Gazputin

See, I warned you about Isreal going to the beach for New Year's; see "Snowball in Gaza". They got Tom Tom for Christmas.

What are the Hezbollah up to these days? What does a retired terrorist do anyway? Gardening? seems unlikely. Abu Hamza bought one of those N'espresso machines, it's easier than grinding beans when you've got a hook instead of a hand. On the the other hand he has always been a big fan of George Clooney, can't stand him myself. Ocean's 12 and 13 were just celluloid masturbation in my eyes.

The old border control to Germany was turned into a cafe last month, seems they've finally given up on it. The Swiss still have their border control buildings in tact, probably quite prudent when you're hiding shedloads of Nazi gold and stolen art.

When it comes to internet use though the Mujahideen are just like the rest of us they just want to check their email, write a blog, look at some porn and post a decapitation video on Al-Jazeera.com. We should explore the things we have in common then we can live together in perfect harmony like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.

So, here's what else we have in common:

1. Pay-as-you-go mobile phones, not only popular with parents of teenagers but also the favoured method of contacting terrorist training camps in Pakistan (sometimes by aforementioned teenagers)

2. Bum bags. Suicide bombers love bum bags as a training tool, "put this on and walk around a bit, get a feel for it". The rest of us use them on holiday to help blend in with the trainees and avoid pick-pockets.

4. MPV's, people waggon's and the like, these are great for family day's out, taking the kids shopping and spot on for making a stupendously huge car bomb.

5. Pot Noodle. How many times have you thought to yourself "bugger, there's nothing in the fridge I'll have to go the nightshop"? only to find a Pot Noodle in the cupboard and saved yourself a possible mugging or some (unpleasant) physical violation. Imagine if you live in cave in Afghanhound, Pot Noodle is a God-send (or "Allah-send").

7. Kinder Surprise. Kinder egg chocolate is really tasty and you get surprise toy inside. Saddam had a massive collection of these toys, he wasn't really a terrorist but we killed him so we'll say he was

8. Guns and Power Tools. I often like to pretend my electric screwdriver is a gun and I'm shooting bad guys with it. I suppose the terrorists fantasise about assembling Ikea furniture using their guns to pretend they've got electric screwdrivers.

10. Humour, of course. A Pakistani calls the suicide helpline and says "I'm depressed, I want to kill myself", the fella at the other end says "Great, can you drive a truck?"

11. Cheating. We're all a bit devilish sometimes, not only am I claiming my list of ten includes 10% Extra Free (number 11) but I missed out 6 and 9. I'll have them later. Ok ok, I missed out 3 too.

None of this is my fault, it's the credit crunch and the great Satan America, they are suppressing my right marry eight women and treat them like slaves and throw shoes at George Camel-Toe-Beaver whatever his name is. Granted I'm not Muslim but if I was knocked over by a bus tomorrow I'd go down swearing allegiance to Allah, if there's even a remote chance of landing 72 virgins I'm hedging bets - the others aren't offering anything better.

I wonder how they arrived at 72 as a suitable reward for giving your life on the battlefield? There's no logic like "one a week" because heaven is eternal, isn't it? Maybe it isn't, maybe eternity is defined as the amount of time it takes to have sex 72 times. And why aren't there any cattle or pieces of gold offered as a reward? And what about British Muslims, you can imagine it "errrm...virgins you say? Could I just have a cup of tea instead?"

It's just not catering to the modern demographic to say "you'll get 72 virgins if you blow yourself up", it's too simplistic, people need choices in this day and age. How about 71 virgins, a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of Jack Daniels? I'm not implying that a woman's virginity is a fair trade for a bottle of hooch and some smokes. Well actually I am implying it but that was not what I meant to do. It's the principle of the deal, ok let's say 50 virgins, a dartboard (and darts), a guitar, a set of golf clubs, six crates of booze and bucket of fried chicken. It's turning into a theological Generation Game. I know that's a bit harsh on the other 22 women but they need to keep their chins up and put best foot forward, you never know, the next martyr might have lower standards, or maybe he doesn't play golf so at least a few will be kept on.

Who am I kidding, the only battlefield I'm likely to die on is the one in our lounge and that's if it's even possible to die of rectal remote control implication (Why can't women watch darts or snooker? I'd really like to know what the problem is but don't tell me now, wait for the commercial break). Well I don't know why it's 72, how do they invent these different religions anyway? That burning bush thing was a clear case of gonorrhoea if ever I saw one, what's that got to do with the four horses of the acropolis? Seems a bit extravagant a place to keep four horses.

I thought Teflon Tony Baloney "the Ryans Giggs of politics" Blair was in charge of the middle east now, he isn't saying much is he? There was a time when we couldn't shut the bugger up.

Anyhow, sorry about prattling on, you should tell me to stop if you need to get away I won't be offended.

JJ