Monday, 24 November 2008

The Dragon's Toilet

I don't like those dry Dragon's Den people on BBC2, I don't like them one bit. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't invest in my ideas either, they're not my kind of people. So I'm going to put my business ideas here:

Alchoholic Counsellors. Things getting you down? Can't sleep, can't handle your crappy relationship. Fuck therapy, meet one of our guys, get smashed and forget everything. I started this business a long time ago but everytime there were problems I put myself in Alchoholic Counselling and so I got nothing done for fifteen years.

Cannabis Counsellors. It like Alchoholic Counsellors but for the unemployed / unemployable or anyone else who doesn't really have to get of bed.

Gambling Insurance. Wouldn't it be great if you could buy a policy to cover your gambling debts? Well you can but it will first require an act of parliament to make Gambling Insurance mandatory for everyone who has access to gambling facilities (that's everyone), then it just turns into a huge money carousel with the Insurance company skimming a few percent and getting filthy rich. Just like motor insurance, or any form of banking.

Transplant Carousel. This requires two closely related people, twins are best and a "house" doctor. You can take out and sell three kidneys between the two people and pocket pure profit, the people would then take turns "having the remaining kidney". One stays on a dialysis machine for a few weeks while the other one lives it up with his share of the cash, then they swap. You can do this with many organs, eyes, hands etc. Obviously the doctor is working in the health service so you get all the equipment you need but you'll have to pay him off. Eventually it'll be like buying timeshare's in bodies, you could sell all of your own parts except your brain and keep moving from body to body. You could be the woman next door one month and then you could be her lesbian lover the following month. Obviously once this takes off the holiday business will take a nose dive so you'll want to sell those Jihad Group Adventures shares.

Surrogate Tarot. It's a deck of tarot cards that doesn't tell your future, it tells you someone else's future. What use is that? Make a list of the women (or men) you would like to have a go at if they were available, and Surrogate Tarot will tell you if and when they will become available. You get first dibs on all the action. If you get bored of that you can play tricks on your neighbours like ring their front doorbell when they're in the shower.

Endless Water Supply. Instead of buying bottles of water every week and lugging it into your house, USE THE TAP IN THE KITCHEN! Isn't that what we were all brought up on? What happened, did they start putting arsenic in the tap water? Ok this is not really a business idea, it's just something I think about. Especially when it's raining. Rain makes me go to the toilet more and I'm scared of eating fish because there might be a bone it and I'll choke to death. When I do eat fish it's the same rush as some people get from bungee jumping or jumping off a skyscraper with a parachute. When I'm eating it I get really scared and want to stop but at the end I always say "let's do it again!", that's also how I equate sex to eating cheap fillet.

Here's a couple of quick ones that need development yet. The Norman Bates Shower Curtain with patented easy-clean system. And the Deep Dry Cleaning Home Kit "for when those things just have to pass a forensic test and quickly", eliminates DNA traces.

That's all there is for now, the important lesson to learn about running your own business is you should try to get millions of people depending on you, so if you screw up the government will bale you out. A government bale out is one of the best networking opportunities you'll get and networking is a great way to avoid actual work.

In the meantime I've told my loving employer I'm going to reduce my output to match my salary, he thought I was joking.


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