Friday, 10 October 2008


According to Stephen Hawking's anthropomorphic principle the answer to the question "why are we here?" is "because we are here". As far as I understand it, he is saying that having evolved to the point we are at now, we are now able to ask such complex questions as "why are we here?". See? It's because we are here.

It seems to make sense but it's not very exciting is it? I was hoping for some alien beings to drop by and say "yeeeh, years ago we fired out samples of DNA to different planets in the hope that one would support life so that we could move there when our place becomes uninhabitable. By the way, your tv programs are shit".

Can you imagine aliens, light years away, looking for signs of life saying "fecking East Enders again? Keep looking". That's why aliens don't visit us, they get the tv programs and they're not impressed. I mean there needs to be some compelling reason to cover that amount of distance. Imagine aliens watching Lesbian Hour on Playboy TV, "That's not going to work. It doesn't work like that. They'll go extinct unless we say something about this, they're doing it wrong. It's no use putting your tongue in there you idiot, that's just stupid".

Aliens are lazy, they've got so much technology they just can't be arsed to go anywhere. If I had a spare day to spare I could very easily fill it with guitar playing, game playing, internet surfing, writing this and other stuff. I don't have to leave the house at all. Imagine what it's like for aliens, they have tons more stuff than we do. For aliens to come here is like me going to Charleroi to see what's going on there, I haven't been yet and I've no plans to do so. Besides, I live in Brussels, why should I visit planet Earth at all?

Anyway, how annoying is that for old Stephen Hawking, all that effort to come up with such a simple and elegant answer to one of the biggest questions of all time and the most common response is "so, do you think we'll make contact with aliens?", the answer should be "it's possible but you won't be the one to do it, considering that you can't even see past the end of your fecking nose you tit!", that would sound really cool with his robot voice. I blame society, no one wants to talk anymore, I spend half my day wandering round the office telling people "send me an email, I can't talk now I have to go to a meeting". Ok it's not society, it's me, I'll take the blame for everything ever, happy now?

Yes it's my fault Aliens don't visit and the Second Coming of Christ didn't happen, it's because I refuse to be a slave to email. I switched off the annoying noises and pop-up warnings, I read mail when I'm ready. Sometimes that means I'll get a message like "Second Coming this afternoon, sorry it's short notice but it's the only window for another 2,000 years, await your confirmation, best regards etc." dated the day before yesterday. Feck! We've missed the Second Coming because I didn't read my email! How I'm I going to explain this? Forget it, I'll just delete it and pretend I didn't get it. So what? I was probably going to burn in hell anyway, they can just add this to the list and it's not like I did it on purpose. What about forgiveness eh?

Oh what's the use, butter me up Scotty!


Wednesday, 8 October 2008

St Valentines Day Massace

Valentines day is in February, I don't know which date exactly but the BBC in their infinite wisdom have published this in October. For fear of appearing a nitwit by not understanding this logic, I have simply copied their idea and passed the dilemma on to you. Yes, specifically you, I knew you were going to read this because I have a brainwave scanner I nicked from the CIA, the only way you can stop me reading your thoughts is to cover you head in mayonnaise and baking foil.

BBC News 05 October 2008

Here's my happy marriage secret: avoid romance
By Jemima Lewis

"The good folk at Onepoll, an internet research company, has surveyed 4,000 self-proclaimed "happy couples" in order to unearth the secrets of wedded bliss.

To maintain marital harmony you will need: three romantic gestures a month, two romantic walks, two romantic gifts, three home-cooked romantic meals, one breakfast in bed, two dinner dates, seven cosy nights in, one night apart, one trip to the pub, one to the cinema and six "proper conversations".

You should also clean the entire house three times a month without being asked, and take two holidays a year, plus two short breaks and you should cuddle each other three times a day."

Speaking as a Brit (which I have the option of doing from time to time) I believe the survey company area a shower of buffoons. Although, I can imagine such a formula would work in Switzerland, Austria and another country I can't name for health reasons (it's begins with "G" and German people live there). Perhaps Finland too, maybe southern England and Wales, China, Pakistan, in fact most of the Muslim world (you have to multiply the recipe depending on how many wives you have, or divide it equally, it's up to you). Also, Russia and Baltic States.

Ok, everywhere but Northern England, India, Latin America and the New World (ex Canada).

Curious that we celebrate Halloween night with gusto (my Spanish neighbour) but live in dread of St. Valentines day, shouldn't it be the other way round? The expectation level has long been built up into something mere mortals simply cannot live up to. The solution is to build a level of romance throughout the year that leaves St. Valentines day as an unnecessary but pleasant distraction at best. And the chances of that happening are bugger all or next to bugger all for most people. What then? How do we avoid this annual massacre?

Some have taken an alternate extreme, carefully construct a relationship from day one devoid of all romantic gestures. Never buy flowers or chocolates, not even apology flowers or sorry chocolates. There is the risk of being dumped but either way, you're living in fear and that's the key to a long lasting relationship.

The solution of course, is to cancel St Valentines day, bear with me on this, let me finish. While we're at it we'll cancel all of these old fashioned "theme" holidays, Christmas, Easter, Ascension (I never quite know what I'm supposed to do on Ascension Day so I tend to just wander around in a daze), Armistice, Independence Day and so on. Instead we'll have a neutral public holiday on the first Monday of every month. Then you can decide what you want to do for yourself, have a roast turkey lunch, stuff your partner with chocolates or just wander around in a daze (it's not that funny, civil servants are paid to that, it's a serious career choice for people with limited skills). Also, four of the public holidays will be Car Free Days so you can wander about the streets on your rollerblades and fall over a lot.

As for all that cleaning the house without being asked, what if you have a cleaner who does that anyway? Bit pointless isn't it Jemima? I asked Girlfriend if she would like breakfast in bed once she "no, that's disgusting" and she'll go a pub once in a blue moon, if I made her go every month it would be curtains for me. Three home cooked romantic meals? You're asking me to cut down? Not helping. What exactly constitutes a "proper conversation" then? For her to fully express herself she'll have to speak German and I'd be speaking a mixture of Punjabi and English, that's a ridiculous idea, I ridicule that idea with "my spanish neighbour". I'm going to pour some scorn on that idea too and cover it with baking foil, just for good measure.

"self proclaimed happy couples" are full of crap, not one decent idea between 8,000 people, bloody useless, clear off the lot of you! Go on bugger off!

I'm sure they were doing these surveys ten years ago, I guess they'll still be doing them in ten years time, what's wrong with people? Can't you tell when your partner is horny? Look for the signs; dilated pupils, increased pulse rate, heavy breathing, knickers around ankles, yelping noises, is that so hard?

Ok that's me done, can you finish on your own? I've got an early start, thanks, goodnight.