Friday, 5 June 2009

Adverteasements

I'm no communist, I want to make that clear now because frankly I see this whole Obama administration thing ending in a huge witch-hunt. I'm not a muslim either. In fact I'm nothing you need to know about (5th ammendment), I have no beliefs (officially), I'm a literary mercenary. I'll write any bollocks.

I confessed, what did you expect? I haven't had military training, my mum didn't let me.

All this melodramatics, it's my bollywood heritage and I'm not apologising for that. I have nothing against advertising "per se", it just conflicts with the aesthetic of my blog, not just the physical aesthetic but the unquantifiable intellectual aesthetic. Why don't they advertise something other than "instant sex, thousands of members are waiting near you!", that doesn't sit well with my sensibilities. I'm not qualifying that statement either, jeeez you ask a lot of questions, worse than a woman or a southerner.

So, in the spirit of being a bit shifty I'm going to run a pilot program of not-sex text only adverts. It's Adversteasement:

1. Grass
"see that brown mud-patch behind your house? It's supposed to be a garden you fucking lazy tit, buy some Grass for Jimmy's sake" (ref: some encyclopeadica; Jimmy Hendrix is God)

2. Cats
You might think “Free To A Good Home” is less than a glowing endorsement so try this; “take the cat home or it goes to the bottom of the canal in a sack with a rock”. The problem with selling cats is people only give money for those posh stuck up ones; "you chase the fucking clockwork mouse, you bought it" I don't like those cats.

3. The Samaritans
Tons of debt? Affair going sour? Kids on Drugs? Don’t top yourself, call The Samaritans and hear what a real loser sounds like

4. Insecurity
What? Just get a life you wet-arsed muppet.

5. Adverteasement (:promoting adverts)
Naked women selling cuppa soup and box spanners. To wankers. There's only one cure for baldness, wear a fucking hat and get over it. There's only one cure for Advertising, Stop Being A Tit. "SBAT; a slogan is not for life, it's just for Christmas"

I’m not quite sure who would be advertising Insecurity and to what end but there you have it. Think of it like an academic excercise, ie of no practibal use. Ok it's a harsh thing what I said abaaht Insecuritee, it's me up-bringing see? I can never apologise properly, I always put on a silly voice to hide my shame.

According to the University of Cambridge, England, you didn't ntocie taht lsat typo bceasue the mcagial brian only needs to see the first and last letters in place to make a word. Ok I cheated, I spelled it wrong. (no Practibal use)? I dunno, I'm not even following this anymore, Jesus!

There's a subject, and a question; If you can turn water into wine can you turn grass into Zombie or Skunk? I'd cough up some serious moolah to be at that gig. Talking of old I'm going to see Whitesnake on Sunday, well David Coverdale anyway, the other people weren't even born when we were rocking out to Fool for Your Loving etc.

So, yeeeeh. Still, at least it's not raining.

JJ

2 comments:

Scouse Doris said...

David Coverdale What? He looks worse than a waxwork and i'm only a bit pissed. What?????? scouse

Joliet Jake said...

get properly pissed and then tell me what he looks like