Friday, 1 May 2009

Urban Poetry

This one is called: Warm Day

It stinks here,
Chewing gum and petrol,
My feet are too hot in these boots,
I want a cold drink but I've just had one,
I can't think,
Why is it so hot?
It's too hot here,
We can't cope with this heat,
This is a cold country,
Our dogs are barking all day,
Even our sex is shorter now,
I wish it was winter.


Thursday, 30 April 2009

Saints Alive !

That's an odd thing to say, why would anyone say that? It was St George's day last Thursday. George was an English knight who rescued a maiden (virgin) by slaying a dragon. Whoever said Sainthood is bestowed upon the virtuous was talking bollocks. This is why Mother Theresa will never be a saint, she hasn't killed anything in the pursuit of a good shag.

There are some thing's I really love about the church, in some respects it's real good old fashioned boys club, drinking and fighting to the max. But what else happened on this auspicious day? Bearing in ming that St Georges day was last week (the 23rd), here are some top events on this day in history (meaning today, the 30th). No I don't know what the point is, there is no connection:

Willie Nelson was born in 1933
Elvis recorded Jailhouse Rock in 1957 (Presley not Costello, idiot)
Premier of McVicar starring Roger Daltry in 1980
Jesus of Nazareth was crucified in 0030
Darrell Sweet of Nazareth died of a heart attack as they arrived in New Albany for a gig in 1999
Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun committed suicide. They had been married for one day. 1945
Monica Seles was stabbed in the back during a tennis match in Hamburg 1993.

I haven't made up that Nazareth thing, check That was the second coming (Ok, I made up that bit). Spooky isn't it? No? Suit yourself then, what do I care I'm a Heathen.

It's gradually becoming more acceptable to waive flags and prance around on St Georges and why not? Other countries do it, there should be a national holiday in all of Europe. Once the Scottish oil runs out and they finally get independence we'll be able to divest ourselves of the Welsh and Northern Irish and the flags will really come out. England for the English say I. I'm staying put in Belgium though, I don't need to be surrounded by football hooligans and binge drinking teenagers, especially at weekends. Belgium is much more weekend-ish on Saturday's and Sundays, they don't even open the shops on Sunday.

Now that I'm old and can't handle it anymore I've decided that binge drinking is a bad thing. It's not for lack of trying, you can ask Girlfriend, I just can't manage that second bottle of Bacardi every night.

Actually I didn't know Adolf and Eva were even married, I wonder if the marriage was properly consummated? In one day? I would be shame to have died without even having a nibble, for her I mean, I didn't care much for Adolf, shocking temper. Always shouting and stomping around, there's just no need for it is there? We're all under pressure but you just have to get on as best you can don't you?

On that note...


Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Everybody Loves Somebody

I couldn't help my self laughing at Barack Obama taking the oath of office. Of all the things to screw up, only the entire planet was watching.

Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.

If John McCain was a POW doesn't that mean he fucked up and got captured by the enemy? That's what he built his campaign on, loser.

What's wrong with hunting? Millions of animals are slaughtered every day for food, it's ok to electrocute 20 million cattle for burgers but it's not ok to set the dogs on a fox. A fox just a red dog with bad teeth.

What if we set fifty pigs on a human being? Equally deadly but less than electrocuting 20 million cattle. So then why is it illegal for one human to kill another?

It depends on the human. In some countries it's legal to kill sick people if they ask nicely. In some cultures burying dead people is considered a waste of good meat. And some people think they are heroes if they blow themselves up and kill lots of other people, the more the better.

If you got into a fight and killed someone you'd get 20 years for murder, unless it was in a boxing ring, then you get tons of money and talk to that posh chick on tv.

We're not that civilised really are we? There's lots of ways to kill people legally and it's getting worse.

So in the end of it, if I want drive through the tunnel at 150k at 6am it's up to me, there's no one else there at that time, it doesn't matter if there's a law against it. Except that one time the cop followed me to work, luckily I was in a melancholic mood and he didn't catch me doing anything unbecoming.

Well, it's easy to be melancholy at 6am, when you're not really awake. Try being melancholy at midnight in the pub. You'd have to be a goth.

The real reason I don't eat at Burger King is because I think the burgers are full of dead moths, the flame attracts them you know. I'll just go to McBurger's and have that microwaved thing, whatever it is. It's better to microwave them then you know that everything in there is definitely dead. Girlfriends sister doesn't even own a microwave, I thought that odd for a German.

Hmmmmm... I forgot I was going write now. How can you not own a microwave? In this day and age?

Nevermind, I'll think of something later


Monday, 27 April 2009

Time Magazine

You may have noticed that Time Magazine did a piece about this blog. They said "some of the socio-political commentary is truly cutting edge and quite remarkable for someone who isn't a professional journalist". So I decided to reciprocate and have a look at their mag.

What a load of bollocks - you can quote that.

Do you still think this is cutting edge?

Time Magazine is a big fat stinking rotten crusty dinosaur. What were they writing about in the buld up to the biggest recession in like, ever? Al Gore's home movie about Polar Bears stuck on ice bergs. Because they didn't see it coming, unlike that fella who was sacked from RBS for saying "this is a really bad idea", why isn't his face on the front cover of fucking Time fucking Magazine? Embarrassing? Yes it would be.

Why do people still read this crap? It's obvious they have no more insight than that fat bloke down the pub. Now they're writing ad nauseum about the size of the recession and how they cleverly predicted Barack Obama to win the Election and he's going to make history. This seems to be a magazine aimed solely at clueless people who are somehow isolated from the entire world. Here's a revolutionary idea for you Time Magazine people: TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T ALLREADY KNOW!

And please don't write any more articles about how the dinosaurs (your relatives) "might" have died out following a meteor strike, I'm not interested in another fucking crater under the sea off Mexico. I'm sticking to my own theory - they died of syphillis because penis-illin' hadn't been invented.

You can still disseminate information on paper but I'll tell you what; the people who work in the business of shifting critical information aren't doing it like that anymore. They're using fancy blue glowy things that make beepy noises, that's the cutting edge, a memory on a stick and a dual core apple with a shiny lid.

Anyhoot, Time Magazine? No. Time Gentlemen, please.

Next time I'll be talking Cobblers about the slow decline of the shoe mending industry in a piece entitled "Thanks for nothing you bunch of C**ts".