Saturday, 19 July 2008

Silly Season News

Medicine Man Whacko'd by Jacko

A pharmacist from Joliet, Illinois is suing Michael Jackson for alleged shrapnel injuries caused by the star's sneezing fit when he came looking for cold medicine. Early indications are that the defence will plead he should have recommended a nasal decongestant rather than an enema. Technically the remedy wasn't an enema but the Pop Star may have taken some of the pharmacists comments too literally.

Fast Eddy Smoke Trail

In the latest Tour de France cycling scandal it is alleged that five times winner "Fast" Eddy Merckx was smoking low tar cigarettes during some of the stages. The Belgian hero is known to have smoked forty a day when he was racing but cut back when he was on holiday. A spokesman for a major tobacco firm said "you see, the only reason I don't smoke is that I'm allergic to the glue they use on the papers. It's a common affliction on the executive board, it's quite ironic really." A spokesman for Belgium said "It's no coincidence we have no sports stars left since the smoking ban was introduced, the cigarette is our national dish. How would you expect the Welsh to compete globally if the EC banned cheese on toast?"

Turkey's Don't vote for Christmas

British Airways revealed plans to build a sixth runway. After all the controversy and logistical difficulties of the previous effort, a spokesman confirmed "we are building it because no one can stop us, we don't even need it". A government spokesman was unavailable for comment but one of his kids answered the phone and confirmed that the John Lewis list had survived a commons vote and he would indeed be using his researchers salary to pay for cocaine, some of which was for his parents.

The Short and Tall of it

The average height of the Japanese male increased by 15cm over the last thirty years owing to the excess of growth hormones in certain burger meats. Accorging to a senior source in the department for health "women aren't affected because the hormones react with oestrogen to form harmless water vapour which escapes into the air when they talk". The Japanese FDA said they were still investigating the possibility of other causes, like uneven milk distribution in primary schools. Which was also cited as a contributory factor in overweight men wearing nappies and pushing each other a lot.

Incredible Bulk

In a bizarre scientific experiment designed to counter the claims of "Supersize Me", another Joliet man went on a diet of Celery and Kiwi fruit for 30 days. He ate eight kilos a day and kept a video journal. After just eight days he is seen fighting with the greengrocer who refuses to serve him any more. After twenty days the man appears delirious and has a green tinge to his skin, he appears to have gained weight and become more aggressive. A spokesman for a burger chain said "science? so what? we've got the power of advertising on our side. People are stupid, until the burgers start cashing them down the street with guns we have nothing to fear". A spokesman for the NRA said "con-sarn it! I though this was the National Rivers Authority, o'course guns kill people y'jackass"

That's all for today. This news was brought to you by Budweiser, The King of Beers, another iconic Belgian brand.


PS All of the above is bollocks obviously but it's true that Belgian brewer Inbev has bought Budweiser this week, hilarious! I might buy an American bank, I heard Fanny Mae was feeling the pinch earlier.