Saturday, 25 July 2009

London Cockney Ganster Types

"What's the s.p. on this one Charlie? Smack in the seats?"
"Naah, ice in the tank"
"Lovely, tidy job, I 'ate rippin' up the upholstery on a Jag, seems disrespectful in a way"

Tommy was taking delivery of a new smugglers car and was curious to the contents. It seemed this one didn't have heroin sewn into the seats but there were some diamonds in the fuel tank.

"You'll 'ave ter fence these sharpish, some fackin copper was sniffing round the office after the motor"
"Gotcha Charlie, I'll get onter Irish Mick he'll 'ave 'em away as soon as the tank's open"
"Sorted, I'll be in the office"

Charlie alerted Tommy that police were already tracing the stolen vehicle and had been asking at The Golden Lion pub, which they referred to as "The Office". Irish Mick got the name because his dad is Irish, his real name is Jonathan Kitchen.

"oil give yer turty grand and I'm rippin' me arm off so I am be-jesus"
"give it a fackin rest Mick, I know you're from Croydon"
"fack off then, 25 grand"
"I want fifty or I walk"
"fifty? this aint fackin Snatch, smell the fackin cockles Tom"
"It's Tommy to you, Irish, 'ave you even got any fackin money or wot?"
"here's fortee, take or leave it"

Tommy took the readies to the boozer but Charlie wasn't there, on the way out he was jumped by some eastern european types and they snatched the lolly.

"If I find out you had a hand in this Charlie I'll rip your fackin legs off"
"You better simmer down son, I was called away and now I'm down fortee grand and I wanna meet that fackin Irish Mick, pronto"
"Right, the office, five, be there this time"
"Oh I'll be there"


"'allo boys, d'ya have a point loined up fer yer old mate?"
"shut it Mick, we already did that"
"right, who's this then"
"'this' is fackin Charlie who's down fortee grand between you and young Tommy fackface 'ere"
"awright geezer take it easy, we'll sort it"
"I started this morning with 75 grands worth of ice and all I've got now is fackin ball-ache from talking to you two muppets, who's got the green?"
"not me"
"not me"

Then Charlie shot Tommy and a couple of his heavies took Irish outside for a beating, eventually he gave the diamonds back. Turned out Tommy's missus had organised the mugging and had it away to Costa with the fortee grand (and her tennis coach). Charlie was none the wiser but swore he'd find out "get every facker out there to turn over every fackin stone and get my fackin cash back".

He never did get it back.


Monday, 20 July 2009

Chicago House Spider

I was sitting watching my Michael Jackson live in Bucharest DVD when this little spider ran half way across the living room and kicked my on the side of my foot really hard. I said "what the hell was that?"

He said "my web, jackass, you broke my web, Sunday afternoon when you was gettin the hose out to water the hydrangers", I said "oh, so it's you building the web across the shed door every fucking week, can't you see what a stupid place that is for a web? It's a thoroughfare"
"Damned right it's a thoroughfare, that's why I'm there bitch. Flies coming in and out all day I had to fight for that spot, then you come along with your hose, it's because I'm black isn't it?"
"black? All spiders are black"
"but they ain't all got soul, see, I'm a House Spider, it's all here motherfucker" he said putting his little hairy fist to his heart.

Anyway we had a beer and laughed it off, turned out he was into the Eighties Chicago House sound, Def Jam and all that. I've got a couple of those vinyl's, bet you didn't exthpect that. Steve Davis collects vinyl. Nobody exthpected that.

I've got a twitter widget now somewhere along the left hand side of this Blogger. So far I am just twittering on about what I'm doing - when convenient - but it's really tempting to just write silly nonsense on there.

But this is for that, isn't it?