Wednesday, 8 October 2008

St Valentines Day Massace

Valentines day is in February, I don't know which date exactly but the BBC in their infinite wisdom have published this in October. For fear of appearing a nitwit by not understanding this logic, I have simply copied their idea and passed the dilemma on to you. Yes, specifically you, I knew you were going to read this because I have a brainwave scanner I nicked from the CIA, the only way you can stop me reading your thoughts is to cover you head in mayonnaise and baking foil.

BBC News 05 October 2008

Here's my happy marriage secret: avoid romance
By Jemima Lewis

"The good folk at Onepoll, an internet research company, has surveyed 4,000 self-proclaimed "happy couples" in order to unearth the secrets of wedded bliss.

To maintain marital harmony you will need: three romantic gestures a month, two romantic walks, two romantic gifts, three home-cooked romantic meals, one breakfast in bed, two dinner dates, seven cosy nights in, one night apart, one trip to the pub, one to the cinema and six "proper conversations".

You should also clean the entire house three times a month without being asked, and take two holidays a year, plus two short breaks and you should cuddle each other three times a day."

Speaking as a Brit (which I have the option of doing from time to time) I believe the survey company area a shower of buffoons. Although, I can imagine such a formula would work in Switzerland, Austria and another country I can't name for health reasons (it's begins with "G" and German people live there). Perhaps Finland too, maybe southern England and Wales, China, Pakistan, in fact most of the Muslim world (you have to multiply the recipe depending on how many wives you have, or divide it equally, it's up to you). Also, Russia and Baltic States.

Ok, everywhere but Northern England, India, Latin America and the New World (ex Canada).

Curious that we celebrate Halloween night with gusto (my Spanish neighbour) but live in dread of St. Valentines day, shouldn't it be the other way round? The expectation level has long been built up into something mere mortals simply cannot live up to. The solution is to build a level of romance throughout the year that leaves St. Valentines day as an unnecessary but pleasant distraction at best. And the chances of that happening are bugger all or next to bugger all for most people. What then? How do we avoid this annual massacre?

Some have taken an alternate extreme, carefully construct a relationship from day one devoid of all romantic gestures. Never buy flowers or chocolates, not even apology flowers or sorry chocolates. There is the risk of being dumped but either way, you're living in fear and that's the key to a long lasting relationship.

The solution of course, is to cancel St Valentines day, bear with me on this, let me finish. While we're at it we'll cancel all of these old fashioned "theme" holidays, Christmas, Easter, Ascension (I never quite know what I'm supposed to do on Ascension Day so I tend to just wander around in a daze), Armistice, Independence Day and so on. Instead we'll have a neutral public holiday on the first Monday of every month. Then you can decide what you want to do for yourself, have a roast turkey lunch, stuff your partner with chocolates or just wander around in a daze (it's not that funny, civil servants are paid to that, it's a serious career choice for people with limited skills). Also, four of the public holidays will be Car Free Days so you can wander about the streets on your rollerblades and fall over a lot.

As for all that cleaning the house without being asked, what if you have a cleaner who does that anyway? Bit pointless isn't it Jemima? I asked Girlfriend if she would like breakfast in bed once she "no, that's disgusting" and she'll go a pub once in a blue moon, if I made her go every month it would be curtains for me. Three home cooked romantic meals? You're asking me to cut down? Not helping. What exactly constitutes a "proper conversation" then? For her to fully express herself she'll have to speak German and I'd be speaking a mixture of Punjabi and English, that's a ridiculous idea, I ridicule that idea with "my spanish neighbour". I'm going to pour some scorn on that idea too and cover it with baking foil, just for good measure.

"self proclaimed happy couples" are full of crap, not one decent idea between 8,000 people, bloody useless, clear off the lot of you! Go on bugger off!

I'm sure they were doing these surveys ten years ago, I guess they'll still be doing them in ten years time, what's wrong with people? Can't you tell when your partner is horny? Look for the signs; dilated pupils, increased pulse rate, heavy breathing, knickers around ankles, yelping noises, is that so hard?

Ok that's me done, can you finish on your own? I've got an early start, thanks, goodnight.

JJ

4 comments:

Aku said...

That's it! Finnish men don't conversate. That's why we're a country of failed marriages!

Honey said...

gee thanks now I know why my marriage broke up

don't cancel valentines day it's the only thing I'm looking forward too, I'm going to hand out cards on the street

not

zoe said...

Fuck me sideways with a chainsaw - I NEED St Vals day - every two years my 'beloved' renews my domain name (and I renew his PE subscription), and every five years he renews my coil (he's THAT scared of fathering a child that he'd know about).

So... can I have that one back.

Pretty please?

JolietJake said...

Blimey! a revolution, ok, ok, we'll keep valentines day. I spent ages working out this idea, I guess it's back to droopy flowers and heart shaped chocolates then. I'll never understand you lot