Friday, 12 June 2009

Perambula 2: Alien Asian

It's all very well harping on about cattle and rednecks but look at it from the aliens point of view. Here's a short screen play feature with Glib and Glob, two aliens.

Glib: There's a sort of solar system in the corner, why don't we go there?
Glob: Where? I can't see anything
Glib: Are you fucking blind? It's a ten planet system, how can you not see that
Glob: Oh yeh, I can see it, no need to get shirty, let's go there then
Glib: We're in luck, there's one inhabited planet, we can grab a couple of samples and call it a day
Glob: Nice one, you are "The Glibster" waxing lyrical with the freestyler
Glib: Ok, they are flying, swimming and walking, we'll take one of each.
Glob: There's one walking on two legs like us!
Glib: Where?
Glob: You have to scroll down a bit

Glob: It's your line
Glib: I can't remeber the line, fuck. Oh, yes, "Let's see if it talks"

later in the specimen room:

Glib: What if they can use hypnosis to get the memories back? These mind erasing tools aren't fool proof
Glob: So what, they can't exactly come after us
Glib: True. It doesn't speak, it makes a noise if you shove this metal rod up it's arse
Glob: What is that? Some fancy new scanner?
Glib: No, it's a piece of junk I found in the back
Glob: Fair do, shove it in again
Glib: That's a bit naughty but, ok
Glob: Well, this is a waste of time. If this is some sort of primitive language it's beyond me
Glib: Yeeeh, let's chuck it back. Or shall we chuck four legs and keep this one
Glob: The other one's in the box now, chuck this one. Lets go, I'm hungry
Glib: Roger that Mr Globmeister, I am seeing a Super Combo Meal in your near future
Glob: Laaarging it and giving a shout to The Glibster and is arse-kicking inter-planetary crew! Yesss-aye, we got the goods again.
Glib: Don't forget to put labels on the boxes this time
Glob: Oh yeeeh, the boss was pretty hacked off last time eh?
Glib: Yeeeh, I can't lose this job the wife's dad already thinks I'm a loser
Glob: He's a loser, you should tell him his daughter swallows and takes it up the Gary Glitter
Glib: Yeeeh, I could tell him that or I could just put my bollocks on the table and give him a hammer
Glob: ha! ha! Nice one The Glibster
Glib: you are most welcome to use that one yourself Mr Globmeister
Glob: Graatsee, don't mind if do


They are a bit geeky these aliens, they have basic dead-end jobs and pass the time quoting tv comedies and thinking of cool names for each other and their fantasy buxom crew members. They'll go on like this for another four hundred of our earth years, this is the same length as their mating ritual. Then they go into cocoon states for 3 years and each alien comes out having split into two mature beings. Only the new one will mate again, the old one will do a bit of filing in the library, two days a week, and bake a fruit cake every now and then.

A little insight there for you.


Monday, 8 June 2009


One can harldy get around the globe these days without tripping over a nuclear weapon or some sort of secret alien base. Frankly I'm sick of these aliens, they come here and take our cattle and rednecks, who's going to stand up to them? What are our elected evangelists doing about it?

I don't like rednecks, I've never met one but that's not the point. That doesn't make me a biggit, makes you a smartarse. I demand to know how many extra terrestrials live in Belgium. Why is that be a secret? I'd be ok if my neighbours turned out to be lizards in human disguise. I suspect they're actually French but I'm ok with that too.

Aliens eat Penguin meat and eggs, among other things, I've never eaten a penguin but I can tell you that puffin tastes like liver and I think it's similar.

Lizards are a pretty cool bunch, they don't mince around like some animals, they keep still. I like that. I don't care how fucking hot it is, don't hassle me, I do what I do in my own time. I'm going to be a lizard next time out, or the guy who invented tic-tacs.

Can you imagine? If aliens are a hundred times smarter than us, their zoo animals are probably smarter than we are too. They probably take their alien kids to their zoo to see some weird animals sending text messages and the adults will be saying "they only learned to write three generations ago, now they've got mobile phones" and the kids will be saying "what's a mobile phone?", "it's an ancient machine that simulated telepathy or something like that, ask your alien father".

She wouldn't say "alien" father really but then she wouldn't speak English either and they probably don't have nuclear families, they might not even have the whole parent-child concept. I put in those terms to give you a frame of reference. Hollywood does this all time, except they always make aliens evil. Except ET. There's no reason to assume aliens would want to harm us, it's just the American way. Americans don't understand sex so they want to fight everyone.

All I can say is there's nothing civil about war.

Well, that's the garbage out, I'm off to bed.