Sunday, 28 December 2008

Snowball in Gaza

Here's more year-end frolics, but before we start put one of these together:


2 parts Advocaat (egg-nog, yellow egg based liquor)
Dash of lime cordial
Dash of orange cordial
6 parts lemonade (schwepps)
Rocket version – add 1 part vodka (ok 2, you naughty boy)

You can use fresh orange and lime, it'll tast less like a Labour Club ladies special.

Now reapeat that three or six times depending on the vodka level, by the end you should be ready to put the world to rights. Read on.

Festive spirit my arse, here are the crappyiest ten things of 2008, notwithstanding any late entries by Cliff Richard and the like:

1. Men's Lifestyle. Yet again this pointless topic has spawned a hundred magazine titles this year, despite liberal access to real porn on the web, the genre baffles me to the point of irretrievable tedium

2. Banks. Barely a day goes by when we don't hear about people losing their jobs, and not one single bank manager among them, not one investment broker, who or where are all those people who brought the worlds economy down? Why aren't the odious mongrels in prison?

3. Diesel fuel. It's costs just as much as petrol, the engines are noisy and smelly, it pollutes more than petrol. Keep it for trucks and buses please.

4. The Future Proof computer. With the advent of the disposable laptop I think the concept of the future proof forward compatible pc is proven to be an unmitigated pigs arse, complete with curly tail.

5. Johnathon Ross. Well it's about bloody time that outrageous charlatan was exposed for the blaggard that he is. Whenever he does make a re-appearance it will be too soon for me.

6. The person who left a long scratch on the boot of my car; you are an unashamed coward, show yourself and collect the thrashing that is due to you, you scoundrel

7. Global Warming. This summer was actually marginally worse than last years appalling effort, that Kyoto mob are an absolute shower, what a scandalous waste of money.

8. News coverage of Religious affairs. If you want a Christian view on current affairs you ask the Archbishop of Canterbury, an eminent well spoken man. If you want the Muslim view you ask that nutter from Finsbury Park with a Hook for a hand. Who decided this is balanced reporting? It's ridiculous, the man is a self proclaimed terrorist!

9. Gordon Brown. Well it would be remiss not have one mention of the unconscionable dullard. This man makes John Major look like a first rate strip show, thoroughly riveting no doubt. Is he still wearing his de-mob suit? For heaven's sake!

10. Sunday Newspaper Magazines. "What you eat is what you are?" for the fifty millionth time will you just bugger off with your half-arsed pseudo science. I'm not going to cry and I'm bloody proud of it, useless bunch of milksops.

Ring in the new year I say and not a minute to bloody soon either!