Friday, 16 January 2009

Time Deacons

Time Deacons (not to be confused with Time Lords) are like World Leaders but they rule Time (not necessarily travel time) instead of Space. So, you've got the Buddha, God, Jehova, Zeus, Allan and Dave Brock (of Hawkwind):

The scene: Large double living room in Solihull, the Buddha and Alan are surfing the net, God is staring at the log fire, Zeus is on his iPod and Dave Brock is doing the Sunday Times crossword.

Buddha: Check this out, you can get Battle Tanks on Amazon
God: what Battle Tanks? What's that?
Buddha: two remote control tanks, they shoot light beams at each other and spin when it's a hit
Dave Brock: what sort of tanks?
Buddha: eh?
Dave Brock: what sort? T41's, Chieftan's, Panza's
Buddha: it doesn't say, does it matter?
Dave Brock: ok, if you're getting some anyway I'll have a go
Allan: we'll need three sets, because there's six of us
Dave Brock: well you couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo so you'd better get re-chargeable batteries as well while you're at it
Allan: what was that for?
Dave Brock: Just kidding Allan ya mardy arse, lighten up. The motors will eat the batteries up so get rechargeable ones
God: what if Zeus and Jehova don't want to play? Where is Jehova anyway?
Allan: he's out annoying people as usual
Zeus: what? were you talking about me?
Dave Brock: yeh, Allan wants some advice about buying new plates
Zeus: very funny, what is it?
Allan: the Buddha's getting Battle Tanks, are you in?
Zeus: yeh, whatever
(Puts earphones back in)

Jehova enters.

Jehova: fucking bollocks! that dog at number 42 escaped and chased me down the street, I had to run down the alley and jump over the back fence and cut accross the field, bastard thing, I'm going sort that little fucker out one day
Buddha: I don't like the sound of that
Jehova: oh piss off Mr fucking Goody Two Shoes, get a job
Buddha: you call that a job? knocking on peoples doors and boring them into a coma
Jehova: fuck me! I haven't even sat down yet, I've been chased by a dog and I get this shit as soon as I walk in
God: your language isn't helping you know
Allan: yeh
Jehova: oh fuck off Allan, I need a drink
Dave Brock: I need one too the way you lot are carrying on
Jehova: surprised you haven't already got four lined up

(Continuity check. Lemmy was originally in the Dave Brock role hence the drink remark, but he pulled out at the last minute. I managed to get Dave Brock but there wasn't time to re-write the script)

Dave Brock: you want trouble? ok, come on, let's 'ave it
Jehova: ok ok, sorry, I'm a bit stressed, I'll get you a drink
Zeus: I'll have a mineral water
Jehova: oh will you? we'll you'll have to get yer own, I've only got two hands
Dave Brock: there's a point, where's that Hindu fella with eight arms, shouldn't he be here
Zeus: I thought that was a woman
Dave Brock: nah, it's definately a fella
Zeus: crap, that was my best fantasy
Dave Brock: what was? doin' a fella?

Howls of laughter all around

Jehova: aah hah hah, fucking tree hugging iPod playing puffter
Zeus: oh, so I'm a homosexual because I've got an iPod? very mature
Jehova: it's not because you've got a iPod, that's just a "happy" coincidence
Allan: {with air quotes} yeh, "happy" as in "gay"
Zeus: shut up Allan, we get it
Allan: yeh? well maybe you're the one who "get's it" the most eh?
Dave Brock: shut up Allan
Allan: what's the matter? can't keep "up"?
Dave Brock: prat
God: for heaven's sake, are we buying the blessed Battle Tanks or not?
Buddha: oh, I've lost the page now, I don't know what they were called
Jehova: what Battle Tanks?
Buddha: no, that's what Allan calls them, it's something else on Amazon
Jehova: what is?
Allan: Battle Tanks, we were going to get Battle Tanks
Dave Brock: but what are they really called?
Allan: dunno
Jehova: what a bunch of fucking muppets, is this what you've achieved while I've been out?
Dave Brock: I've just finished the crossword, I'm off out now
Allan: where you going? can I come?
Dave Brock: no
Zeus: can I come? I'll keep my mouth shut
Dave Brock: no chance
Jehova: you can both come with me, I'm going out
Zeus and Allan: no thanks

Dave Brock and Jehova leave

Buddha: what about a robot dog? you can teach it tricks
Allan: can't we have a real dog?
God: don't start Allan, no I won't walk backwards and say "foow"
Allan: ha ha ha, it would be funny if you did though, because "dog" backwards is "God"
God: shut up Allan!

The End


Tuesday, 13 January 2009


I was just in the kitchen thinking "what did I come in here for?" when it suddenly occured to me that I am now, and have been for a while, a Bruxelloise (or is it Bruxelloisee, there might be an accent on one of those "e"s). If you're reading this from Blighty I can tell you you're probably pronouncing it wrong, if you're in Oz or Untied State of Anxiety then I'm sure you are pronounching it wrong. ("ching" was a typo but I kept it. That's how God was invented, the higher being's child really wanted a Dog)

So, what is a Brusseliose when he's at home? Well, I've cleared the snow from in front of our house but left enough to make an ice rink overnight. Most of my tv channels (41 out of 44) are in languages I don't understand, most of my mail is in languages I don't understand. The end of my street has been a roadworks site for 18 months even though I moved house two months ago. I give over more than half of my salary in taxes to support four administrations in three languages and they don't even grit the street when it snows. Now they tell us they're not collecting our glass for recycling any more, we have to take it to the bottle bank, where's our tax reduction for that?

I like wine and cheese, I own a bicycle and I wander about in a daze most of the time so that makes me half French, half Dutch and half Belgian if broad stereotypes are anything to go by. If you didn't know, half of Belgium speaks French and the other half Dutch. There is a small German speaking corner but we don't talk about them.

British people love living in Bruxelles, we can just sit and complain all day long safe in the knowledge that nothing will ever get done. It's true, while the Spanish brought enforced Catholicism, torture, slavery and general nastiness to their conquered nations, the British brought Centralised Administration. But then a properly organised bureaucracy is like a religion in two vital ways - they take all your money and give you diddly back.

Not that the British brought Central Administration to Brussels, they did that by themselves. Or did they? You know this European Union lark? I think it's a huge master-plan of reverse psychology, how else could they make English the de facto language of Europe? I hope that one day before I die I'll be able to buy a Pork Pie in my local supermarket at 2am, or a Scotch Egg at 3am

It's a dream, in as much as a hope can be dream and a twinkle in a glistening dewey eye turns out to be a lump of aspic from lunch.

Next week; the North American Free Trade Area and Hot Dogs. Or, "Bush and Weiners".

The Following week: mumbling apology and shuffling feet

All that talk of food has made me even more hungry, oh yes, that what I went to the kitchen for.