Wednesday, 11 June 2008

KickBladder 3 - Bear Sex

Some people say there are no surprises in life, they are boring and unimaginative people, that is my opinion. My life is full of surprises, and so is my pocket like that time I found five Euro's outside my apartment.

So far there have been few surprises in the KickBladder competition, there was an interview with Ballack after his game and the reporter asked "which department do you think was the best for Germany?" I hoped he would say "Marketing" or "HR", nobody ever says the HR department makes a valuable contribution. But no, he didn't say anything like that, there were no surprises.

Mother Russia, the Great Bear, the biggest country in the world, the biggest country anywhere that we know of. Not the most populous though, why? It's too cold, nobody is scoring when it's minus forty two in the shade. As we saw yesterday, the heated Spanish are able to score four times for each successful penetration by the chilled northerners.

On the other hand, the Swedes had no problem banging in a couple against the unimaginative Greeks who tried to make a drama out of it but it just ended in tragedy.

But that's all yesterday's news, now the colourful Portugese have disposed of the Czechs by three to one and the vengeful Turks helped themselves to a two one against the Swiss. It's over for the Swiss, unless they can come up with a fancy watch that let's them go back through time and try again. I made contact with Aliens once using old phone parts and baking foil, that might be of some use.

It seems to me that when Czechoslovakia broke up, all the good players went to Czech Republic, I suppose The Game goes with The Beer. What did the Slovaks get? I bet it's tourism, any country can do tourism, it's like the international equivalent of "it's not the winning, it's the taking part that counts".

There should be a competition to see which is the best country in the world, why not? We have a Miss World competition, a Eurovision Song Contest, all sorts of awards for cars, boats, tv shows and films. We just have to agree on a list of categories and let the entrants come in. We could have a "Lifetime Contribution" award for countries like Switzerland who are never going to win anything else and we would have the Best Newcomer award which would have gone to Kosovo this year and Tibet would hope to win that one day.

On the other hand it's perfectly feasible that America could be the country that never wins anything, like UK and Germany in the Song contest. Their songs are just as bad as the others but no one will vote for them any more, it's a popularity contest more than a song contest. In that sense it's not a contest at all, it's an Election.

So, it should be a World Popularity Election and it's the taking part that counts. Each contestant will get a bag of M&M's and a colouring book, including the ones who have won real prizes.

Good night,


Tuesday, 10 June 2008

KickBladder 2 - Weiner Shitzel

The thing about KickBladder is it is very not like skiing, hence the Austrians have followed their Swiss friends in losing their opening game. Austria lost nil one to Croatia, shortly afterwards a couple of Poles helped Germany to beat Poland mercilessly, two nil.

The German system of passport issuance is very not like the English, anyone anywhere born of German parents is entitled to a German Passport. Conversely, hundreds of thousands of people born in Germany are not entitled to a passport because their parents came from Turkey. Hence, two chaps from Poland are playing up front for Germany and one of them scored two goals. The Polish don't like Germans much and this isn't going to help change their minds, it's not going to help them win anything either.

On top of that we've got yet more evidence that the French cannot make breakfast, which is why they always start so poorly. Nil nil against Romania is bread and jam for breakfast, no thanks. All that culinary prowess and they can't even boil an egg. You'll never convice me the Eiffel isn't a copy of the Blackpool tower, especially after that dismal performance, they simply don't have the creativity, it's a plain as the nose on Jacques Chirac's face (and almost as big).

Which brings us summarily to the Italians, one day they will have to concede that they are not as good looking as they think they are. Nice clothes and shoes but once you get beyond that, they're just like you and me. What's more, now that we are all global and everything we can safely say that Italian cuisine is lagging behind a whole raft of Asian countries, so that's not very good either. In the finish, a well deserved three nil to an otherwise temperamental and annoyingly smug cheese eating Dutch eleven. Is it just me or is the Dutch sense of humour actually a level BELOW Benny Hill?

All in all I think it's safe to say this KickBladder competition is a marvellous oppotunity to bitch and gripe about everything in Europe, it must be rubbish because we're not in it. Principally because that useless git Steve MacLaren did a better of job of getting us out of Europe than The Iron Lady herself.

I wonder how she is after all these years? I can just imagine Margaret at the Top Rank Bingo "You put your balls back in your bag, I'll decide when it's House!". I bet she goes to Mallorca on holiday too "Egg and Chips and a glass of stout if you don't mind, I'll have none of that octopus bollocks and mind your quotas!". She's allways shouting, even on holiday. It's difficult to be around people who are always shouting, it puts the others on edge.

There will be more hissing, booing and cheers during tonights performances but I won't see them because I'll be at the Ancienne Belgique with Queensryche. I missed them the first time round and it seems about time to start my mid-life crisis, if anything I'm late. The problem with trying to re-live my youth is I can't remember half of it and the bits I can remember I just don't have the energy for. I think I've finally run out of hormones, on the plus side I can start using my brain to run my life now which should be a good thing but it does seem rather complicated.

I suppose I'll get used to it. There will always be bank holiday weekends at Knokke, chips with mayonnaise and raw onions, tea with lemon. I explained the term "gut rot" to a Belgian friend the other day, I haven't seen him since, he even skipped golf on Sunday which is very unlike him. Now that I think of it, he is a touch hypochondriatic, perhaps I shouldn't have said anything... ;)



Sunday, 8 June 2008

KickBladder Part 1

About a million years ago a man called John the Bulldog blew up a pigs bladder and sewed it shut and then kicked it around the village like a lunatic. The next day Alex MacNugget bought Eric the Frenchie and people said "you can't buy a man, you are a lunatic, surely!", Alex said "you think I'm mad? wait till you hear him talk" nevertheless, this prompted Alan Sugarbabe to buy Dahvid Ginohla for millions of squids to finally prove his utter ignorance of The Game. Alex said "well, he makes shit computers, shit satellite dishes and shit hi-fi's, I'm really scared, oh yes, the little cockney Napoleon is coming to get me, look at me trembling...apprentice my arse" and so on. (continuity error acknowledged)

After all that, I was in The Hairy last nacht listening to some Austrian gobshite going on about how the stadium shouldn't be in the city limits because all those drunken hooligans will ruin everything with throwing up on the Beethoven house and all that, I said "listen up you Austrian gobshite, it's because of the Belgian Army that you can stand in a crowded bar wearing a dress and talking bollocks, you can't do that in your country, so just shut the fuck up and drink your lager". That lead to a fascinating debate about the origins of lager beer which we concluded was probably from The Czech Republic, the best ones are anyway even the Germans admit to that. By a phenomenal coincidence the very same Republic had just beaten the hapless Swiss team by a goal to nothing, they won't forget that in a hurry. Nor will the vengeful Turks who took a sound beating from the Portugese and lost by two growls to nowt.

I missed the entire Turkey fiasco being sidetracked by The Goth and his gay friends, I mean that seriously and there's nothing wrong with it but I should clarify that we were just talking - and we've got witnesses. There won't be any of those shenanigans tonight though, Girlfriend will be back from her highschool re-onion and we have to watch Gerry beat the Poles mercilessly. That was inevitable, no one from England can write about sports without throwing in war comments and european onions.

Anyway, bloody hell, there was a sweepstake at work and guess who I've drawn??? only bloody Germany! Rotten luck, there will be no banter at our place now, just a couple of sour krouts and keg of Czech pilzner. I suppose I could do the one that all Germans do "Isn't Aachen in Holland?" har har, except I've already used it a million times.

I've just noticed that one of my neighbours has a wi-fi called "Jesus t'aime", sad but quite an enterprising way of spreading The Message, makes me think though, perhaps I should change the name of mine. I think "2nd Floor Brothel" sounds good because I'm on the first floor, or "Jesus Hash Cake 69". My internet connection went down as soon as I wrote that, spooky. Well He does work in mysterious ways, he's like a woman in that sense. I don't blame Him, I also like women though not quite to the point that I want to wear their clothes, that'll just be a secret fantasy. Actually I wish I could be more like my father, especially that time he hit my uncle over the head with a saucepan, we just don't have weddings like that anymore.

Anyhoodle, that's the sports coverage done for now, there will be updates as the tournament progresses and feel free to write in with your selection of favourites. There are no prizes and frankly you'll be lucky if you even get an acknowledgement of your effort.

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