Saturday, 28 February 2009

Dime Novel: Diem Carpe

Carpe Diem - Seize the Day. That's what Latin teacher's tell you. Latin? wasn't your diem like a million years ago? History teachers always say "nothing is new, read history" Ok, instead of playing Vampire Wars on Facebook I'll read a book about some fat English king who executed his wives, that's equal.

I don't think so, but that's enough from me, here's the Dime Novel.

There was this soup waiter in an Italian restaurant and one day he told the chef his carrot and pumpkin soup looked like puke. Ever seen an Italian chef lose his rag? You don't want to. There's a pizza restaurant near where I used to live and the guy's wife came home one day to find him in bed with another woman, she stabbed him 49 times and went to jail. That's a true story.

But the soup waiter, that's another story. He was living on his own and his pride and joy was this guitar which had been given to him by an ex girlfriend, she acquired it when her ex-boyfriend ditched her and never came back for it. The guitar didn't even have a brand or anything, it seemed almost home made. After the soup waiter lost his job he took the guitar with him to the pub, in the morning, and just sat and played - for his own amusement but the bar owner was really impressed and offered him a gig.

The soup waiter did the gig but on the night he was attacked by a crazy guy who kept saying "you took my baby", turned out he was the ex-boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend. So, the soup waiter ended up in hospital where he fell in love with the breakfast porter, she was way younger than him but she had see through uniform so he could see her panties. Anyway, she had no interest in him so he eventually just walked out of the hospital and went back home.

He went back a couple of times for scans and check-ups but he didn't see the breakfast porter until about 5 years later, he was walking along the street and there she was. They went for a drink and he asked her out but she said she'd met a guy about a year before and moved in with him. They had a cat together.

The soup waiter eventually moved to another city and realised he was going to spend the rest of his life beating himself up because he didn't know what he wanted until it was too late. He had 20:20 hindsight.

Just when he thought he was too old and washed up, he met another woman. He thought she was way too smart for him and would get bored of him quickly but she didn't, he spent the rest of his life trying to make her happy, she always said "I'm already happy just being with you", but he never stopped trying.


Monday, 23 February 2009

Urban Poetry

This one is called: Monthly Payroll Procedure

I need your monthly onions by Friday
Why Friday?
Because that's when they do the payroll
How do you know it's that exact date?
It's the same date every month
But the same date every month isn't a Friday
But the payroll closes on Friday
So the date changes every month?
No, it has to be same date
When is it then?
What date is it on Friday?
I'll have to check
What date does the payroll close?
I don't know
So why do I have to send my onions by Friday?
Because the payroll closes on Friday
Will there be a payroll next month?
Not for you motherfucker.