Jesus came to visit me yesterday. Actually he didn't want to see me, he just wanted to see my appartment. The thing of it is I'm moving, I'm going to live in a big house with a woman.
Anyway, Jesus seemed like a happy chap, laughing and joking, he brought his girlfriend, Elisabeth. She seemed nice too. They were both very laughing and jokey types, a bit annoying actually. I can see why they nailed him to a cross last time, annoying fucker, no one can be that happy all the time, it just gets on your tits. He thought the flat would be rented out furnished, I was flattered but I had to disappoint him. Elisabeth asked if he could buy some of the furniture, I was even more flattered, it's not often women offer me money for furniture.
That was all true, a fella called Jesus really did come around and his girlfriend is called Elisabeth, but now I'm going to make some stuff up for entertainment purposes.
So I said to Jesus "Is your middle name really Harold? Doesn't seem very Jewish", he said "No it's not and anyway what kind of a dumbass name is Joliet Jake?" I said "It's from the Blues Brothers you muppet, as in Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues"
JC: Muppet? You can't call me a muppet, I am impotent
JJ: I think you mean omnipotent
JC: I don't like you
JJ: What are you going to do? Tell your dad?
JC: What if I do? You won't be laughing then
JJ: Is it true you were shagging Mary Magdelene the hooker
JC: She was not a hooker! She was a decent girl and she was my disciple
Elisabeth: You were with a hooker?!
JC: She was not a hooker! don't listen to him
JJ: So what Harold, you shagged a hooker, admit it, be a man, "confess"
JC: I didn't shag a hooker! I mean she wasn't a hooker and stop calling me Harold
JJ: I'll stop calling you Harold if you admit Mary was a prozzie and you porked her
JC: You are one annoying motherf*cker has anyone told you that?!
JJ: One or two people have mentioned it Harold
JC: Stop it! :(
JJ: Did you shag her?
JC: Ok, Ok, she was a hooker and I shagged her and she had my baby and James was my twin brother and I am the legitimate King of Isreal descended from David and not the son of a poor carpenter, ok? Happy now
JJ: Yeeeeh I thought as much
Elisabeth: What? You slept with a hooker?
JC: For f*ck's sake woman, didn't you hear what I just said? I'm the legitimate King of Isreal!
Elisabeth: I can't believe you were unfaithful to me
JC: That was two thousand years ago you cloth eared bint!
JJ: Oh, I know that line it's from Fawlty Towers
JC: Yeh, I love that but they're not showing them anymore
JJ: I've got the whole set on DVD, you can watch some if you want
JC: Really? don't you mind?
JJ: No, I had nothing planned and I haven't seen them for ages, I'll put the kettle on
JC: Excellent, have you got any biscuits?
JJ: I've only got Jacob's Cream Crackers :)
JC: Oh very bleedin' funny
Elisabeth: I don't believe this, I find out you've been shagging a tart and now you're just going to watch telly? :/
JJ: Get over it love, you're just making a fool of yourself now
Elisabeth: Are you going to let him talk to me like that? :/
JC: Sorry Bet, you know how I like Fawlty Towers I'm stuck between two stools here
Elisabeth: It's a rock and a hard place, you really are a muppet Harold, I'm going home
JJ: I'll walk you out. If you decide to 'knock it on the head' with JC, pop round, you know where I live now ;)
Elisabeth: You are a scoundrel JJ. When are you moving?
JJ: two weeks
Elisabeth: How about wednesday then?
JJ: Nah, that's badminton night :(
JJ: I'm starting my drumming lessons on Thursday
Elisabeth: Friday then? is Friday ok? :|
JJ: Yeh alright, see you then :x
I went back inside and sat down
JC: aren't you forgetting something?
JC: tea? biscuits?
JJ: Oh, yeh
couple of minutes later
JJ: that's better, we can watch a couple of episodes now
JC: you were hitting on my girlfriend isn't it? :|
JJ: yeh, do you mind? :}
JC: I do actually but I think she'll dump me anyway after you spilled the Mary thing
JJ: Sorry about that, I was just curious after all that Holy Blood and Holy Grail stuff
JC: it's ok, there's plenty more fish in the sea :)
JJ: :D good one, fishing is a biblical thing right?
JC: yeeh, fishing, baking, carpentry, wine-making it's all in there
JJ: how did you feed those five thousand people with five loaves and fish?
JC: easy, you just have to slice it very thin
JJ: so it was just a cheap trick?
JC: well that's a bit harsh, in those days we pulled a lot of stunts, it was what people wanted
JJ: walking on water?
JC: walking on turtles, they were on marijuana to stop them moving too much
JJ: raising the dead?
JC: Lazarus? he wasn't dead, he was a paid actor
JJ: that's pretty mercenary
JC: what was I supposed to do? Pony card tricks might work for Paul Daniels but no one believes he is the son of God do they?
JJ: what about the second coming then? Armageddon and all that? :?
JC: Yeeh, that's what I'm supposed to be doing now but I just haven't got round to it yet, moving house is a stressful do
JJ: when are you going to do it then?
JC: dunno yet, I might not do it, it's hard work organising an Armageddon. Earth is different now, when we said all that stuff in Revelations there were only half a million people on the planet, there are over six billion now, there's too many
JJ: there are too many
JC: what? :o
JJ: it's not "there's too many people" it's "there are too many people"
JC: what-evver! :/
JJ: so what are you going to do then if you don't have Armageddon :|
JC: I've applied for a job in the European Commission
JJ: which DG?
JC: well, fish obviously
JJ: again with the fish? don't you fancy a change?
JC: what else can I do? Transport? Admin?
JJ: why not Admin? anyone can do that
JC: I'll think about it
JJ: Don't you want to go back to Isreal?
JC: Naaah, been there done that
JJ: what about your people? they're waiting for you
JC: they don't need me, they've got Tony Blair now, :D
JJ: yeeh good one, Tony Blair. Have you heard the Jackson Five are getting back together?
JC: Yeeh, what a joke, it was cute when Michael was five years old, they'll just look like a bunch of old freaks now :|
JJ: not a fan then?
JC: nah, Motown isn't really my scene, I'm into Elvis and Sinatra
JJ: How are they?
JC: they're good, they just did a record together, Sinatra plays the Djembe now as well :)
JJ: Jesus, everyone's playing Djembe now. Don't tell me he learned it on holiday in Africa
JC: well, we don't have African holidays in heaven but yes, something like that. Errmm, would you mind not taking my name in vain like that
JJ: Oh sorry, force of habit
JC: You are forgiven
JJ: Jesus you're serious about that shit :\
JC: don't push it :/
JJ: sorry again, I am a heathen after all, or is gentile?
JC: I thinks it's the same, but I don't have to forgive you know, I can still smite you :/
JJ: I don't even know what that means
JC: nor do I actually, but I'm pretty sure dad knows, old people love all that
JJ: I don't talk to my dad since he and mom broke up
JC: I know
JJ: smartarse, you don't know everything :/
JC: test me
JJ: What was on the flipside of the first Lawnmower Death album?
JC: Metal Duck
JJ: oh piss off wiseguy!
JC: I think I will anyway, thanks for the tea and the Fawlty Towers. I should get over to Bet's place and see if she's ok
JJ: say hi from me ;/
JC: you really want to incur some wrath don't you?
JJ: bring it on big boy
JC: Oh shut up, I'm going
JJ: see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
JC: goodbye. (silly twat)
JJ: I heard that! :/
Hmmmm.... I could've asked him the lottery numbers, bugger it! :/