Saturday, 29 November 2008

Look Out!

Do you know what's it's like to drive a car with no brakes and no steering which tailspins into a skid when you try to speed up? I do, it's like driving my car in the snow. That's why cars don't have rear wheel drive anymore - except mine, and BMW's. Don't tell me about traction control, I've got it, it's useless. You can't replace front wheel drive with some fancy pants electronic gadget, that might work for sex but it's not the same. I was having to go really slowly and feel my way through, it would've been quicker to walk.

When Mandela was released from prison, I remember watching him walk out, I was in a bed "getting a hand" from the owner of the bed. When George W fiddled the 2000 election, I was on honeymoon in Florida. Jimi Hendrix died on my fourth birthday and now I'm having drumming lessons from the drummer of Arsenal organised by Anthony Hopkin's cousin.

Yes, I am firmly "on the fringe". But I'll tell you some funny thing that really happened to me at work listen lady. I bought a DVD player from a colleague and he left a porn DVD in it. He actually asked me if it was an original! I told him it was a copy so he didn't want it back. Made me wonder how many he must have, I did throw it away eventually.

It seems to me this "fringe" thing is much bigger than the thing it's supposed to be a fringe of, that's not right is it? It's those fucking celebrities who are on the fringe and it's us normal decent people who are in the main bit. "The Body" The Body of what? The human race I suppose. Why isn't there a human high jump?

I was watching the Antiques Show while writing this and fella started reading from an antique Welsh book. The little woman in the corner who does the sign language was screwed, she didn't understand Welsh and couldn't sign it, so she just watched and smiled, as did I.

Ahhh there is a human high jump, literally, in athletics. But the human race is very complicated, you've got some people winning over short distance and different people over long distance. An then there's the oddballs that go around and jump over that little bar, it's hardly even a jump and then they have a little pool that they alway put one foot in. They don't even try to jump the pool and some of them step on the bar. The steeplechase is silly, it's like saying "here's a race with a couple of obstacles but if you can't manage the obstacles it doesn't matter just step on them". Why don't they let everyone finish and then put the names in a hat and pull out the medal winners, they could get dressed before the results are announced. Imagine the guy jumping up and down in an Armani suit shouting "I won, I won!!", or the woman crying through the national anthem while the commentator adds "I was almost in tears myself when I saw that hat, it's a fine hat but not with that handbags shoes love, sort your self out for pete's sake". Sounds like golf commentary.

They should do that for all athletics then there would be no point in using drugs. In fact there would be no point competing at all. We should make the Olympics into a facebook game, the more friends you invite, the more medals you win. Obviously the Chinese would win everything so no change there but the Indians would win a lot more. It must be pretty mystifying for India to only get one medal from 1.1 billion people. Maybe distributing illegal copies of cd's and software should be an Olympic event, or Cricket. I'm not sure I would want Cricket to be in the Olypmics, that would devalue it. Devalue cricket I mean, they might tamper with their balls every now and then but at least they're not all stoned. Yes, pirate music and software fits more with the modern Olympic ideals than Cricket.

They should make drug dealing an Olympic event, because we all know that the top drug dealers don't use drugs themselves, they're too smart for that. That could be the only way to get at least one clean event. You could get the dealers to smuggle the torch to the next venue, that could be an event too. While were at it why don't we decriminalise crime altogether? So, Armed Robbery would get you a Gold Medal but parking on a disabled spot only gets a Bronze. This would bring the crime figures down and ease the load on overcrowded prisons.

Britain would get all the medals for car crime, they have the most cars stolen every year. At the same time, British cars also have the best security in the world, that makes no sense at all but it's true. The British are very determined to steal each others cars and they're very good at it, the best in the world. Of course, having decriminalised crime we'd have to find something for the police to do, we could put four of them in a band but that still leaves thousands more.

We could get them to do Sports Days for our amusement. Like we used to do at school; Egg and Spoon Race, Three Legged Race, Sack Race and the one where one carries another one piggy-back and they try to knock each other off. I would pay to watch that. It would liven up the community too, better than all that standing around flexing the knees and "evenin' all", "now then, what to we have 'ere?", "half past six, are you a burglar?", "put your clothes on love, you're nicked". That last one was from The Sweeney.

There's a blast from the archives, but that's all from me, sorry shorty.


Monday, 24 November 2008

The Dragon's Toilet

I don't like those dry Dragon's Den people on BBC2, I don't like them one bit. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't invest in my ideas either, they're not my kind of people. So I'm going to put my business ideas here:

Alchoholic Counsellors. Things getting you down? Can't sleep, can't handle your crappy relationship. Fuck therapy, meet one of our guys, get smashed and forget everything. I started this business a long time ago but everytime there were problems I put myself in Alchoholic Counselling and so I got nothing done for fifteen years.

Cannabis Counsellors. It like Alchoholic Counsellors but for the unemployed / unemployable or anyone else who doesn't really have to get of bed.

Gambling Insurance. Wouldn't it be great if you could buy a policy to cover your gambling debts? Well you can but it will first require an act of parliament to make Gambling Insurance mandatory for everyone who has access to gambling facilities (that's everyone), then it just turns into a huge money carousel with the Insurance company skimming a few percent and getting filthy rich. Just like motor insurance, or any form of banking.

Transplant Carousel. This requires two closely related people, twins are best and a "house" doctor. You can take out and sell three kidneys between the two people and pocket pure profit, the people would then take turns "having the remaining kidney". One stays on a dialysis machine for a few weeks while the other one lives it up with his share of the cash, then they swap. You can do this with many organs, eyes, hands etc. Obviously the doctor is working in the health service so you get all the equipment you need but you'll have to pay him off. Eventually it'll be like buying timeshare's in bodies, you could sell all of your own parts except your brain and keep moving from body to body. You could be the woman next door one month and then you could be her lesbian lover the following month. Obviously once this takes off the holiday business will take a nose dive so you'll want to sell those Jihad Group Adventures shares.

Surrogate Tarot. It's a deck of tarot cards that doesn't tell your future, it tells you someone else's future. What use is that? Make a list of the women (or men) you would like to have a go at if they were available, and Surrogate Tarot will tell you if and when they will become available. You get first dibs on all the action. If you get bored of that you can play tricks on your neighbours like ring their front doorbell when they're in the shower.

Endless Water Supply. Instead of buying bottles of water every week and lugging it into your house, USE THE TAP IN THE KITCHEN! Isn't that what we were all brought up on? What happened, did they start putting arsenic in the tap water? Ok this is not really a business idea, it's just something I think about. Especially when it's raining. Rain makes me go to the toilet more and I'm scared of eating fish because there might be a bone it and I'll choke to death. When I do eat fish it's the same rush as some people get from bungee jumping or jumping off a skyscraper with a parachute. When I'm eating it I get really scared and want to stop but at the end I always say "let's do it again!", that's also how I equate sex to eating cheap fillet.

Here's a couple of quick ones that need development yet. The Norman Bates Shower Curtain with patented easy-clean system. And the Deep Dry Cleaning Home Kit "for when those things just have to pass a forensic test and quickly", eliminates DNA traces.

That's all there is for now, the important lesson to learn about running your own business is you should try to get millions of people depending on you, so if you screw up the government will bale you out. A government bale out is one of the best networking opportunities you'll get and networking is a great way to avoid actual work.

In the meantime I've told my loving employer I'm going to reduce my output to match my salary, he thought I was joking.