Tuesday, 8 September 2009

The End


I've been writing Joliet Jake's Weekly for nearly three years now and it's time to move on.

This blog lark, I thought it was all virtual and fake but it isn't, I met a whole bunch of flesh and blood people through this. So it's a good thing and if you're thinking of doing one, try it, it's free.

Yesterday the credit crunch came to my world, I've been restructured. So I'm restructuring myself too and I've decided that this blog lark isn't giving me the Return On Investment or Benefit Realisation or some other bollocks that I feel I should be getting. Well I don't know what it is but know I'm not getting it so I quit, there.

Ok. Goodbye then

See ya


I'm going now really, I've got to feed the cat

and get a cat first


I know it's hard, but it's really the end


go away now

Look, I'm getting a bit fucked off now, BUGGER OFF!

Ok sorry I didn't mean that, we're still friends

but really, Goodbye.



Thursday, 27 August 2009

Salad Bar

Now that I'm old(er) and fat(ter) I've decided that salad is a nice thing. Up until last friday, I hated salad with a vengeance. When I was young(er) and thin(ner) I only ate junk food and swore I never eat a salad. Which only proves that young thin people are stupid and I'm glad I'm not one of them and I hate them all. Except Americans, there is no point hating Americans, they can't deal with real emotion so it's just wasted effort on my part.

It's good in a way; in America you'll get ostracised if you really tell someone you hate them, they say "you're mean" with their squeaky voices and get really upset. You can get away with it in France, they're used to it. The problem with the Septics now is I've been watching so many TV programs and movies, since I was knee high to a banjo, when I see them in real life it seems like they're acting. I keep expecting them to drop the accent any minute and say something like "I could murder a decent cuppa, this Starbucks tastes like gnat's piss". Which it does. Why they insist on serving it in paper cups the size of an umberella stand is beyond me.

(Septic Tank = Yank). Sorry.

Anyway, the Salad Bar. So there's this internet dealy now and we've got it in the office, you can order your lunch on screen, amazing. Today I have created my own salad; Ham, Chicken, Cheese, Boiled Egg, Balsamic and mandatory greens. I named it "I wish it was a kebab". At least it made me smile when I saw the plastic tub with the label on it, I also gave my name as Cribbleshanks for added amusement. There's nothing else to do it's the holiday season, there's no one in the office, "if it gets any more lively a funerals going to break out" (Rodney Dangerfield) Does he really write those lines or just tell 'em? Actor or Comedian? Which is he?

Ok that's all we've got time for, see you next week, keep taking the meds.


PS. most anti-depressants are actually laxatives, since that French philosopher said "I do most of my thinking on the bog". Can't think of the name, not Kant, he was German.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Foreign Muck

When I was a lad all we ate was foriegn food, because mum cooked it. Often I would sit an ponder "just what is it these whitey's eat at home?" (we didn't have political correctness in those days) really, it was a mystery. I knew about some things like fish and chips, toast, boiled eggs and we had a few things at school like stew, mash and jam roly poly. But somehow it didn't fit that people could be eating this at home. In my mind school dinners were kids food. What sort of grown up person would eat a sausage? Just look at it.

So, for most of my childhood I imagined the neighbours were eating fish and chips every night. And it being the thing we didn't have every night, became the object of all desires, as these things do when you're that age.

Nevertheless, I racked my brain for alternatives and concluded that eggs and toast must be a meal. Like this; toast, buttered, with sliced boiled egg, salt and massala (the sort you make curry's with). Like an open sandwich, magnificent and I still eat it to this day. It was an assumption handed down over generations that massala went in every dish, because the preceeding generations lived in India.

Then, some thirty years later, I was in Hawaii (last week) and discovered their speciality: Loco Moco. A bed of rice, hamburger, covered in gravy topped with a fried egg. Now you can get Super Loco Moco which includes fried spam, fried salami and two eggs. Obviously I went for the Super version, being a sucker for fried spam that I am. The amazing thing about Hawaii was during the whole week we only had pineapple once, for breakfast. They eat more papaya and mango than pineapple. But if anything should be their national food emblem, it's Spam, it's everywhere they love it. No wonder they're so fat.

So there you go, no one wants to be known as the spam eating country (or state), so let's stick with the pineapple, even if it's complete bollocks. It's true that travel broadens the mind though. Far from a picturesque paradise, half of hawaii is old run down villages full of poor people with no jobs. True the other half is fantastic beaches, expensive designer shops and mega expensive hotels but there are only tourists in that half.

That's why tourists find Hawaii'ans to be so friendly, is it you they're smiling at or your wallet? They are still people after all and spam doesn't grow on trees (please god, if there is a god...)


Sunday, 23 August 2009

Lockerbie Bomber

So this lockerbie bomber was sent home and got a hero's welcome in Libya. A few things need to be said though:

1. It was a very dodgy conviction. He was fingered by one guy, and some say that guy saw his picture in a magazine in a completely unrelated article.

2. The reason he got a hero's welcome isn't because all Libyan's are terrorists. It's because his people believe he is an innocent man, wrongly convicted by the UK

3. "a man who murdered over 250 people freed on compasionate grounds!?" why the surprise? That's what compassion is all about, don't kick a man when he's down, it's what separates us from the terrorists. Mercy isn't just something you just read about in Sunday school, it's what you do to evil people who come unstuck to show them a better way

I reckon the Scottish government know this was a political conviction so they let him go before it became a humanitarian issue. Also, it gives them a chance to flex some political muscle on foriegn policy and cock a snook at the UK government at the same time. The more they show on the international stage, the more freedom from UK Parliament.

Barack Obama scored an own goal though. For him to say that the Scots made a mistake is actually his mistake. Small tin pot regimes like Libya thrive when Legitimate governments argue with each other. Libyans will now claim Scotland as an ally, is that what they want? Equally, Americas enemies will croon that the US is unable to show magnanimity even when their allies are merciful.

Barack should have stepped out, showed some respect to the Scottish government it's their decision to make, not his. Scottish politicians are unbelievably diplomatic, every Scot I know would've just told Barack to fuck off, especially after a couple of whiskey's which is usually any time after breakfast.

On an urelated note,I heard on the BBC that one of the goals of the Afghanistan invasion was to stem the flow of herion. That's bollocks, out of all the bad things the Taleban did the good thing was they stopped opium farming. Afghanistan only regained it's position as number one heroin exporter after the western liberation. Yes that right, they were the number one before the Taleban came along. Do you think agricultural colleges do studies about which soil is best for growing drugs? Maybe not officially.


Thursday, 20 August 2009

Trains, Planes and Muppets

In the security check there was a couple in front of us who were looking sheepish from being reprimanded for something as we arrived. Apparently they hadn't had enough yet; bags went in the tunnel, came back out, "there's a jar of liquid in there, please take it out". Bags went in, bags came back "there's an electronic device with a hard disk", the second security lady exhasperated "you gotta be kidding me!", bags went in, bags came out "can you just wait to one side and let the others through".

So what did I do? Engrossed in this entertainment, walked through the metal detector with mobile phone in pocket, brilliant! I took my hat off, not only to them but to myself too. It's not often I wear a hat, I once heard that baldness is caused by the wearing of hats. Doesn't make sense, why don't everyones pubes fall out then? I mean not because of hats but the covering up.

My girfriends sister bought us two decorative heat resistant mats for christmas, they're good, not too festive so we can use them all year round. A couple of years ago we bought her two folding heat resistant things for the table, not quite mats but very practical, easy to store.

I've got a large insulated coffee/tea mug with a lid on it, stamped "Fujitsu" on the side. It's good but the tea tastes plasticky after a while. We've got a metal bread bin too, problem with that is it traps moisture so it's not as good a wooden one. We should replace it but it's quite stylish so it seems a shame to get rid of it.

We picked up some posh cruets from a shop on the coast a while back, we use them for salt and massala instead of pepper but the massala tends to get stuck because it's much coarser than pepper. Coarser than white pepper anywhey.

We still haven't put those pictures up from when we moved, or the big mirror. We're going for dinner tonight, with The Germans to an Italian. It's because we didn't play badminton last night, with the hollidays and everything we just didn't get organised so we've deciced to have dinner instead. And the showers are broken at the gym.

Our area's going to be a blue zone for parking, we just got the notice through yesterday. They did warn us ages ago so we've already got our parking permits. It'll mean disruption though as they put up the signs and ticket machines. It's because of the metro stops, people park their cars here and go into the city to work or whatever they do, the residents were complaining. We didn't complain, we're new here, I expect it was that Goth who lives on the corner. He seems the type to make a fuss.

I think I'll wear my new shoes to dinner.


Sunday, 16 August 2009

Cat Bath

Having a cat was huge responsibility at seven, first thing I did was take the cat to the vet:

vet: hello, what do we have here then?
JJ: It's a cat
vet: I see, you know you probably shouldn't carry it around in a plastic shopping bag, you should get a cat basket
JJ: ok, I'll ask dad
vet: Is it a boy or a girl?
JJ: dunno
vet: what's it's name then?
JJ: dunno, my dad brought it, they didn't say
vet: you'll have to give it a name. We'll he looks fine, I'll give him this vaccination then you can take him home
JJ: what does it eat?
vet: cat food
JJ: do we have to give him a bath?
vet: not usually, maybe once or twice a year if it gets really dirty
JJ: thank you

Six months later I rounded up my brothers and we ran a bath for the cat. We just filled the tub a dropped the cat in, the cat didn't even touch the water, let out an fierce scream and bolted for the door. I was completely baffled, surely the cat realised it was bath time? After some debate we decided that cat's don't like bath time. But the vet had said it had to be done, we wanted a second opinion but we didn't fancy spending hard earned pocket money on another visit to the vet. So, we went to the library, all kids library books clearly state you have to give the cat a bath.

A week later the cat returned. This time we bolted the bathroom door and organised ourselves; two to hold down the screaming lunatic and one to apply the shampoo. It didn't say in any of the books what sort of soap one should use on a cat so we reasoned it ought to be shampoo - it's all hair, out came the Head and Shoulders. We decided that lather and rinse was enough, "repeat" would not be necessary. It was strange that we had never read shampoo instructions before, now it seemed important but there was nothing there about cats. "Avoid contact with eyes - may cause irritation", irritation? The cat was already incandescent with rage, this comment seemed a somewhat redundant, what sort of an idiot would shampoo in a cat's eye anyway?

Cat's really don't like water, and they like even less being held in the water and shampooed. This one decided the fair response would be to skin our hands and arms with it's claws, which it did very well. But eventually, the job was done and we all went off to our respective corners to lick our wounds. Made a mental note to wear gloves next time, gardening gloves might work or those white gauntlets you get with bio-nuclear hazard suits. Another week went by before normality was returned.

Another six months went by before the second and final bath night for this cat. Don't get me wrong, the cat survived, so did we. The things is cat's aren't like dogs, they have a certain away of looking at you, like "Is that how it's going to be? ok, fine, we'll do it your way", if you've ever been married you'll know what I mean. We just gave up on cat bath night after that.

Some years later the cat died of a suspected road accident, there were no witnesses. It was sad, we'd been through a lot together. But then it meant we could get a dog, that's how it is when you're seven, "Dad the cat died, can we get a puppy? can we get a puppy? can we get a puppy?" and so on. It worked eventually and then we had some real adventures...


Friday, 14 August 2009

Urban Poetry

This one is called: Childhood

Hello, can I have one of those?
How much money have you got?
One pee
You need two pee for that one
But I've only got one pee
It's not enough
Can I give you one pee tomorrow?
Then what have you got for one pee?
You can have one of these
But those are really small
That's what you get for one pee
What if I come back when I have another pee?
We'll be shut at six
what time is it now?
Half past four
How many minutes is it left?
One hour thirty
I think I can make it but will you keep one of those for me
Yeh ok, whatever
Don't just say it because I'm really going to come back
Ok really, I'll keep it
Dad can I have one pee?
No, get inside and wash up for dinner
But I just need one pee
Do as you're told, get inside.


Monday, 10 August 2009

Food and Drugs

In America food is the same as drugs and they have one agency to control them both, the FDA. In January 2008 the FDA gave clearance to put cloned animals in the food chain. That would've raised a stink if someone died from it. Isn't this the same as experimenting on humans? I don't recall any trials of cloned animal food, they went straight to the shelf.

Saw that Sarah Palin's sister-in-law Diana was arrested for burglary. That's a scary family, do you think people would stop attacking America if the Palin family was in the whitehouse?

Gotcha! I tricked you, "people" stopped attacking America in 2001. In fact there was only one attack. Let's face it, it was an isolated incident. What the hell is wrong with these people going around attacking countries in the name of self defence? No country has ever attacked America, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour doesn't count, that was like a fox stealing a chicken and saying "I'll have the whole farm by the weekend m-----f-----". Sorry but I don't allow foxes to use expletives on my blog, one has to teach those little fuckers some manners or they take over the entire text.

If all of this leaves you feeling less that moved you should try Martha Volchok's colon cleansing recipe here, Martha's a real star in all matters colonic and this super recipe only takes nine days, if only Diana were alive to see this, she loved colonics and all that hippy shit. No not Sarah's sister-in-law, wait a minute, the Princess Diana also had a sister-in-law called Sarah and she was as mad a badger too. Hmmmmmm... or as the Dutch like to put it mhhhhhhh...

Get your Google out and look up Loco Moco, I'll explain later.


Monday, 3 August 2009

The Pirate Party, Sweden

It's not just the question of freely sharing files and copyrighted material. There's a new law in Sweden around monitoring internet traffic for security sensitive words, like "bloody Norwegians and their oil, we should never have given them freedom". It's the big brother thing. That's what the Pirates are going at, but they have to be real and get proper policy positions on other things too, like the Free Movement Of Workers Between Member Countries of the You-are-Peeing Onion, as a random example.

But in some countries they don't have copyright, like China and India "so what's the downside?" I hear you ask, I'll tell yer. Shit films, cheesy music, that's why they're ripping off western product and every other twat is an Elvis impersonator busy learning Jackson One dance steps.

If there's no copyright law no one will be investing $150 million to make Waterworld. Ok bad example, I don't know what Star Wars cost but it would never have been made if the investors had no protection for their ideas. Same goes for computer software, you say "I should be allowed to install Drug Trade Wars on my mum's laptop, I paid for it" but I say "chill the fuck out, what if I borrowed your Delta Goodrem cd and lent it to someone you've never met, how would you like that?"

Don't rush off to Google now and search for "Drug Trade Wars", I made it up, what kind of sick individual are you anyway? Installing this shit on your mum's laptop.

Usuary Laws - until 1854 it was illegal to charge more than 10% on any form of credit.

Banks have just been bailed out by taxpayers and are now making record profits and taking huge bonuses home in their fancy cars.

"Poor People", who paid the taxes, are still waiting for the economy to recover so that they can find work again.

So why don't the poor people all own bank shares now? Isn't that how capitalism works? Screwing the workers to pay the shareholders. The poor people should now profit from the shares they bought with their tax money, that's the system. If the government get's the profit, they have to reduce taxes right? You see, when it's the fat cats making money from share trades, it's the factory workers who are greasing those trades. In the bank scenario it's the bankers who should be greasing the palms of the shareholders (tax payers). But somehow, the bankers are still taking as much money home as they ever were.

Damn it, do we have a system or not? Surely we aren't just a bunch of peasants being ripped off by the land owners? Is this the middle ages again?


Saturday, 1 August 2009

Ku Klux Klan and Casino Guide

Bit of a side track here, many moons ago I used work in a casino and it hasn't been lost me that some people get a little starry eyed when I tell them that. Obviously it's very glamorous and high flying, working for minimum wage until 5am in Sheffield next to the Chinese Chippy, so let's have closer introspection on that.

Here are few terms you'll need to know if you want to play poker in the casino:

An Ace King Four and Seven is known as a "Machine Gun" (AK47), Ace Ace Eight Eight is a "dead man's hand" re: Wild Bill Hickok's hand when he was killed, four Kings is "the four horsemen", KKQQ = the mommas and the poppas, KKK = Three Wise Men / Ku Klux Klan, four Queens = the Village People, three Queens = Six Tits, JJ33 = Hookers with Crabs (I don't actually understand that one), 9966 = dinner for four, 3333= forest four trees, 222 = Huey, Dewey and Louie, 555 = Pork Chop Sandwiches (WTF?)

The thing about the KKK is that they are just like us really, a bunch of ordinary people. Some of them know how to make websites, as we can see, and some of them know enough not to be associated with KKK in public. That's how you know it's a bone fide set up, it's only the bigotry that set's them apart really, and yet somehow that's enough to justify executing every last one of 'em.

But Casino's yes, people really do borrow money from sharks and get their legs broken. I saw a guy walk out with 15 grand, it took him two weeks to return it all to The House. He was addicted, as were many others. We had a filing cabinet full of PNG's (Persona Non Grata), known cheats, card counters and so on, each one would have multiple aliases, false ID's, disguises, lists of associates (other known cheats). All that information was shared with other Casino's in the UK and a few stars had trails all over Europe. And then one day a fella told me he could get video's of dog fights if I wanted to see them, I suspected he thought I'd help him win in exchange for this "favour", in hindsight I should have reported him to the police.

The dog fights guy was one of the normal customers, well that's what passes for normal in the Casino crowd.

We had little staff room where we would leave our overcoats and go for tea breaks, one day a number of people had items stolen from there, including money. It was saddening to think a colleague was stealing from us. This was the beginning of the end for me. Then a "new" duty manager started, turned out he'd been on a break since before I started working there. He'd had a nervous breakdown amidst rumours of game fixing and pending investigations, there were also tales of ganster connections so the mood was very pensive when that guy was on duty. Some of the younger staff dreamed of working on cruise ships, seeing the world, making a fortune. I never met anyone who actually did that. I met people who worked cruise ships but none who made their fortune.

I left as soon as I could find another job. I couldn't care less about what people did there except the thief, after that incident I just couldn't trust anyone.

Yes, there were plenty of lights, plenty of glitter and action, but glamour? No, there was more glamour in the Chinese chippy next door.


Saturday, 25 July 2009

London Cockney Ganster Types

"What's the s.p. on this one Charlie? Smack in the seats?"
"Naah, ice in the tank"
"Lovely, tidy job, I 'ate rippin' up the upholstery on a Jag, seems disrespectful in a way"

Tommy was taking delivery of a new smugglers car and was curious to the contents. It seemed this one didn't have heroin sewn into the seats but there were some diamonds in the fuel tank.

"You'll 'ave ter fence these sharpish, some fackin copper was sniffing round the office after the motor"
"Gotcha Charlie, I'll get onter Irish Mick he'll 'ave 'em away as soon as the tank's open"
"Sorted, I'll be in the office"

Charlie alerted Tommy that police were already tracing the stolen vehicle and had been asking at The Golden Lion pub, which they referred to as "The Office". Irish Mick got the name because his dad is Irish, his real name is Jonathan Kitchen.

"oil give yer turty grand and I'm rippin' me arm off so I am be-jesus"
"give it a fackin rest Mick, I know you're from Croydon"
"fack off then, 25 grand"
"I want fifty or I walk"
"fifty? this aint fackin Snatch, smell the fackin cockles Tom"
"It's Tommy to you, Irish, 'ave you even got any fackin money or wot?"
"here's fortee, take or leave it"

Tommy took the readies to the boozer but Charlie wasn't there, on the way out he was jumped by some eastern european types and they snatched the lolly.

"If I find out you had a hand in this Charlie I'll rip your fackin legs off"
"You better simmer down son, I was called away and now I'm down fortee grand and I wanna meet that fackin Irish Mick, pronto"
"Right, the office, five, be there this time"
"Oh I'll be there"


"'allo boys, d'ya have a point loined up fer yer old mate?"
"shut it Mick, we already did that"
"right, who's this then"
"'this' is fackin Charlie who's down fortee grand between you and young Tommy fackface 'ere"
"awright geezer take it easy, we'll sort it"
"I started this morning with 75 grands worth of ice and all I've got now is fackin ball-ache from talking to you two muppets, who's got the green?"
"not me"
"not me"

Then Charlie shot Tommy and a couple of his heavies took Irish outside for a beating, eventually he gave the diamonds back. Turned out Tommy's missus had organised the mugging and had it away to Costa with the fortee grand (and her tennis coach). Charlie was none the wiser but swore he'd find out "get every facker out there to turn over every fackin stone and get my fackin cash back".

He never did get it back.


Monday, 20 July 2009

Chicago House Spider

I was sitting watching my Michael Jackson live in Bucharest DVD when this little spider ran half way across the living room and kicked my on the side of my foot really hard. I said "what the hell was that?"

He said "my web, jackass, you broke my web, Sunday afternoon when you was gettin the hose out to water the hydrangers", I said "oh, so it's you building the web across the shed door every fucking week, can't you see what a stupid place that is for a web? It's a thoroughfare"
"Damned right it's a thoroughfare, that's why I'm there bitch. Flies coming in and out all day I had to fight for that spot, then you come along with your hose, it's because I'm black isn't it?"
"black? All spiders are black"
"but they ain't all got soul, see, I'm a House Spider, it's all here motherfucker" he said putting his little hairy fist to his heart.

Anyway we had a beer and laughed it off, turned out he was into the Eighties Chicago House sound, Def Jam and all that. I've got a couple of those vinyl's, bet you didn't exthpect that. Steve Davis collects vinyl. Nobody exthpected that.

I've got a twitter widget now somewhere along the left hand side of this Blogger. So far I am just twittering on about what I'm doing - when convenient - but it's really tempting to just write silly nonsense on there.

But this is for that, isn't it?



Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Jensen Button and Greek Salad

Now that it's a crap English driver stealing the Formula One championship it's ok to say so without sounding sour graped, or worse. Jenson Button has been in the sport for some years and never won a single race, this season he's the winningest :-O driver. If he was a sprinter he'd be under strong suspicion of drug abuse like what Carl Lewis said about Linford Christie. I agreed with Carl but I didn't say anything. I wanted to part of the complicit establishment, like Jack Nicholson when he said "eeeeh! you can't handle the truth aarrgh!" but nobody asked me.

We know Jenny Buttocks isn't the best driver, he's lucky if he's top ten, so this is no a longer sport is it? Unless building a car is a sport now.

Well why not? Why not put all the parts on the floor for ten cars and have the teams build them and drive one lap. Put that in the olympics, it's how fast you can build the car. Why isn't cooking an olympic sport? See how fast you can make a lasagna with greek salad, if there were medals for cooking I'd definately give Delia Smith one.

Ok but seriously, which of these is a real Current Affair, not just some made up bollocks:

1. Eleven men walked on the moon, so why the fuck has all my spinach died? No wonder they can't solve the food shortage.
2. G W Bush Jnr invaded Iraq because Saddam CIA Hussain Obama said "I stayed in office longer than your dad, so who won the first Gulf war? Who's your daddy?"
3. The very absolute least the major banks could do is write off Michael Jackson's debts after he took the heat off those theiving scumbags
4. Now that Afghanistan has regained it's status as Number One global herion exporter, is it time for the Allies to pull out?

So, now I can publicly declare that Kimi Raikonnen is crappest driver to be champion since Damon Hill. But Damon Hill is still the worst and least credible champion I can think of. The only good thing about Damon is he never cheated, unlike Michael Schumaker in 1996. So roll on Jenniffer Buttmunch and good luck with Sports Personality of the year, I hope you win it because you really need one.

That's enough celebrity baiting, now to lay a trial of clover, dandelion leaves, pansies and chicory to bait that Tortoise. Come on Herman get your chops around this little lot. You'll never guess who clued me in to his favourite titbits....he he he he...


Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Michael Jackson Memorial

The Michael Jackson memorial takes place today at the Staples Center LA, some sort of stationery retail outlet. Whacko was a huge fan of stationery, he even tried to teach his monkey to staple his own finger and run around shouting "fuck me that hurts! get it out Michael! get it out!"

He battled illness for many years, he was often seen in public with a plaster on his finger since the Bad album. Some say this injury was the cause of subsequent bad albums and bad album sales. His finger was also the cause of much speculation and court room appearances. He was suing his plastic surgeon for not de-burring the nose amid allegations that he cut his finger on it.

Jackson was famous for inventing The Moonwalk dance step on which Neil Armstrong commented "he's obviously never been to the moon, and that thing he does on stage grabbing his dick tells me it's not the only place he hasn't been".

I've already sent my application to play MJ in the movie, I'll have to do a few sit-ups though, the advert said "no baritones or beer guts". Dimitry Medvedev has applied for the job too amid rumours that he isn't busy enough in his current puppet role. Dimitry commented "it's 'poppet', Vladimir calls me 'poppet' that's where the confusion comes from, I am a real president just like Jesse Jackson was. I can't believe he's dead".

I want to know what The Pope has go to say about it, I daresay the Catholic Church will have to choose their words very carefully when talking about Michael Jackson. Especially not to make the same mistake Dimitry did, that could be very embarrassing and detrimental to their drive to attract more young people (except lesbians).

Imagine if you're a ticket tout holding a few thousand dollars worth of tickets to the shows at O2 arena, they must thought they'd make a killing but it just goes show...

there really is no such thing as a Dead Cert.


Tuesday, 30 June 2009


It's hot, it's actually hot here. It's been like it for days. Of course the air conditioning broke as soon as the temperature went up, Belgian AC just isn't geared up to cope with hot days.

They might get someone round next week, they're very busy now.

It's good when we're out of the office though, sitting in the garden, listening to the neighbours shouting at their kids.

The mint died. Bit of a shocker, mint is supposed to be virtually indestructible so why is it the only one pushing up daisies?

I'll put the spinach out next, it's kicked off well in the trough so it needs to have a run out in the garden now.

Radishes look a bit proud, they'd better be good. Maybe I should grow some medicinal ganga, yeeh, I could brew up some hooch in the cellar and be like a proper hippy twat.

Yeeh, it's hot, it's hot, it's enough.


Sunday, 28 June 2009

Michael Jackson

I was a bit surprised there, I always thought of him as youngster. I'm sure he used to be very young once, and black. Isn't it odd that as he got whiter and whiter he sold less and less records and eventually turned into a child molester, allegedly. I still think it was more the parents opportunism than anything bad, I'm no great fan but he didn't seem malicious or manipulative. Naive if anything.

It doesn't add up though, what about the thing with Liz Taylor? On the one hand young boys, one the other hand MILF. Speaking as the one voted by class as "most likely to become a sexual deviant" I can honestly say this boys/milf question doesn't scan.

But like any celebrity there's more to Mojambo than sex and sensasionalism. Buying the Beatles catalogue was very smart, and like a true businessman stereotype he upset his best friend Paul "Macca" MacFartney in the process. Rumour has it that Whitey left the Jowelled one something in his will, the remaining Jackson 4 are hoping it's about 600 million dollars of debt. Once that's paid off, the others can go back to collecting press clippings and sticking pins in Whacko dolls. Sibling rivalry, it's only natural.

I don't know if the Senegalese really practice voodoo but I know there's a pretty famous witchcraft shop in Huddersfield. If anyone should be under suspicion of showing puppies to young boys it should be Jermaine. If you give a black man a gay name he's bound have problems, just look at him, he's creepy. And he was always the first to defend Snowcloud when these things went public.

So the only remaining question is; if The Lord of the Ring was in so much debt why didn't the American tax payers bail him out? Isn't that what they do now? The state should have bought Kimosabe and then he wouldn't have died needlessly. Such a waste of talent, so young, so vibrant, such a fucked up wierdo.

I can't be the only one having difficulty dealing with this. Throughout the eighties he was the undisputed World Champion Jumpy Squeaky Thing, we all admired him, then it all went a bit legal and now he's dead. What can one say?

The funeral arrangements are bit more complex than usual, they've got a blue coffin for the plastic, yellow for the beatles records and green for the organic parts. It's hard to imagine in six months time his chin could be the volume knob on a Mitsubishi Pajero. These celebs love all that re-cycling lark and I don't see why he should be any different.

This is JJ saying "ooowwww!" and goodnight.


Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Soup With Himmler

Hitler banned soup from the Nazi HQ. He was the first person to ask the question "does one eat cup-a-soup or drink it?" he didn't get a straight answer so he banned all soup, period. When Himmler asked "what will we do with our bread?", this is exactly what he said; "shove your bread up your arse Bitch, yes you are my bitch get on your knees and bark like a bitch. Now catch the frisbee".

I wouldn't have lasted very long at Nazi HQ, I don't handle authority figures well. But that's just part of it, they wouldn't have let me in because I'm one of those liberals that plays with food during sex. The first time I had a goats cheese and honey Panini I was disgusted, so I had to do the tongue thing to get rid of the taste of the sandwich, it took a while. But that was in the eighties, before pot noodle became a tasty snack rather than a footballers haircut.

These days everything’s changed, the latest food sex diet is chocolate bars with condoms on. You can chew on it for a ages but you can't swallow the chocolate, unless you swallow the whole thing with the condom - if you can manage that put your phone number in comments please (ladies only). The Egyptians invented chocolate because they didn't have condoms. Not bathing was the other form of contraception practiced by ladies and gentlemen of the time, which is still practiced in some urban housing developments today (with notably less success).

Sprint races shouldn't be measured in meters, it should be feet. The result should be the runners speed in Feet per second, then we can say "fast feet", "may the fastest feet win", "look at him go! 32 feet per second!". Of course a millipede can move a thousand feet in less than a second but that's not the same, it's just a semantic anomaly. Millipedes are smug buggers, lording it over the centipede's with their extra legs, not very classy.



Monday, 22 June 2009

Poop Poop PeeDoo

What Barack needs now it so have an affair with Angelina Jolie. Then she can sing Happy Birthday Mr President. Can she sing? Does someone know because I'd really like to know.

The thing is though it won't happen. JFK got away with it, even Bill Clinton got away with it but Barack won't. Because he's black. I think he would even win a second term if the economy didn't recover, I can imagine the media lining up to say "well it was Bush that messed it up, no-one could have saved that".

Ok, here's the cut, he'll get away with it if he has an affair with say, Halle Berry, or Beyonce but not Jolie, not Stefani. You see what I'm saying? Yeh we've made strides by having a black president but there's still something nasty in the woodshed.

But this is just half-arsed opinion, if I could use my whole arse I might make some money out of it. That's not how it sounds, I mean I could publish it but I don't have time to research it properly. I'm not ready to give up my day job on a whimsical fancy, I like my day job. I get to walk around in my suit and talk to people in foreign climes on a mobile phone while picking out the cod steaks for dinner. Did you know "foriegn" is an Indian word, my guess is that Hindi was the only language the English tried to learn from their colonies so they've assimilated a few words. Shampoo is another one, and so is Transcendentalism.

I did a baked cod in tomato juice with potatoes and Greek salad for dinner, went down very well with a sparkly white wine from Luxembourg. Sparkly isn't the same as Sparkling - that's like champagne. Sparkly is more subtle, like Italian Frizzante.

I'm growing my own herbs now; Basil, Radish, Spinach and Thyme. I've got some flowers going in a small trough too but I'm buggered if I can remember what they're called. Radish is a herb if you dry out the bulbs and grind them into a white powder, then you can put the powder in little bags and sell it to yuppies as cocaine. It makes their eyes glow red when they snort it, take a camera with you.

Seen that Nasa arsed up another shuttle launch. Congress are going to cut the space budget by 16%, what does that mean? It's not like saying "well we're a bit short of cash so we won't go to Miami for holidays this year we'll rent a caravan next to the canal". If you can't afford Mars then you are back at the Moon, say "Cheese".

Oh there was one odd bit of research to use here, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Look at the surname, Schwarz means Black and Negger means, well we aren't allowed to use that word. So, how does "Black Negger" come to be family name in Austria? Even if it's an old name and slavery was not a bad thing then, we still have to wonder who would take that as a name? Arnie Isn't black.

Barack is though, and I think he made the right speech about the banking system. He's making a lot of strong good sounding speeches. He must be making a lot of enemies too.

That's all I'm saying.


Friday, 19 June 2009

What I'm saying is...

Sand is shit. The Parrot Fish eats algae off coral. It has very hard beak like mouth which causes it to eat a lot of coral when it's trying to get the algae. It can't digest the coral, it just passes it out the back end, as sand. Sand comes out of the Parrot Fish's bot.

There is a popular myth in England that their National Dish, the Chicken Tikka Massala, was invented in Glasgow. Let's see, pick the odd one out here:

Fish & Chips
Deep Fried Mars Bar
Deep Fried Pizza
Chicken Tikka Massala with Rice and Naan

The last one isn't deep fried, that's a clue. And it's Indian food, that's another clue.

How many times have I heard the spaghetti bolognese isn't authentic Italian but invented by English students? About 87 times, it's hogwash of course.

Americans do it too; Pizza, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Music, Sport, Sex. Americans pursue all of these activities with relentless vigour and have somehow forged the idea that they invented them all. Loco Moco was invented in Hawaii but that's not really America, it's got too much culture to be America. If you must know Loco Moco is a hamburger and a fried egg on rice covered in gravy. Sounds damned good to me, I pretty sure I'll be trying that at home soon.

The Greeks are just as bad, they think they invented culture, pah! The Greek language is derived from Sanskrit which originated in India. Hence all Greek culture is a poor forgery of one original culure - Indian, which is much older and smarter. All the DNA's in the world can be traced back to China or India, there are two distinct groups, then back to Africa. And then to a couple of Aliens from the Sirius Binary Star System.

But that's all in the past, where's this culture thing going now? In Iceland, Rejkyavic to be precise, we saw a bunch of locals dressed in Blues Brothers gear having a convention at our hotel. In the hotel car park there was a row of American 60's and 70's cars. It's just fashion then? What used to be cool in America is now cool in Iceland, maybe one day American Football will only be played in Sweden and they'll say "why is it called American Football?", Texans will be eating Reindeer Steak and will have forgotten that their ancestors farmed cattle and Reindeer came from Lapland.

Does anyone know if there are terrorists in Lapland? Seems to me that "Lapland" should be a proper country, not jointly occupied by Sweden and Finland. Occupied places with "land" in their name are usually fertile breeding grounds for terrorists, except Palestine. Ok, are there any people in Lapland? Let's start from there.

According to our friend Wikipedia there are 168,000 Laplandices. That's a lot, they should be able to muster an army and raze Helsinki. I'd say about 10,000 soldiers could do it if they go on a Friday night when the natives are busy heaving in the gutters. Ok, any evening after about 5.30pm.

There's no such thing as alcoholism in Finland, it's like the old German joke "what do they call Frankfurters in Frankfurt? : Sausages". You see? Who is going to call who an alcoholic? It doesn't happen. Maybe "tine" is Arabic for "land", could be.

But back to food, I do love telling Italians that the Chinese invented pasta, no matter how many times you do it, it's hilarious every time, they wave their arms and shout and spit. The conversation moves into culture and then I'll claim that Spain is a what Italy would have become if they updated their buildings and stuff. Italians really look down on the Spanish. It's great fun also telling the Spanish that Italian is the real Mediterranean culture, set's them off every time. Spanish people really know how get angry, you should see it, beats the crap out of watching TV.



Monday, 15 June 2009

All for You


I haven't wrote nothing for three weeks.

I've been publishing sure, but that was all my saved up stuff. Now I'm out, done, dry. I didn't even think of it until a couple of days ago, I thought I had loads of stuff in Draft that I could clean up and put out but no. It's all garbage, and most of it is months old, dated garbage.

I was in the office at 7am today for a conference call, then it was cancelled. Ok I lied, I was at home at 7am, I came to the office at 8. Because the call was cancelled. The dissapointing thing is that I quite like doing these calls at home in the morning in just my underwear, it brings the whole thing down to earth. Wearing clothes is the beginning of ego and pretence, according to JJ. Referring to oneself in the third person is quite something too.

We won the quiz again last night, more wine, more cheese and biscuits, another fucking candle. Keeps The Goth happy though, not the candle, he collects the baskets they give us for the goodies. I go more for the social than the quiz, having someone ask me questions and give me a prize is a bonus.

Malaysia was nice, did I post that? I can't remember, Bologna was pretty good too, we saw the Pallio, mad horse race thing in the village square in Ferrara. I bought a squillion euro worth of guitar gear last weekend; Overdrive, Octave Multiplexer, T-Rex Echo, Digitech Whammy, 4 track recorder. I'm going to get a DC brick and a rack this weekend because it looks a bit scattered with my Wah-Wah and Distortion in there too. And the electric drumkit, Marshall amp and monitor. Yeeeh, it's a bit over the top but what the fuck eh?

What else? I'm going to try to make my own Ragu tonight, we're going to a party tomorrow, guests next week (all week), then it's couleur cafe music fest.

Fuck it, if I get a minute over the weekend I'll see if can think of something to write here.

I hope you have a crap weekend and it rains non-stop. I know that I will because I live in Brussels.


Friday, 12 June 2009

Perambula 2: Alien Asian

It's all very well harping on about cattle and rednecks but look at it from the aliens point of view. Here's a short screen play feature with Glib and Glob, two aliens.

Glib: There's a sort of solar system in the corner, why don't we go there?
Glob: Where? I can't see anything
Glib: Are you fucking blind? It's a ten planet system, how can you not see that
Glob: Oh yeh, I can see it, no need to get shirty, let's go there then
Glib: We're in luck, there's one inhabited planet, we can grab a couple of samples and call it a day
Glob: Nice one, you are "The Glibster" waxing lyrical with the freestyler
Glib: Ok, they are flying, swimming and walking, we'll take one of each.
Glob: There's one walking on two legs like us!
Glib: Where?
Glob: You have to scroll down a bit

Glob: It's your line
Glib: I can't remeber the line, fuck. Oh, yes, "Let's see if it talks"

later in the specimen room:

Glib: What if they can use hypnosis to get the memories back? These mind erasing tools aren't fool proof
Glob: So what, they can't exactly come after us
Glib: True. It doesn't speak, it makes a noise if you shove this metal rod up it's arse
Glob: What is that? Some fancy new scanner?
Glib: No, it's a piece of junk I found in the back
Glob: Fair do, shove it in again
Glib: That's a bit naughty but, ok
Glob: Well, this is a waste of time. If this is some sort of primitive language it's beyond me
Glib: Yeeeh, let's chuck it back. Or shall we chuck four legs and keep this one
Glob: The other one's in the box now, chuck this one. Lets go, I'm hungry
Glib: Roger that Mr Globmeister, I am seeing a Super Combo Meal in your near future
Glob: Laaarging it and giving a shout to The Glibster and is arse-kicking inter-planetary crew! Yesss-aye, we got the goods again.
Glib: Don't forget to put labels on the boxes this time
Glob: Oh yeeeh, the boss was pretty hacked off last time eh?
Glib: Yeeeh, I can't lose this job the wife's dad already thinks I'm a loser
Glob: He's a loser, you should tell him his daughter swallows and takes it up the Gary Glitter
Glib: Yeeeh, I could tell him that or I could just put my bollocks on the table and give him a hammer
Glob: ha! ha! Nice one The Glibster
Glib: you are most welcome to use that one yourself Mr Globmeister
Glob: Graatsee, don't mind if do


They are a bit geeky these aliens, they have basic dead-end jobs and pass the time quoting tv comedies and thinking of cool names for each other and their fantasy buxom crew members. They'll go on like this for another four hundred of our earth years, this is the same length as their mating ritual. Then they go into cocoon states for 3 years and each alien comes out having split into two mature beings. Only the new one will mate again, the old one will do a bit of filing in the library, two days a week, and bake a fruit cake every now and then.

A little insight there for you.


Monday, 8 June 2009


One can harldy get around the globe these days without tripping over a nuclear weapon or some sort of secret alien base. Frankly I'm sick of these aliens, they come here and take our cattle and rednecks, who's going to stand up to them? What are our elected evangelists doing about it?

I don't like rednecks, I've never met one but that's not the point. That doesn't make me a biggit, makes you a smartarse. I demand to know how many extra terrestrials live in Belgium. Why is that be a secret? I'd be ok if my neighbours turned out to be lizards in human disguise. I suspect they're actually French but I'm ok with that too.

Aliens eat Penguin meat and eggs, among other things, I've never eaten a penguin but I can tell you that puffin tastes like liver and I think it's similar.

Lizards are a pretty cool bunch, they don't mince around like some animals, they keep still. I like that. I don't care how fucking hot it is, don't hassle me, I do what I do in my own time. I'm going to be a lizard next time out, or the guy who invented tic-tacs.

Can you imagine? If aliens are a hundred times smarter than us, their zoo animals are probably smarter than we are too. They probably take their alien kids to their zoo to see some weird animals sending text messages and the adults will be saying "they only learned to write three generations ago, now they've got mobile phones" and the kids will be saying "what's a mobile phone?", "it's an ancient machine that simulated telepathy or something like that, ask your alien father".

She wouldn't say "alien" father really but then she wouldn't speak English either and they probably don't have nuclear families, they might not even have the whole parent-child concept. I put in those terms to give you a frame of reference. Hollywood does this all time, except they always make aliens evil. Except ET. There's no reason to assume aliens would want to harm us, it's just the American way. Americans don't understand sex so they want to fight everyone.

All I can say is there's nothing civil about war.

Well, that's the garbage out, I'm off to bed.


Friday, 5 June 2009


I'm no communist, I want to make that clear now because frankly I see this whole Obama administration thing ending in a huge witch-hunt. I'm not a muslim either. In fact I'm nothing you need to know about (5th ammendment), I have no beliefs (officially), I'm a literary mercenary. I'll write any bollocks.

I confessed, what did you expect? I haven't had military training, my mum didn't let me.

All this melodramatics, it's my bollywood heritage and I'm not apologising for that. I have nothing against advertising "per se", it just conflicts with the aesthetic of my blog, not just the physical aesthetic but the unquantifiable intellectual aesthetic. Why don't they advertise something other than "instant sex, thousands of members are waiting near you!", that doesn't sit well with my sensibilities. I'm not qualifying that statement either, jeeez you ask a lot of questions, worse than a woman or a southerner.

So, in the spirit of being a bit shifty I'm going to run a pilot program of not-sex text only adverts. It's Adversteasement:

1. Grass
"see that brown mud-patch behind your house? It's supposed to be a garden you fucking lazy tit, buy some Grass for Jimmy's sake" (ref: some encyclopeadica; Jimmy Hendrix is God)

2. Cats
You might think “Free To A Good Home” is less than a glowing endorsement so try this; “take the cat home or it goes to the bottom of the canal in a sack with a rock”. The problem with selling cats is people only give money for those posh stuck up ones; "you chase the fucking clockwork mouse, you bought it" I don't like those cats.

3. The Samaritans
Tons of debt? Affair going sour? Kids on Drugs? Don’t top yourself, call The Samaritans and hear what a real loser sounds like

4. Insecurity
What? Just get a life you wet-arsed muppet.

5. Adverteasement (:promoting adverts)
Naked women selling cuppa soup and box spanners. To wankers. There's only one cure for baldness, wear a fucking hat and get over it. There's only one cure for Advertising, Stop Being A Tit. "SBAT; a slogan is not for life, it's just for Christmas"

I’m not quite sure who would be advertising Insecurity and to what end but there you have it. Think of it like an academic excercise, ie of no practibal use. Ok it's a harsh thing what I said abaaht Insecuritee, it's me up-bringing see? I can never apologise properly, I always put on a silly voice to hide my shame.

According to the University of Cambridge, England, you didn't ntocie taht lsat typo bceasue the mcagial brian only needs to see the first and last letters in place to make a word. Ok I cheated, I spelled it wrong. (no Practibal use)? I dunno, I'm not even following this anymore, Jesus!

There's a subject, and a question; If you can turn water into wine can you turn grass into Zombie or Skunk? I'd cough up some serious moolah to be at that gig. Talking of old I'm going to see Whitesnake on Sunday, well David Coverdale anyway, the other people weren't even born when we were rocking out to Fool for Your Loving etc.

So, yeeeeh. Still, at least it's not raining.


Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Cuppa Soup

As promised, here's the low down on cuppa soup, I'm going to start completely off subject, to confound you, and then cleverly link into soup.

Do you know what Ice T is? If you're thinking "rapper" you are soooo wrong, he is a Lyrical Gangsta. He is, he's got a shed full of attitude to boot, his mum's sister told me. She's an Empirical Cuisineologist (here comes the clever link).

Talking of cuisine, cuppa soup, "Royco Minute Soup" to be precise is the flavour of the month. You can easily keep a few in you desk drawer and they are a most excellent hangover cure. Also, soup is THE miracle diet food. The problem with drinking water to cure hunger is that is doesn't stay in the stomach, the body recognises that it doesn't need to digest so it passes straight through. So, fill your stomach with soup, it's mostly water but just enough food to trip the digestion process and keep the stomach full.

Royco Minute Soup has only 41k calories or 175Kj. That's a fraction of the calories of a sandwich or a cooked lunch. You can burn it off in about twenty minutes on a bike, less if there are scantily clad women surrounding you. Like in the gymn.

Cuppa soup flavours are very masculine. Not like that fancy Covent Garden Soup - Carrot and Corriander flavour? Fuck off. With cuppa soup you get; Chicken Flavour, Vegetable Flavour, Beef Flavour and so forth, and if they don't have your favourite it doesn't matter becaue they all taste the same. ...and it comes in a red box, so that's cuppa soup.

Still haven't answered the old conundrum though. Does one eat soup or drink it? What if it's in a cup? And what the fuck is Consommé? Probably bollocks if it's French.

I quite like French food actually, it's tasty even though the presentation is a bit poncey. I wonder if the French have a word for Ponce, probably not, why would they? Who are they going to call a ponce? It wouldn't be very convincing would it. I don't suppose Italians have a word for "arrogant loudmouthed twat" either.

We're going to Italy, a friend has an appartment in Bologna we can borrow. I'm going to have to take plenty of cuppa soup, Italian food is astoundingly bland. That is if you've been raised on Indian food, our breakfast has enough chilli in it to knoch out an ostrich. Ok, ostriches aren't very big but try punching one in the bollocks, it's not as easy as you think.

Oh, wait a minute, when you read this we will already be back from Italy, I hope we enjoyed it. Sorry, this isn't a live broadcast, it's scheduled in advance. I had to do it this way otherwise the burglers would know we're going away for the weekend. I'll bring you something nice to make up for it. A puppy! You'd like that wouldn't you? A tiny cute cuddly puppy, ahhhhhh!

Ciao for now, silly sod.


Monday, 1 June 2009

On Line Shopping

People who bought "Johnny Cash : The Autobiography", also bought "Pat Cash an autobiography", I don't think so. I can buy Robin Trower's "Another Days Blues" for 20.00 quid from Amazon or for 7 quid from "Alternative sellers", what's this? Why are Amazon selling things cheaper from other people? I smell a rat. Actually I'm not 100% what a rat smells like, never got close enough and hope I never do.

When I'm surfing the net of an evening I often get his message "This page contains unsecure items", I always click Yes to continue dowloading. Nothing ever happens, what's the point of that message? What insecure items? Clingy Jpeg's?

Then there this one; "You are now leaving the secure zone", Yes. I left the secure zone the day I installed microsoft products on my computer, it's a bit rich putting that pop-up on screen now isn't it Bill?

"This pornographic video has a deadly virus", Yes, "Do you wish to disable the virus checker?" Yes! hurry up you twat

But why am I documenting my filthy habits for the world to see? Partly because no one reads this and partly because that's not the point. The point is that internet security doesn't work because the idiot users always click "Yes" when they should click "No".

You see, it's no good having a mega-buck virus checker if the guy at next desk knows your network passwork. If someone leaves their computer unattended here's what you do:

Take a screen print of the desktop, delete all the icons on the desktop, set the screen print as the wallpaper. It will look like the icons are there but when the user clicks on them nothing happens, it's even better when the help desk logs on with a remote session to try to fix it.

Have you seen that new Reggie Perrin program with Martin Clunes? Don't bother, it's rubbish.

I'm preparing a piece on cuppa soup for the near future, if you have any requests please put them in comments. I mean requests for posts, I'm not mailing cuppa soup to anyone. Unless you are a leggy blonde, I think we know where this is heading so let's just nip it in the bud now.


Friday, 29 May 2009


King Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck, 28, an Oxford-educated bachelor, is the world's youngest monarch. The king of Bhutan no less. Makes you think doesn't it? Old Prince Charles just turned Sixty. He's going to have to give her a nudge down the stairs or he'll be the first Pensioner Prince and the first Pensioner King.

It's rotten luck though, she's had almost sixty years on the throne, if he's going to do that he'll have to live to be a hundred and fifty at this rate. Better start eating sushi Monsieur PP. But really, a sixty year old Prince? I ask you ladies if you've ever dreamed of being whisked off your feet by a Prince Charming on his white horse, how would you feel if this idiot turned up? "Is this monstrous carbuncle your house? What does your father do?" Hardly the pinnacle of romance is it?

Did you see that program about the Class system with John Prescott? Harping on about how he's still working class and old Tony's crowd never invited him to dinner because of his accent. Then he's in a cafe asking some fella his opinions on class and starts having a row with him! I'm not bleedin' surprised Tony never asked you to dinner mate, I wouldn't either and it's not because of your class or accent it's because you are a f*cking vulgar yob. He's still proud of himself for punching that bloke who threw an egg at him, he said so. The expression "chip on shoulder" doesn't even begin to describe "two jags" Prescott, more like a full portion of fish, chips and mushy peas with gravy on both shoulders.

In these crunchy times of fiscal probity should we really be having a 12 billion pound Olympic Games in London? I can still remember the terse letter from my bank manager saying "I am surprised you feel able to cash a fifty pound cheque at Thresher", Thresher being a liquor shop, it was the only place that would give cash against a cheque, I didn't buy fity quid of booze even though I was a student, I just needed the cash. But isn't this the same thing? It's buying a round of drinks on a slate, I'm not impressed. I'll watch it but I won't like it, I'm partly British after all.

Unlike Joanna Lumley, she's partly Indian. Now she's going to help write the policy on Gherkins because she was slinky actress once. She still is. Hmmmmm....

Errrmmm, planning any holidays? We might go to America. The problem with America is though they want our semen and DNA samples before we get into the country. I can just imaging that they take a sample and start accusing me of all sorts of monkey business. Who's going to take my semen sample anyway? Will we have a drink first? or dinner? I'm not juicing up for a rubber glove and a copy of Penthouse. Not again.

The only possible objection to governments keeping DNA records is that governments are shit at keeping any sort of data. Especially the Brits at the moment. This is why "if you're innocent you have nothing to worry about" is complete hogwash. Innocent people should be scared fucking shitless of giving their DNA to a government agency, it's just a matter of time before they put you in jail for something you didn't do. Something they did, most likely.

Anyway, that's that and this is me saying Goodnight.



Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Not Normal

I wasn't going to write nothing today but you have to get a load of this:

This morning I went to the posh car place to get the winter tyres took off my car but they denied me, the leasing company said they won't pay posh car place prices, I have to go to a cheap tyre shop. Well, it's their car I suppose, if it breaks they'll have to give me a new one.

So, I'm sitting at my desk spinning my usual web of corporate jumble when I get distress signal from Girlfriend. Apparently the cleaner has disturbed a couple of hoodlums in the process of forcing entry into our maison. She was a bit shaked so I packed up and set off home while Girlfriend called the cops.

Scene 2: I'm sitting at the kitchen table with a stack of new cd's from Amazon to copy when the cops arrive. They've only gone and caught the culprits! You could've knocked me down with a memory stick, hold the front page "Police Catch Burglars", fuck me. We went to the cop shop picked the baddy out of a line up and made a statement.

The statement bit was wierd, the cop was asking me to check the English, being not English herself. We had quite a discussion about the use of "then" versus "than", it seemed to detract from the gravity of the situation for me but the cop was very light hearted about the whole thing. She was glad she'd caught one, that doesn't happen often.

What a day! I got a ride in cop car, cool.

Now I'm off to the boozer to watch the Champions League final, at least nothing fishy can happen there...



Hungarian Asparagus Pickers

I can't believe it's been five years since the last European MP elections, where does the thyme go? Surely there must be a way that we can have you-are-peeing elections every year. Let's have a website poll, we could vote every week! Yaaayyy!

It's called Sarcasm according to the bitchikers excuse for a dictionary. Invented in 1066 when Harold said to Norman "Frankly, I don't see your point".

But surely now is a good time for me to pick up my election campaign trail again. The elections start on 4th June, I'll probably be back from some jaunt somewhere and fit in the votey bit between EXPENSE CLAIMS.

Just a minute, what about the Max Mosely? Should we make it legal to get five hookers in Nazi Uniforms on a sex weekend? I think we should, actually it's already legal, he didn't go to jail for it. The surprising thing is that more people don't do it. See, this feels right.

I want to make a law that let's married empee's shag hookers if it's on expenses. As an unelected citizen I believe it is my duty to put forward the needs of ordinary empee's and stop this blatant empeephobia which is staining our coastline. Or border. By border I mean sovereignty, pride. By pride I mean shirts, those coloured shirts with white collars and cuffs that Frenchmen wear.

If a man is a confessed alcoholic he should be allowed to drive drunk. This is obvious, he's confessed. Some people like to flash their expensive cars around wine bars and then they have to get home (to their second home with a tart). It is possible to be an alcoholic and keep down a job in politics, that's why stopping drink driving is anti-empee. Anything that's "anti" is bad, read the papers. Except anti-Nazi, unless it's a hooker in a party costume.

Back to the point though, I want to be Member of the You-Are-Peeing Parliament and I think it's going to take a step more than the mundane theiving and cheating of national politicians, here's the fucking plan:

First I'm going to get a cat, then I'm going to train the cat to swig vodka out of a bottle in a paper bag. Then I'm going to give him my loyalty card from Chez Fernand kebab shop. Once they get to know him down there I'll show the cat how to get two people on the metro on one ticket - it's not hard. Next I'll teach the cat to play guitar, mow the lawn and write wordy powerpoint shows that meander on for days without saying anything. Then I'll leave the cat in my office with "Project Management for Dummy's Cats" and just slink off into the distance.

I wake up on a south pacific island beach and it's better than winning the lottery, I don't have any money but I don't need it either, beauty.

Wait, that's a shit plan. Is it that em-ee-pees are all corrupt motherfucker's or is that all corrupt motherfucker's are emeepees? That's one of those trick population distribution questions that you need to draw a venn diagram for. I'll give you a hint; whichever way it works out, if you're a politician you are going to get your arse kicked no matter what you do. It's like being an insurance salesman or a twat. So the best thing to do is make lots of noise about people's rights while secretly hiving off tons of cash for the inevitable "early retirement".

So, can I count on your vote? No I won't kiss your baby, fuck-off.

Darn it, I almost had it in the bag. I think that baby thing blew it right at the end. Let's spend the rest of the budget on a huge election night party! Yaay!


Monday, 25 May 2009

It's Time to Play the Game

Who want's to see the Prime Minister on You Tube? No one.

I want to have a nice day, some sun, sit in the garden, have a beer. Do I care if monkey-bollocks went to Poland for a dick-slapping session about inter-governmental pigs-nipples?


I saw a piece on TV about the sad demise of Morris Dancing in Angleterre, is it my imagination or do they run the same piece every 10 years? Why don't they get money from the lottery like the opera mob? Don't tell me it's because Morris Dancers have no secret connections, the Lottery Fund distribution is done on a needs assesment basis for the betterment of all. Charities can't be corrupt. Ok, except that time Winston Churchill got £13 million to buy his grandad's diaries. They never did explain that one. Let's just try to forget it now, look at the tits on page three.

Actually, the only time I've wanted to see politicians on tv at all is when they've been caught lining their own pockets and have to explain their actions. How to explain the unexplainable to an audience who already thinks of you as a weasel, if nothing else it's an object lesson in creative speaking under pressure.

All of this is real:

"The rules aren't very clear so I claimed for everything and bought a new house just to be sure I was doing it properly"

"Well you tell me where I can get a moat cleaner for under £1500?"

"£1672 is exactly what it costs to build a duck island, the expenses committee approved it so it's completely within the rules. I fail to see the problem. "

"Of course I live with my wife and we are both MP's but the rules state each MP must buy a second house, so we bought two between us"

"I claimed for food only in the second house, not at my first house, it's a cheap shot to say I can only physically eat one dinner"

"Yes I continued claiming for the mortgage for two years after it was paid off, it was mistake. The place was awash with money we didn't have time to go into all the details"

"Obviously David Cameron is squeaky clean, he doesn't claim expenses, he gets £70,000 bonus for being leader of the opposition"

Isn't it a bit galling that the leader of the losers gets an extra seventy grand a year on top of his MP's salary? The same leader of the losers who was telling us last month how banks ruined the economy with their fat-cat bonuses?

Still, the bankers must be secretly thanking whoever blew the whistle on MP's expenses, certainly took the spotlight away from them. Could there be a connection? Surely not, that would mean that all rich people are more or less in cohoots to avoid any sort of justice. Frankly I'm not prepared to believe that of Michael Jackson and it's about time we stopped bashing middle class white men like this.

Ok, let's not be hasty. It was obviously David Cameron who blew the whistle on the expenses. He has nothing to lose, he can now get rid of some Tories he doesn't like and have real good go at Labour. That's why the news was leaked over several days and the first few days covered labour MP's only. They suffered the most damage. Cameron is an utter, utter weasel, he must win the next election, all the press will support him now.

There are three winners in this game; David Cameron, The Telegraph Newspaper and The Thieving Bankers. An unholy trinity if ever I saw one.


Friday, 22 May 2009

Anti Gravity Boy

When you get down to it Superman is pretty lame, compared to Batman, Spiderman, the X-Men, Hellboy, Iron Man etc. His first problem is that he can do everything, he's got too much power, so when he comes under attack it's hard to believe he's ever really struggling. It's hard to identify or empathise with him at any level. He is the Coporate version of a super-hero, it's just too much.

His second problem is he only has one enemy, Lex Luthor. The comic book superman and the tv series version had lots of enemies, but the movies only have Lex Luthor. It's not good enough and it shows a singular lack of imagination by the writers, "boooo!".

So here's the solution, take away the x-ray vision, the super hearing and that crap thing when he blows on something to freeze it and then make him fight six enemies at once. Also, he needs a personality. This "super" man is a super-boring goody two shoes, have a drink and lighten up dude!

You might think this is turning into that thing Will Smith did but that was rubbish, not that I've seen it, even though I own the DVD. I just know in advance that Will ruins every film he's in, it's not his fault, he just can't act. How many sequels have come from Will Smith movies? I don't know because I would have avoided them but I did see Men In Black II and it sucked, he should take the hint.

So, what's Anti Gravity Boy? Well, that's me! I had a dream where I figured out that instead of trying to fly I could mentally repel gravity, causing my body to float in the air. It looks the same as flying but the physics is different. I think it might actually work. That Russian scientist who invented the Theremin reckoned that he could take off simply by grabbing hold of a huge gyroscope. I saw the black and white footage of him waving a gyroscope around his head, that was three quarter's of tonne of steel and he really didn't look that strong.

So, from a 750kg spinning wheel to using "The Force" to fly isn't really that much of stretch. The question is, what does one do with the flying ability? I wouldn't want to be a circus exhibit, hanging around womens bathroom windows is going be interesting for a couple of days, then what? A courrier service? Surveillence? Bor-ring.

It doesn't seem worth the effort, might as well keep using the metro. I've 9 trips left on my ticket for now anyway, maybe then I'll see if I can figure out this flying lark.

I really did have that dream, that was the inspiration for this.


Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Tales of the Unexpended

Taxi drivers always say they know the way until you get going, then they ask you if you've been there before. Otherwise you wouldn't get in the cab.

My internet provider, Telenet, on line help only sends answers on email, the question? what's my email password? So if I can't get into email what use is this help? I can create a new account on line but they send the new account details to the same email address. So I phoned the helpesk, all three of them, they said it should be fixed in two or three days. Which probably means my order was sitting in someones in tray, lazy hyenas. That was four months ago.

I was in Paris two years ago to see that picture. "La Joconde" the French name, (also known as La Gioconda, this is the feminine form of Giocondo), the sitter was the wife of Francesco del Giocondo, her name was Lisa Gherardini the painting is also know as the Mona Lisa, this title means Madam Lisa. And then it was a film with Bob Hoskins.

I was walking to the metro and there's a part where the pavement is blocked by construction, they've built a small wooden walk way to get round it isnt even 3 ft wide (91 cm). There's this fat woman Coming the other way with a little white terrier. So I'm Waitirg behind two girls and theres a guy behind me, half way along the dog Stopped to take a dump. She was embarrassed, if only I knew the french words, I would have told her. The girls were messing around so one stepped in it and spread it around the narrow path. It was a bit runny anyway

I happened to notice this slogan on the website of a certain software firm "Your Potential. Our Passion". The more I think about it, I'm just not convinced this multi billion dollar corporation is passionate about my potential, we've never even met. Potential do do what anyway? Make a cheesy slide show with sliding captions synchronised to "Simply the Best"? Thanks but I'll manage without it.

I prefer the chinese approach "lucky 8 computer software company, boost your fertility 100% guaranteed!", of course that's horseshit but I'd rather buy from a company which falsly claims to boost my fertility than one that tells bland lies and then bores me into a coma. At least the the chinese are talking about something I'm interested in. Gambling and fertility should be more prominent in western culture, all this stuff about sports, celebrities, investment portfolios and hedge funds it's just money and sex. That's what it all boils down to.

Oh my god, I just figured out what "Hedge Fund" means! Hedge as in "hedging your bets", Fund as in "the clients money". There.

I'm tired, go away now.


Monday, 18 May 2009

The Yelpdesk

Want to know what's really going on down at the helpdesk?

You can try this at home kids, with Google Translate. Take a hypothetical helpdesk scenario:

"When I type "yuo" in an email the system keeps changing it to "you". "Yuo" is my Korean pen pal who I like to write to regularly to chat about families and things that go on in the day. We also play the "send me apathy" game on face book but the most important thing is that Yuo is planning to visit me for Easter. We are having logistical problems because of this spell checker, also because they don't have Easter so he doesn’t understand the schedule."

That's scenario I'm sending to the helpdesk. Say the helpdesk is in Berlin, they would translate it into German and that text translated back into English looks like this:

"If I, "you" in an e-mail system is constantly changing it to "you". "It is my Korean pen PAL, which I like to write regularly to chat about family and things that go into the day. We also play "Send me apathy" game on the face book, but the most important thing is that it is planning to visit me and Easter, we have logistical problems, because this thing, because they are not about Easter, so he doesn ' t understand the timetable."

The answer (which I wrote in English and double translated back) is this:

"Easter is on Sunday, 12 April, the usual schedule is Good Friday, Easter Monday, followed by the United Kingdom, and they have holidays. The weekend is not named and it's free for your needs, gentile. If you have a problem with your stylus Korean, please contact the manufacturer, we have no information from PAL. Have a nice day."

Stop and compare the answer with the question, both sides are competent and good communicators but the result is gibberish. I hope that explains why the help desk isn't what you hoped it would be.


Thursday, 14 May 2009

The Mystery of the Green Thing

This week, I are mostly been learning about gardening, it's that green thing behind the house, didn't have one before. In the previous place I mean, obviously this house always had a garden. Well, it's not obvious from the front but that's the question about a tree falling in the forest and not making a sound. I mean I haven't seen the enging in my car but I'm pretty sure it's got one.

But back to the garden, it is green so that's already a good start. It's got grass, a tree and lot's of little things that could be shrubs, bushes or just plants, I'm not that clear on the technical terms. The previous tennant didn't put names on anything, bugger, so I'm going to have to give them new names. There's a prickly one I'm going to call Rosey because roses have thorns but I was never really sure whether they put the thorns on in the factory or if they are born like that.

That's as far as I've got. There's a nifty electrial lawnmower which is quite noisy so that's fun, I'll be doing that a lot. I wanted a ho to get between the bushes with but I couldn't find one in the garden section of Brico. Insead I bought a poisonous chemical, some gloves and a spikey diggy thing - not quite sure what its for but it looks like it could cause a nasty injury so it must be something to do with gardening.

There was already some equipment here so I've been trimming the bushes, they were getting a bit, well, bushy.

I've already got a baseball hat so now I just need a six pack and a barbecue and that should be it. I can invite The Germans round for dinner al fresco, we had a chat about money today. Not a financial discussion, we were talking about the slang terms for money, we say 25 quid is a "pony", 500 quid is a "monkey" etc The Germans are not that creative with their slang, they have some but it's more on the level of "fiver" for five poinds. So a funfzig note would be called a "fufi" and a hundert is a "huni". We've had better conversations.

Language is funny anyway, even before you start talking pony. What's the language of diplomacy? They talk about it on the tv but they don't say which language it really is. Some people say French is the language of love, garbage, Hindi is the language of love, I know, I can speak both, a little. When I was a school they explained diplomacy like this; "talk quietly but carry a big stick", but that was during the cold war. The big stick was supposed to be a nuclear weapon I think but at that age all could think of was "penis".

Not much has changed, the cold war had cooled off but now that rascal gasPutin is stirring the pot again. And I'm mixing metaphors in a pot so it must be getting late, sorry about that, next time I'll try take the pips out of my writing. "Writing" is a bit grandoise, what else can I call e-Penning? Maybe it's just word masturbation.

Bye then.


It's finished, really. I know it's not a smooth finish but that's all I've got.



Monday, 11 May 2009

Kiss Off

This kissing business is just not making any sense at all. Isn't one enough? It's a kiss hello. Ok, one on each cheek, maybe the second one is their hello to you but three? Why repeat the first one? Isn't that like saying hello to someone, they say hello back and then you say hello again?

But even that I can manage if it's with a complete stranger, it's just kissing. But when it's friends, someone I've known for a long time, it's too much. There are feelings behind any contact, especially that one, and not always good feelings. But if they are good feelings, that's not good.

And those guys who do it, the southern Europeans mostly, that's just not happening. Not two or one. None. Hello and a handshake is all the contact I need with a man.

I often introduce myself as English and I see people stopping short of the kiss hello, it's an uncomfortable moment but frankly it's better than the option. Nothing personal, it's not you it's me.

It is interesting how quickly people make these judgements, "English, no kiss", "Indian, karma sutra eerrrm... best be careful". I have been told before that I am associated with the Karma Sutra simply for having an Indian background. In reality I am very uncomfortable even kissing cheeks.

So where does that leave us? Stop importing continental culture, I don't mean yoghurt, I mean habits. You can't trust people who don't eat a proper breakfast. Ok, I have Pepsi Max for breakfast and I live on the continent but that's not the point. The whole isn't the sum of the parts, the people are still the people even if one lives in Belgium.

I didn't want to live in Belgium, who ever thinks of migrating to Belgium? I thought Australia or Western USA but extraneous circumstances happened to me and now I'm here. I'm not crying, I'm just saying I could have learned to surf and had a barbie cruising the strip or whatever it is.

We have got a loverly garden though. More about that soon.


Friday, 8 May 2009

Cheap DNA Scanners

Why does the word Autumn, have an "n" at the end? Why does "psycho" start with a pee? Why can't we correct these obvious mistakes?

Because language is sacrosanct. That's means you can't change it because "we" won't allow it. There's an unwritten code that as society advances and discovers new advanced things we will keep certain rubishy old things and call it our heritage.

In Iceland they stayed out of the Eurozone and staunchly protected their currency as their Soveriegn Right. Now, their banks have collapsed, their Soveriegn Right is worth fuck-all and they want to join the Eurozone. Denied. Countries with shit loads of debt aren't allowed in (except Italy and Greece). Should have joined when you were doing well and you wouldn't be screwed now.

Is this what it's going to take to make England join the Eurozone? Yes it is. That's all there is to it. You know full well that as soon as the Euro overtakes the Pound all of those macho sovereign posturing media types will be blaming the govevernment for not joining the Euro "when we had it good".

The government knows that it's irrelevant, it's just a trump card. The next time England hits serious finincial problems they'll say "let's join the Euro, that was my idea, I thought of it because I put the country first and I'm in touch with the people".

I can buy Cheddar and HP sauce in Brussels, HP Sauce is made in Holland anyway, they moved last year. They kept the picture of Big Ben on the lable though. The recipe comes from India. Britain needs it's sauce factory but it should be called International Sauce instead of HP and the picture should be an artists sketch of the Solar System.

Why don't we just sack all the politicians and become a global society already? We can still have flags and songs and Olypmics and Football but why do we need these boring twats harping on day after day about the FooTSiE, the Hang Seng, a quarter point off interest rates, the pound against the dollar? Just wipe it all out, one global currency, no interest rates, no inflation, no exchange rates. Do we really need those things? You go to France for a day trip to get cheap fags and booze, swap your pounds for euros and swap euros for pounds on the way back. Isn't it rather pointless? Just use plastic, then there is no currency, you can still get fags and booze. If we used plastic for everything who would care or notice about pounds and euros?

Better still we have to make credit cards out of recycled paper, or even better use a dna scanner to identfy people and take money directly from the bank.

It won't be cheap, you might need a loan to buy a dna scanner.


Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Famous Last Words

"Dear Valued Customer, In order to improve on the already fantastic service we provide, we moved the helpdesk to a shed in India…"

Banks have been increasing profits and laying people off for years with mergers and acquisitions, barely a season goes by when they don't introduce another great service or product, or announce bigger than ever profits. Until now. Suddenly these bastions of monetarism have been bought by governments to keep them alive.

In the long run then, shouldn't we have left them in government control? Protected the workers rather than the CEO's?

In every story about bankers today there are least 3 "sirs" and 2 "lords" apologising, resigning and forfeiting multi-million pound bonuses. Fortunately for them they've been pocketing the same bonuses for years so they can afford to skip one. It's a nice gesture though, it shows how much they care about ordinary people who are jobless and homeless now and don't have a penny savings but mountains of debt thanks that wonderful "c", Consumerism. Their advice to us is, "you must spend more money to get out of the recession".

We are in the middle of a financial catastrophe, so the best thing is to spend more money. I keep mulling this one over, I just don't get it. They average debt per person in UK is 12,000 pounds, that's why they need to spend more money. Is this a good system? Does it work? Is it good for us? The early eighties saw huge recession, massive job-losses which were all needed to stabilize the economy. Thirty years later we're standing in the biggest shit-pile since The Ark finally hit land. So, shall we keep on with this system? Is it working? You know, I really can't tell, I'm just not qualified in these highly complex financial matters, is there a "sir" or a "lord" nearby?

Sir James Crosby resigned from the FSA. Most people only resign if something serious kicks off and they are forced to, but this guy did it for the good of the financial sector. He was careful to stress that this had nothing with allegations that Paul Moore was now saying "see, I told you" apparently Paul was sacked three years ago after he told Sir James that the banks were stealing money without check. Paul still isn't a "sir", he never will be. If he wanted to be a "sir" he would have traded his information for a promotion and a bonus. But he didn't, he spoke out and lost his job. He would never have been seen again except now that the banks have collapsed people are saying "remember that fella who said this would happen? Why didn't we listen to him instead of this idiot Crosby?".

Oh, is it improper to call a "sir" an idiot? Yes it is, and it should be, but "sir"'s should not behave like this, "sirs"'s should be sent back down the ranks for this. That would be the proper thing to do, otherwise it just promotes the idea that "sir"'s only get their titles by nefarious means and will do anything, no matter how dishonourable, to keep those titles. If that's even half true then we might as well stop wearing wigs in court. I don't want to be melodramatic but I think it really is that serious. Why is it so difficult to tackle institutionalised fraud, theft, racism, sexism, cronyism? Same for taxes, isn't there one single person in the entire civil service whose bonus depends on how much the tax burden is reduced? It seems not. Start a new project, have another party, print another two hundred t-shirts, collect your bonus, pass go and just throw the dice again, there's no harm done.

I was being sarcastic.


Friday, 1 May 2009

Urban Poetry

This one is called: Warm Day

It stinks here,
Chewing gum and petrol,
My feet are too hot in these boots,
I want a cold drink but I've just had one,
I can't think,
Why is it so hot?
It's too hot here,
We can't cope with this heat,
This is a cold country,
Our dogs are barking all day,
Even our sex is shorter now,
I wish it was winter.


Thursday, 30 April 2009

Saints Alive !

That's an odd thing to say, why would anyone say that? It was St George's day last Thursday. George was an English knight who rescued a maiden (virgin) by slaying a dragon. Whoever said Sainthood is bestowed upon the virtuous was talking bollocks. This is why Mother Theresa will never be a saint, she hasn't killed anything in the pursuit of a good shag.

There are some thing's I really love about the church, in some respects it's real good old fashioned boys club, drinking and fighting to the max. But what else happened on this auspicious day? Bearing in ming that St Georges day was last week (the 23rd), here are some top events on this day in history (meaning today, the 30th). No I don't know what the point is, there is no connection:

Willie Nelson was born in 1933
Elvis recorded Jailhouse Rock in 1957 (Presley not Costello, idiot)
Premier of McVicar starring Roger Daltry in 1980
Jesus of Nazareth was crucified in 0030
Darrell Sweet of Nazareth died of a heart attack as they arrived in New Albany for a gig in 1999
Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun committed suicide. They had been married for one day. 1945
Monica Seles was stabbed in the back during a tennis match in Hamburg 1993.

I haven't made up that Nazareth thing, check www.on-this-day.com. That was the second coming (Ok, I made up that bit). Spooky isn't it? No? Suit yourself then, what do I care I'm a Heathen.

It's gradually becoming more acceptable to waive flags and prance around on St Georges and why not? Other countries do it, there should be a national holiday in all of Europe. Once the Scottish oil runs out and they finally get independence we'll be able to divest ourselves of the Welsh and Northern Irish and the flags will really come out. England for the English say I. I'm staying put in Belgium though, I don't need to be surrounded by football hooligans and binge drinking teenagers, especially at weekends. Belgium is much more weekend-ish on Saturday's and Sundays, they don't even open the shops on Sunday.

Now that I'm old and can't handle it anymore I've decided that binge drinking is a bad thing. It's not for lack of trying, you can ask Girlfriend, I just can't manage that second bottle of Bacardi every night.

Actually I didn't know Adolf and Eva were even married, I wonder if the marriage was properly consummated? In one day? I would be shame to have died without even having a nibble, for her I mean, I didn't care much for Adolf, shocking temper. Always shouting and stomping around, there's just no need for it is there? We're all under pressure but you just have to get on as best you can don't you?

On that note...


Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Everybody Loves Somebody

I couldn't help my self laughing at Barack Obama taking the oath of office. Of all the things to screw up, only the entire planet was watching.

Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.

If John McCain was a POW doesn't that mean he fucked up and got captured by the enemy? That's what he built his campaign on, loser.

What's wrong with hunting? Millions of animals are slaughtered every day for food, it's ok to electrocute 20 million cattle for burgers but it's not ok to set the dogs on a fox. A fox just a red dog with bad teeth.

What if we set fifty pigs on a human being? Equally deadly but less than electrocuting 20 million cattle. So then why is it illegal for one human to kill another?

It depends on the human. In some countries it's legal to kill sick people if they ask nicely. In some cultures burying dead people is considered a waste of good meat. And some people think they are heroes if they blow themselves up and kill lots of other people, the more the better.

If you got into a fight and killed someone you'd get 20 years for murder, unless it was in a boxing ring, then you get tons of money and talk to that posh chick on tv.

We're not that civilised really are we? There's lots of ways to kill people legally and it's getting worse.

So in the end of it, if I want drive through the tunnel at 150k at 6am it's up to me, there's no one else there at that time, it doesn't matter if there's a law against it. Except that one time the cop followed me to work, luckily I was in a melancholic mood and he didn't catch me doing anything unbecoming.

Well, it's easy to be melancholy at 6am, when you're not really awake. Try being melancholy at midnight in the pub. You'd have to be a goth.

The real reason I don't eat at Burger King is because I think the burgers are full of dead moths, the flame attracts them you know. I'll just go to McBurger's and have that microwaved thing, whatever it is. It's better to microwave them then you know that everything in there is definitely dead. Girlfriends sister doesn't even own a microwave, I thought that odd for a German.

Hmmmmm... I forgot I was going write now. How can you not own a microwave? In this day and age?

Nevermind, I'll think of something later


Monday, 27 April 2009

Time Magazine

You may have noticed that Time Magazine did a piece about this blog. They said "some of the socio-political commentary is truly cutting edge and quite remarkable for someone who isn't a professional journalist". So I decided to reciprocate and have a look at their mag.

What a load of bollocks - you can quote that.

Do you still think this is cutting edge?

Time Magazine is a big fat stinking rotten crusty dinosaur. What were they writing about in the buld up to the biggest recession in like, ever? Al Gore's home movie about Polar Bears stuck on ice bergs. Because they didn't see it coming, unlike that fella who was sacked from RBS for saying "this is a really bad idea", why isn't his face on the front cover of fucking Time fucking Magazine? Embarrassing? Yes it would be.

Why do people still read this crap? It's obvious they have no more insight than that fat bloke down the pub. Now they're writing ad nauseum about the size of the recession and how they cleverly predicted Barack Obama to win the Election and he's going to make history. This seems to be a magazine aimed solely at clueless people who are somehow isolated from the entire world. Here's a revolutionary idea for you Time Magazine people: TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T ALLREADY KNOW!

And please don't write any more articles about how the dinosaurs (your relatives) "might" have died out following a meteor strike, I'm not interested in another fucking crater under the sea off Mexico. I'm sticking to my own theory - they died of syphillis because penis-illin' hadn't been invented.

You can still disseminate information on paper but I'll tell you what; the people who work in the business of shifting critical information aren't doing it like that anymore. They're using fancy blue glowy things that make beepy noises, that's the cutting edge, a memory on a stick and a dual core apple with a shiny lid.

Anyhoot, Time Magazine? No. Time Gentlemen, please.

Next time I'll be talking Cobblers about the slow decline of the shoe mending industry in a piece entitled "Thanks for nothing you bunch of C**ts".


Saturday, 25 April 2009

Professor Jarhead

In the last episode I mentioned a motivational story about a Professor putting his balls in a jar, I couldn't remember the actual story but assumed you would just Google it. Apparently that's too much effort, it's not enough that I tell you about these wonderful things that go on in the world it seems I have to wipe your arse too. Sadly I'm out of banana leaves.

So, here's the full story, perhaps you'd like me to come round and read it to you?


A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The Professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the space between the grains of sand.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."


The important thing is not to put the sand in the jar first, look after the important things - your balls.

The reality, of course, is if the professor puts off fixing the disposal again he'll be wearing the jar for a hat. Hence Professor Jarhead.

I thank you.