Friday, 22 May 2009

Anti Gravity Boy

When you get down to it Superman is pretty lame, compared to Batman, Spiderman, the X-Men, Hellboy, Iron Man etc. His first problem is that he can do everything, he's got too much power, so when he comes under attack it's hard to believe he's ever really struggling. It's hard to identify or empathise with him at any level. He is the Coporate version of a super-hero, it's just too much.

His second problem is he only has one enemy, Lex Luthor. The comic book superman and the tv series version had lots of enemies, but the movies only have Lex Luthor. It's not good enough and it shows a singular lack of imagination by the writers, "boooo!".

So here's the solution, take away the x-ray vision, the super hearing and that crap thing when he blows on something to freeze it and then make him fight six enemies at once. Also, he needs a personality. This "super" man is a super-boring goody two shoes, have a drink and lighten up dude!

You might think this is turning into that thing Will Smith did but that was rubbish, not that I've seen it, even though I own the DVD. I just know in advance that Will ruins every film he's in, it's not his fault, he just can't act. How many sequels have come from Will Smith movies? I don't know because I would have avoided them but I did see Men In Black II and it sucked, he should take the hint.

So, what's Anti Gravity Boy? Well, that's me! I had a dream where I figured out that instead of trying to fly I could mentally repel gravity, causing my body to float in the air. It looks the same as flying but the physics is different. I think it might actually work. That Russian scientist who invented the Theremin reckoned that he could take off simply by grabbing hold of a huge gyroscope. I saw the black and white footage of him waving a gyroscope around his head, that was three quarter's of tonne of steel and he really didn't look that strong.

So, from a 750kg spinning wheel to using "The Force" to fly isn't really that much of stretch. The question is, what does one do with the flying ability? I wouldn't want to be a circus exhibit, hanging around womens bathroom windows is going be interesting for a couple of days, then what? A courrier service? Surveillence? Bor-ring.

It doesn't seem worth the effort, might as well keep using the metro. I've 9 trips left on my ticket for now anyway, maybe then I'll see if I can figure out this flying lark.

I really did have that dream, that was the inspiration for this.


Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Tales of the Unexpended

Taxi drivers always say they know the way until you get going, then they ask you if you've been there before. Otherwise you wouldn't get in the cab.

My internet provider, Telenet, on line help only sends answers on email, the question? what's my email password? So if I can't get into email what use is this help? I can create a new account on line but they send the new account details to the same email address. So I phoned the helpesk, all three of them, they said it should be fixed in two or three days. Which probably means my order was sitting in someones in tray, lazy hyenas. That was four months ago.

I was in Paris two years ago to see that picture. "La Joconde" the French name, (also known as La Gioconda, this is the feminine form of Giocondo), the sitter was the wife of Francesco del Giocondo, her name was Lisa Gherardini the painting is also know as the Mona Lisa, this title means Madam Lisa. And then it was a film with Bob Hoskins.

I was walking to the metro and there's a part where the pavement is blocked by construction, they've built a small wooden walk way to get round it isnt even 3 ft wide (91 cm). There's this fat woman Coming the other way with a little white terrier. So I'm Waitirg behind two girls and theres a guy behind me, half way along the dog Stopped to take a dump. She was embarrassed, if only I knew the french words, I would have told her. The girls were messing around so one stepped in it and spread it around the narrow path. It was a bit runny anyway

I happened to notice this slogan on the website of a certain software firm "Your Potential. Our Passion". The more I think about it, I'm just not convinced this multi billion dollar corporation is passionate about my potential, we've never even met. Potential do do what anyway? Make a cheesy slide show with sliding captions synchronised to "Simply the Best"? Thanks but I'll manage without it.

I prefer the chinese approach "lucky 8 computer software company, boost your fertility 100% guaranteed!", of course that's horseshit but I'd rather buy from a company which falsly claims to boost my fertility than one that tells bland lies and then bores me into a coma. At least the the chinese are talking about something I'm interested in. Gambling and fertility should be more prominent in western culture, all this stuff about sports, celebrities, investment portfolios and hedge funds it's just money and sex. That's what it all boils down to.

Oh my god, I just figured out what "Hedge Fund" means! Hedge as in "hedging your bets", Fund as in "the clients money". There.

I'm tired, go away now.


Monday, 18 May 2009

The Yelpdesk

Want to know what's really going on down at the helpdesk?

You can try this at home kids, with Google Translate. Take a hypothetical helpdesk scenario:

"When I type "yuo" in an email the system keeps changing it to "you". "Yuo" is my Korean pen pal who I like to write to regularly to chat about families and things that go on in the day. We also play the "send me apathy" game on face book but the most important thing is that Yuo is planning to visit me for Easter. We are having logistical problems because of this spell checker, also because they don't have Easter so he doesn’t understand the schedule."

That's scenario I'm sending to the helpdesk. Say the helpdesk is in Berlin, they would translate it into German and that text translated back into English looks like this:

"If I, "you" in an e-mail system is constantly changing it to "you". "It is my Korean pen PAL, which I like to write regularly to chat about family and things that go into the day. We also play "Send me apathy" game on the face book, but the most important thing is that it is planning to visit me and Easter, we have logistical problems, because this thing, because they are not about Easter, so he doesn ' t understand the timetable."

The answer (which I wrote in English and double translated back) is this:

"Easter is on Sunday, 12 April, the usual schedule is Good Friday, Easter Monday, followed by the United Kingdom, and they have holidays. The weekend is not named and it's free for your needs, gentile. If you have a problem with your stylus Korean, please contact the manufacturer, we have no information from PAL. Have a nice day."

Stop and compare the answer with the question, both sides are competent and good communicators but the result is gibberish. I hope that explains why the help desk isn't what you hoped it would be.