Friday, 9 January 2009


See, I warned you about Isreal going to the beach for New Year's; see "Snowball in Gaza". They got Tom Tom for Christmas.

What are the Hezbollah up to these days? What does a retired terrorist do anyway? Gardening? seems unlikely. Abu Hamza bought one of those N'espresso machines, it's easier than grinding beans when you've got a hook instead of a hand. On the the other hand he has always been a big fan of George Clooney, can't stand him myself. Ocean's 12 and 13 were just celluloid masturbation in my eyes.

The old border control to Germany was turned into a cafe last month, seems they've finally given up on it. The Swiss still have their border control buildings in tact, probably quite prudent when you're hiding shedloads of Nazi gold and stolen art.

When it comes to internet use though the Mujahideen are just like the rest of us they just want to check their email, write a blog, look at some porn and post a decapitation video on We should explore the things we have in common then we can live together in perfect harmony like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.

So, here's what else we have in common:

1. Pay-as-you-go mobile phones, not only popular with parents of teenagers but also the favoured method of contacting terrorist training camps in Pakistan (sometimes by aforementioned teenagers)

2. Bum bags. Suicide bombers love bum bags as a training tool, "put this on and walk around a bit, get a feel for it". The rest of us use them on holiday to help blend in with the trainees and avoid pick-pockets.

4. MPV's, people waggon's and the like, these are great for family day's out, taking the kids shopping and spot on for making a stupendously huge car bomb.

5. Pot Noodle. How many times have you thought to yourself "bugger, there's nothing in the fridge I'll have to go the nightshop"? only to find a Pot Noodle in the cupboard and saved yourself a possible mugging or some (unpleasant) physical violation. Imagine if you live in cave in Afghanhound, Pot Noodle is a God-send (or "Allah-send").

7. Kinder Surprise. Kinder egg chocolate is really tasty and you get surprise toy inside. Saddam had a massive collection of these toys, he wasn't really a terrorist but we killed him so we'll say he was

8. Guns and Power Tools. I often like to pretend my electric screwdriver is a gun and I'm shooting bad guys with it. I suppose the terrorists fantasise about assembling Ikea furniture using their guns to pretend they've got electric screwdrivers.

10. Humour, of course. A Pakistani calls the suicide helpline and says "I'm depressed, I want to kill myself", the fella at the other end says "Great, can you drive a truck?"

11. Cheating. We're all a bit devilish sometimes, not only am I claiming my list of ten includes 10% Extra Free (number 11) but I missed out 6 and 9. I'll have them later. Ok ok, I missed out 3 too.

None of this is my fault, it's the credit crunch and the great Satan America, they are suppressing my right marry eight women and treat them like slaves and throw shoes at George Camel-Toe-Beaver whatever his name is. Granted I'm not Muslim but if I was knocked over by a bus tomorrow I'd go down swearing allegiance to Allah, if there's even a remote chance of landing 72 virgins I'm hedging bets - the others aren't offering anything better.

I wonder how they arrived at 72 as a suitable reward for giving your life on the battlefield? There's no logic like "one a week" because heaven is eternal, isn't it? Maybe it isn't, maybe eternity is defined as the amount of time it takes to have sex 72 times. And why aren't there any cattle or pieces of gold offered as a reward? And what about British Muslims, you can imagine it "errrm...virgins you say? Could I just have a cup of tea instead?"

It's just not catering to the modern demographic to say "you'll get 72 virgins if you blow yourself up", it's too simplistic, people need choices in this day and age. How about 71 virgins, a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of Jack Daniels? I'm not implying that a woman's virginity is a fair trade for a bottle of hooch and some smokes. Well actually I am implying it but that was not what I meant to do. It's the principle of the deal, ok let's say 50 virgins, a dartboard (and darts), a guitar, a set of golf clubs, six crates of booze and bucket of fried chicken. It's turning into a theological Generation Game. I know that's a bit harsh on the other 22 women but they need to keep their chins up and put best foot forward, you never know, the next martyr might have lower standards, or maybe he doesn't play golf so at least a few will be kept on.

Who am I kidding, the only battlefield I'm likely to die on is the one in our lounge and that's if it's even possible to die of rectal remote control implication (Why can't women watch darts or snooker? I'd really like to know what the problem is but don't tell me now, wait for the commercial break). Well I don't know why it's 72, how do they invent these different religions anyway? That burning bush thing was a clear case of gonorrhoea if ever I saw one, what's that got to do with the four horses of the acropolis? Seems a bit extravagant a place to keep four horses.

I thought Teflon Tony Baloney "the Ryans Giggs of politics" Blair was in charge of the middle east now, he isn't saying much is he? There was a time when we couldn't shut the bugger up.

Anyhow, sorry about prattling on, you should tell me to stop if you need to get away I won't be offended.


Sunday, 4 January 2009

Look, a talking Buddha!

If y'are thinking about trading your pain-in-the-arse Windoze PC for a Mac, make sure you research it first. To help you along, here's some clips from the Apple web-site illustrating the type of issues the users face:

"MacBook restarts when closing the lid", it's supposed to go to sleep. The guy took it back to the shop but it worked perfectly there. The advice, given by another user, was "re-load the OS, but you'll lose all your stuff". Sound familiar?

"The mouse gets stuck for a while... just frozen then after about 30 seconds it moves" but it's so shiny, how can it not work perfectly?

"DVD not playing in domestic machine", fairly straightforward, he loves the iMovie software but the finished DVD's don't play on his DVD player. So, it's just a frisbee maker then isn't it?

"Macbook not sleeping or wakes up with slightest movement - I am sleepless", there were a few like this, planning fifth trip to the shop in ten months. It doesn't seem to occur to him to leave the wretched thing outside the bedroom, never mind. Some of the "Mac Community" aren't terribly bright are they?

"Connecting to Airport". This lady was happily using her wireless internet at home when Apple sent her an update for Airport software. Goodbye internet connection, hello helpdesk. Curiously, one of the users also suggested "re-install OS but you'll lose all your stuff".

"Target Disk Mode, dragging files, can't do singular file, batches always -1". I suspect this user is not a complete novice. But still having problems.

"Orange light means charging but laptop is not charging". The advice given? Try unplugging it, try a new battery or re-install the O/S - this is light years ahead of Windows troubleshooting, I'm referring to Windows 3.1 obviously.

You can find these and other snippets on the official Apple Mac Support Site It would be a cheap shot to say "well if the Apple is so fucking reliable why does it need a helpdesk?", it's clever marketing and shiny lids, that's what sells apples.

So in the end it doesn't matter how much you spend or what you spend it on. The important thing is not to get upset when it doesn't work. For you, "it" will never work.

The Buddha teaches that acceptance is the first step to enlightenment, he's right, it's a step forward, the two steps backwards are for arrogance (me) and the next one forward is humility (you at the typewriter shop), then two steps backwards again for merciless taunting, one step forward for punching an arrogant twat, both take two steps back for brawling in a typewriter shop and finally six steps forward for me for being right about everything all the time and ten steps backwards for you because I said so. I win again.

But that's not all the Buddha teaches, he is also attributed with these delightful pearls of wisdom which have become part of our world culture and heritage:

"You wanted a fucking dog, now take the bastard out for a walk!"
"I fuckin' hate peas"
"Jesus! If you knew the first one was runny why did you crack the second one idiot?" - talking about boiled eggs

oh wait, now that I think of it, it wasn't the Buddha, that was my dad talking. I still remember him sometimes. He isn't dead, but he will be eventually.