Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Human Beans

I'd given up blogging when I turned forty but that was the week before last and when I came home today I noticed a smell of Pot Noodle in the elevator and I thought "I could've wrote that on my blog", it was unusual because I don't normally take the elevator. I didn't really give up, I just let the last one ride because it was soooo long I thought some people might need more time to read it. Anyway, Human Beans:

How many Humans does it take to make a Bean? We all know that Beans are good but they're quite small, humans on the other hand are quite big but they're really not good at all. There probably isn't one species of plant or animal in existence that hasn't been killed and/or eaten by a Human. That includes about 80 million species of insects you've never heard of but I know that Chinese people are roasting those things on skewers for fast food. You can get a medium happy meal for two roast scorpion brochette in downtown Shanghai.

So, how many good people are there to make beans? Let's say out of all of us there's at least some vegetarians in India, and a handful of pacifists in Tibet (let's pretend Tibet still exists as a country, for Hollywood's sake) out of a combined population of a billion and something I reckon that leaves 750 million good guys. MacDonalds in Delhi doesn't sell beef but it still sells chicken and fish so who's eating that? There are not 1.1 billion vegetarians in India, some of them are lying and some are Muslim so they eat Halal meat. Ever tried to catch a Halal? It's as fast as a hairless cat covered in love jelly. It's no wonder the Muslims are so pissed off all the time and really hate vegetarian Indians and pork eating Americans.

Ok, a bean is is mostly protien and carbohydrate but the Human is 60% water so that leaves 300M humans, if you strip out the bone that leaves about 200M. At this stage we have to concede that hair, eyes, finger nails, anus, penis, clitoris, labia, testicles, nipples, brains and intestines (plus contents) are mostly protein and fat so we'll keep those because if we were making a burger we'd apply the same logic. So you take 300M dehydrated Indians, including a few Chinese, and you boil them until soft, fry them over a medium heat, mash them up, add seasoning and fry again. There you have it, (Refried) Human Beans.

Now all you have to do is reduce the entire animal kingdom to a huge kebab, which isn't really a stretch because who know's what that elephant-leg-on-a-rotating-skewer is made of anyway? Just put a couple of hundred of those together then get a statium of cats to spew up some guacamole and serve.

Tex Mex? Oh dear, someone's bean at the ZZ Top records again.

You know that brown-yellow liquid in your vomit? That's your DNA. That's how it was discovered, two nerds had a night on the piss. That's when all the best ideas come out.

Next week Sea Food; Sea Cucumber Sandwiches, Crab Nebula Salad and a huge fish finger made of lobster's juicy bits.

Have a good one.



Scouse Doris said...

Right then. I'll just go and have my lunch!

Mr Farty said...

Thanks for reminding me what goes into a Big Mac. Check please!

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Awww Jake, you promised you wouldn't give away my secret recipe!

JolietJake said...

Sorry all, I know it's a bit disgusting, I'll try to limit the ZZ Top references in future.

Daphne! there is no connection, not even contrived or conver-luted, that was an excellent dinner (yours, not mine)

Aku said...

17 beans is a cup of coffee.

JolietJake said...

unless they are has-beans.

(see Willy Wonka...)