Friday, 10 October 2008

Hay-yelp!

According to Stephen Hawking's anthropomorphic principle the answer to the question "why are we here?" is "because we are here". As far as I understand it, he is saying that having evolved to the point we are at now, we are now able to ask such complex questions as "why are we here?". See? It's because we are here.

It seems to make sense but it's not very exciting is it? I was hoping for some alien beings to drop by and say "yeeeh, years ago we fired out samples of DNA to different planets in the hope that one would support life so that we could move there when our place becomes uninhabitable. By the way, your tv programs are shit".

Can you imagine aliens, light years away, looking for signs of life saying "fecking East Enders again? Keep looking". That's why aliens don't visit us, they get the tv programs and they're not impressed. I mean there needs to be some compelling reason to cover that amount of distance. Imagine aliens watching Lesbian Hour on Playboy TV, "That's not going to work. It doesn't work like that. They'll go extinct unless we say something about this, they're doing it wrong. It's no use putting your tongue in there you idiot, that's just stupid".

Aliens are lazy, they've got so much technology they just can't be arsed to go anywhere. If I had a spare day to spare I could very easily fill it with guitar playing, game playing, internet surfing, writing this and other stuff. I don't have to leave the house at all. Imagine what it's like for aliens, they have tons more stuff than we do. For aliens to come here is like me going to Charleroi to see what's going on there, I haven't been yet and I've no plans to do so. Besides, I live in Brussels, why should I visit planet Earth at all?

Anyway, how annoying is that for old Stephen Hawking, all that effort to come up with such a simple and elegant answer to one of the biggest questions of all time and the most common response is "so, do you think we'll make contact with aliens?", the answer should be "it's possible but you won't be the one to do it, considering that you can't even see past the end of your fecking nose you tit!", that would sound really cool with his robot voice. I blame society, no one wants to talk anymore, I spend half my day wandering round the office telling people "send me an email, I can't talk now I have to go to a meeting". Ok it's not society, it's me, I'll take the blame for everything ever, happy now?

Yes it's my fault Aliens don't visit and the Second Coming of Christ didn't happen, it's because I refuse to be a slave to email. I switched off the annoying noises and pop-up warnings, I read mail when I'm ready. Sometimes that means I'll get a message like "Second Coming this afternoon, sorry it's short notice but it's the only window for another 2,000 years, await your confirmation, best regards etc." dated the day before yesterday. Feck! We've missed the Second Coming because I didn't read my email! How I'm I going to explain this? Forget it, I'll just delete it and pretend I didn't get it. So what? I was probably going to burn in hell anyway, they can just add this to the list and it's not like I did it on purpose. What about forgiveness eh?

Oh what's the use, butter me up Scotty!

JJ

2 comments:

SpanishGoth said...

Ha, you missed the visit then.

The Aliens did visit Hawkins and they sang "We will fix it, we will fix it, we will make it new, new, new"

but then some fat cat spoiled the party

JolietJake said...

Who is Hawkins then? That fella off Treasure Island?

Muppet