Friday, 16 January 2009

Time Deacons

Time Deacons (not to be confused with Time Lords) are like World Leaders but they rule Time (not necessarily travel time) instead of Space. So, you've got the Buddha, God, Jehova, Zeus, Allan and Dave Brock (of Hawkwind):

The scene: Large double living room in Solihull, the Buddha and Alan are surfing the net, God is staring at the log fire, Zeus is on his iPod and Dave Brock is doing the Sunday Times crossword.

Buddha: Check this out, you can get Battle Tanks on Amazon
God: what Battle Tanks? What's that?
Buddha: two remote control tanks, they shoot light beams at each other and spin when it's a hit
Dave Brock: what sort of tanks?
Buddha: eh?
Dave Brock: what sort? T41's, Chieftan's, Panza's
Buddha: it doesn't say, does it matter?
Dave Brock: ok, if you're getting some anyway I'll have a go
Allan: we'll need three sets, because there's six of us
Dave Brock: well you couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo so you'd better get re-chargeable batteries as well while you're at it
Allan: what was that for?
Dave Brock: Just kidding Allan ya mardy arse, lighten up. The motors will eat the batteries up so get rechargeable ones
God: what if Zeus and Jehova don't want to play? Where is Jehova anyway?
Allan: he's out annoying people as usual
Zeus: what? were you talking about me?
Dave Brock: yeh, Allan wants some advice about buying new plates
Zeus: very funny, what is it?
Allan: the Buddha's getting Battle Tanks, are you in?
Zeus: yeh, whatever
(Puts earphones back in)

Jehova enters.

Jehova: fucking bollocks! that dog at number 42 escaped and chased me down the street, I had to run down the alley and jump over the back fence and cut accross the field, bastard thing, I'm going sort that little fucker out one day
Buddha: I don't like the sound of that
Jehova: oh piss off Mr fucking Goody Two Shoes, get a job
Buddha: you call that a job? knocking on peoples doors and boring them into a coma
Jehova: fuck me! I haven't even sat down yet, I've been chased by a dog and I get this shit as soon as I walk in
God: your language isn't helping you know
Allan: yeh
Jehova: oh fuck off Allan, I need a drink
Dave Brock: I need one too the way you lot are carrying on
Jehova: surprised you haven't already got four lined up

(Continuity check. Lemmy was originally in the Dave Brock role hence the drink remark, but he pulled out at the last minute. I managed to get Dave Brock but there wasn't time to re-write the script)

Dave Brock: you want trouble? ok, come on, let's 'ave it
Jehova: ok ok, sorry, I'm a bit stressed, I'll get you a drink
Zeus: I'll have a mineral water
Jehova: oh will you? we'll you'll have to get yer own, I've only got two hands
Dave Brock: there's a point, where's that Hindu fella with eight arms, shouldn't he be here
Zeus: I thought that was a woman
Dave Brock: nah, it's definately a fella
Zeus: crap, that was my best fantasy
Dave Brock: what was? doin' a fella?

Howls of laughter all around

Jehova: aah hah hah, fucking tree hugging iPod playing puffter
Zeus: oh, so I'm a homosexual because I've got an iPod? very mature
Jehova: it's not because you've got a iPod, that's just a "happy" coincidence
Allan: {with air quotes} yeh, "happy" as in "gay"
Zeus: shut up Allan, we get it
Allan: yeh? well maybe you're the one who "get's it" the most eh?
Dave Brock: shut up Allan
Allan: what's the matter? can't keep "up"?
Dave Brock: prat
God: for heaven's sake, are we buying the blessed Battle Tanks or not?
Buddha: oh, I've lost the page now, I don't know what they were called
Jehova: what Battle Tanks?
Buddha: no, that's what Allan calls them, it's something else on Amazon
Jehova: what is?
Allan: Battle Tanks, we were going to get Battle Tanks
Dave Brock: but what are they really called?
Allan: dunno
Jehova: what a bunch of fucking muppets, is this what you've achieved while I've been out?
Dave Brock: I've just finished the crossword, I'm off out now
Allan: where you going? can I come?
Dave Brock: no
Zeus: can I come? I'll keep my mouth shut
Dave Brock: no chance
Jehova: you can both come with me, I'm going out
Zeus and Allan: no thanks

Dave Brock and Jehova leave

Buddha: what about a robot dog? you can teach it tricks
Allan: can't we have a real dog?
God: don't start Allan, no I won't walk backwards and say "foow"
Allan: ha ha ha, it would be funny if you did though, because "dog" backwards is "God"
God: shut up Allan!

The End



Gorilla Bananas said...

"Allan" is actually a nickname for the Islamic God and I don't think you've got his personality quite right.

Joliet Jake said...

You're thinking of Allah, the subtlety is that Allan is too scared to get the snip - that's the personality I'm trying to portray.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Islamophobic American hawks are calling him 'Allan'. Try googling this site:

Joliet Jake said...

Thanks for the tip, there are a lot of sites with that sort of theme but I couldn't see why they call him Allan.