Friday, 7 November 2008


iFreedom, iLiberty, iJustice, iAmerica, iWorld

Why i?

Why i man

And no, thats not a question. You don't want principles you want iPrinciples, good things you can talk about but you don't really do. In iWorld, theres someone else to fix everything, leave your gender outside the door, no colours here we're all beige and proud and there's definately No Smoking. There is iSmoking however, that's when you get a avatar who smokes and you email your friends to tell them you're iSmoking in the iOffice and for some unfathomable reason they think it's cool. If i did that my friends would call me an iIdiot, they'd be right.

When did people become so unimaginative and dull? Political Correctness has something to do with it, the rest you can blame on iMac. i've used an apple mac, it's the computer equivalent of an electric car, it has all the appeal of celery flavoured condoms, i imagine. iPod is the same, filthy proprietary protocols. i hate celery. i was given and iPod nano when they were new, i used it for about thirty seconds and gave it away.

You'll never guess who i bumped into in Quick;

JJ: Hey George W, what's up? Hungry?
GB: Haven't you heard? I'm looking for job
JJ: Oh that! it's not yet George W, you're supposed to keep working until January
GB: What?
JJ: Yeh, he has to be sworn in and organise his movers and decoraters yet, there's ages
GB: So I should be at work now?
JJ: Correct, I can give you a lift to the metro
GB: Thank's man, a man needs good friends like you at a time like this
JJ: steady on George, this is strictly business, I'm an advisor it's not the same. Anyway, lets grab a burger I'm hungry

Barack O walks by carrying a bin bag

JJ: Hey Barack, what's up? We're going to have a burger
BO: Tell it to the man dude, I'm outta here, I've quit
JJ: Good for you, where you off to?
BO: Go home, pack my shit and catch the next flight to D.C.
GB: Hey B.O., good job
BO: George W
JJ: Bazza, can you do me favour?
BO: Sure, shoot
JJ: Can you get them to put KFC in Belgium? i'm suffering here man, Hector's Chicken is like iKFC, fucking awful.
BO: I fully sympathise brother. Hey George W, do we own Belgium?
GB: Ermmm...that's in Africa right?
JJ: You idiot, this is Belgium, right here, you're sitting on it
GB: No, no, no, this is Brussels, iKnow
OB: You know jack George W. No sweat JJ, I'll check with old Joey B, he knows about foriegn policy
JJ: Thanks man, I owe you one
GB: I don't know Jack, who's Jack?
JJ: forget it Georgie boy, I'll run you to the metro I've got things to do
GB: What are you doing? I thought we could hang out
JJ: I'm going to Brico to get an electric screwdriver, you have to get to work remember?

But coming back the the original whatsname, sometimes i do get the feeling the world is turning into an iWorld. There are no kids playing in the streets, everyone drives the same car, they look the same anyway. There's no opposition in government anymore, the are no Lefts or Rights it's all middle of the road dull; dull, dull, dull. David Cameron? what's that all about? he looks like a poster boy for Belkin Wireless Routers "solve all your wireless connection problems in one easy to use, maintenance free, future proof, sleek, stylish solution" nothing in IT fits that description, everyone knows that. (Apple Mac??! don't be a twat)

it's like Star Trek Next Generation, just once i would've liked to hear the captain say "can you all just shut the fuck up for five minutes, i'm getting a headache from you idiots, i have to do everything around here and it's pissing me off now!", be human. Even back when Next Generation started i was a big fan but i couldn't help thinking "is this how they see our future?" imagine a bunch of guys and two women in lycra suits drfiting through space for months on end, i know what i would've been doing but those guys didin't even try it on.

in the original Star Trek, old captain Kirk was getting into a fight over a woman almost every week. i can see him know with his bloodied nose and ripped shirt grabbing hold of that scantily clad "alien" woman.

That's the vision of the future i want.



Gorilla Bananas said...

So Beverley Crusher or Deana Troy - whose thighs would you rather get your head between?

zoe said...

iSarah Palin's, ibet.

Joliet Jake said...

the obvious answer is all of the above and I'm afraid that will be my non-committal answer. In this age of spin and iNonsense I don't know what you would do with my real answer.

When I say all of the above I don't mean the gorilla and Zoe, just to be clear (no offense meant)