Monday, 11 August 2008

Cat Scan

One day, a long time ago...

I’d just moved into the area and I was chatting to this girl I’d met, like you do. I asked her about the local gym I was thinking of joining, she advised not to, in her opinion the showers weren’t very clean. I agreed to give it a wide berth but secretly I was thinking it’s probably ok by mens hygiene standards and well, it’s close by.

The next morning when I went for a shower before breakfast and I couldn’t help but notice a huge kitty litter tray in her bathroom. I understood the situation, certain people who keep animals have a distorted (knackered) sense of hygiene. Just like parents who don’t realise their kids are disturbing everyone within a 32 mile radius. Distorted sense of volume.

“Oh, is that a hair in your soup? Just pick it out, it’s ok, cat’s are very clean animals”, “Well in that case why pick it out? I’ll just eat it, yum. Why are we having soup for breakfast?”, she says "You don't know me well enough to ask questions, just finish your soup and get out, I've got business to attend to". People say cats are clean animals but what they should be saying is “cats are relatively clean for an animal, at least they don't eat their own shit”. For example, if I crapped in a ditch and covered it up using my bare feet and hands would there be a problem? Couldn’t we just snuggle up in front of the tv and share a pizza?

Ever heard a cat object if you don’t clean the bowl out and put today’s dinner on top of yesterday’s leftovers? Only women will see something wrong with that scenario.

Cats eat spiders too, they eat them and throw up because spiders are mildly toxic for cats. As if that wouldn’t be a memorable enough experience the first time, the cat will repeat it many many times during it’s life, or indeed any given weekend. Thus proving that the cat, far from having superior intelligence is in fact the dumb blonde of the animal kingdom.

Example; how do you make a cat’s eyes shine? Point a torch in it’s ear. (adapted from one of those dumb blond joke websites)

So errmm, I don’t want a cat thanks, in fact I’m not really interested in anything that people advertise as “free to a good home”. Hardly a glowing endorsement is it?

I don't know about the 'e' at the end of blond(e) and the more I blog the less I'm inclined to check anything. It's not just me, there's an epidemic of people writing comments on blogs like "that sux cos u r gay" (that's your cue). It seems that after spending decades and millions developing huge computer systems to get people connected all over the world, the one thing most people have to say to each other, even people we've never met, is "u r such retrd & yr mom is the biggest ho". That was in response to a blog about the middle east conflict.

Onwards, the March of progress, I suspect that if aliens are really intercepting transmissions of Carry On Titswobble, they are wildly overestimating our intellect today.

JJ

5 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Carry On Titswobble? I've not seen that one. It sounds like a cracker.

zoe said...

Did you join the gym in the end? I find it hard to tell from the looks of you.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Do you want a Scottie instead? He's house trained (sort of) and doesn't know where the bathroom is.

SpanishGoth said...

So to summarise - you hate pussies?

No wonder you were searching for a Jim

JolietJake said...

gb: Join a gym, it's still playing

zoe: I work out regular and I've lost several poinds, now you've destroyed my confidence

daphne: that's the second time you've tried to foist that one on me, own up now what's the catch?

goth: you've stabbed me in the back again, you knave