Thursday, 27 August 2009

Salad Bar

Now that I'm old(er) and fat(ter) I've decided that salad is a nice thing. Up until last friday, I hated salad with a vengeance. When I was young(er) and thin(ner) I only ate junk food and swore I never eat a salad. Which only proves that young thin people are stupid and I'm glad I'm not one of them and I hate them all. Except Americans, there is no point hating Americans, they can't deal with real emotion so it's just wasted effort on my part.

It's good in a way; in America you'll get ostracised if you really tell someone you hate them, they say "you're mean" with their squeaky voices and get really upset. You can get away with it in France, they're used to it. The problem with the Septics now is I've been watching so many TV programs and movies, since I was knee high to a banjo, when I see them in real life it seems like they're acting. I keep expecting them to drop the accent any minute and say something like "I could murder a decent cuppa, this Starbucks tastes like gnat's piss". Which it does. Why they insist on serving it in paper cups the size of an umberella stand is beyond me.

(Septic Tank = Yank). Sorry.

Anyway, the Salad Bar. So there's this internet dealy now and we've got it in the office, you can order your lunch on screen, amazing. Today I have created my own salad; Ham, Chicken, Cheese, Boiled Egg, Balsamic and mandatory greens. I named it "I wish it was a kebab". At least it made me smile when I saw the plastic tub with the label on it, I also gave my name as Cribbleshanks for added amusement. There's nothing else to do it's the holiday season, there's no one in the office, "if it gets any more lively a funerals going to break out" (Rodney Dangerfield) Does he really write those lines or just tell 'em? Actor or Comedian? Which is he?

Ok that's all we've got time for, see you next week, keep taking the meds.


PS. most anti-depressants are actually laxatives, since that French philosopher said "I do most of my thinking on the bog". Can't think of the name, not Kant, he was German.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Foreign Muck

When I was a lad all we ate was foriegn food, because mum cooked it. Often I would sit an ponder "just what is it these whitey's eat at home?" (we didn't have political correctness in those days) really, it was a mystery. I knew about some things like fish and chips, toast, boiled eggs and we had a few things at school like stew, mash and jam roly poly. But somehow it didn't fit that people could be eating this at home. In my mind school dinners were kids food. What sort of grown up person would eat a sausage? Just look at it.

So, for most of my childhood I imagined the neighbours were eating fish and chips every night. And it being the thing we didn't have every night, became the object of all desires, as these things do when you're that age.

Nevertheless, I racked my brain for alternatives and concluded that eggs and toast must be a meal. Like this; toast, buttered, with sliced boiled egg, salt and massala (the sort you make curry's with). Like an open sandwich, magnificent and I still eat it to this day. It was an assumption handed down over generations that massala went in every dish, because the preceeding generations lived in India.

Then, some thirty years later, I was in Hawaii (last week) and discovered their speciality: Loco Moco. A bed of rice, hamburger, covered in gravy topped with a fried egg. Now you can get Super Loco Moco which includes fried spam, fried salami and two eggs. Obviously I went for the Super version, being a sucker for fried spam that I am. The amazing thing about Hawaii was during the whole week we only had pineapple once, for breakfast. They eat more papaya and mango than pineapple. But if anything should be their national food emblem, it's Spam, it's everywhere they love it. No wonder they're so fat.

So there you go, no one wants to be known as the spam eating country (or state), so let's stick with the pineapple, even if it's complete bollocks. It's true that travel broadens the mind though. Far from a picturesque paradise, half of hawaii is old run down villages full of poor people with no jobs. True the other half is fantastic beaches, expensive designer shops and mega expensive hotels but there are only tourists in that half.

That's why tourists find Hawaii'ans to be so friendly, is it you they're smiling at or your wallet? They are still people after all and spam doesn't grow on trees (please god, if there is a god...)


Sunday, 23 August 2009

Lockerbie Bomber

So this lockerbie bomber was sent home and got a hero's welcome in Libya. A few things need to be said though:

1. It was a very dodgy conviction. He was fingered by one guy, and some say that guy saw his picture in a magazine in a completely unrelated article.

2. The reason he got a hero's welcome isn't because all Libyan's are terrorists. It's because his people believe he is an innocent man, wrongly convicted by the UK

3. "a man who murdered over 250 people freed on compasionate grounds!?" why the surprise? That's what compassion is all about, don't kick a man when he's down, it's what separates us from the terrorists. Mercy isn't just something you just read about in Sunday school, it's what you do to evil people who come unstuck to show them a better way

I reckon the Scottish government know this was a political conviction so they let him go before it became a humanitarian issue. Also, it gives them a chance to flex some political muscle on foriegn policy and cock a snook at the UK government at the same time. The more they show on the international stage, the more freedom from UK Parliament.

Barack Obama scored an own goal though. For him to say that the Scots made a mistake is actually his mistake. Small tin pot regimes like Libya thrive when Legitimate governments argue with each other. Libyans will now claim Scotland as an ally, is that what they want? Equally, Americas enemies will croon that the US is unable to show magnanimity even when their allies are merciful.

Barack should have stepped out, showed some respect to the Scottish government it's their decision to make, not his. Scottish politicians are unbelievably diplomatic, every Scot I know would've just told Barack to fuck off, especially after a couple of whiskey's which is usually any time after breakfast.

On an urelated note,I heard on the BBC that one of the goals of the Afghanistan invasion was to stem the flow of herion. That's bollocks, out of all the bad things the Taleban did the good thing was they stopped opium farming. Afghanistan only regained it's position as number one heroin exporter after the western liberation. Yes that right, they were the number one before the Taleban came along. Do you think agricultural colleges do studies about which soil is best for growing drugs? Maybe not officially.