Friday, 3 April 2009

G20 Pee

The thing about finance is this: "you had a pound and now you've got twenty pee", sorry, it's a global problem, not my fault.

This is for the good of the company; "your department needs to rationalise 3 resources"

You had a job, you had a house, and now you've got depression and debts. The way out is to spend more money, because that will stimulate the economy. That's the global solution, it's best for everyone.

What does this mean? "A clever man learns by his mistakes, but a wise man learns by others mistakes".

What the fuck do you expect to learn having watched the bank's CEO blow your savings? The global economy is a pyramid scheme, invest and tell your friends to invest, we'll all be rich and retire at fifty. No, only one person will retire, the rest will be laid off.

I was laid off at 25 but I came back stronger, because I'm a stubborn bugger. That's what empires are built on, stubborn buggers. And fucking massive weapons. Try looking at history from the other perspective; Take Genghis Khan from the Chinese viewpoint. "One minute I was chopping carrots for tea then suddenly this short loudmouthed geyser and bunch of yobs wrecked everything and set the house on fire. What the fuck is his problem?"

From the point of view of the Indians, Alexander was not so Great. "I milked the holy cow and I was about to have a blessed cuppa, suddenly there's this short-arse Greek fella standing in the verandah waving his sword about. Only later we found out how small their country is, it's just behn chod embarrassing isn't it though?"

Imagine the Romans trying to invade Swansea (Wales): "Hallo, you're not from round 'yer is it?", "We're invaders", "Oh. Have you been busy?", "Yes, very", "I expect you'll want to sit down and 'ave a cuppa then", "Is that a question? You raise your pitch at the end of every sentence, it's hard to tell when you're asking a question", "tell you what I'll put the kettle on, come in and we'll have a nice chat". The Romans just crossed it off the list and went to Yorkshire instead, "Just pretend we took a wrong turn, it doesn't feel right"

What about when the Vikings came to England: "Oi, Oi, you can't park your boat there it's a restricted zone. Careful with that, you'll have someone's eye out! I say, you can't do that she hasn't been broken in yet. They're not very talkative are they?" And then the Normans came; "Ask him what he wants, they don't speak English. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Steady on now, you'll have someone's eye out. Can't they come back after tea? This is most inconvenient, you can't just turn up you know, it's not even a public holiday"

Finally, here's what drove the Swiss to become neutral. It's 1499AD, the Swiss army is amassed on the Austrian border "today will mark the beginning of the most efficient empire in history", "can't we wait 12 months and start on 1500AD? That would show better planning", "You are correct". Twelve months later; "where the fuck is everyone? You know what, I'm going to make some decent fucking watches and clocks if it kills me, I'm sick of this crap, how do you expect to keep twelve months time with a box of candles? It's ridiculous." They declared neutrality so that they could focus on the job at hand...

That was then and this is bedtime.


Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Big Brother's halfwit second Cousin

25 March 2009 12:33:05, Subject is replaying Motley Crue cover of Paranoid (British subversives)

I was playing songs in Shuffle Mode when someone interrupted me for some-bollocks-or-another and I missed the whole of Motley Crue’s Paranoid cover. The machine had started “I ain’t got you” but I hit the “back” button and it actually went back to the song. At the end of the song it went to “I ain’t got you” again. So, it’s not random is it? And it’s keeping a log of the songs I’ve listen to. Why? Is this the kind of crap that Big Brother is up to these days? Is this the sort of trivia that the world’s most redundant minds are preoccupied with? And I include myself in that allegation.

Next is “So Tired”, I’ve got about 50 squillion songs on my hard drive so why is the CIA making me listen to Ozzy Osbourne and the Blues Brothers by highjacking my media player using that “do you want to join our customer feedback program to help enhance your listening experience”. Ok, yeah, I’m buying that, I didn’t notice that keystroke logger in Kazaa, I was too busy looking at “bully the virus protector” or whatever-the-fuck that thing was dancing in the corner, fooled me completely. Well obviously that’s where the Lesbian Vampires dvd came from – they stole my credit card details. It’s been happening a lot lately.

Why didn’t they fold the CIA after the cold war ended? Now the fuckers are just sitting around annoying innocent(ish) folk. A fella phoned me on Monday morning to move my car from in front of his garage (I leave my phone number in the windscreen), the car was there from Friday afternoon and that was not a garage when I parked there. It was a normal house – I know what’s going on and I know you’re reading this. I'm deliberately spreading this (dis)information, or is it a double bluff???

Ha haaarr!

They're not very bright this CIA. LISTEN CAREFULLY; you can't subvert me by forcing me to listen to Ozzy Osbourne songs, THAT. IS. MY. OZZY. OSBOURNE. COLLECTION. you fucking idiot.

I'm removing the keystroke logger now but here's some stuff you can work on; my birthdate "1809", bra size 42A (that's right, and stop pretending you don't know yours, "just take another line baby it's all good" remember?), hat size - I don't know my fucking hat size, dog's name - fido (hee hee), cat's name - felix (hee hee he ha ha), mother's maiden name - "iron".

Have they gone yet? I hope so.