Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Uncivil War

Does anyone know why the UN is still fighting Afghanistan? I assume the US had the backing of the UN to go there (knowing full well they didn't, so what the fuck is the UN doing there now?). This war is completely irrelevant in practice but some people feel the need to air these concerns. ie. Me.

I know that we had to oust the Taleban because they killed their people, like all those African countries do every day and New Orleans in a hurricane. The UN doesn't find African "defence" very sexy, or is it the US doesn't give a rat's arse (ass) about Africa. Why do they care about Afghanistan? The biggest change in Afghanistan since the war began is they have regained their position as number one heroin exporter to the world. Why do you think the street prices came down a couple of years ago? Don't tell me you didn't notice. Why would the US government want more drugs in their country? Drugs are evil, governments are there to protect us.

What's Iraq done since the War of Liberation? Operation "Restore Freedom" or "Oil (for) Liberty" was a resounding success because now the streets are besieged with suicide bombers and most of the people live in fear and abject poverty. It's like Swindon without white people. Imagine being the poorer, duller cousin of Bristol, you literally are just one stop away from Wales and marrying your cousin (from Swindon).

Who else can I inslut today? I mean insult. There's no point insulting Australia because they really are at the arse-end of nowhere, it's true. Only New Zealand can dispute that title, yeh yeh Lord of the Rings, what have you done lately? Canada; Why does the only country with more guns than U S of Arse have a teeny tiny murder rate? Because they're all drunk, couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo. Argentina, the Bournemouth of Nazi Germany (or the Florida of Nazi Germany if you is Arse), started a "war" with England over the Falkland Islands. What kind of comedy war was that? It was like an Eskimo trying to hijack a barbecue with a plastic knife. The knife melted when he got too close and the Eskimo was too hot so he took his hood off and gave his face away, bloody idiot.

Yes I said "England", because it's always England when we win, "Britain" when we lose and when the Scots or Welsh win something they become "British". That's how United our Kingdom is, why any of these countries want to be in Europe is a bloody mystery to me.

Ok, either this is going to take all night or I'll have to insult continent by continent. Europe; you know this fabulous old architecture you're always harping on about, fucking knock it down already, it stinks of mildew and piss. Build some straight roads. Asia; get a proper job and stop fucking staring at me, Antartica; stop complaining about how fucking hot it is, can't you do something to help? And those other two continents too, say something funny or fuck off.

Did you know that Venus is the only planet that rotates anti-clockwise? What can our planet do? Nothing, it's just endless bitching and whining about ozone, greenhouse gas, fossil fuel and fucking Dolphins in tuna nets. Fuck 'em, shoot the Dolphins. I want to see some anti-clockwise turns and while you're at it time should flow backwards at least once a week.

There, I've insulted the entire planet and now I'm going to play in the garden.

You do know what this is about don't you? That Bagpuss bloke died, Oliver Postgate, he did the clangers too. I wanted to be the Soup Dragon, or Professor Yattle. Bum. I've still got Chorlton the Ravenous Vampire though, that's quite fun with all the minions collecting blood for the fighting....yeeeh, love childrens programs.



Scouse Doris said...

Helloooo little old blood-sucking lady...

The Aunt said...

How the hell did you manage to miss out Nicaragua when there is so much to insult. I am disappointed at you.

I can tell you the Nicas are feeling pretty left out. It's your fault they are being driven straight into the arms of Hugo Chavez.

Joliet Jake said...

Chorlton isn't a lady! How dare you

Nicaragua is always on the list, it's too easy but Hugo isn't a bad guy really. He just wants to stick it to America, can't blame him for that.