Friday, 2 November 2007

Le Constitution

The You-Are-Peeing Constitution according to John Prescott.

1. The Presidency.

There's no fuckin' way that Nancy Boy Blair is gunna be President, I'm sick of the bloody sight of him and his cheesy grin. I tell you what, I'd love to wipe that grin off his face, he's ruined t' Labour Party, whole thing's a pile of shite now and I'm glad I'm out of it, I was gunna pack it in anyway, bastard.

2. Common Foreign Policy.

'Ow can yer 'ave a Foreign Policy when yer 'aven't got a bleedin' Army? It's common sense innit? So let's start from t' beginnin'. Military Service for everyone at 18 years old, except girls and puffs obviously, we won't need them anymore 'cos we've got more people to choose from. Then we'll build a massive fuck-off army and park it on t' Russian border, how do like that idea Igor? whatever your fuckin' name is.

While we've got the army we might as well invade Norway and Switzerland, they've been mincin' around too long now, if the Brits can sign-up then so can you.

3. Qualified Majority Voting.

Now that there's 27 countries we'll get nowt done if everyone has to agree all t' time, either that or we'll only pass watered down useless laws like American beer, fucking gnat's piss. But we want a strong union with a strong leader, he should be able to over-rule "certain" cuntries (that's deliberate 'cos you know who I'm talking about) if he don't like 'em and it's for the greater good. Someone who's 'ard, maybe an ex-boxer who isn't scared to punch some fuckin' hooligan in the eye even when it's on tv and he's wearing his best Armani suit.

4. Language.

You see how I've wrote title of t'Constitution in French, how hard is that? Instead of "The Constitution" it's "Le Constitution" there's fuck all to it, obviously we'll write everything in proper English and then all the foreigners can translate it into whatever language they speak back home. I've been to Mallorca and fuckin' Ibiza, they all speak English, they love it and you can get egg 'n chips and all day breakfast.

Anyway, if you think I'm writing this bastard out again in French and Spanish you've lost it mate. And as for fuckin' Estonia and Latvia I don't know what language they speak there so just forget it, they'll have to Google the fucker.

5. Common Currency.

I'll tell you sumthin' you aven't thought of, Roman Empire had a common currency and it was bigger than this Union but where is it now? eh? When you use your bank card abroad the money comes out in Euro's anyway so what's the bleedin' point of changing all the money back home? Forget common currency, we don't need it and if the Germans want to go back to using silly coins wi' holes in't middle or whatever, that's their look-out, nowt to do wi' us.

'Ow do you turn this fuckin' spell checker off again? I can't properly proof read this fer all t' squiggly lines.


Hmmm.. Thanks for that JP, is that last line supposed be in the final draft?

Vote JJ for higher taxes and pointless form filling!


(Disclaimer: by 'John Prescott' I mean that fella who sings "Ring of Fire" on the metro to Herman Debroux at 8am every day, not the former deputy cheesey grin).

Sunday, 28 October 2007

Tart Train

It's finally here, the end of Summer(time) is today and we can all be late for work tomorrow morning. How did we place the end of summer in October? October for pete's sake! How bloody optimistic is that? To the best of my recollection we had a good run in April, after that it was patchy at best.

So what's a Tart Train then? Well I had the idea at Sushi Train restaurant, they have a bar with a little track on it and a succession of little dishes runs along the track. One can sit there and pick off as many as one wishes. I thought why not do the same with Mr Kiplings Tarts? It would be much more colourful and the name Tart Train has a better ring to it. Ok, it wasn't Mr Kiplings Tarts I was thinking of, it was the other Tarts, I can't help it, it's the sushi. I smeared it thoroughly with wasabe and soy sauce but the taste and texture still forced it's way onto my tongue. Don't get me wrong, I do like it and I'll eat it again but it just isn't satisfying enough on it's own.

I don't know about you but I've just returned from a fantastic party in Aachen, it's not often one has the opportunity to dance to Thunderstruck at 4am but the chance was there and I took it. Only when I woke up this morning did I realise the clocks went back a 3am so actually I've been foiled, it wasn't 4am it was 3. Bloody government, they ruin everything. At least they've got a government in Germany, here it's still shrugging of shoulders and rolling of eyes. More and more people are saying "tant pis" everything works fine like this, we don't need a government.

That's an idea for my You-Are-Peeing Union election caravan/campaign/train, let's give the EC, the Parliament and Council 6 months off. Then we'll see if the trains still run on time. While they are off they can all learn to play cricket. It is beyond me how anyone can expect to run an administration this size when they don't even play cricket. Where does the sense of fair play and decency come from? eh? Well it doesn't grow on trees but even that's a moot point because you buggers keep cutting them down. You can't build democracy by throwing your little metal balls into a gravel pit! what are you thinking?

You know what else I'm going to have on my election train? Gravy, boats of gravy to fuel my glorious Empire. But before that, I better check how Prescot's getting on with the new Constitution;

JP : I've wrote sumthin' about t'Presidecy and I was gunna do Foriegn Policy next
JJ : Is that it? Come on pick up the pace you lazy fat bastard, it's no wonder you are always the deputy. And Put that gravy boat down we haven't even stood for election yet.

all eyes turn to Gordon Brown
embarassing silence and shuffling of feet
Exit stage left
Curtains close.

Thanks for coming, have a safe journey home.