Monday, 27 October 2008

The Madness of Joliet Jake

Why do people say mad things like "a whale isn't a fish, it's a mammal". Look at it, it's a massive huge fish in the sea, see any giraffes in the sea? no because it's a mammal, stop talking bollocks.

Another classic "a tomato isn't a vegetable, it's a fruit", well take it out of your salad and put it in your cake then. Or better still, shove it up your arse.

Here's a good one "bears are more scared of you than you are of them", that's just horseshit, what the f*ck are you talking about? Have you ever seen a real bear? They're massive with huge teeth and claws.

"the best way to deal with a shark is to punch it on the nose". I think there's a better way, shoot it with a harpoon gun before it gets anywhere near you.

"you shouldn't give money to the homeless they waste it on drugs", that's not a waste actually, they're quiet when they're stoned it's better for everyone.

"A penguin is the only bird that can swim." A penguin isn't a bird, birds have feathers and fly through the air, that's what makes them birds. I know what a bird looks like and that isn't it.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", what kind of garbage is that? I you're standing in a field with a bird in your hand you need to be arrested and/or locked up.

In fact anything at all to do with birds is absolute hogwash, birds are crazy, and so are cats, bats, rats and silly hats.

I'm going back to lunch now, then I'm going to write a report about something, I haven't decided what yet but I've already got a circulation list in mind, it's f*cking huge!



Mrs Pouncer said...

And has anyone ever said to you "a shark doesn't have a penis", meaning male sharks, I suppose. And if they have, is it true? I overheard this yesterday in the haberdashery department of Jackson Freres (Reading) but it seemed indelicate to ask for confirmation. I could google it, I suppose, but I prefer not to.

SpanishGoth said...

Congratulations you twat.

I actually snorted Wodka and Coke OUT of my nose.

That is the funniest thing I have read for a while - seriously.

zoe said...

JJ - what are you on? Because I am in dire need of some of it - I'm in pain. A damsel in distress.

And no, I am not an apple.

Vicus Scurra said...


JolietJake said...

Hello Mrs Pouncer, always nice to meet new people. I haven't discussed sharks penis's with anyone and I can assure you that wasn't me in the haberdashery. I don't know about the Jackson Brothers either but I've heard the Jackson Five are getting back together, even the plastic one.

Thanks Spanish, I've done that a few times to people, I wish I could have seen it.

Zoe, what can I say, life? If you can judge a man by the company he keeps...

VS: Adlington? is that beer? will it mix with my brain medicine?

Richard Bruce Cheney said...

You forgot :
"The meek shall inherit the Earth"
That one always makes me laugh.

JolietJake said...

Hello rbc; you should like my next post, I might do one about you and your cronies one day, all publicity is good publicity right?