Friday, 5 June 2009


I'm no communist, I want to make that clear now because frankly I see this whole Obama administration thing ending in a huge witch-hunt. I'm not a muslim either. In fact I'm nothing you need to know about (5th ammendment), I have no beliefs (officially), I'm a literary mercenary. I'll write any bollocks.

I confessed, what did you expect? I haven't had military training, my mum didn't let me.

All this melodramatics, it's my bollywood heritage and I'm not apologising for that. I have nothing against advertising "per se", it just conflicts with the aesthetic of my blog, not just the physical aesthetic but the unquantifiable intellectual aesthetic. Why don't they advertise something other than "instant sex, thousands of members are waiting near you!", that doesn't sit well with my sensibilities. I'm not qualifying that statement either, jeeez you ask a lot of questions, worse than a woman or a southerner.

So, in the spirit of being a bit shifty I'm going to run a pilot program of not-sex text only adverts. It's Adversteasement:

1. Grass
"see that brown mud-patch behind your house? It's supposed to be a garden you fucking lazy tit, buy some Grass for Jimmy's sake" (ref: some encyclopeadica; Jimmy Hendrix is God)

2. Cats
You might think “Free To A Good Home” is less than a glowing endorsement so try this; “take the cat home or it goes to the bottom of the canal in a sack with a rock”. The problem with selling cats is people only give money for those posh stuck up ones; "you chase the fucking clockwork mouse, you bought it" I don't like those cats.

3. The Samaritans
Tons of debt? Affair going sour? Kids on Drugs? Don’t top yourself, call The Samaritans and hear what a real loser sounds like

4. Insecurity
What? Just get a life you wet-arsed muppet.

5. Adverteasement (:promoting adverts)
Naked women selling cuppa soup and box spanners. To wankers. There's only one cure for baldness, wear a fucking hat and get over it. There's only one cure for Advertising, Stop Being A Tit. "SBAT; a slogan is not for life, it's just for Christmas"

I’m not quite sure who would be advertising Insecurity and to what end but there you have it. Think of it like an academic excercise, ie of no practibal use. Ok it's a harsh thing what I said abaaht Insecuritee, it's me up-bringing see? I can never apologise properly, I always put on a silly voice to hide my shame.

According to the University of Cambridge, England, you didn't ntocie taht lsat typo bceasue the mcagial brian only needs to see the first and last letters in place to make a word. Ok I cheated, I spelled it wrong. (no Practibal use)? I dunno, I'm not even following this anymore, Jesus!

There's a subject, and a question; If you can turn water into wine can you turn grass into Zombie or Skunk? I'd cough up some serious moolah to be at that gig. Talking of old I'm going to see Whitesnake on Sunday, well David Coverdale anyway, the other people weren't even born when we were rocking out to Fool for Your Loving etc.

So, yeeeeh. Still, at least it's not raining.


Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Cuppa Soup

As promised, here's the low down on cuppa soup, I'm going to start completely off subject, to confound you, and then cleverly link into soup.

Do you know what Ice T is? If you're thinking "rapper" you are soooo wrong, he is a Lyrical Gangsta. He is, he's got a shed full of attitude to boot, his mum's sister told me. She's an Empirical Cuisineologist (here comes the clever link).

Talking of cuisine, cuppa soup, "Royco Minute Soup" to be precise is the flavour of the month. You can easily keep a few in you desk drawer and they are a most excellent hangover cure. Also, soup is THE miracle diet food. The problem with drinking water to cure hunger is that is doesn't stay in the stomach, the body recognises that it doesn't need to digest so it passes straight through. So, fill your stomach with soup, it's mostly water but just enough food to trip the digestion process and keep the stomach full.

Royco Minute Soup has only 41k calories or 175Kj. That's a fraction of the calories of a sandwich or a cooked lunch. You can burn it off in about twenty minutes on a bike, less if there are scantily clad women surrounding you. Like in the gymn.

Cuppa soup flavours are very masculine. Not like that fancy Covent Garden Soup - Carrot and Corriander flavour? Fuck off. With cuppa soup you get; Chicken Flavour, Vegetable Flavour, Beef Flavour and so forth, and if they don't have your favourite it doesn't matter becaue they all taste the same. ...and it comes in a red box, so that's cuppa soup.

Still haven't answered the old conundrum though. Does one eat soup or drink it? What if it's in a cup? And what the fuck is Consommé? Probably bollocks if it's French.

I quite like French food actually, it's tasty even though the presentation is a bit poncey. I wonder if the French have a word for Ponce, probably not, why would they? Who are they going to call a ponce? It wouldn't be very convincing would it. I don't suppose Italians have a word for "arrogant loudmouthed twat" either.

We're going to Italy, a friend has an appartment in Bologna we can borrow. I'm going to have to take plenty of cuppa soup, Italian food is astoundingly bland. That is if you've been raised on Indian food, our breakfast has enough chilli in it to knoch out an ostrich. Ok, ostriches aren't very big but try punching one in the bollocks, it's not as easy as you think.

Oh, wait a minute, when you read this we will already be back from Italy, I hope we enjoyed it. Sorry, this isn't a live broadcast, it's scheduled in advance. I had to do it this way otherwise the burglers would know we're going away for the weekend. I'll bring you something nice to make up for it. A puppy! You'd like that wouldn't you? A tiny cute cuddly puppy, ahhhhhh!

Ciao for now, silly sod.


Monday, 1 June 2009

On Line Shopping

People who bought "Johnny Cash : The Autobiography", also bought "Pat Cash an autobiography", I don't think so. I can buy Robin Trower's "Another Days Blues" for 20.00 quid from Amazon or for 7 quid from "Alternative sellers", what's this? Why are Amazon selling things cheaper from other people? I smell a rat. Actually I'm not 100% what a rat smells like, never got close enough and hope I never do.

When I'm surfing the net of an evening I often get his message "This page contains unsecure items", I always click Yes to continue dowloading. Nothing ever happens, what's the point of that message? What insecure items? Clingy Jpeg's?

Then there this one; "You are now leaving the secure zone", Yes. I left the secure zone the day I installed microsoft products on my computer, it's a bit rich putting that pop-up on screen now isn't it Bill?

"This pornographic video has a deadly virus", Yes, "Do you wish to disable the virus checker?" Yes! hurry up you twat

But why am I documenting my filthy habits for the world to see? Partly because no one reads this and partly because that's not the point. The point is that internet security doesn't work because the idiot users always click "Yes" when they should click "No".

You see, it's no good having a mega-buck virus checker if the guy at next desk knows your network passwork. If someone leaves their computer unattended here's what you do:

Take a screen print of the desktop, delete all the icons on the desktop, set the screen print as the wallpaper. It will look like the icons are there but when the user clicks on them nothing happens, it's even better when the help desk logs on with a remote session to try to fix it.

Have you seen that new Reggie Perrin program with Martin Clunes? Don't bother, it's rubbish.

I'm preparing a piece on cuppa soup for the near future, if you have any requests please put them in comments. I mean requests for posts, I'm not mailing cuppa soup to anyone. Unless you are a leggy blonde, I think we know where this is heading so let's just nip it in the bud now.