Thursday, 26 June 2008

KickBladder 6: Sausage or Election?

Turkish delight is one of those "love it or hate it" things, I have it sometimes but I don't go out of my way for it. I can "take it or leave it" in the end, like avocado. What I do like though is a good meaty German Sausage, with some sourkrout to boot. This difference in culinary emphasis was demonstrated delightfully in the German defeat of the vengeful Turks last night by a narrow three to two. From where I was sitting the Germans were never really struggling. Incidentally, I was sitting in Kitty O'Sheas, Paris and quite proud I found it.

Today it was Paella versus Borst. Borst is a beetroot soup loved by Russians and other people of that ilk. I had some in a Russian restaurant in Helsinki once, I quite liked it. The last time I had paella was in Barcelona, it was going quite well until I got to the bottom of the dish and found a little crab sitting there. It was dead but it was looking at me accusingly. I was informed that I should "take it's top off and scoop the insides out" at which point I informed the informant "not bloody likely" and had it away on my toes. In the end the Spaniards won by three to nil but I might still go for the Borst next time.

So, tomorrow is the big day, Robert Mugabe will stand in the presedential run-off against the other fella. The other fella said he'd withdrawn but Bob said he wanted that in writing and I haven't seen a report of a writted withdrawal yet. Yeeh the Zimbabwean election is relevant here because "we europeans" love voting on things don't we? Government, constitution, treaty, it's all good. I was tending to go against Bob in this one because of the raping and murdering but then I thought well, which world leader doesn't dabble in a bit of random violence whether it's at home or abroad? There was the Dalia Farmer in Tibet but he's been shut out for ages now. Anyway, old Bob made a super speech today, "the demons at number 10 downing must be exorcised", spot on. Granted his motives are a bit iffy and I wouldn't go so far as to call Gordon a demon, a git maybe, but demon is bit strong. I wouldn't credit him with that much cunning.

Interestingly, Bob says he likes the British people and he's a fan of the Queen, less keen on the Archbisop of Canterbury though, again I agree with him on all those points. He's obvioulsy put some thought into it, after this one he should stand in the American election, it would be a smooth transition from Dubya, a fellow fruit loop. I'd like to hear Bob's views on Beetroot Soup and Paella, I'm not sure about those things and I haven't heard any convincing arguments in favour of each. But in the end I think Wurst and Sourkrout will beat them all.

Gordon, in the meantime, has found a use for all that wind he's blowing accross the land. Windmill's, brilliant, more beans all round. I'm not convinced the Saudi's are going to fund them but Gordon got a free trip out of it so fair play to him. It's his one year in power now and it's nice of him to have an idea because people were accusing him of not having one. The thing about Gordon is you couldn't accuse him of standing on good looks and flashy personality but then you can't accuse him of standing on anything, because he didn't. Interesting that he feels able to denounce Bob's "one man standing" election, isn't it better than no election? Or am I being hard on Gordon? Probably, but then he was the one who wanted to be leader now he has to take the beatings.

Gordon is right to strip Bob of his knighthood (there are too many Bob's with knighthoods) and refuse to play cricket with him. I'm going to phone Pizza Hut and send one to his house at 2am, not even a nice one and no chicken wings, I think he'll get the message.

Bob's house not Gordon's house, Gordon doesn't sleep anyway anymore he'd just pay the man and eat the pizza. But I do sleep and that's I'm going to do now.



Monday, 23 June 2008

KickBladder 5 : Toil and Trouble

How much more of this is there for heavens sake? The Game is bad enough with all that rolling about on the floor wailing and gnashing of teeth but why do we have to have all this drivel around it? I'll tell you why; because of society. Society has got a lot to answer for. If people stop writing rubbish then people will stop reading rubbish, but as long as people keep reading it, other people will keep writing it. What is wrong with people? And it's always 'them', they can't drive on motorways, they can't parallel park, they buy tabloids, drink the cheap beer, pay ridiculous prices for replica football shirts, not to mention package holidays, creases in jeans, overpriced mangoes, disgusting take-away food and hair gel, where will it end? We're all going to hell in a handcart and the only thing we can think about is "will there be a meal? perhaps I should bring something just in case" Don't bother, because for most people it's a pretty short trip, I'm just taking some water.

That's better, now back to the staple; It's been so long since Italy did anything that didn't smack of corruption that it's just part of their make up now. If they aren't cheating they just wouldn't know what else to do, play The Game? "How do you do that then?". I think they can comprehend losing but they are baffled as to why they didn't get any penalties during the game. On the other hand the French can walk off with yet another Gallic shrug, "we had the best team but we played badly and lost, what's for dinner?". The Dutch could argue they had the best team but there's nothing funny about being Dutch and the Portugese will certainly argue they had the best team but they can't argue about their cheating. It was really poor quality cheating. The Italians must have had a good laugh at Ronaldo's attempts to buy free kicks, he's a good cheat by English standards but he isn't quite up to European level just yet.

The Germans just carry on oblivious to everything, they could be playing against a herd of wildebeest and they'd still keep the same formation and win one - nil. The vengeful Turks overturned the Croats who walked off the pitch in tears. Again, what is it with footballers and crying? Are they still trying to be "New Man"? That stuff is finished, I believe we are back to the stiff upper lip and best foot forward, which is the proper conduct for a Gentleman. Ahhh, there you go, "Gentlemen" don't play football, they play Cricket, with the obvious exception of Pakistan. Scratching their balls with bottle tops is no behaviour for a cricket pitch or any field of sport. We haven't forgotten Bob Woolmer you know, we're watching you.

So, the answer is there are three games left. The Germans are now required to dispatch the vengeful Turks and then face the Russians or Spanish, most likely the Russians. In the meantime, the Zimbabwean opposition leader has gone into hiding in the Dutch embassy and Gordon Brown has gone to Jeddah to convince Obi Wan Kanobe to invest in British Nuclear Energy, bloody idiot. Sarkozy is trying to convice us that Peter Mandelson coerced the Irish to vote "No", proving that the age of the barmy, ranting short-arse is far from over. I'm not sure how the Belgian Election worked out, it's been over a year now and I remember an interim government being appointed but it's been quiet since. Maybe we should check the Dutch embassy to see if they're hiding anything else. All in all there's a lot bubbling under the surface but a watched pot never boils. The second you take your eye off the ball, it's all going to kick off. Like a coiled spring waiting to pounce like a cat on the prowl.

See, it's garbage, stop reading it, stop now.

Stop it.


For Pete's sake, give it a rest.


There's no more, I've already signed it twice, bugger off!