About a million years ago a man called John the Bulldog blew up a pigs bladder and sewed it shut and then kicked it around the village like a lunatic. The next day Alex MacNugget bought Eric the Frenchie and people said "you can't buy a man, you are a lunatic, surely!", Alex said "you think I'm mad? wait till you hear him talk" nevertheless, this prompted Alan Sugarbabe to buy Dahvid Ginohla for millions of squids to finally prove his utter ignorance of The Game. Alex said "well, he makes shit computers, shit satellite dishes and shit hi-fi's, I'm really scared, oh yes, the little cockney Napoleon is coming to get me, look at me trembling...apprentice my arse" and so on. (continuity error acknowledged)
After all that, I was in The Hairy last nacht listening to some Austrian gobshite going on about how the stadium shouldn't be in the city limits because all those drunken hooligans will ruin everything with throwing up on the Beethoven house and all that, I said "listen up you Austrian gobshite, it's because of the Belgian Army that you can stand in a crowded bar wearing a dress and talking bollocks, you can't do that in your country, so just shut the fuck up and drink your lager". That lead to a fascinating debate about the origins of lager beer which we concluded was probably from The Czech Republic, the best ones are anyway even the Germans admit to that. By a phenomenal coincidence the very same Republic had just beaten the hapless Swiss team by a goal to nothing, they won't forget that in a hurry. Nor will the vengeful Turks who took a sound beating from the Portugese and lost by two growls to nowt.
I missed the entire Turkey fiasco being sidetracked by The Goth and his gay friends, I mean that seriously and there's nothing wrong with it but I should clarify that we were just talking - and we've got witnesses. There won't be any of those shenanigans tonight though, Girlfriend will be back from her highschool re-onion and we have to watch Gerry beat the Poles mercilessly. That was inevitable, no one from England can write about sports without throwing in war comments and european onions.
Anyway, bloody hell, there was a sweepstake at work and guess who I've drawn??? only bloody Germany! Rotten luck, there will be no banter at our place now, just a couple of sour krouts and keg of Czech pilzner. I suppose I could do the one that all Germans do "Isn't Aachen in Holland?" har har, except I've already used it a million times.
I've just noticed that one of my neighbours has a wi-fi called "Jesus t'aime", sad but quite an enterprising way of spreading The Message, makes me think though, perhaps I should change the name of mine. I think "2nd Floor Brothel" sounds good because I'm on the first floor, or "Jesus Hash Cake 69". My internet connection went down as soon as I wrote that, spooky. Well He does work in mysterious ways, he's like a woman in that sense. I don't blame Him, I also like women though not quite to the point that I want to wear their clothes, that'll just be a secret fantasy. Actually I wish I could be more like my father, especially that time he hit my uncle over the head with a saucepan, we just don't have weddings like that anymore.
Anyhoodle, that's the sports coverage done for now, there will be updates as the tournament progresses and feel free to write in with your selection of favourites. There are no prizes and frankly you'll be lucky if you even get an acknowledgement of your effort.
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