Wednesday, 13 June 2007


JJ calls the helpdesk:

HD: Hello caller how are you today?
JJ : pretty hacked off as it goes, how are you?
HD : good, I am also very well thank you. How may help you today?
JJ : some muppet posted a spice girls song in my comments, two people have already seen it but I need it taken off pronto
HD : what is a "muppet" caller?
JJ : Goth's a f***ing muppet, can you delete his comment?
HD : of course, but what do you mean "Goth"?
JJ : you don't even wanna go there honey
HD : how are you spelling Goth?
JJ : here we go, Golf Oscar Tango Hotel
HD : which hotel is that caller?
JJ : it's not a hotel, i'm just telling you the spelling, H for Hotel
HD : yes but i don't know which hotel you are talking about
JJ : it's not a hotel, Goth ends with Hotel
HD : why? Doesn't it have a place to live?
JJ : yes it does but that's not the point, just look at the comments
HD : there are no comments, you haven't posted this yet
JJ : not this one! the previous one you tit!
HD : oooohh! Look who's uppity? Not getting any?
JJ : you're the second person to ask me that today, what is it? Is it me?
HD : no caller, it's not you it's me, you're a really beautiful person but I need my space (he he hee)
JJ : I don't believe this, are you going to help me or not?
HD : sure i'll help you, there'll be a parcel in the post, plain brown wrapping, har har haaar
JJ : oh you're cracking me up now, you don't really give a monkey's do you?
HD : awwww, ish sho unfair the nashtee liddle lay-dee ish makin' fun o' the biiiig maaan
JJ : piss off, i'll just twat the c**t next time I see him
HD : thank's for calling! Have a nice day!
JJ : bollocks



Empires Fall

I went to one of those past life regression thingo's to figure out why I care about the Labour Leadership so much, some past association perhaps? They run hypnotic regression in the commune building after the population services desk closes at lunch time. For seven euro fifty and two passport pictures you can see one previous life. I don't know what they use the pictures for but I don't think I've had a single visit to the population services that didn't require two passport size pictures.

Even that time I went to complain about the old woman who waits in front of my appartment building every night, "why don't you recognise me petit Pierre? my beautiful grandson?" she's obviously as mad a badger and there's no point even trying to talk to her, she scares me a bit.

Anyway, the past life regression was completely weird. At first I thought I was ill but quickly realised I was some kind of small animal. The eyesight wasn't so good you see, but smell! woah, the place reeked with six or seven big animals and one slightly shorter one, but it seemed I was accustomed to them and they were quite accepting of me. Sometimes they'd just scoop me up off the floor and push their big ugly faces into mine, awful, can't they see how disorienting that is? It was just noise at the time but now I can tell they were calling me Winny, or Wenig Winston.

They were pushing these little props around on a table with lots of lines and colours on it, but when I tried to have a go they snarled and shouted at me. Why do they do that? I know they won't hurt me, so I just back off for a minute and do it again later. The second time I tried it I managed to knock a couple of props off the bottom corner and the shorter animal smacked me on the back of the head with a stick, he's mean. That was over stepping the mark I thought, so I made a mental note to have morning toilet break in his shoes tomorrow.

Then another slightly smaller animal came in and by the way the others all perked up and started nudging each other, I guessed she was female. The whiff was a bit of give away as well. Seemed she was bringing refreshments, for them anyway. But I though my luck was in, a mouse raced across the floor I jumped on it in a flash but it turned out to be horrid stuffed cloth thing that keeps appearing everywhere. I'm sure the people are making it move somehow, if only I could figure it out then I could stop chasing the disgusting thing.

I needed a drink to get rid of the taste but I couldn't have got my face into that narrow glass so I did the obvious thing and knocked it over. Just as I was about to lap up the water, the place erupted, four of the bigger people were grabbing at all the little props and pushing the water onto the floor, while the others put the hands on the their heads and paced about. This was much more fun, then the little guy with the paintbrush moustache came at me screaming, I shot under the table and he knocked the whole thing over. Now they were all waving their arms in the air and running around screaming. That was the most fun we had in there, I ran out of the door and up the stairs but they didn't chase. Odd, they seemed to be enjoying it a minute ago, still very noisy behind the door but I decided not to go back. I was hungry, I get grumpy when I'm hungry and don't want to keep playing.

I went back a few days later, there were only two of them and the female left, it looked as though they'd been cooped up in there all that time. Scratching their heads and still moving the little props around the map, then the little moustache guy saw me and started throwing things at me "diese Bastardkatze töten" he screamed. I made a hasty exit again. The last thing I heard sounded like gunshots so I made a mental note not to go back there.

Well I never did figure out why I feel the need to run my own poll* about the Labour Leadership but at least I learned that Hitler had a cat, who knew? I felt a bit guilty about wrecking his battle plan though, not a very dignified way to lose your status as would-be world conqueror and leader of the Reich. Not my fault though, frankly I wish I'd gone back and pissed in his boots.


*the poll will be removed from the site at the end of June 2007