Thursday, 9 April 2009


Horticulture was one of my favourite lessons at school. I have no interest in gardening but the teacher was real character. I don't think he even liked children, he was just growing his fruit and veg in the school garden, he would have done that happily without us there to annoy him. The kids were all scared of him. I liked him because I wanted to be like him.

It hasn't worked at all, no children are scared of me, ever. I don't think I could ever discipline a child, does that make me immature? Yes it does. I can train a dog though, I love hitting animals. I mean disciplining animals, obviously I would never hit a defenceless animal. But which animals are actually defenceless? Ever been attacked by a cat? You could easily lose an eye or your small change.

A hedgehog? Try slapping a hedgehog, you'll be the loser in that game. A badger might look cute but is actually more viscous than a dog. According to Popeye. Even in the jolly old English garden there are no animals you can willfully slap, punch or kick and get away with it.

I'm not promoting animal abuse, I'm anti-abuse of any kind (except self-abuse), I'm just asking a hypothetical question; "Which animals is it safe to hit?" We should be able to discuss this like sensible adults without resorting to McCarthy-ism.

Poultry? No, geese are used to guard property in some places. I'm not sure sure how dangerous a chicken is but the claws and beak are quite sharp. Even a small dog will bite you, what is it with these animals? What is a two pound dog thinking about when it bites the ankle of a two hundred pound man? "If I get the first bite in, I can win this one"?

Most animals have a clue about the "fight or flight" question, survival strategy, except really small dogs. It messes up the whole evolution thing really, how did small dogs survive in the wild? Why aren't they extinct from attacking larger animals? There, the existence of small aggressive dogs proves Intelligent Design, all hail our Saviour the Flying Spaghetti Monster ! Although I'm still wondering why the FSM would want these creatures, why FSM? WHY?

Anyhow that's enough gardening and science, I'm going outside to punch some chickens. It's really bugging me now, I want to know exactly how dangerous a chicken can be. If I don't post for a while, you'll know why.

That could well be my epitaph, "That's enough gardening and science, I'm going outside to punch some chickens". ...I'll have to think about it.