Friday, 17 October 2008

Continuity Announcment

For those who don't pay attention to these things, for shame, I'll point out the new links in my list. I'm quite particular about my list, it's shorter than most and I go to quite a lot of trouble to filter out the riff-raff so I think you should make the effort to look at these:

Publog - great for expats, it's just like being in a pub in the old country

Belgian Waffle - quite entertainingly funny, if nothing else you have to read this post about vegetables.

Strawberries Champagne - this is very nicely done, just have look for pete's sake thats all I'm asking

Errr, yeh, that's it.


Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Environment Mental

Here's how it's going to be, so get wise and listen to that voice in your head (it's you reading my blog). All these people driving about in their gas guzzling cars with three or four empty seats are going become pariahs. I don't mean the little fish with really sharp teeth. It's going the same way as smoking, being on your own in a car will become an anti-social thing, ie. only Belgians will want to do it. Cars will no longer be owned by individuals at all, they will be owned by groups.

The cars will drive themselves with speaking GPS gadgets, they'll pick up and drop off people and then park themselves somewhere out of the way. And the speaking gps will say things like "how was your day? I've had a fucking nightmare, the traffic on the outer ring was a right bastard and then I couldn't find a parking spot for love nor money".

In the future we will be able to have a nice walk in the park and not be harrased by ducks begging for bread and threatening us with tasers. We had a lovely duck breast dinner recently with some freinds, I laughed myself to sleep afterwards, "not so tough when you're under the grill eh donald? Ha hahaaa".

The cats have been playing on my car, they've left muddy footprints all over it. Well take note little feline Salman Rushdies, I've got a brand new Driver (it's a golf club) and I'm just waiting for the chance to use it. Is it just me or does anyone else think Salman Rushdie looks like he's been whacked in the face with a driver.

It's rather convenient isn't it that cats don't have finger prints, I'd have caught them by now. Do any animals have fingerprints? Dogs have nose prints, they should be made to carry ID cards if they don't have prints, that's Gordon Brown logic. ID Cards to fight terrorism, ID cards will stop the cats playing on my car.

Imagine if fish had fingerprints they would be fishfingerprints, it's rare we get the opportunity to stick words together like that in English. The Germans are fluent at it, the downside is of course that they have a very tiny vocabulary and small dictionaries. Saucepan is another one, was this really invented just to make Sauce? Was there a time in English history when people needed so much sauce that someone invented this pan especially and marketed it as mass consumer product? Imagine doing that now, invent a friedchickenpan and see how many people buy it. Actually people probably would buy it, they buy any old rubbish these days.

I get really annoyed when I'm a watching a cookery program and they have some top chef saying things like "this is such a good cut of meat all we need to do is simply pan fry it lightly and let the flavours come out on their own". I'm not watching your program to see you put a piece of chicken in a frying pan, I can already do that. Do something creative, teach me something and stop being a pretentious tosser. Imagine if I went to the executive board and said "the new corporate website is on Facebook, it's beauty is it's simplicity". They'd hand me my dick on a plate. Lightly pan fried probably, they have a very dry sense of humour.

Yep, the environment is here to stay. Unless we can pull out the whole thing and put in a new one (see New Scientist in August). If that happens, the new version should have less oxygen in the middle eastern area, calm them down a bit. And we could swap modern Texas with South Africa from the seventies just to see if anyone notices.

I have nothing against South Africans, it's comforting to know that if I ever need a drunken bigot with army training I know exactly where to find one. Same applies to Texas and any country with military service. Imagine how many Mexicans would be living in Texas if there was no oil there. I'll tell you what, there would'nt be any Mexicans living in Mexico that's for sure.