Wednesday, 23 July 2008

The Evolution of (this) Man

I'm nearly quite old now so I thought it time to set a few things straight, for the record. Not so much a "last will", just a "testament", in case the Big Man gives me a red card before the game's properly finished. I always feel guilty about using sports analogies because I assume women don't understand them, so just this once I'll offer an alternative..."just a "testament", in case the batteries run out before the damn bursts". So, the record;

First of all, when I put a match to that cat I had no intention of burning it. I had singed my own hair and just wanted to see if it was the same for cats. I knew I wouldn't hurt the cat as long as I did it briefly and didn't touch it's skin, I learned that from singeing my own hair. The cat didn't know though, it ran like a bugger with a red hot poker up it's arse. I was four years old then and I was ready to start school, I felt I needed to learn by reading rather than experimentation.

Ok, that thing with the girl across the road when I was about six. Firstly, both of my brothers were there so it wasn't just me. Secondly, I had no idea why she wanted to show us her "pee pee", we ran when saw it though and I think that was a good instinct. I wish I'd stuck to that response a few more times over the years.

Oh, and I should confess that we killed her hamster with a rat-trap, that's not a metaphor. The rat-trap was in our house, they usually came from the grocer next door, the rats did. We didn't expect a hamster to cross the road, a chicken maybe. We didn't even know they had a hamster, we didn't know what a hamster looked like, Indian people don't keep hamsters. It was only when the older sister came around knocking on doors asking "has anyone seen our hamster?" we realised what had happened but the bloody rat had already been tossed over the back fence into the builders merchants yard, we just said "No, we haven't seen it". We shouldn't have laughed when she left but we were just kids, we didn't know any better. Anyway, dad set the traps and he was the one who tossed it over the fence, he really shouldn't have been laughing.

A few years later, mum caught me with some exotic literature in my bedroom. I was too embarrassed to speak, but what I wanted to say was that it belonged to dad. I guess she figured it out because shortly afterwards the whole collection disappeared, I searched everywhere but they must have been banished from the house. Actually I'm not sure I need to confess this, I still don't see what's wrong with it.

There were a couple more things but I cut them because my posts are too long these days. So, that's my confession, I'm off to bed.

Good night.



SpanishGoth said...

Ur spelling is otrocious - who are the "damn bursters" anyhoots??

As for the 'wee wee' girl - I think the wets said about that the wetter eh?!

And 'Exotic Li....' *Gothic cape surrounds him*

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

"Indian people don't keep hamsters."
A piece of information that may serve me well at some point in the future.

zoe said...

Is that the worst you've done? I feel positively filthy now, you squeaky clean man.

JolietJake said...

Yes I've stopped using the spell checker deliberately, I think it adds character to the posts in a "warts and all" way.

It's not the worst I've done by along way but those records are permanently sealed.