Saturday, 29 September 2007

Vote JJ, for a Dimmer Future!

This is number 6 on my list of things to do before I die, become and MEP.

Does anyone know if I need a manifesto to become an MEP or do they still just get their family and friends to vote and win because the turnout is so poor? If I don't have to write a manifesto or talk about politics I might do it. As long I get tons of expenses payments every time I don't turn up to parliament.

Oh yes and I'll need a big flash car, there won't be any green nonsense in my policies or on my plate. I see myself as an old style fat cat politician who knows nothing about his electorate and couldn't give a fig about the country or anyone who doesn't play golf.

1. Members of the public aren't expected to recycle. We're going to tax Chinese imports and use the money to employ local people to clean up the environment. Also, big business and corporations have to clean up their shit and stop trying to hoodwink the gullible public into putting paper into separate bins that end up in landfill anyway.

2. No carbon tax on flying. Instead, anyone who flies business class or first class has to ride a bike to work (except public servants because they are working in the public interest and shouldn't be troubled with these things)

3. There will be no referendums on the European constitution or treaty. The general public knows nothing about Europe and cares less. The elected government of each country has to decide how they implement European law and stop bleating about it. Referendums will be banned altogether, it's the governments job to govern so get on with it.

4. Public transport will be scrapped and the billions of euros spent on it will go towards providing a huge fleet of taxis that use bio fuel and will be free to ride in. Taxi drivers will be subject to weekly showers, or baths, as they prefer.

5. Anyone caught walking a dog on a city street will be forcibly re-located to the countryside. It's better for the dog and the rest us of can walk on shit-free streets. Any dogs found wandering alone on the streets will be impounded and consider themselves lucky that's all they get done to them.

6. No one will be allowed to park outside a house or apartment block unless they live there or the resident agrees some parking fee. If someone does park outside your house you will be entitled, by law, to "key the car". But only one continuous scratch.

7. Instead of car insurance we'll have an annual fee paid to local governments. But if you crash your car you'll have to pay for your own repairs so you better not buy a flash car and drive like a loony. No cop outs for company cars, you crash - you pay. (Damage to civil servants cars will be paid by the state because they are working for the public good and shouldn't be troubled with these things)

8. Car free day(s) will be mandatory in every city in every member state. Be prepared to have more than one of these.

9. Anyone caught carrying a gun will have it removed and be shot with it, instantly.

10. All employers will implement flexible working hours. People should be allowed to come and go as they please and work from home when they feel like it.

11. Banks will not be allowed to charge for anything except interest on loans. They make far too much money so they'll have to learn to live off the interest they make on peoples cash.

12. Remote controls will be made to one standard, so you only need one for all of your gadgets. You still get one with each gadget but you can just keep them for spares.

13. Priorite Adroit rules will be banned. That's just nonsense, no one knows how it works and it causes too many accidents

14. Heinz Baked Beans will be not be called "Tomato Beans" in Belgian shops, that's silly

15. French fries will be called by their proper name, Chips. Any place selling chips will also have vinegar, pickled onions, pickled eggs, battered fish, mushy meas, battered sausages, curry sauce (not that putrid yellow stuff), the proper Homepride tinned variety and gravy.

16. Now that UK is retaining imperial measurements alongside metric, it's only fair to introduce imperial measurement to the rest of Europe along with the Pound Sterling as an option to the bland characterless Euro

17. Tabloid press will only be allowed to write headlines, no stories. They can have pictures but no text. Their readers will have to work out what's going on for themselves by practicing logic and deductive reasoning.

18. No pop group will be allowed to call themselves a Band unless at least one of them plays an instrument.

19. The next person to say "I love my Apple Mac" will get slapped, as will all subsequent people. The Apple is a "computer" for people who don't know how to use a computer, that's your slogan so-called "Apple Community".

20. This is getting silly now.

"Vote for JJ" and get fleeced to pay for his fact finding missions in the Bahamas to study their public transport infrastructure. If Glenys Kinnock can do it why not me? She was a nursery school teacher and now she's a fat cat.

Disclaimer: I reserve the right to change any or all of these policies before, during or after election.