Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Cuppa Soup

As promised, here's the low down on cuppa soup, I'm going to start completely off subject, to confound you, and then cleverly link into soup.

Do you know what Ice T is? If you're thinking "rapper" you are soooo wrong, he is a Lyrical Gangsta. He is, he's got a shed full of attitude to boot, his mum's sister told me. She's an Empirical Cuisineologist (here comes the clever link).

Talking of cuisine, cuppa soup, "Royco Minute Soup" to be precise is the flavour of the month. You can easily keep a few in you desk drawer and they are a most excellent hangover cure. Also, soup is THE miracle diet food. The problem with drinking water to cure hunger is that is doesn't stay in the stomach, the body recognises that it doesn't need to digest so it passes straight through. So, fill your stomach with soup, it's mostly water but just enough food to trip the digestion process and keep the stomach full.

Royco Minute Soup has only 41k calories or 175Kj. That's a fraction of the calories of a sandwich or a cooked lunch. You can burn it off in about twenty minutes on a bike, less if there are scantily clad women surrounding you. Like in the gymn.

Cuppa soup flavours are very masculine. Not like that fancy Covent Garden Soup - Carrot and Corriander flavour? Fuck off. With cuppa soup you get; Chicken Flavour, Vegetable Flavour, Beef Flavour and so forth, and if they don't have your favourite it doesn't matter becaue they all taste the same. ...and it comes in a red box, so that's cuppa soup.

Still haven't answered the old conundrum though. Does one eat soup or drink it? What if it's in a cup? And what the fuck is Consommé? Probably bollocks if it's French.

I quite like French food actually, it's tasty even though the presentation is a bit poncey. I wonder if the French have a word for Ponce, probably not, why would they? Who are they going to call a ponce? It wouldn't be very convincing would it. I don't suppose Italians have a word for "arrogant loudmouthed twat" either.

We're going to Italy, a friend has an appartment in Bologna we can borrow. I'm going to have to take plenty of cuppa soup, Italian food is astoundingly bland. That is if you've been raised on Indian food, our breakfast has enough chilli in it to knoch out an ostrich. Ok, ostriches aren't very big but try punching one in the bollocks, it's not as easy as you think.

Oh, wait a minute, when you read this we will already be back from Italy, I hope we enjoyed it. Sorry, this isn't a live broadcast, it's scheduled in advance. I had to do it this way otherwise the burglers would know we're going away for the weekend. I'll bring you something nice to make up for it. A puppy! You'd like that wouldn't you? A tiny cute cuddly puppy, ahhhhhh!

Ciao for now, silly sod.



Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

What are you talking about, an ostrich is HUGE.

Joliet Jake said...

oki doke. I confess I've never been that intimate with one, I was just talking about how tall they are