Monday, 19 January 2009

Bailout Bailout

Why aren't Churches asking for a bailout in these difficult times? They've been in a recession for ages, well since the middle ages anyway. I don't understand it, how did a bunch of illiterate bumpkins figure that the steam engine proves God doesn't exist? I know they invented the steam engine but that was just one guy, a Scotsman who only did it because he was too tight to buy a horse. Hardly the same as enlightenment is it?

Churches don't need a bailout because they are rich, filthy rich and corrupt. That's all I have to say, I have not one scrap of evidence and have not even attempted research. I'm going to do what those marketing types do, just repeat the message until it becomes "conventional wisdom". All Churches are rich, filthy rich and corrupt.

But what if they wanted a spiritual bailout? Something to put the faith back amongst the masses. They could start by putting more wine in The Masses! (that's a stinker isn't it? I know). Use Temptation as leverage to bolster the ratings instead of avoiding it all the time.

So, spiritual bailout, here goes;

You are poor because the filthy money lenders (banks) and whores (government) stole your money. But now you don't need money because you can Save Your Soul by following these instructions presented on behalf of, but not in conjunction with, the Roman Catholic Church:

Create a Folder on your desktop called "Catholic Church", open the folder, right-click to open a new document in Word, on the first line type "Soul", on the second line type "Property of " and your name, then click on File and Save, the filename will be "Soul" by default, click Save, you have now saved your soul in Catholic Church. Close the document and take a generous swig of wine and nibble some bread (or crisps etc) and say "this is the blood of Jesus and this is his flesh and I'm a consumer, Ahmen".

Whenever you feel down just open the document and save it again, swig, nibble, say the verse and repeat until the down feeling goes away, it will work eventually but you must have faith.

In this way the Church is modernised with modern technology, personalised, localised, easy to access, splendid, it's what you deserve as modern, independent, free people. Give some money to the Church too, those man-dresses aren't cheap.

Thank you, blessed are the meat.



Gorilla Bananas said...

How much is the Arch-Druid of Canterbury paid I wonder?

Joliet Jake said...

dunno really, but I reckon a good drag act gets 150 quid plus beer, so probably a bit less than than.