Sunday, 28 December 2008

Snowball in Gaza

Here's more year-end frolics, but before we start put one of these together:


2 parts Advocaat (egg-nog, yellow egg based liquor)
Dash of lime cordial
Dash of orange cordial
6 parts lemonade (schwepps)
Rocket version – add 1 part vodka (ok 2, you naughty boy)

You can use fresh orange and lime, it'll tast less like a Labour Club ladies special.

Now reapeat that three or six times depending on the vodka level, by the end you should be ready to put the world to rights. Read on.

Festive spirit my arse, here are the crappyiest ten things of 2008, notwithstanding any late entries by Cliff Richard and the like:

1. Men's Lifestyle. Yet again this pointless topic has spawned a hundred magazine titles this year, despite liberal access to real porn on the web, the genre baffles me to the point of irretrievable tedium

2. Banks. Barely a day goes by when we don't hear about people losing their jobs, and not one single bank manager among them, not one investment broker, who or where are all those people who brought the worlds economy down? Why aren't the odious mongrels in prison?

3. Diesel fuel. It's costs just as much as petrol, the engines are noisy and smelly, it pollutes more than petrol. Keep it for trucks and buses please.

4. The Future Proof computer. With the advent of the disposable laptop I think the concept of the future proof forward compatible pc is proven to be an unmitigated pigs arse, complete with curly tail.

5. Johnathon Ross. Well it's about bloody time that outrageous charlatan was exposed for the blaggard that he is. Whenever he does make a re-appearance it will be too soon for me.

6. The person who left a long scratch on the boot of my car; you are an unashamed coward, show yourself and collect the thrashing that is due to you, you scoundrel

7. Global Warming. This summer was actually marginally worse than last years appalling effort, that Kyoto mob are an absolute shower, what a scandalous waste of money.

8. News coverage of Religious affairs. If you want a Christian view on current affairs you ask the Archbishop of Canterbury, an eminent well spoken man. If you want the Muslim view you ask that nutter from Finsbury Park with a Hook for a hand. Who decided this is balanced reporting? It's ridiculous, the man is a self proclaimed terrorist!

9. Gordon Brown. Well it would be remiss not have one mention of the unconscionable dullard. This man makes John Major look like a first rate strip show, thoroughly riveting no doubt. Is he still wearing his de-mob suit? For heaven's sake!

10. Sunday Newspaper Magazines. "What you eat is what you are?" for the fifty millionth time will you just bugger off with your half-arsed pseudo science. I'm not going to cry and I'm bloody proud of it, useless bunch of milksops.

Ring in the new year I say and not a minute to bloody soon either!


Friday, 19 December 2008

Me, me, me, me, me, me, I'm the Presi-debt !!!

Here's a bullet point list of things we're going fix in the world before the year end reports are due, it'll be good PR:

1. Make Finland part of Scandinavia, I'm sick of explaining that
2. Make the Falkand Islands part of Wales, it's a sheep thing
3. change February into Febury and Library into Libry, just do it - for America!
4. Cancel this nonsense "World Series" Baseball and teach them to play Cricket
5. Cancel all American sports and Aussie Rules football, learn to play global sports
6. Re-instate Aussie Rules Football, that last bit was just to stop Americans feeling victimised
7. Make New Zealand into the 7th Australian State, it's almost there anyway, its just paperwork now
8. Fidel Castro - give it up dude! move to Florida already
9. Stop this Champagne vs Sparkling Wine garbage, it's the same product. I want South African Champagne, as a consumer I demand it
10. Give Pakistan back to India. They've had sixty years of freedom it's clear they can't cope
11. fill the Isle of White with Chinese people! yay! The Isle of ChinaWhite
12. put polar bears on the Antarctic, because we need new nature documentaries, yay! polar bears eating penguins
13. Re-instate Chinese monarchy in Honk Kong, yay! King Kong!
14. Send more donkeys to Hong Kong, yay! Donkey Kong!

The problem with having a black president is you can't mock him without thinking "is that racist? will people think I'm racist?", fucking no fun boring talk-a-lot dried up twat president.

Hmmm... see you can't call me a racist, I've earned me a banana.

Doh! I'm not racist dammit! I saved the world not Gordon Brown, why can't he see that?!


Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Uncivil War

Does anyone know why the UN is still fighting Afghanistan? I assume the US had the backing of the UN to go there (knowing full well they didn't, so what the fuck is the UN doing there now?). This war is completely irrelevant in practice but some people feel the need to air these concerns. ie. Me.

I know that we had to oust the Taleban because they killed their people, like all those African countries do every day and New Orleans in a hurricane. The UN doesn't find African "defence" very sexy, or is it the US doesn't give a rat's arse (ass) about Africa. Why do they care about Afghanistan? The biggest change in Afghanistan since the war began is they have regained their position as number one heroin exporter to the world. Why do you think the street prices came down a couple of years ago? Don't tell me you didn't notice. Why would the US government want more drugs in their country? Drugs are evil, governments are there to protect us.

What's Iraq done since the War of Liberation? Operation "Restore Freedom" or "Oil (for) Liberty" was a resounding success because now the streets are besieged with suicide bombers and most of the people live in fear and abject poverty. It's like Swindon without white people. Imagine being the poorer, duller cousin of Bristol, you literally are just one stop away from Wales and marrying your cousin (from Swindon).

Who else can I inslut today? I mean insult. There's no point insulting Australia because they really are at the arse-end of nowhere, it's true. Only New Zealand can dispute that title, yeh yeh Lord of the Rings, what have you done lately? Canada; Why does the only country with more guns than U S of Arse have a teeny tiny murder rate? Because they're all drunk, couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo. Argentina, the Bournemouth of Nazi Germany (or the Florida of Nazi Germany if you is Arse), started a "war" with England over the Falkland Islands. What kind of comedy war was that? It was like an Eskimo trying to hijack a barbecue with a plastic knife. The knife melted when he got too close and the Eskimo was too hot so he took his hood off and gave his face away, bloody idiot.

Yes I said "England", because it's always England when we win, "Britain" when we lose and when the Scots or Welsh win something they become "British". That's how United our Kingdom is, why any of these countries want to be in Europe is a bloody mystery to me.

Ok, either this is going to take all night or I'll have to insult continent by continent. Europe; you know this fabulous old architecture you're always harping on about, fucking knock it down already, it stinks of mildew and piss. Build some straight roads. Asia; get a proper job and stop fucking staring at me, Antartica; stop complaining about how fucking hot it is, can't you do something to help? And those other two continents too, say something funny or fuck off.

Did you know that Venus is the only planet that rotates anti-clockwise? What can our planet do? Nothing, it's just endless bitching and whining about ozone, greenhouse gas, fossil fuel and fucking Dolphins in tuna nets. Fuck 'em, shoot the Dolphins. I want to see some anti-clockwise turns and while you're at it time should flow backwards at least once a week.

There, I've insulted the entire planet and now I'm going to play in the garden.

You do know what this is about don't you? That Bagpuss bloke died, Oliver Postgate, he did the clangers too. I wanted to be the Soup Dragon, or Professor Yattle. Bum. I've still got Chorlton the Ravenous Vampire though, that's quite fun with all the minions collecting blood for the fighting....yeeeh, love childrens programs.


Tuesday, 9 December 2008


What the hell is “mersion” ? the opposite of immersion? They shouldn’t be allowed to have the “im” word if the other part isn’t a word to begin with. Inflammable means the same as flammable, what the hell is the point of that extra word then? We might as well speak French. Why isn’t there an “unflammable” it makes perfect sense.

As you might have guessed, today’s theme is Hell. Hell hasn’t quite frozen ever yet but Brussels almost has and that’s near enough for me. Hang on, I’ll get me tights and quill I can feel a spirit within:

Yes its snowing like bloody hell here,
Getting in my hair and eyes,
Hellish eyes red with rage and torment,
Quivering like two ripe tomatoes on a Queensland beach.

A diabolically possessed beach
With jellyfish the size of a man!
Baking on the salty silicon compounds!!
Casting evil aspersions towards Tasmania

Ahhh Tasmania, the home of The Devil
Hell itself, off the coast of Victoria,
In all her dark splendour,
Still mourning Albert after all these years.

All these years, they’ve gone away,
And taken those things that get better with time,
Have they? Will they? Or are we just delicate jellyfish,
Burning on the paradise of Queensland beaches.

Yes I like a good Christmas poem, the snow put me in the mood for it. When it’s snowing people want to hear about beaches and warm things, so throw in a bit of retrospection and melancholy and “Bob’s your uncle”, you’ve got yourself a recipe for a commercialised version of a two thousand year old festival stolen from pagans. That’s what my work was trying to encapsulate.

By “work” I mean that poem. It’s not only dead people’s poems that are called their “work” or “works”, mine is work too. It was hard work writing it and I’m sure it’s going to be bloody hard work reading it.

But that’s enough lunch, back to work.


Sunday, 7 December 2008

Oh My God! The Cat!

I know that we're supposed to cut down on salt to reduce our blood pressure, prevent heart attacks and/or hypertension, whatever that is, so I bought some "Lo Salt". At first I didn't want it because I figured it's just Salt with less Salt in it, I'm paying more for less. That's like buying a six pack of beer with only five cans in it, why would I do that?

Then I looked closer, it's the same amount, only the sodium is reduced. That should be impossible, salt is half and half of sodium and chlorine. Sodium is what makes street lamps glow and chlorine is used to neutralise pee in swimming pools - yum, tasty!

So how do they reduce Sodium? I'll tell you, they've replaced 66% of the Sodium Chloride with Potassium Chloride. That's what fertiliser is made of. In essence I'm putting some "synthetic shit" and vinegar on my chips.

AND, here's another use of Potassium Chloride; to induce a heart attack. Yes that's right, it's number three of the three injections used to carry out the Death Penalty in certain Unliterate States of Arse. This is what I'm using in my health kick to avoid heart problems, fucking maaarvellous!

You can check the labelling in your local supermarket, all of the above is true. (The lethal injections are in the Personnel Hygiene aisle, fourth left after the free range carrots or whatever the fuck is in Produce Offers this week). But really, it's all true.

Why? Why oh why are these huge faceless corporations poisoning us? You may be aware that during the first and second world wars cigarettes were advertised as being "just the ticket after a long day in the trenches", soldiers were given cigarettes as part of their daily food ration. Can you imagine the government handing out free cigarettes? I don't see why not actually, the bastards haven't stopped short on any other money making rip-off for their own ends. Back then it was cigarettes, today it's Death Penalty Chemicals in your salt.

In about twenty years time people are going to be dying of "Death Penalty Heart Attack" and then we'll start buying Potassium Free Salt, which will of course be a little more expensive. Maybe they'll put Arsenic Chloride in it, that sounds harmless enough. There's only one way out of this vicious salt circle really, stop using salt. Consumerism Flag; there's enough salt in food without adding more at the table, it's just more shit that we're hooked on but we don't need.

All this talk about death and poison, I'm hungry now, where's my hunting baguette? I'll wait here by the Cat Flap, "here pussy pussy, open the flap"

Why does it always end with me trying to ensnare some pussy with a piece of stale bread?

I have to move back closer to the city, or hire a stripper for sunday evenings in, goodnight.


Friday, 5 December 2008


some moons ago I wrote this post

Well I didn't actually write it, it's the words of a Motorhead song I just posted it one day because I thought "I really like this, other people should know about it".

The song was wrote about thirty years ago and last played live about twenty seven years ago. Until now. I was at the AB on larst week where MH happened to be playing gig and they only went and played the song! I was absolutley gobsmacked, astounded, knocked sideways and bowled over.

Unbelievable! One lives for days like this, doesn't one?

And I'll tell you what else, two days later and I still had a sore throat and I reckon a million people must have asked me "have you got a cold?"

"No! I've got a sore throat from shouting my bollocks off at the Motorhead gig", "Motorhead? Jesus", "Jesus?, Lemmy", "what?", "what?", "what did you say?", "I said What", "No, I said what did you say"

On days like this I usually like to take the afternoon off and go on a business reporting presentation by some consultant types, fortunately I had just the thing booked already months ago. At the super Crowne Plaza at pl Rogier

"KPI?", "no thanks I had a late lunch", "what?", "what?", "what?", "eh?", "I'm a bit deaf from the .... oh never mind make mine a large one", "What?", "S H U T U P" (that's two words, the html parser is supposed to ignore whitespace, I could put it back with & codes but it think you geddit now)

Init maarvellous eh?


Saturday, 29 November 2008

Look Out!

Do you know what's it's like to drive a car with no brakes and no steering which tailspins into a skid when you try to speed up? I do, it's like driving my car in the snow. That's why cars don't have rear wheel drive anymore - except mine, and BMW's. Don't tell me about traction control, I've got it, it's useless. You can't replace front wheel drive with some fancy pants electronic gadget, that might work for sex but it's not the same. I was having to go really slowly and feel my way through, it would've been quicker to walk.

When Mandela was released from prison, I remember watching him walk out, I was in a bed "getting a hand" from the owner of the bed. When George W fiddled the 2000 election, I was on honeymoon in Florida. Jimi Hendrix died on my fourth birthday and now I'm having drumming lessons from the drummer of Arsenal organised by Anthony Hopkin's cousin.

Yes, I am firmly "on the fringe". But I'll tell you some funny thing that really happened to me at work listen lady. I bought a DVD player from a colleague and he left a porn DVD in it. He actually asked me if it was an original! I told him it was a copy so he didn't want it back. Made me wonder how many he must have, I did throw it away eventually.

It seems to me this "fringe" thing is much bigger than the thing it's supposed to be a fringe of, that's not right is it? It's those fucking celebrities who are on the fringe and it's us normal decent people who are in the main bit. "The Body" The Body of what? The human race I suppose. Why isn't there a human high jump?

I was watching the Antiques Show while writing this and fella started reading from an antique Welsh book. The little woman in the corner who does the sign language was screwed, she didn't understand Welsh and couldn't sign it, so she just watched and smiled, as did I.

Ahhh there is a human high jump, literally, in athletics. But the human race is very complicated, you've got some people winning over short distance and different people over long distance. An then there's the oddballs that go around and jump over that little bar, it's hardly even a jump and then they have a little pool that they alway put one foot in. They don't even try to jump the pool and some of them step on the bar. The steeplechase is silly, it's like saying "here's a race with a couple of obstacles but if you can't manage the obstacles it doesn't matter just step on them". Why don't they let everyone finish and then put the names in a hat and pull out the medal winners, they could get dressed before the results are announced. Imagine the guy jumping up and down in an Armani suit shouting "I won, I won!!", or the woman crying through the national anthem while the commentator adds "I was almost in tears myself when I saw that hat, it's a fine hat but not with that handbags shoes love, sort your self out for pete's sake". Sounds like golf commentary.

They should do that for all athletics then there would be no point in using drugs. In fact there would be no point competing at all. We should make the Olympics into a facebook game, the more friends you invite, the more medals you win. Obviously the Chinese would win everything so no change there but the Indians would win a lot more. It must be pretty mystifying for India to only get one medal from 1.1 billion people. Maybe distributing illegal copies of cd's and software should be an Olympic event, or Cricket. I'm not sure I would want Cricket to be in the Olypmics, that would devalue it. Devalue cricket I mean, they might tamper with their balls every now and then but at least they're not all stoned. Yes, pirate music and software fits more with the modern Olympic ideals than Cricket.

They should make drug dealing an Olympic event, because we all know that the top drug dealers don't use drugs themselves, they're too smart for that. That could be the only way to get at least one clean event. You could get the dealers to smuggle the torch to the next venue, that could be an event too. While were at it why don't we decriminalise crime altogether? So, Armed Robbery would get you a Gold Medal but parking on a disabled spot only gets a Bronze. This would bring the crime figures down and ease the load on overcrowded prisons.

Britain would get all the medals for car crime, they have the most cars stolen every year. At the same time, British cars also have the best security in the world, that makes no sense at all but it's true. The British are very determined to steal each others cars and they're very good at it, the best in the world. Of course, having decriminalised crime we'd have to find something for the police to do, we could put four of them in a band but that still leaves thousands more.

We could get them to do Sports Days for our amusement. Like we used to do at school; Egg and Spoon Race, Three Legged Race, Sack Race and the one where one carries another one piggy-back and they try to knock each other off. I would pay to watch that. It would liven up the community too, better than all that standing around flexing the knees and "evenin' all", "now then, what to we have 'ere?", "half past six, are you a burglar?", "put your clothes on love, you're nicked". That last one was from The Sweeney.

There's a blast from the archives, but that's all from me, sorry shorty.


Monday, 24 November 2008

The Dragon's Toilet

I don't like those dry Dragon's Den people on BBC2, I don't like them one bit. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't invest in my ideas either, they're not my kind of people. So I'm going to put my business ideas here:

Alchoholic Counsellors. Things getting you down? Can't sleep, can't handle your crappy relationship. Fuck therapy, meet one of our guys, get smashed and forget everything. I started this business a long time ago but everytime there were problems I put myself in Alchoholic Counselling and so I got nothing done for fifteen years.

Cannabis Counsellors. It like Alchoholic Counsellors but for the unemployed / unemployable or anyone else who doesn't really have to get of bed.

Gambling Insurance. Wouldn't it be great if you could buy a policy to cover your gambling debts? Well you can but it will first require an act of parliament to make Gambling Insurance mandatory for everyone who has access to gambling facilities (that's everyone), then it just turns into a huge money carousel with the Insurance company skimming a few percent and getting filthy rich. Just like motor insurance, or any form of banking.

Transplant Carousel. This requires two closely related people, twins are best and a "house" doctor. You can take out and sell three kidneys between the two people and pocket pure profit, the people would then take turns "having the remaining kidney". One stays on a dialysis machine for a few weeks while the other one lives it up with his share of the cash, then they swap. You can do this with many organs, eyes, hands etc. Obviously the doctor is working in the health service so you get all the equipment you need but you'll have to pay him off. Eventually it'll be like buying timeshare's in bodies, you could sell all of your own parts except your brain and keep moving from body to body. You could be the woman next door one month and then you could be her lesbian lover the following month. Obviously once this takes off the holiday business will take a nose dive so you'll want to sell those Jihad Group Adventures shares.

Surrogate Tarot. It's a deck of tarot cards that doesn't tell your future, it tells you someone else's future. What use is that? Make a list of the women (or men) you would like to have a go at if they were available, and Surrogate Tarot will tell you if and when they will become available. You get first dibs on all the action. If you get bored of that you can play tricks on your neighbours like ring their front doorbell when they're in the shower.

Endless Water Supply. Instead of buying bottles of water every week and lugging it into your house, USE THE TAP IN THE KITCHEN! Isn't that what we were all brought up on? What happened, did they start putting arsenic in the tap water? Ok this is not really a business idea, it's just something I think about. Especially when it's raining. Rain makes me go to the toilet more and I'm scared of eating fish because there might be a bone it and I'll choke to death. When I do eat fish it's the same rush as some people get from bungee jumping or jumping off a skyscraper with a parachute. When I'm eating it I get really scared and want to stop but at the end I always say "let's do it again!", that's also how I equate sex to eating cheap fillet.

Here's a couple of quick ones that need development yet. The Norman Bates Shower Curtain with patented easy-clean system. And the Deep Dry Cleaning Home Kit "for when those things just have to pass a forensic test and quickly", eliminates DNA traces.

That's all there is for now, the important lesson to learn about running your own business is you should try to get millions of people depending on you, so if you screw up the government will bale you out. A government bale out is one of the best networking opportunities you'll get and networking is a great way to avoid actual work.

In the meantime I've told my loving employer I'm going to reduce my output to match my salary, he thought I was joking.


Friday, 21 November 2008


Jesus came to visit me yesterday. Actually he didn't want to see me, he just wanted to see my appartment. The thing of it is I'm moving, I'm going to live in a big house with a woman.

Anyway, Jesus seemed like a happy chap, laughing and joking, he brought his girlfriend, Elisabeth. She seemed nice too. They were both very laughing and jokey types, a bit annoying actually. I can see why they nailed him to a cross last time, annoying fucker, no one can be that happy all the time, it just gets on your tits. He thought the flat would be rented out furnished, I was flattered but I had to disappoint him. Elisabeth asked if he could buy some of the furniture, I was even more flattered, it's not often women offer me money for furniture.

That was all true, a fella called Jesus really did come around and his girlfriend is called Elisabeth, but now I'm going to make some stuff up for entertainment purposes.

So I said to Jesus "Is your middle name really Harold? Doesn't seem very Jewish", he said "No it's not and anyway what kind of a dumbass name is Joliet Jake?" I said "It's from the Blues Brothers you muppet, as in Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues"

JC: Muppet? You can't call me a muppet, I am impotent
JJ: I think you mean omnipotent
JC: I don't like you
JJ: What are you going to do? Tell your dad?
JC: What if I do? You won't be laughing then
JJ: Is it true you were shagging Mary Magdelene the hooker
JC: She was not a hooker! She was a decent girl and she was my disciple
Elisabeth: You were with a hooker?!
JC: She was not a hooker! don't listen to him
JJ: So what Harold, you shagged a hooker, admit it, be a man, "confess"
JC: I didn't shag a hooker! I mean she wasn't a hooker and stop calling me Harold
JJ: I'll stop calling you Harold if you admit Mary was a prozzie and you porked her
JC: You are one annoying motherf*cker has anyone told you that?!
JJ: One or two people have mentioned it Harold
JC: Stop it! :(
JJ: Did you shag her?
JC: Ok, Ok, she was a hooker and I shagged her and she had my baby and James was my twin brother and I am the legitimate King of Isreal descended from David and not the son of a poor carpenter, ok? Happy now
JJ: Yeeeeh I thought as much
Elisabeth: What? You slept with a hooker?
JC: For f*ck's sake woman, didn't you hear what I just said? I'm the legitimate King of Isreal!
Elisabeth: I can't believe you were unfaithful to me
JC: That was two thousand years ago you cloth eared bint!
JJ: Oh, I know that line it's from Fawlty Towers
JC: Yeh, I love that but they're not showing them anymore
JJ: I've got the whole set on DVD, you can watch some if you want
JC: Really? don't you mind?
JJ: No, I had nothing planned and I haven't seen them for ages, I'll put the kettle on
JC: Excellent, have you got any biscuits?
JJ: I've only got Jacob's Cream Crackers :)
JC: Oh very bleedin' funny
Elisabeth: I don't believe this, I find out you've been shagging a tart and now you're just going to watch telly? :/
JJ: Get over it love, you're just making a fool of yourself now
Elisabeth: Are you going to let him talk to me like that? :/
JC: Sorry Bet, you know how I like Fawlty Towers I'm stuck between two stools here
Elisabeth: It's a rock and a hard place, you really are a muppet Harold, I'm going home
JJ: I'll walk you out. If you decide to 'knock it on the head' with JC, pop round, you know where I live now ;)
Elisabeth: You are a scoundrel JJ. When are you moving?
JJ: two weeks
Elisabeth: How about wednesday then?
JJ: Nah, that's badminton night :(
Elisabeth: Thursday?
JJ: I'm starting my drumming lessons on Thursday
Elisabeth: Friday then? is Friday ok? :|
JJ: Yeh alright, see you then :x
Elisabeth: :x

I went back inside and sat down

JC: aren't you forgetting something?
JJ: what?
JC: tea? biscuits?
JJ: Oh, yeh

couple of minutes later

JJ: that's better, we can watch a couple of episodes now
JC: you were hitting on my girlfriend isn't it? :|
JJ: yeh, do you mind? :}
JC: I do actually but I think she'll dump me anyway after you spilled the Mary thing
JJ: Sorry about that, I was just curious after all that Holy Blood and Holy Grail stuff
JC: it's ok, there's plenty more fish in the sea :)
JJ: :D good one, fishing is a biblical thing right?
JC: yeeh, fishing, baking, carpentry, wine-making it's all in there
JJ: how did you feed those five thousand people with five loaves and fish?
JC: easy, you just have to slice it very thin
JJ: so it was just a cheap trick?
JC: well that's a bit harsh, in those days we pulled a lot of stunts, it was what people wanted
JJ: walking on water?
JC: walking on turtles, they were on marijuana to stop them moving too much
JJ: raising the dead?
JC: Lazarus? he wasn't dead, he was a paid actor
JJ: that's pretty mercenary
JC: what was I supposed to do? Pony card tricks might work for Paul Daniels but no one believes he is the son of God do they?
JJ: what about the second coming then? Armageddon and all that? :?
JC: Yeeh, that's what I'm supposed to be doing now but I just haven't got round to it yet, moving house is a stressful do
JJ: when are you going to do it then?
JC: dunno yet, I might not do it, it's hard work organising an Armageddon. Earth is different now, when we said all that stuff in Revelations there were only half a million people on the planet, there are over six billion now, there's too many
JJ: there are too many
JC: what? :o
JJ: it's not "there's too many people" it's "there are too many people"
JC: what-evver! :/
JJ: so what are you going to do then if you don't have Armageddon :|
JC: I've applied for a job in the European Commission
JJ: which DG?
JC: well, fish obviously
JJ: again with the fish? don't you fancy a change?
JC: what else can I do? Transport? Admin?
JJ: why not Admin? anyone can do that
JC: I'll think about it
JJ: Don't you want to go back to Isreal?
JC: Naaah, been there done that
JJ: what about your people? they're waiting for you
JC: they don't need me, they've got Tony Blair now, :D
JJ: yeeh good one, Tony Blair. Have you heard the Jackson Five are getting back together?
JC: Yeeh, what a joke, it was cute when Michael was five years old, they'll just look like a bunch of old freaks now :|
JJ: not a fan then?
JC: nah, Motown isn't really my scene, I'm into Elvis and Sinatra
JJ: How are they?
JC: they're good, they just did a record together, Sinatra plays the Djembe now as well :)
JJ: Jesus, everyone's playing Djembe now. Don't tell me he learned it on holiday in Africa
JC: well, we don't have African holidays in heaven but yes, something like that. Errmm, would you mind not taking my name in vain like that
JJ: Oh sorry, force of habit
JC: You are forgiven
JJ: Jesus you're serious about that shit :\
JC: don't push it :/
JJ: sorry again, I am a heathen after all, or is gentile?
JC: I thinks it's the same, but I don't have to forgive you know, I can still smite you :/
JJ: I don't even know what that means
JC: nor do I actually, but I'm pretty sure dad knows, old people love all that
JJ: I don't talk to my dad since he and mom broke up
JC: I know
JJ: smartarse, you don't know everything :/
JC: test me
JJ: What was on the flipside of the first Lawnmower Death album?
JC: Metal Duck
JJ: oh piss off wiseguy!
JC: I think I will anyway, thanks for the tea and the Fawlty Towers. I should get over to Bet's place and see if she's ok
JJ: say hi from me ;/
JC: you really want to incur some wrath don't you?
JJ: bring it on big boy
JC: Oh shut up, I'm going
JJ: see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
JC: goodbye. (silly twat)
JJ: I heard that! :/

Hmmmm.... I could've asked him the lottery numbers, bugger it! :/


Monday, 17 November 2008


Now that we've discovered some people are no longer able to differentiate thirst from hunger we can say we havea major new syndrome / disorder in the works. This one will excuse fat people from being fat. It's only fair because lazy people can claim SAD in winter (like me, I claim it all year round because I live in Belgium) and people who are just uninterested, disruptive and annoying have all manner of hyper-activity disorders to claim.

We'll call it Thirst Incapacity Topsyturviness, like all good psychobabble the name doesn't actually mean anything – it's a double negative. In the old days "topsyturviness" was a proper medical term, even before "medicine" was a medical term.

Only things with catchy headline-able names are getting anywhere today, like SAD and Credit Crunch. I really object to the term Credit Crunch, that makes it sound like an outside factor, like an earthquake or hurricane. What we should call it is "the banks and governments ripped us off again, bastards".

What I also really object to is the objectifying nature of disorders and syndromes. I've had Trauma Therapy and I'm convinced I'd still be doing it if I just kept turning up every week, but I didn't. I decided the therapist had done a good job and it was time to get on with my life, otherwise I would have become addicted to therapy. You can actually get treatment for being addicted to therapy, obviously.

But the problem now is I have an aversion to syndromes, disorders and phobias. I've turned into one of those people that tells manic depressives to "pull yourself together" or pushes claustrophics into elevators "face your fear, defeat it once and for all".

I'm a Syndrome-ist, or Anti-Disorder-er, I don't what I am but I'm pretty sure I've got Syndromaphobia. I'm completely snookered, it's the nature of the illness that I can't seek help or admit to having it. I deny the existance of all Syndromes, Disorders and Phobias, incluing this one. I shouldn't even be writing this, especially if there's a risk a hypochondriac my read it, then he'd get it and he wouldn't be able to get treatment either. We can't even form a self help group.

Once this get's out it's going to be worse than the obesity epidemic. I narrowly avoied that one.

Jeeese Louise have you seen what's on tv....they're not shy are they?


Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Streeps Ahead

Gwyneth Paltrow is the new Meryl Streep. Well, she will be in about 15 years. I saw Meryl in Mamma Mia, the movie of the musical, it's an entertaining movie, probably one that will re-appear on public holidays and I'll watch it again because "there's nothing else on", it was that good.

But the great thing was seeing actors like Meryl and Julie Walters putting in these really good performances and proving that you don't have to be a thirty-something-boob-job to make non-porn movies as a woman. We already knew that about Meryl, but looking around at the "next crop" I'd say Gwyneth is going the right way about it, she's smart. But then, when the opposition is Jennifer Anniston - you don't need to be brain surgeon. I'd defy anyone to dispute that the ex-cast of Friends have really taken down the batting averages for movie quality.

I'm sure I've seen four or five movies with ex-Friends but I can't remember any of them except the one with Harrison Ford (and Jennifer), because Harrison was in it. Actually, has "Joey" made any films? I know he made a really shit spin-off sit-com.

My life is a bit like a sitcom, this morning I went to the dog track and bet a pony on a muppet, I was telling Shuey about it when he told me Bownsey has a half share in wippet, which is what I should have been betting on, so I asked him who has the other half and he said "Chandler from Friends". then we did a whole bit about the person owning the front half collecting all of the winnings but the other guy owns the dogs bollocks.

Then I quit my job as a ploy to get a raise but my boss accepted my resignation so I ended up begging for my job back at a reduced salary but when he stood up it turned out he was wearing stockings and suspenders so he was sent to the nuthouse and I got a promotion to his job plus the regional manager who gave me the promotion insisted that I have sex with her.

Then I had lunch with the "Fan Man", turns out he got a job installing air conditioning. After that stunt at the super bowl he was inundated with offers from fan related businesses, the funny thing is he knows nothing about fans, his friend Colin Dooley hooked him up with the "Fan Man" fan and now Colin has put a contract out on Fan Man because he thinks he should've had that job.

Obviously I had to say I haven't seen Colin in years, which is true, I haven't seen him since we were hanging around with those Japanese exchange students in Sheffield. That was the summer of '91, wild times.

After lunch I was on my way to the office when I bumped into that guy from the movie with all the aliens that jump up and down and go "yak yak, yak yak yak, yak yak". I said "hey you're the guy from that movie" he said "hey you're the guy from the street". Funny guy, wish I could remember his fucking name. Then I remembered "you're Chandler from Friends", turns out he wasn't in the alien movie at all and he wasn't very funny either, he was quite angry that people see him as an buffoon. Well, he's not helping the situation.

After that encounter I was on a bit of a downer so I went home but I ended up at my old flat which I had moved out of the week before but there was a really hot chick living there who insisted I have sex with her and it slipped out that she was my boss's daughter so I withdrew politely and ran. Then I panicked and told the regional boss I was quitting and she gave me a raise, and a blow job.

x-rated comedy, that's where it's at kids.


Friday, 7 November 2008


iFreedom, iLiberty, iJustice, iAmerica, iWorld

Why i?

Why i man

And no, thats not a question. You don't want principles you want iPrinciples, good things you can talk about but you don't really do. In iWorld, theres someone else to fix everything, leave your gender outside the door, no colours here we're all beige and proud and there's definately No Smoking. There is iSmoking however, that's when you get a avatar who smokes and you email your friends to tell them you're iSmoking in the iOffice and for some unfathomable reason they think it's cool. If i did that my friends would call me an iIdiot, they'd be right.

When did people become so unimaginative and dull? Political Correctness has something to do with it, the rest you can blame on iMac. i've used an apple mac, it's the computer equivalent of an electric car, it has all the appeal of celery flavoured condoms, i imagine. iPod is the same, filthy proprietary protocols. i hate celery. i was given and iPod nano when they were new, i used it for about thirty seconds and gave it away.

You'll never guess who i bumped into in Quick;

JJ: Hey George W, what's up? Hungry?
GB: Haven't you heard? I'm looking for job
JJ: Oh that! it's not yet George W, you're supposed to keep working until January
GB: What?
JJ: Yeh, he has to be sworn in and organise his movers and decoraters yet, there's ages
GB: So I should be at work now?
JJ: Correct, I can give you a lift to the metro
GB: Thank's man, a man needs good friends like you at a time like this
JJ: steady on George, this is strictly business, I'm an advisor it's not the same. Anyway, lets grab a burger I'm hungry

Barack O walks by carrying a bin bag

JJ: Hey Barack, what's up? We're going to have a burger
BO: Tell it to the man dude, I'm outta here, I've quit
JJ: Good for you, where you off to?
BO: Go home, pack my shit and catch the next flight to D.C.
GB: Hey B.O., good job
BO: George W
JJ: Bazza, can you do me favour?
BO: Sure, shoot
JJ: Can you get them to put KFC in Belgium? i'm suffering here man, Hector's Chicken is like iKFC, fucking awful.
BO: I fully sympathise brother. Hey George W, do we own Belgium?
GB: Ermmm...that's in Africa right?
JJ: You idiot, this is Belgium, right here, you're sitting on it
GB: No, no, no, this is Brussels, iKnow
OB: You know jack George W. No sweat JJ, I'll check with old Joey B, he knows about foriegn policy
JJ: Thanks man, I owe you one
GB: I don't know Jack, who's Jack?
JJ: forget it Georgie boy, I'll run you to the metro I've got things to do
GB: What are you doing? I thought we could hang out
JJ: I'm going to Brico to get an electric screwdriver, you have to get to work remember?

But coming back the the original whatsname, sometimes i do get the feeling the world is turning into an iWorld. There are no kids playing in the streets, everyone drives the same car, they look the same anyway. There's no opposition in government anymore, the are no Lefts or Rights it's all middle of the road dull; dull, dull, dull. David Cameron? what's that all about? he looks like a poster boy for Belkin Wireless Routers "solve all your wireless connection problems in one easy to use, maintenance free, future proof, sleek, stylish solution" nothing in IT fits that description, everyone knows that. (Apple Mac??! don't be a twat)

it's like Star Trek Next Generation, just once i would've liked to hear the captain say "can you all just shut the fuck up for five minutes, i'm getting a headache from you idiots, i have to do everything around here and it's pissing me off now!", be human. Even back when Next Generation started i was a big fan but i couldn't help thinking "is this how they see our future?" imagine a bunch of guys and two women in lycra suits drfiting through space for months on end, i know what i would've been doing but those guys didin't even try it on.

in the original Star Trek, old captain Kirk was getting into a fight over a woman almost every week. i can see him know with his bloodied nose and ripped shirt grabbing hold of that scantily clad "alien" woman.

That's the vision of the future i want.


Monday, 3 November 2008

Farts and Gripes

...or, to put it another way; Stars and Stripes, the land of the free, the home of Michael Jackson's monkey. A hundred million people are going to write kisses next to the one they love so that he can be in charge of everything for four years. It's a kind of gang bang St Valentines day.

Whoever wins it's a big responsibility but I'll tell you what, it's not going to be Obama, it's going to be McCain. I'm already having my Repbulican election dinner today, the chips are in the oven and the hot dogs are on the boil.

Here's the break down. Three months ago, Obama was twenty points clear, no one was taking bets any more. Now, having spent 600 million bucks and travelled to every square inch of the country, he's barely 5 points clear. 5 points is nothing in an opinion poll, they have a 3-5% error margin. It looks to me like Obama is hanging on by the skin of his teeth. This is exactly what happened last time out, George W was written off six months before the election, on the day he only needed to fiddle one state to claim the sash.

Sure McCain's going to have to fiddle one or maybe two states, but it won't be Florida this time. He'll win most states though, because of people. This happened in the UK once, the Conservatives at an all time low in popularity were facing defeat in the face so they gave up and put up a complete no-hoper, John Major. To this day even he can't believe he won. The interesting thing was, afterwards no one would admit to voting Conservative. Years later it transpired that Major was having an affair with the salmonella egg woman, ironic that he was in the circus before he joined politics - you could say he never really left.

People voted for a dullard rather than take a gamble on something new. That's Obama's whole campaign in the toilet, "Time for Change" or whatever the hell it is, he should be campaigning on "I promise to do nothing, you're safe with me". Bland faceless politicians are popular in conservative countries. Our politicians could rob us blind, which they regularly do, we would still put them right back up there rather than try to make a real change. (Side Note: The US and UK only have two real parties and they're both the same, there are other candidates but most voters are too scared of change)

Now I know you don't like the sound of this, I don't either, but sometimes grown up's do bad things and they're mean to each other, get over it. If Obama does win then I'll have got it all wrong but that won't stop me. This time next week I'll be predicting some other catastrophe or commenting some other baloney, god knows I'm not shooting for any prizes here.

So, Obama to lose, McCain to win, sure as I'm sitting here with a 1 kilo tub of Haribo liquorice all-sorts and a can of beer.


Monday, 27 October 2008

The Madness of Joliet Jake

Why do people say mad things like "a whale isn't a fish, it's a mammal". Look at it, it's a massive huge fish in the sea, see any giraffes in the sea? no because it's a mammal, stop talking bollocks.

Another classic "a tomato isn't a vegetable, it's a fruit", well take it out of your salad and put it in your cake then. Or better still, shove it up your arse.

Here's a good one "bears are more scared of you than you are of them", that's just horseshit, what the f*ck are you talking about? Have you ever seen a real bear? They're massive with huge teeth and claws.

"the best way to deal with a shark is to punch it on the nose". I think there's a better way, shoot it with a harpoon gun before it gets anywhere near you.

"you shouldn't give money to the homeless they waste it on drugs", that's not a waste actually, they're quiet when they're stoned it's better for everyone.

"A penguin is the only bird that can swim." A penguin isn't a bird, birds have feathers and fly through the air, that's what makes them birds. I know what a bird looks like and that isn't it.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", what kind of garbage is that? I you're standing in a field with a bird in your hand you need to be arrested and/or locked up.

In fact anything at all to do with birds is absolute hogwash, birds are crazy, and so are cats, bats, rats and silly hats.

I'm going back to lunch now, then I'm going to write a report about something, I haven't decided what yet but I've already got a circulation list in mind, it's f*cking huge!


Sunday, 19 October 2008

Me and The Shah

The other day I spent half an hour trawling the internet for pictures of the former Shah of Iran. Apparently, according the corner shop man from Iran and his brother, the former Shah and I share a striking resemblence.

I won't be visiting Isreal any time soon then. However, I couln't find one scrap of evidence to support this anecdotal mayonnaise so I have rejected the comparison. I'm still not going to Isreal though, I'm just less apparently opposed to not going. I mean I wouldn't want my appearance to spark off a disturbance, it wouldn't be the first time.

Actually, now that I think of it, the corner shop man looks like an Iranian Jimmy Greaves, watching him and me talk must be like watching the Iranian Twilight Zone, in colour. (by the way; I'm not Iranian, I just have a habit of staring at people)

It's a shame in a way. Why can't I look like the other one? The one that pronounces fatwahs and jihads, that would be much more fun, better than that Voodoo Golf nonsense anyway.

Still, that's another Sunday afternoon, more tea anyone?


Friday, 17 October 2008

Continuity Announcment

For those who don't pay attention to these things, for shame, I'll point out the new links in my list. I'm quite particular about my list, it's shorter than most and I go to quite a lot of trouble to filter out the riff-raff so I think you should make the effort to look at these:

Publog - great for expats, it's just like being in a pub in the old country

Belgian Waffle - quite entertainingly funny, if nothing else you have to read this post about vegetables.

Strawberries Champagne - this is very nicely done, just have look for pete's sake thats all I'm asking

Errr, yeh, that's it.


Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Environment Mental

Here's how it's going to be, so get wise and listen to that voice in your head (it's you reading my blog). All these people driving about in their gas guzzling cars with three or four empty seats are going become pariahs. I don't mean the little fish with really sharp teeth. It's going the same way as smoking, being on your own in a car will become an anti-social thing, ie. only Belgians will want to do it. Cars will no longer be owned by individuals at all, they will be owned by groups.

The cars will drive themselves with speaking GPS gadgets, they'll pick up and drop off people and then park themselves somewhere out of the way. And the speaking gps will say things like "how was your day? I've had a fucking nightmare, the traffic on the outer ring was a right bastard and then I couldn't find a parking spot for love nor money".

In the future we will be able to have a nice walk in the park and not be harrased by ducks begging for bread and threatening us with tasers. We had a lovely duck breast dinner recently with some freinds, I laughed myself to sleep afterwards, "not so tough when you're under the grill eh donald? Ha hahaaa".

The cats have been playing on my car, they've left muddy footprints all over it. Well take note little feline Salman Rushdies, I've got a brand new Driver (it's a golf club) and I'm just waiting for the chance to use it. Is it just me or does anyone else think Salman Rushdie looks like he's been whacked in the face with a driver.

It's rather convenient isn't it that cats don't have finger prints, I'd have caught them by now. Do any animals have fingerprints? Dogs have nose prints, they should be made to carry ID cards if they don't have prints, that's Gordon Brown logic. ID Cards to fight terrorism, ID cards will stop the cats playing on my car.

Imagine if fish had fingerprints they would be fishfingerprints, it's rare we get the opportunity to stick words together like that in English. The Germans are fluent at it, the downside is of course that they have a very tiny vocabulary and small dictionaries. Saucepan is another one, was this really invented just to make Sauce? Was there a time in English history when people needed so much sauce that someone invented this pan especially and marketed it as mass consumer product? Imagine doing that now, invent a friedchickenpan and see how many people buy it. Actually people probably would buy it, they buy any old rubbish these days.

I get really annoyed when I'm a watching a cookery program and they have some top chef saying things like "this is such a good cut of meat all we need to do is simply pan fry it lightly and let the flavours come out on their own". I'm not watching your program to see you put a piece of chicken in a frying pan, I can already do that. Do something creative, teach me something and stop being a pretentious tosser. Imagine if I went to the executive board and said "the new corporate website is on Facebook, it's beauty is it's simplicity". They'd hand me my dick on a plate. Lightly pan fried probably, they have a very dry sense of humour.

Yep, the environment is here to stay. Unless we can pull out the whole thing and put in a new one (see New Scientist in August). If that happens, the new version should have less oxygen in the middle eastern area, calm them down a bit. And we could swap modern Texas with South Africa from the seventies just to see if anyone notices.

I have nothing against South Africans, it's comforting to know that if I ever need a drunken bigot with army training I know exactly where to find one. Same applies to Texas and any country with military service. Imagine how many Mexicans would be living in Texas if there was no oil there. I'll tell you what, there would'nt be any Mexicans living in Mexico that's for sure.



Friday, 10 October 2008


According to Stephen Hawking's anthropomorphic principle the answer to the question "why are we here?" is "because we are here". As far as I understand it, he is saying that having evolved to the point we are at now, we are now able to ask such complex questions as "why are we here?". See? It's because we are here.

It seems to make sense but it's not very exciting is it? I was hoping for some alien beings to drop by and say "yeeeh, years ago we fired out samples of DNA to different planets in the hope that one would support life so that we could move there when our place becomes uninhabitable. By the way, your tv programs are shit".

Can you imagine aliens, light years away, looking for signs of life saying "fecking East Enders again? Keep looking". That's why aliens don't visit us, they get the tv programs and they're not impressed. I mean there needs to be some compelling reason to cover that amount of distance. Imagine aliens watching Lesbian Hour on Playboy TV, "That's not going to work. It doesn't work like that. They'll go extinct unless we say something about this, they're doing it wrong. It's no use putting your tongue in there you idiot, that's just stupid".

Aliens are lazy, they've got so much technology they just can't be arsed to go anywhere. If I had a spare day to spare I could very easily fill it with guitar playing, game playing, internet surfing, writing this and other stuff. I don't have to leave the house at all. Imagine what it's like for aliens, they have tons more stuff than we do. For aliens to come here is like me going to Charleroi to see what's going on there, I haven't been yet and I've no plans to do so. Besides, I live in Brussels, why should I visit planet Earth at all?

Anyway, how annoying is that for old Stephen Hawking, all that effort to come up with such a simple and elegant answer to one of the biggest questions of all time and the most common response is "so, do you think we'll make contact with aliens?", the answer should be "it's possible but you won't be the one to do it, considering that you can't even see past the end of your fecking nose you tit!", that would sound really cool with his robot voice. I blame society, no one wants to talk anymore, I spend half my day wandering round the office telling people "send me an email, I can't talk now I have to go to a meeting". Ok it's not society, it's me, I'll take the blame for everything ever, happy now?

Yes it's my fault Aliens don't visit and the Second Coming of Christ didn't happen, it's because I refuse to be a slave to email. I switched off the annoying noises and pop-up warnings, I read mail when I'm ready. Sometimes that means I'll get a message like "Second Coming this afternoon, sorry it's short notice but it's the only window for another 2,000 years, await your confirmation, best regards etc." dated the day before yesterday. Feck! We've missed the Second Coming because I didn't read my email! How I'm I going to explain this? Forget it, I'll just delete it and pretend I didn't get it. So what? I was probably going to burn in hell anyway, they can just add this to the list and it's not like I did it on purpose. What about forgiveness eh?

Oh what's the use, butter me up Scotty!


Wednesday, 8 October 2008

St Valentines Day Massace

Valentines day is in February, I don't know which date exactly but the BBC in their infinite wisdom have published this in October. For fear of appearing a nitwit by not understanding this logic, I have simply copied their idea and passed the dilemma on to you. Yes, specifically you, I knew you were going to read this because I have a brainwave scanner I nicked from the CIA, the only way you can stop me reading your thoughts is to cover you head in mayonnaise and baking foil.

BBC News 05 October 2008

Here's my happy marriage secret: avoid romance
By Jemima Lewis

"The good folk at Onepoll, an internet research company, has surveyed 4,000 self-proclaimed "happy couples" in order to unearth the secrets of wedded bliss.

To maintain marital harmony you will need: three romantic gestures a month, two romantic walks, two romantic gifts, three home-cooked romantic meals, one breakfast in bed, two dinner dates, seven cosy nights in, one night apart, one trip to the pub, one to the cinema and six "proper conversations".

You should also clean the entire house three times a month without being asked, and take two holidays a year, plus two short breaks and you should cuddle each other three times a day."

Speaking as a Brit (which I have the option of doing from time to time) I believe the survey company area a shower of buffoons. Although, I can imagine such a formula would work in Switzerland, Austria and another country I can't name for health reasons (it's begins with "G" and German people live there). Perhaps Finland too, maybe southern England and Wales, China, Pakistan, in fact most of the Muslim world (you have to multiply the recipe depending on how many wives you have, or divide it equally, it's up to you). Also, Russia and Baltic States.

Ok, everywhere but Northern England, India, Latin America and the New World (ex Canada).

Curious that we celebrate Halloween night with gusto (my Spanish neighbour) but live in dread of St. Valentines day, shouldn't it be the other way round? The expectation level has long been built up into something mere mortals simply cannot live up to. The solution is to build a level of romance throughout the year that leaves St. Valentines day as an unnecessary but pleasant distraction at best. And the chances of that happening are bugger all or next to bugger all for most people. What then? How do we avoid this annual massacre?

Some have taken an alternate extreme, carefully construct a relationship from day one devoid of all romantic gestures. Never buy flowers or chocolates, not even apology flowers or sorry chocolates. There is the risk of being dumped but either way, you're living in fear and that's the key to a long lasting relationship.

The solution of course, is to cancel St Valentines day, bear with me on this, let me finish. While we're at it we'll cancel all of these old fashioned "theme" holidays, Christmas, Easter, Ascension (I never quite know what I'm supposed to do on Ascension Day so I tend to just wander around in a daze), Armistice, Independence Day and so on. Instead we'll have a neutral public holiday on the first Monday of every month. Then you can decide what you want to do for yourself, have a roast turkey lunch, stuff your partner with chocolates or just wander around in a daze (it's not that funny, civil servants are paid to that, it's a serious career choice for people with limited skills). Also, four of the public holidays will be Car Free Days so you can wander about the streets on your rollerblades and fall over a lot.

As for all that cleaning the house without being asked, what if you have a cleaner who does that anyway? Bit pointless isn't it Jemima? I asked Girlfriend if she would like breakfast in bed once she "no, that's disgusting" and she'll go a pub once in a blue moon, if I made her go every month it would be curtains for me. Three home cooked romantic meals? You're asking me to cut down? Not helping. What exactly constitutes a "proper conversation" then? For her to fully express herself she'll have to speak German and I'd be speaking a mixture of Punjabi and English, that's a ridiculous idea, I ridicule that idea with "my spanish neighbour". I'm going to pour some scorn on that idea too and cover it with baking foil, just for good measure.

"self proclaimed happy couples" are full of crap, not one decent idea between 8,000 people, bloody useless, clear off the lot of you! Go on bugger off!

I'm sure they were doing these surveys ten years ago, I guess they'll still be doing them in ten years time, what's wrong with people? Can't you tell when your partner is horny? Look for the signs; dilated pupils, increased pulse rate, heavy breathing, knickers around ankles, yelping noises, is that so hard?

Ok that's me done, can you finish on your own? I've got an early start, thanks, goodnight.


Friday, 3 October 2008

Country File

Now that Russia have re-joined the war-mongering bastards business many countries will be able to sigh a huge sigh of relief. The US will be distracted from their current monoply on the attacking smaller countries business and there will be more competition in the arms trade so really poor countries can get cheap weapons more easily.

Nickerless Sarkozy has backed his prime minister's suggestion to teach English to the great unwashed and it's about bloody time. They should start with all the good words like "shit, bollocks, piss" etc. get it out of the way so the students can concentrate. They'll need those words anyway if they're going to continue this mediation between Russia and America. That was a smart move by Stumpy, that gig will keep him firmly in the limelight.

Meanwhile the Georgian boss admittted he screwed up by trying to trick the world into ganging up on Russia, and Russia rightly whipped his ass. The Pakistan bosses are in completely over their heads, the army is running around like a bunch of Americans and the people are facing massive inflation. Once they get used to equating inflation with democracy they'll be happy to welcome the next military coup which is, you heard it here first, predicted for the third quarter of 2009.

Third quarter 2008 results from America are a disgrace, it seems the entire economy is built on the principle that if you lend money to people who can't afford to pay it back you can hit them with penalties continously, keep them in debt and get rich yourself. Incredibly, the British government are saying they will do something about the uncontrolled greed of the banks and we can trust them to take care of it, do they still believe our only source of news is their press releases? From here Gordon Bennett looks more and more like a starving poodle. Correction, that should be "Brown" and "Lap Dog".

Turkey is still optimistic of joining the EU, they sent their application in 1987. While they've been waiting a whole raft of Soviet Union countries have made the leap. I wonder what the problem is with Turkey, maybe they didn't fill in the forms properly, forms can be tricky like that. One time I was going to Australia I put the Date where I should have put Date of Birth, only the date had moved on one while we were in the air. The customs guy jumped on the chance; "were you really born yesterday?", he loved it, Australians are funny but that bloke was a fuckwit, I gifted him that opportunity. I bet something like that happened to Turkey's application to join the EU. Or maybe they didn't enclose two photo's for ID.

Northern Ireland have announced plans to abolish prescription charges, a measure that some less popular leaders could learn from - give them free drugs, yay. Irish banks have declared 100% guarantees for savers, in a move to stave off the global credit munchies. English banks replied "so, where they have branches in England it would make sense for the savers to move all the money to Irish banks. We're screwed, thanks Irish Government you bunch of bastards"

Uganda has re-declared independence, apparently there was a clerical error, technically it was still a British colony because someone forgot to send the pink copy back to sales ledger. The Queen could have had tons of free holidays there but it's too late now. A spokesman for the royal family said "Bugger!". Australian news reported an increase in the Queens expenses leading to speculation (by me) that Aussies will have another referendum and depose her majesty in the third quarter of 2009, if this credit gets any crunchier.

In the meantime India has reached an agreement in principle with France to buy nuclear reactor technology leading to the conclusion that building nuclear reactors for civil purposes is not a pre-requisite for making weapons. India has had nuclear weapons for some time. Now, will the Americans say to Iran and North Korea "you can build all the reactors you want because if you haven't got nuclear weapons already this won't help you"? No, that's not how international diplomacy works. They way international diplomacy works is like this "write me a list of every country that's got oil or a Chinese border and then wake up the army, oh and get someone to handle the PR", "I know there's a credit crunch, that's because we've lent money to everyone, there's no one left so we have to shake it all up and start again otherwise people will start saving instead of borrowing and then we can't get richer. Don't worry about the banks, the top people already have more than enough money to retire on, they'll ride this out comfortably. The poor people will lose their jobs but they're already poor so they don't really mind.". This is why Jesus turned over the money lenders tables. Banks are moneylenders, see?

Bangladesh claimed the record for the most flooded country in the world, the bosses were reported to have said "we don't even watch CNN anymore, it's fucking depressing. You like this suit? I got it from Armani shop, it's Italian". The tourism board of Port Stanley (Falkland Islands) reported a 150% increase in the first half of 2008 compared to 2007, they had ten visitors in all. A spokesman for the privy council said "we would have had more but Sheryl couldn't come because her sister's cat died". A spokescat for the cat council said "I don't believe you people, I've been waiting for years for someone to ask my opinion on global issues and you come to me with this? Fuck Sheryl, fuck Sheryl's sister and fuck Sheryl's sister's fucking cat! Now take your things and get the hell out of my house, dumb jackass motherfucker".

That's an angry cat.

Well, that concludes the international news this week, there's no sports or weather and there won't be any weather tomorrow either. Goodnight


Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Human Beans

I'd given up blogging when I turned forty but that was the week before last and when I came home today I noticed a smell of Pot Noodle in the elevator and I thought "I could've wrote that on my blog", it was unusual because I don't normally take the elevator. I didn't really give up, I just let the last one ride because it was soooo long I thought some people might need more time to read it. Anyway, Human Beans:

How many Humans does it take to make a Bean? We all know that Beans are good but they're quite small, humans on the other hand are quite big but they're really not good at all. There probably isn't one species of plant or animal in existence that hasn't been killed and/or eaten by a Human. That includes about 80 million species of insects you've never heard of but I know that Chinese people are roasting those things on skewers for fast food. You can get a medium happy meal for two roast scorpion brochette in downtown Shanghai.

So, how many good people are there to make beans? Let's say out of all of us there's at least some vegetarians in India, and a handful of pacifists in Tibet (let's pretend Tibet still exists as a country, for Hollywood's sake) out of a combined population of a billion and something I reckon that leaves 750 million good guys. MacDonalds in Delhi doesn't sell beef but it still sells chicken and fish so who's eating that? There are not 1.1 billion vegetarians in India, some of them are lying and some are Muslim so they eat Halal meat. Ever tried to catch a Halal? It's as fast as a hairless cat covered in love jelly. It's no wonder the Muslims are so pissed off all the time and really hate vegetarian Indians and pork eating Americans.

Ok, a bean is is mostly protien and carbohydrate but the Human is 60% water so that leaves 300M humans, if you strip out the bone that leaves about 200M. At this stage we have to concede that hair, eyes, finger nails, anus, penis, clitoris, labia, testicles, nipples, brains and intestines (plus contents) are mostly protein and fat so we'll keep those because if we were making a burger we'd apply the same logic. So you take 300M dehydrated Indians, including a few Chinese, and you boil them until soft, fry them over a medium heat, mash them up, add seasoning and fry again. There you have it, (Refried) Human Beans.

Now all you have to do is reduce the entire animal kingdom to a huge kebab, which isn't really a stretch because who know's what that elephant-leg-on-a-rotating-skewer is made of anyway? Just put a couple of hundred of those together then get a statium of cats to spew up some guacamole and serve.

Tex Mex? Oh dear, someone's bean at the ZZ Top records again.

You know that brown-yellow liquid in your vomit? That's your DNA. That's how it was discovered, two nerds had a night on the piss. That's when all the best ideas come out.

Next week Sea Food; Sea Cucumber Sandwiches, Crab Nebula Salad and a huge fish finger made of lobster's juicy bits.

Have a good one.


Thursday, 18 September 2008

It's "Eighteen Nine" again

What a day, I've waited forty years for this. See if you can tell which bits are real.

Why is it that head voices only ever tell men to mutilate prostitutes, doesn't it stand to reason that if a group of people had head voices some of them might be nasty but others would be sickly sweet and most would be just dull? Imagine if you had a voice in your head saying things like "take your coat off or you won't feel the benefit when you go out". What do womens head voices talk about? (no comments please, I don't really want to know what goes on in there)

Oh, there is that woman's voice that keeps telling me "you can never have enough handbags". No wait, that's a real woman, they get mixed up sometimes. Women do.

I was in a meeting about cutting quality to increase dividends for shareholders when someone said "what are you smiling about?", I replied "I was imagining you in a purple velvet dress being shagged in the botty by a walrus". I had started the day by racing to work so that I could take a dump in company time and get paid for it, then I deleted everything in my inbox and spent a couple of hours sorting my holiday pictures again. Then it was lunch time and after that I had a meeting with someone I'd never met about how his business is going to make my business better. Halfway through the meeting I said "stop pissing around monkey chops, tell me what you've got, free tickets to the grand prix? Put your bollocks on the table sonny Jim, let's talk turkey, I'm in the mood for a rumble and I'm not talking about the day after a bad curry, spill it!" we laughed but the tears were real.

After that I had a one hour coffee break and spent the rest of the day on the golf course. I wasn't playing golf, I just ran around and jumped up and down cursing the ground and the sky alternately. That's how normal people play golf, only Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball the length of Britain, the rest of us take the train or send postcards. So, I took a twelve bore and stared the greenkeeper down the barrel, "haircut or shave?" I enquired, he replied "I'll be on my way sir, I don't want any trouble", I insisted "hare-cut or shave?" suddenly I was lying with my fat backside in a cow pat while the wretch sloped off with my gun. I took a mental note to avenge this day, and to avoid country people who know about animals and guns. Country people are scarey, if this had really happened I would've just thrown the gun at him and run like buggery.

It's monstrously insane to think that every world war begins with Germany invading Poland. Frankly I'd invite them to invade Belgium but isn't it much more of a world war if India has a face off with Pakistan? There are more people involved and the consequences will be much much worse. While you're at it, if a Hollywood film is a huge hit it still only gets as much viewers as a Bollywood Monday matinee. To say that the Oscars represent the pinnacle of movie success is heinous jibberish, their movies only reach a small portion of the global movie watching public.

Eventually I wandered home and there was a message on the door which read "Please call me when you get this message" so I knocked on the neighbours door and asked her "did he call you when he got in?" she said "he isn't in yet" so I said "firstly you have to put the fucking note on your door not mine and secondly why the fuck do you want him call you when he's here? You can talk to him when he's here. Look, this is a post it, you need to send him a text message, I'm not fucking telling you again". It's a bloody nightmare living next to a stoner, a couple of months ago I caught her with a paint brush, she'd written "Rage Against the Machine" on my car. I said "that's water based paint isn't it? I can piss on it or wait for rain, either way it doesn't last long in Brussels. Apart from that, I know where you live, tit-head" she ended up cooking me a bowl of cornflakes and apologising profusely for invading my space. In return I nicked her stash. Obviously, well you have to be pretty dumb to get off your tits and ask a stranger into your house, especially if it's that wierdo from next door. So I thought she deserved it.

I smoked the stash and set off downtown to "get some action", ever seen a thirty nine year old man get stoned and go looking for action? You don't want to see it, first I got thrown off the tram "you ain't goin' throw up on my tram, fuck off", I wasn't going make a pizza there and then but I was judged by my red eyes and friendly demeanour. I didn't know where I was, having been thrown off, but I thought I recognised the corner bar from that time my friend's sister kerbed her car and burst a tyre. Needless to say it wasn't that corner bar and I found myself in a Belgian Deliverance situation.

As I walked into the bar the guy in the deerstalker was rear-ending a walrus while his friend celebrated with home made whiskey so I just took a stool by the bar and ordered a lemonade. This was the kind of bar where they water down the lemonade with gin so I fell off the stool and stood up really fast pretending nothing had happened and sauntered over to the pool table. Deerstalker said "nearly done, put your fifty cents on the side of the table", I said "you're not supposed to do that on the pool table", "pool table? son of bitch he's right! are you from the city?". We hit it off really well after that, turned out that deerstalker was a compulsive porn downloader too, the thought of having actual sex with a real woman triggered seizures in him so I took great joy in banging the barmaid over the head with a sock full of mayonnaise. She was asking for it, why else was she dressed only in cling film? And she gave me a free shot afterwards.

It was lively for a monday, there were almost six people in, one was just lying in the entrance waving his left hand in a gesture of defeat. Maybe he wanted a stretcher it was hard to tell, I thought it best to pretend not to notice. There were five people on our side of the bar but there were eight on the other side, and that side of the bar had mirrors and poles and the women were more than friendly. I was just sitting and watching when a young lady approached and said "you are young red blood man, I take you in back room for fifty euro", I said "what's in the back? Poker? Have you got a proper pool table?" I told her about Deerstalker and the walrus but she wasn't listening she just wanted to make me happy and eventually (after about seven seconds) I gave in, I felt cheap afterwards. I felt cheap before too so in the end I didn't lose anything that a man would understand.

I went on to another bar just for a drink and fell off another stool. There was nobody in, which was a blessing in this neighborhood.

Eventually a local woman wondered in, I think it was a woman it was hard to tell even though the sun had just come up and the place was well it. Nevertheless, sensing trouble I ran out the back door and just made it into the office in time for our regular breakfast catch-up meeting. The boss said "you look a bit tired today" I said "I didn't sleep so well, I'm a bit worried about this project". He said "Looks like you've been overdoing lately, I'm going to get someone in to ease your workload, in the meantime take a couple of days off and relax. Play golf or go fishing or something".

When I got home there was a post-it on my door with this message "call me when you get this message"......

The clowns made me do it.


Monday, 15 September 2008

Dreamtime 1, Cowboys xor Indians

This is from this morning, I woke up at 5.35 after dreaming about rowing a boat on a small reservoir but I quickly went back to sleep.

There was a rumour going around the village that bandits were going to attack the bank, and rob it. As it was late in the evening already the sheriff decided to post some men inside the bank overnight, to surprise the robbers. We volunteered immediately; gun toting was all we had in those days so we pretty much volunteered for everything that involved toting a gun. Everything involved toting a gun.

It was a big bank so everyone had to spread out, me and my two brothers were put in the big room in the middle of the bank next to the vault. We settled down to get some sleep. It was a quiet night, actually we didn't believe there would be any bandits. There were always rumours about someone attacking the village, we didn't even bring our guns. In fact we weren't even dressed like gun toting cowboys, we were wearing our school clothes from the seventies, beige flares and flowery shirts. Until secondary school we didn't wear uniforms.

I was the first awake, it was almost daylight so I woke the other two up, "it's a quarter to six, the bank staff will be here soon, we might as well pack up". We were almost ready to leave when the most fearful commotion brewed up outside, there was screaming and running around, we took a step back, the shooting started and somebody set a fire against the main door. Next thing we all expected an explosion, the middle of the room was empty so we ducked down behind some armchairs.

It wasn't an explosion at all, it was the alarm clock, ACDC – Let there be Rock, the timing was spot on because we were about to get slaughtered. Once awake I thought to myself, "why the hell didn't we have guns? There should have been a big oak table in the middle of the room to brace the door". I managed to find the snooze and soon I was back in the pre-vault room, huge oak table in the middle, result! Machine gun in hand, result! Only problem was, no brothers, instead of brothers I now had a large dog and a woman. The woman didn't look like she was sent to fight bandits. I'd spent the night with brothers and I was preparing to tote a gun with a woman, it was all wrong again! At least I was wearing jeans and a flannel shirt this time.

There was no moving the oak table now, but there was another smaller table to duck behind, she said "a wooden table won't stop bullets!" and I pointed out the titanium sheet attached under the table top. I was trying to impress her with my metallurgical knowledge. I couldn't get the dog to settle down before the explosion went off, poor mutt caught a huge piece of shrapnel in the neck, it was a mess but at least he didn't suffer. Bandits charged in and I let loose with the machine gun, bandits charged out again and crouched in the door way. Traditional gun fight ensued, traditional excepting that I was toting an M-16.

Don't know what happened next, I remember thinking "Shirley the sheriff and his boys'll be here soon, I'm not going to last long at this. Not now Shirley can't you see were under attack?" The next thing I heard was Thunderstruck (also ACDC for them 'as don't know). Normally I would have hit the snooze to see how it worked out with Shirley, but it's Monday morning and I have to wrestle some cowboys in Finance today. So I toddled off to work.


Monday, 8 September 2008

Y Blog

Here it is, the Y Blog, after this you will never need to look at yourself in the shower again, or me. I mean that's all psychology is anyway, when people come to me with problems I say "you have to take all your clothes off before I'll listen to you" usually people decide things aren't that bad after all. Easy. Anyway, Y Blog:

1. Confirmation. I need someone to tell me its good, even if I think it's rubbish and even if it is rubbish

2. This might be my way to becoming a writer and give up this dull job. I refuse to recognise that writing is a job / career. I think it's just a fun thing to do and get paid millions for, that's how I picture everyone at work except me. I can be that naive if I want to and don't say "hellooo, smell the coffeeeeee" because you are a muppet

3. I'm unhappy, who writes happy blogs? (well obviously happy people, like the cake baking blog from Uber Ann but most blogs are whiney). I mean the "blog me" is unhappy. I have a god-like power over my alter ego so I'll never let him be happy, just like the real God does to his "issue" (Gods children in the Bible where called "his issue" and he begat them, except on Sundays).

4. Most blogs are people complaining about their jobs or social lives. Why? Because their jobs and social lives are boring and pointless, just like their blogs.

5. People will read anything on the internet, that's what people do now

6. what do surveys do? all surveys are paid for by someone. If the surveyor understands his employer, he will not bring the results his employer doesn't want to see. In the seventies all housewives wanted nice kitchens, in the eighties all men wanted to show their feminine sides, in the nineties men and women wanted to get blind drunk. Did the surveys predict these things or measure them? Or did they just make up stuff and say "this is what people do now" and we all started doing it

7. Why do Christians insist on saying Jesus died for my sins, that's like getting a letter from a solicitor saying your uncle Bert died and left you his debts. He came back to life anyway so I want my bloody sins back and yes I've been counting

8. Am saying all this is bunch of hooey? No, there is no need to get defensive. I see it as a kind of literary masturbation. It feels good, uses up some time and as I've always maintained, if someone would pay me to do this I'd be a millionaire quite quickly

In the other hand, if you analyse everything in this way you just end up saying all work is prostitution and we're all going to hell in hand-cart anyway so who cares? Well, what's the bloody point of this post then? eh? It's fifteen minutes of my life down the toilet, three minutes of your life you won't get back. Instead of "Y Blog" I should have said "Y Bleedin' Bother".

Wow, I feel really good now, I think I'll have a cup of tea.


Monday, 1 September 2008

Hurry up and shoot it! I'm Starving

Have you seen what's going on over the road, that dirty old man has got a woman in half his age, she used to be a "model", you know what that means don't you? Her sister's a single mum and her brother in law (ex) has to go to court yet for shooting a moose without a licence. What the moose needs a license for I don't know but it'll end badly for the whole family, especially if it comes out in court that she eats caribou hot dogs. Why do they have to talk about hot dogs? Those sort of women always talk about hot dogs, it's not right for a conservative republican.

It obvious what she's after, that old fella's already got one foot in the grave, it won't be long and she'll cop the lot, if she hasn't already - nudge nudge.

It's all gone downhill now, since that other fella moved in. They say he doesn't know foreign policy but am I the only one who's noticed he's black? He must know something, if a black man doesn't know foreign policy then we might as well give up. Someones going to say something soon and that's going to be the end of him. It's like breaking up with someone, once it's out in the open everyone chimes in "to be honest we were all bit uncomfortable with you hooking up with a patio set, the dynamics were all wrong", until then everyone's saying "wow you two were made for each other, you're so lucky my relationship is like medieval torture with side salad", who the heck eats side salad? They bring it out, they take it back, why can't they work it out? A burger with side salad is just a burger.

Yep, come November they'll all be saying "of course I voted for the woman didn't you see the other guy? Are you blind?" Unless of course one of his children has a puppy, preferably a five year old girl who likes to sing cute songs. If that happens well, the old man and his new running "mate" will have to say "well, we didn't want to bring children into it but they've dragged us down their level" (shhhhhhsshhh.... she's got a baby with down's syndrome...shhushhhhh, that's the trump card)

Come December every KFC worker will have to face a thousand people a day saying "didn't you run for president?". If he wins a red-neck will shoot him and if he loses some KFC worker will shoot him. On that same subject, did you know it was Michael Jackson's birthday on Friday? The peter pan of pop is fifty, why he hasn't been shot by a red-neck is beyond me. I think those boys have been out in them woods sucking each other's dicks for too long, they've lost touch. When is Jackson going to run for president? He's neither black nor white and frankly is he a man or a woman? I don't know. He's the perfect candidate. He can sing and he's got loads of puppies, I've never seen them but he's always asking the kids to come and have look.

So that's what I reckon, the down's syndrome baby will win and that will trigger a lot of anger and cynicism against politics, as most election campaigns do. It could even lead to a re-election which will then be a landslide for the democrats. Ok that last bit is unlikely, there will be smartarse comments on Letterman and Leno for a week. That's how people protest in decadent societies.

The really funny stuff will happen in the next British election, just what is Gordon learning from this? Will he divorce his wife and marry a black woman or go into a civil partnership with a 72 year old man? He must realise he isn't going to win on his own merit or personality.

And now to finish by using a sports quote cleverly adapted to politics; There are some people on the TV, they think it's is now!


Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Travel XXII, Sticky Pudding

Guess what? I'm back, been in Thailand and Cambodia for three weeks, on holiday. I've got a tremendous tan (still), a box of chopsticks and a wooden frog that makes a noise like a frog when you rub it's back with a stick (stick included).

Right, here's what I found out; "According to Section 86 of the Land Code, an alien may acquire land in Thailand only by virtue of the provision of a treaty providing him with the right to own immovable property". What's immoveable? I can pick up the dirt in your garden and put it in my carry-on luggage, what can you do? The King was somewhat perplexed by my ridiculous question and hastily changed the subject slightly. "I can send you to jail matey, so be careful what you do in my country, I am the law here".

He's right, while it's a well known fact that Thais love their King, it is equally well known that the King will incarcerate anyone who doesn't, fun place for a holiday. Nevertheless, section 96 of the land code was added in 2002 allowing aliens to buy land for residential purposes. In the meantime the illegal Vietnamese aliens are continuing to live in a floating village; "flooding's a pain in the bum" apparently, easier to live on the lake. Also easier to piss in the lake while your neighbour gut's a crocodile on the porch. Frankly I couldn't see the logic "you left Vietnam for this? How bad can it be?" I politely enquired, "You think we're doing bad? It's your vacation, how much did you spend to get here, more than us I'll bet". They were right, you can take the idiot out of Belgium but he'll be back when he's hungry. It was an interesting contrast of cultures and ideologies but as a conversation it was just another piss in a putrid lake on a balmy late summers afternoon. At least I understood what killed the crocodile, It was a mixture of raw sewage and a fella with huge spear although it really made no effort to dodge the spear at all, almost as if it wanted to die.

After that it was all elephant rides, bamboo rafting, snorkelling, sailing, jet ski's, massages and stretching out on the beach, not bad. But before that we saw the marvellous and enchanting ancient temples of Angkor in Cambodia. It would have been great to appreciate it for what it is without every tour guide and tourist saying "here's where they made the Tomb Raider movie, did you see it?". It's a thousand year old temple complex, an extraordinary reminderer of a lost civilation, which will now be forever associated with Angelina Jolie's tits, thanks again Hollywood great contribution as usual.

Oh yes the 'limpits, China won, I don't know if America entered, they've been unusually quiet, CNN is only showing Barack Obama but I'm not sure if he's a runner or a basketball player. We saw bits of the opening ceremony in Cambodia in Hindi and some of the closing in Thailand in Thai. Apart from that we saw some bits at the Billabong Surf Club (I know you can't surf on a Billabong) in the Fishermans Village in Koh Samui. I also gipped in their bog on the last night, not beer induced, it was something I ate, I think. I cleaned it though, well most of it went in the bog but there was splash back.

Nevertheless, great holiday, great food, great to be back, everything's great, great, love it. Oh sorry about the saw Nigel, I'll bring it round this week definately.


Monday, 11 August 2008

Cat Scan

One day, a long time ago...

I’d just moved into the area and I was chatting to this girl I’d met, like you do. I asked her about the local gym I was thinking of joining, she advised not to, in her opinion the showers weren’t very clean. I agreed to give it a wide berth but secretly I was thinking it’s probably ok by mens hygiene standards and well, it’s close by.

The next morning when I went for a shower before breakfast and I couldn’t help but notice a huge kitty litter tray in her bathroom. I understood the situation, certain people who keep animals have a distorted (knackered) sense of hygiene. Just like parents who don’t realise their kids are disturbing everyone within a 32 mile radius. Distorted sense of volume.

“Oh, is that a hair in your soup? Just pick it out, it’s ok, cat’s are very clean animals”, “Well in that case why pick it out? I’ll just eat it, yum. Why are we having soup for breakfast?”, she says "You don't know me well enough to ask questions, just finish your soup and get out, I've got business to attend to". People say cats are clean animals but what they should be saying is “cats are relatively clean for an animal, at least they don't eat their own shit”. For example, if I crapped in a ditch and covered it up using my bare feet and hands would there be a problem? Couldn’t we just snuggle up in front of the tv and share a pizza?

Ever heard a cat object if you don’t clean the bowl out and put today’s dinner on top of yesterday’s leftovers? Only women will see something wrong with that scenario.

Cats eat spiders too, they eat them and throw up because spiders are mildly toxic for cats. As if that wouldn’t be a memorable enough experience the first time, the cat will repeat it many many times during it’s life, or indeed any given weekend. Thus proving that the cat, far from having superior intelligence is in fact the dumb blonde of the animal kingdom.

Example; how do you make a cat’s eyes shine? Point a torch in it’s ear. (adapted from one of those dumb blond joke websites)

So errmm, I don’t want a cat thanks, in fact I’m not really interested in anything that people advertise as “free to a good home”. Hardly a glowing endorsement is it?

I don't know about the 'e' at the end of blond(e) and the more I blog the less I'm inclined to check anything. It's not just me, there's an epidemic of people writing comments on blogs like "that sux cos u r gay" (that's your cue). It seems that after spending decades and millions developing huge computer systems to get people connected all over the world, the one thing most people have to say to each other, even people we've never met, is "u r such retrd & yr mom is the biggest ho". That was in response to a blog about the middle east conflict.

Onwards, the March of progress, I suspect that if aliens are really intercepting transmissions of Carry On Titswobble, they are wildly overestimating our intellect today.


Saturday, 2 August 2008

Hariy Gin Sling

A Hairy Gin Sling is special twist on a normal Gin Sling, it doesn't have lemon juice in it and instead of drinking from the glass you get a Goth to throw it across the table at you so that you can wear it home later. For the full effect you can get some in your eye, like I did - that's why it's especially important not to put lemon juice in it. It's called a Hairy because that's where it was invented, last night in the public house with a similar name.

It reminds me now of another incident, two or three years ago. I was in the Old Hack and I still had my nice suit on which I sometimes wear to work. We'll call that one the One Pint Hack, also invented by The Rarebit Muncher. "Hack" refers to the name of the bar, not vomitting, being vomitted on would provoke a slightly stronger response than a two year old blog post. The One Pint Hack involves clumsily reaching for your pint and knocking it into the lap of the person sitting next to you - in this example, me. This one also lends a new meaning to "Beer Nuts" which I'll leave to your imagination.

We've got two coffee machines on our floor in the office, the machines have three buttons, one for normal coffee, one for espresso and one for "jug". One machine has the Jug button at the top the other one has the normal coffee button at the top. So imagine trying to put a jug's worth of coffee into a small paper cup, it doesn't fit, I know all about it.

But that's enough about my drinking problems, here's a food related joke:

What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, begins with "c" and ends with "t"?
A Coconut

Can someone explain that joke to me please?

Thanks y'all


Sunday, 27 July 2008

Ciabatta Sunrice

I found this in Aku's Wanderings and I copied it:

click here



Wednesday, 23 July 2008

The Evolution of (this) Man

I'm nearly quite old now so I thought it time to set a few things straight, for the record. Not so much a "last will", just a "testament", in case the Big Man gives me a red card before the game's properly finished. I always feel guilty about using sports analogies because I assume women don't understand them, so just this once I'll offer an alternative..."just a "testament", in case the batteries run out before the damn bursts". So, the record;

First of all, when I put a match to that cat I had no intention of burning it. I had singed my own hair and just wanted to see if it was the same for cats. I knew I wouldn't hurt the cat as long as I did it briefly and didn't touch it's skin, I learned that from singeing my own hair. The cat didn't know though, it ran like a bugger with a red hot poker up it's arse. I was four years old then and I was ready to start school, I felt I needed to learn by reading rather than experimentation.

Ok, that thing with the girl across the road when I was about six. Firstly, both of my brothers were there so it wasn't just me. Secondly, I had no idea why she wanted to show us her "pee pee", we ran when saw it though and I think that was a good instinct. I wish I'd stuck to that response a few more times over the years.

Oh, and I should confess that we killed her hamster with a rat-trap, that's not a metaphor. The rat-trap was in our house, they usually came from the grocer next door, the rats did. We didn't expect a hamster to cross the road, a chicken maybe. We didn't even know they had a hamster, we didn't know what a hamster looked like, Indian people don't keep hamsters. It was only when the older sister came around knocking on doors asking "has anyone seen our hamster?" we realised what had happened but the bloody rat had already been tossed over the back fence into the builders merchants yard, we just said "No, we haven't seen it". We shouldn't have laughed when she left but we were just kids, we didn't know any better. Anyway, dad set the traps and he was the one who tossed it over the fence, he really shouldn't have been laughing.

A few years later, mum caught me with some exotic literature in my bedroom. I was too embarrassed to speak, but what I wanted to say was that it belonged to dad. I guess she figured it out because shortly afterwards the whole collection disappeared, I searched everywhere but they must have been banished from the house. Actually I'm not sure I need to confess this, I still don't see what's wrong with it.

There were a couple more things but I cut them because my posts are too long these days. So, that's my confession, I'm off to bed.

Good night.