Sunday, 9 March 2008

Wicca of the Churlish

Moonlight has a funny effect on people, in real life as well as in the fictional world of vampyres and werewolves. For example, we were driving home from her sister's house and it was getting quite late so I said "Fancy a kebab and a bunk up later?" she said "No! Not if you put it like that, I'd rather not". I noticed it was a full moon so I didn't make a fuss, I just let it slide.

I had a copy of Malaeus Maleficarum years ago, it gives detailed instructions on casting spells. Quite predictably most of the casting involved nudity, moonlight, pentagrams drawn on the floor with salt, voodoo style dolls, bric-a-brac stolen from the victim and a few home grown herbs. I didn't actually try it but I can imagine people doing that sort of thing, after all there's a huge witchcraft shop in Huddersfield, it must be there for a reason.

It's true, you know that MacBeth bit about "eye of newt and skin of toad"? you can get all that stuff in Huddersfield. The surprising thing is that even in this multicultural age the witches categorise themselves as Black or White for Bad or Good. All that stuff is a few hundred years old so today they should probably be talking about Christian Witches and Muslim Witches, except their are no witches in Islam, it's wasted on them but not as much as it is wasted on Buddists. Buddists don't have any of that black and white, good and evil or heaven and hell, they only believe in one thing, not quite sure what it is but there's only one of it. Everyone has to be nice all the time, they can't even walk on the floor without worrying about killing ants. I'd join them, I like orange, but only if everyone else does it too.

I've met witches in Sheffield, they told me I had a guardian angel watching over me. It's nice to know but I wish he/she would do a little more than just watch, for example knock that button lift out of the way before it splits my head open. That would be nice, watching doesn't really help me. Frankly there are situations where I don't want anyone watching, especially not angels I hear they are quite easily shocked.

Sheffield's a funny place at times, my landlady was a clairvoyant, a seer into the future. A lot of people visited her, I was always a bit surprised by the surprise on her face each time I told her couldn't pay the rent that week. I always thought she would have anticipated it but she never did. She might have done better if she studied body language.

Body language is black art if ever there was one, once you've learned the basics you can just go around deliberately sending out the wrong signals. Whenever somebody asks you if you know body language always say "no" but tug an earlobe at the same time, confuses the hell out them and stops them trying to read your signals. It's not surprising then that corporate people make such a thing out of it, the other way to fight them is white witchcraft. Go out into the countryside, strip off and make yourslef a salt pentagram to stand in and then let out all your aggression on that Monsanto mouse-mat.

I might set up a group, I sense there are few people in Brussels who would be up for this sort of thing, beats the crap out of a cheesey whine evening anyway.

So, I'll leave you to enjoy the rest of your evening.