Friday, 3 October 2008

Country File

Now that Russia have re-joined the war-mongering bastards business many countries will be able to sigh a huge sigh of relief. The US will be distracted from their current monoply on the attacking smaller countries business and there will be more competition in the arms trade so really poor countries can get cheap weapons more easily.

Nickerless Sarkozy has backed his prime minister's suggestion to teach English to the great unwashed and it's about bloody time. They should start with all the good words like "shit, bollocks, piss" etc. get it out of the way so the students can concentrate. They'll need those words anyway if they're going to continue this mediation between Russia and America. That was a smart move by Stumpy, that gig will keep him firmly in the limelight.

Meanwhile the Georgian boss admittted he screwed up by trying to trick the world into ganging up on Russia, and Russia rightly whipped his ass. The Pakistan bosses are in completely over their heads, the army is running around like a bunch of Americans and the people are facing massive inflation. Once they get used to equating inflation with democracy they'll be happy to welcome the next military coup which is, you heard it here first, predicted for the third quarter of 2009.

Third quarter 2008 results from America are a disgrace, it seems the entire economy is built on the principle that if you lend money to people who can't afford to pay it back you can hit them with penalties continously, keep them in debt and get rich yourself. Incredibly, the British government are saying they will do something about the uncontrolled greed of the banks and we can trust them to take care of it, do they still believe our only source of news is their press releases? From here Gordon Bennett looks more and more like a starving poodle. Correction, that should be "Brown" and "Lap Dog".

Turkey is still optimistic of joining the EU, they sent their application in 1987. While they've been waiting a whole raft of Soviet Union countries have made the leap. I wonder what the problem is with Turkey, maybe they didn't fill in the forms properly, forms can be tricky like that. One time I was going to Australia I put the Date where I should have put Date of Birth, only the date had moved on one while we were in the air. The customs guy jumped on the chance; "were you really born yesterday?", he loved it, Australians are funny but that bloke was a fuckwit, I gifted him that opportunity. I bet something like that happened to Turkey's application to join the EU. Or maybe they didn't enclose two photo's for ID.

Northern Ireland have announced plans to abolish prescription charges, a measure that some less popular leaders could learn from - give them free drugs, yay. Irish banks have declared 100% guarantees for savers, in a move to stave off the global credit munchies. English banks replied "so, where they have branches in England it would make sense for the savers to move all the money to Irish banks. We're screwed, thanks Irish Government you bunch of bastards"

Uganda has re-declared independence, apparently there was a clerical error, technically it was still a British colony because someone forgot to send the pink copy back to sales ledger. The Queen could have had tons of free holidays there but it's too late now. A spokesman for the royal family said "Bugger!". Australian news reported an increase in the Queens expenses leading to speculation (by me) that Aussies will have another referendum and depose her majesty in the third quarter of 2009, if this credit gets any crunchier.

In the meantime India has reached an agreement in principle with France to buy nuclear reactor technology leading to the conclusion that building nuclear reactors for civil purposes is not a pre-requisite for making weapons. India has had nuclear weapons for some time. Now, will the Americans say to Iran and North Korea "you can build all the reactors you want because if you haven't got nuclear weapons already this won't help you"? No, that's not how international diplomacy works. They way international diplomacy works is like this "write me a list of every country that's got oil or a Chinese border and then wake up the army, oh and get someone to handle the PR", "I know there's a credit crunch, that's because we've lent money to everyone, there's no one left so we have to shake it all up and start again otherwise people will start saving instead of borrowing and then we can't get richer. Don't worry about the banks, the top people already have more than enough money to retire on, they'll ride this out comfortably. The poor people will lose their jobs but they're already poor so they don't really mind.". This is why Jesus turned over the money lenders tables. Banks are moneylenders, see?

Bangladesh claimed the record for the most flooded country in the world, the bosses were reported to have said "we don't even watch CNN anymore, it's fucking depressing. You like this suit? I got it from Armani shop, it's Italian". The tourism board of Port Stanley (Falkland Islands) reported a 150% increase in the first half of 2008 compared to 2007, they had ten visitors in all. A spokesman for the privy council said "we would have had more but Sheryl couldn't come because her sister's cat died". A spokescat for the cat council said "I don't believe you people, I've been waiting for years for someone to ask my opinion on global issues and you come to me with this? Fuck Sheryl, fuck Sheryl's sister and fuck Sheryl's sister's fucking cat! Now take your things and get the hell out of my house, dumb jackass motherfucker".

That's an angry cat.

Well, that concludes the international news this week, there's no sports or weather and there won't be any weather tomorrow either. Goodnight


Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Human Beans

I'd given up blogging when I turned forty but that was the week before last and when I came home today I noticed a smell of Pot Noodle in the elevator and I thought "I could've wrote that on my blog", it was unusual because I don't normally take the elevator. I didn't really give up, I just let the last one ride because it was soooo long I thought some people might need more time to read it. Anyway, Human Beans:

How many Humans does it take to make a Bean? We all know that Beans are good but they're quite small, humans on the other hand are quite big but they're really not good at all. There probably isn't one species of plant or animal in existence that hasn't been killed and/or eaten by a Human. That includes about 80 million species of insects you've never heard of but I know that Chinese people are roasting those things on skewers for fast food. You can get a medium happy meal for two roast scorpion brochette in downtown Shanghai.

So, how many good people are there to make beans? Let's say out of all of us there's at least some vegetarians in India, and a handful of pacifists in Tibet (let's pretend Tibet still exists as a country, for Hollywood's sake) out of a combined population of a billion and something I reckon that leaves 750 million good guys. MacDonalds in Delhi doesn't sell beef but it still sells chicken and fish so who's eating that? There are not 1.1 billion vegetarians in India, some of them are lying and some are Muslim so they eat Halal meat. Ever tried to catch a Halal? It's as fast as a hairless cat covered in love jelly. It's no wonder the Muslims are so pissed off all the time and really hate vegetarian Indians and pork eating Americans.

Ok, a bean is is mostly protien and carbohydrate but the Human is 60% water so that leaves 300M humans, if you strip out the bone that leaves about 200M. At this stage we have to concede that hair, eyes, finger nails, anus, penis, clitoris, labia, testicles, nipples, brains and intestines (plus contents) are mostly protein and fat so we'll keep those because if we were making a burger we'd apply the same logic. So you take 300M dehydrated Indians, including a few Chinese, and you boil them until soft, fry them over a medium heat, mash them up, add seasoning and fry again. There you have it, (Refried) Human Beans.

Now all you have to do is reduce the entire animal kingdom to a huge kebab, which isn't really a stretch because who know's what that elephant-leg-on-a-rotating-skewer is made of anyway? Just put a couple of hundred of those together then get a statium of cats to spew up some guacamole and serve.

Tex Mex? Oh dear, someone's bean at the ZZ Top records again.

You know that brown-yellow liquid in your vomit? That's your DNA. That's how it was discovered, two nerds had a night on the piss. That's when all the best ideas come out.

Next week Sea Food; Sea Cucumber Sandwiches, Crab Nebula Salad and a huge fish finger made of lobster's juicy bits.

Have a good one.