Tuesday, 1 May 2007

Now then, what's all this?

In the news today:

Victoria Beckham is going to study Scientology so that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will agree to appear in her fly-on-the wall documentary about her move to LA. The documentary makers are concerned it might not generate enough interest if there aren't any celebrities in the program. Belies their opinion of the Beckam's celebrity status then. What would she have to study to get Dolly Parton to put in an appearance? No, I was thinking of singing.

A Californian biotech has received permission to grow rice in Kansas which has human breast milk and saliva genes in it. They assured us the rice wouldn't get into the human food chain. Reminds me of the old BSE caper, the problem was with cows being fed brains and spinal chords of, cows. I've always maintained that this sort of thing is much more likely to wipe out humanity than nuclear war. What next? grow-your-own vegetable politicians? Back to California.

Female chimpanzees in Senegal have learned to make and use spears to kill bushbabies. Being unable to compete directly with males for food, they have to be more resourceful. The report, on the BBC website, goes on to say that this adds weight to the theory that human females were the first to use weapons. Well I never! But since when is a lawyer classed as a weapon?

The British Army is launching a new recruitment campaign targeting ethnic minorities and women. That's something of a change of pace for the Brits, in the old days they used to invade the ethnic minority's country and just "assume" them into their Army. When I was at school the Army brought in a few of the previous years school leavers, who had joined the army, to talk to us in small groups. I remember thinking "that guy used to be a complete knuckle-head when he was at school and now they've turned him into... a knuckle-head in a uniform". Nein Danke.

A group of monks at the Hong Hock See temple in Georgetown, Malaysia have a problem with fire ants. The ants have set up home in the sacred bodhi tree under which the monks and their visitors like to meditate. The monks, being Buddhists, cannot harm the ants. However, the chief monk said if someone else was to do it without the knowledge or involvement of the monks then that would be "the will of the universe". Typical religious types, the on the surface all serene and angelic but inside he's thinking "Fucking ants, kill them all!" I say "wake up dough-head this is Gods way of telling you to stop wasting your life sitting under a tree and get a proper job you lazy sponger"

Television chat shows in Greece have whipped up a frenzy by claiming that a mixture of raw olive tree leaves and water can cure cancer. Two brothers in the southern part of the country got into a fight over whether to give the third brother this treatment for his cancer. One brother stabbed the other three times in the chest and killed him. I knew it, these herbal remedies do more harm than good.

So, to summarise, the Scientologists are trying to turn a human into a plant while the Californians are turning a plant into a human. A Senagalese chimp has hired a lawyer because the childrens father won't provide for them, the British Army is looking for a curry chef to make being blown up in the dessert a more attractive carreer choice. A bunch of Malaysian Buddhist monks have put out a contract on a nest of fire ants and a Greek bloke killed his brother because his other brother might die of cancer.

An now the sport and weather: Liverpool have just knocked Cheslea out of the Champions League, "haaahaar, ha ha ah ah, raahaaah" a hearty and deserved palindromic laugh, in your face! Moronio, never mind eh? I hear there are jobs going in the Army, ha!

Bit windy today wasn't it?