The End

Hi,

I've been writing Joliet Jake's Weekly for nearly three years now and it's time to move on.

This blog lark, I thought it was all virtual and fake but it isn't, I met a whole bunch of flesh and blood people through this. So it's a good thing and if you're thinking of doing one, try it, it's free.

Yesterday the credit crunch came to my world, I've been restructured. So I'm restructuring myself too and I've decided that this blog lark isn't giving me the Return On Investment or Benefit Realisation or some other bollocks that I feel I should be getting. Well I don't know what it is but know I'm not getting it so I quit, there.

Ok. Goodbye then

See ya

Byeeeeeee,

I'm going now really, I've got to feed the cat

and get a cat first

Goodbye

I know it's hard, but it's really the end

no

go away now

Look, I'm getting a bit fucked off now, BUGGER OFF!

Ok sorry I didn't mean that, we're still friends

but really, Goodbye.

Bye.

JJ

Salad Bar

Now that I'm old(er) and fat(ter) I've decided that salad is a nice thing. Up until last friday, I hated salad with a vengeance. When I was young(er) and thin(ner) I only ate junk food and swore I never eat a salad. Which only proves that young thin people are stupid and I'm glad I'm not one of them and I hate them all. Except Americans, there is no point hating Americans, they can't deal with real emotion so it's just wasted effort on my part.

It's good in a way; in America you'll get ostracised if you really tell someone you hate them, they say "you're mean" with their squeaky voices and get really upset. You can get away with it in France, they're used to it. The problem with the Septics now is I've been watching so many TV programs and movies, since I was knee high to a banjo, when I see them in real life it seems like they're acting. I keep expecting them to drop the accent any minute and say something like "I could murder a decent cuppa, this Starbucks tastes like gnat's piss". Which it does. Why they insist on serving it in paper cups the size of an umberella stand is beyond me.

(Septic Tank = Yank). Sorry.

Anyway, the Salad Bar. So there's this internet dealy now and we've got it in the office, you can order your lunch on screen, amazing. Today I have created my own salad; Ham, Chicken, Cheese, Boiled Egg, Balsamic and mandatory greens. I named it "I wish it was a kebab". At least it made me smile when I saw the plastic tub with the label on it, I also gave my name as Cribbleshanks for added amusement. There's nothing else to do it's the holiday season, there's no one in the office, "if it gets any more lively a funerals going to break out" (Rodney Dangerfield) Does he really write those lines or just tell 'em? Actor or Comedian? Which is he?

Ok that's all we've got time for, see you next week, keep taking the meds.

JJ

PS. most anti-depressants are actually laxatives, since that French philosopher said "I do most of my thinking on the bog". Can't think of the name, not Kant, he was German.

Foreign Muck

When I was a lad all we ate was foriegn food, because mum cooked it. Often I would sit an ponder "just what is it these whitey's eat at home?" (we didn't have political correctness in those days) really, it was a mystery. I knew about some things like fish and chips, toast, boiled eggs and we had a few things at school like stew, mash and jam roly poly. But somehow it didn't fit that people could be eating this at home. In my mind school dinners were kids food. What sort of grown up person would eat a sausage? Just look at it.

So, for most of my childhood I imagined the neighbours were eating fish and chips every night. And it being the thing we didn't have every night, became the object of all desires, as these things do when you're that age.

Nevertheless, I racked my brain for alternatives and concluded that eggs and toast must be a meal. Like this; toast, buttered, with sliced boiled egg, salt and massala (the sort you make curry's with). Like an open sandwich, magnificent and I still eat it to this day. It was an assumption handed down over generations that massala went in every dish, because the preceeding generations lived in India.

Then, some thirty years later, I was in Hawaii (last week) and discovered their speciality: Loco Moco. A bed of rice, hamburger, covered in gravy topped with a fried egg. Now you can get Super Loco Moco which includes fried spam, fried salami and two eggs. Obviously I went for the Super version, being a sucker for fried spam that I am. The amazing thing about Hawaii was during the whole week we only had pineapple once, for breakfast. They eat more papaya and mango than pineapple. But if anything should be their national food emblem, it's Spam, it's everywhere they love it. No wonder they're so fat.

So there you go, no one wants to be known as the spam eating country (or state), so let's stick with the pineapple, even if it's complete bollocks. It's true that travel broadens the mind though. Far from a picturesque paradise, half of hawaii is old run down villages full of poor people with no jobs. True the other half is fantastic beaches, expensive designer shops and mega expensive hotels but there are only tourists in that half.

That's why tourists find Hawaii'ans to be so friendly, is it you they're smiling at or your wallet? They are still people after all and spam doesn't grow on trees (please god, if there is a god...)

JJ

Lockerbie Bomber

So this lockerbie bomber was sent home and got a hero's welcome in Libya. A few things need to be said though:

1. It was a very dodgy conviction. He was fingered by one guy, and some say that guy saw his picture in a magazine in a completely unrelated article.

2. The reason he got a hero's welcome isn't because all Libyan's are terrorists. It's because his people believe he is an innocent man, wrongly convicted by the UK

3. "a man who murdered over 250 people freed on compasionate grounds!?" why the surprise? That's what compassion is all about, don't kick a man when he's down, it's what separates us from the terrorists. Mercy isn't just something you just read about in Sunday school, it's what you do to evil people who come unstuck to show them a better way

I reckon the Scottish government know this was a political conviction so they let him go before it became a humanitarian issue. Also, it gives them a chance to flex some political muscle on foriegn policy and cock a snook at the UK government at the same time. The more they show on the international stage, the more freedom from UK Parliament.

Barack Obama scored an own goal though. For him to say that the Scots made a mistake is actually his mistake. Small tin pot regimes like Libya thrive when Legitimate governments argue with each other. Libyans will now claim Scotland as an ally, is that what they want? Equally, Americas enemies will croon that the US is unable to show magnanimity even when their allies are merciful.

Barack should have stepped out, showed some respect to the Scottish government it's their decision to make, not his. Scottish politicians are unbelievably diplomatic, every Scot I know would've just told Barack to fuck off, especially after a couple of whiskey's which is usually any time after breakfast.

On an urelated note,I heard on the BBC that one of the goals of the Afghanistan invasion was to stem the flow of herion. That's bollocks, out of all the bad things the Taleban did the good thing was they stopped opium farming. Afghanistan only regained it's position as number one heroin exporter after the western liberation. Yes that right, they were the number one before the Taleban came along. Do you think agricultural colleges do studies about which soil is best for growing drugs? Maybe not officially.

JJ

Trains, Planes and Muppets

In the security check there was a couple in front of us who were looking sheepish from being reprimanded for something as we arrived. Apparently they hadn't had enough yet; bags went in the tunnel, came back out, "there's a jar of liquid in there, please take it out". Bags went in, bags came back "there's an electronic device with a hard disk", the second security lady exhasperated "you gotta be kidding me!", bags went in, bags came out "can you just wait to one side and let the others through".

So what did I do? Engrossed in this entertainment, walked through the metal detector with mobile phone in pocket, brilliant! I took my hat off, not only to them but to myself too. It's not often I wear a hat, I once heard that baldness is caused by the wearing of hats. Doesn't make sense, why don't everyones pubes fall out then? I mean not because of hats but the covering up.

My girfriends sister bought us two decorative heat resistant mats for christmas, they're good, not too festive so we can use them all year round. A couple of years ago we bought her two folding heat resistant things for the table, not quite mats but very practical, easy to store.

I've got a large insulated coffee/tea mug with a lid on it, stamped "Fujitsu" on the side. It's good but the tea tastes plasticky after a while. We've got a metal bread bin too, problem with that is it traps moisture so it's not as good a wooden one. We should replace it but it's quite stylish so it seems a shame to get rid of it.

We picked up some posh cruets from a shop on the coast a while back, we use them for salt and massala instead of pepper but the massala tends to get stuck because it's much coarser than pepper. Coarser than white pepper anywhey.

We still haven't put those pictures up from when we moved, or the big mirror. We're going for dinner tonight, with The Germans to an Italian. It's because we didn't play badminton last night, with the hollidays and everything we just didn't get organised so we've deciced to have dinner instead. And the showers are broken at the gym.

Our area's going to be a blue zone for parking, we just got the notice through yesterday. They did warn us ages ago so we've already got our parking permits. It'll mean disruption though as they put up the signs and ticket machines. It's because of the metro stops, people park their cars here and go into the city to work or whatever they do, the residents were complaining. We didn't complain, we're new here, I expect it was that Goth who lives on the corner. He seems the type to make a fuss.

I think I'll wear my new shoes to dinner.

JJ

Cat Bath

Having a cat was huge responsibility at seven, first thing I did was take the cat to the vet:

vet: hello, what do we have here then?
JJ: It's a cat
vet: I see, you know you probably shouldn't carry it around in a plastic shopping bag, you should get a cat basket
JJ: ok, I'll ask dad
vet: Is it a boy or a girl?
JJ: dunno
vet: what's it's name then?
JJ: dunno, my dad brought it, they didn't say
vet: you'll have to give it a name. We'll he looks fine, I'll give him this vaccination then you can take him home
JJ: what does it eat?
vet: cat food
JJ: do we have to give him a bath?
vet: not usually, maybe once or twice a year if it gets really dirty
JJ: thank you

Six months later I rounded up my brothers and we ran a bath for the cat. We just filled the tub a dropped the cat in, the cat didn't even touch the water, let out an fierce scream and bolted for the door. I was completely baffled, surely the cat realised it was bath time? After some debate we decided that cat's don't like bath time. But the vet had said it had to be done, we wanted a second opinion but we didn't fancy spending hard earned pocket money on another visit to the vet. So, we went to the library, all kids library books clearly state you have to give the cat a bath.

A week later the cat returned. This time we bolted the bathroom door and organised ourselves; two to hold down the screaming lunatic and one to apply the shampoo. It didn't say in any of the books what sort of soap one should use on a cat so we reasoned it ought to be shampoo - it's all hair, out came the Head and Shoulders. We decided that lather and rinse was enough, "repeat" would not be necessary. It was strange that we had never read shampoo instructions before, now it seemed important but there was nothing there about cats. "Avoid contact with eyes - may cause irritation", irritation? The cat was already incandescent with rage, this comment seemed a somewhat redundant, what sort of an idiot would shampoo in a cat's eye anyway?

Cat's really don't like water, and they like even less being held in the water and shampooed. This one decided the fair response would be to skin our hands and arms with it's claws, which it did very well. But eventually, the job was done and we all went off to our respective corners to lick our wounds. Made a mental note to wear gloves next time, gardening gloves might work or those white gauntlets you get with bio-nuclear hazard suits. Another week went by before normality was returned.

Another six months went by before the second and final bath night for this cat. Don't get me wrong, the cat survived, so did we. The things is cat's aren't like dogs, they have a certain away of looking at you, like "Is that how it's going to be? ok, fine, we'll do it your way", if you've ever been married you'll know what I mean. We just gave up on cat bath night after that.

Some years later the cat died of a suspected road accident, there were no witnesses. It was sad, we'd been through a lot together. But then it meant we could get a dog, that's how it is when you're seven, "Dad the cat died, can we get a puppy? can we get a puppy? can we get a puppy?" and so on. It worked eventually and then we had some real adventures...

JJ

Urban Poetry

This one is called: Childhood

Hello, can I have one of those?
How much money have you got?
One pee
You need two pee for that one
But I've only got one pee
It's not enough
Can I give you one pee tomorrow?
No
Then what have you got for one pee?
You can have one of these
But those are really small
That's what you get for one pee
What if I come back when I have another pee?
We'll be shut at six
what time is it now?
Half past four
How many minutes is it left?
One hour thirty
I think I can make it but will you keep one of those for me
Yeh ok, whatever
Don't just say it because I'm really going to come back
Ok really, I'll keep it
Dad can I have one pee?
No, get inside and wash up for dinner
But I just need one pee
Do as you're told, get inside.

JJ

Food and Drugs

In America food is the same as drugs and they have one agency to control them both, the FDA. In January 2008 the FDA gave clearance to put cloned animals in the food chain. That would've raised a stink if someone died from it. Isn't this the same as experimenting on humans? I don't recall any trials of cloned animal food, they went straight to the shelf.

Saw that Sarah Palin's sister-in-law Diana was arrested for burglary. That's a scary family, do you think people would stop attacking America if the Palin family was in the whitehouse?

Gotcha! I tricked you, "people" stopped attacking America in 2001. In fact there was only one attack. Let's face it, it was an isolated incident. What the hell is wrong with these people going around attacking countries in the name of self defence? No country has ever attacked America, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour doesn't count, that was like a fox stealing a chicken and saying "I'll have the whole farm by the weekend m-----f-----". Sorry but I don't allow foxes to use expletives on my blog, one has to teach those little fuckers some manners or they take over the entire text.

If all of this leaves you feeling less that moved you should try Martha Volchok's colon cleansing recipe here, Martha's a real star in all matters colonic and this super recipe only takes nine days, if only Diana were alive to see this, she loved colonics and all that hippy shit. No not Sarah's sister-in-law, wait a minute, the Princess Diana also had a sister-in-law called Sarah and she was as mad a badger too. Hmmmmmm... or as the Dutch like to put it mhhhhhhh...

Get your Google out and look up Loco Moco, I'll explain later.

JJ

The Pirate Party, Sweden

It's not just the question of freely sharing files and copyrighted material. There's a new law in Sweden around monitoring internet traffic for security sensitive words, like "bloody Norwegians and their oil, we should never have given them freedom". It's the big brother thing. That's what the Pirates are going at, but they have to be real and get proper policy positions on other things too, like the Free Movement Of Workers Between Member Countries of the You-are-Peeing Onion, as a random example.

But in some countries they don't have copyright, like China and India "so what's the downside?" I hear you ask, I'll tell yer. Shit films, cheesy music, that's why they're ripping off western product and every other twat is an Elvis impersonator busy learning Jackson One dance steps.

If there's no copyright law no one will be investing $150 million to make Waterworld. Ok bad example, I don't know what Star Wars cost but it would never have been made if the investors had no protection for their ideas. Same goes for computer software, you say "I should be allowed to install Drug Trade Wars on my mum's laptop, I paid for it" but I say "chill the fuck out, what if I borrowed your Delta Goodrem cd and lent it to someone you've never met, how would you like that?"

Don't rush off to Google now and search for "Drug Trade Wars", I made it up, what kind of sick individual are you anyway? Installing this shit on your mum's laptop.

Usuary Laws - until 1854 it was illegal to charge more than 10% on any form of credit.

Banks have just been bailed out by taxpayers and are now making record profits and taking huge bonuses home in their fancy cars.

"Poor People", who paid the taxes, are still waiting for the economy to recover so that they can find work again.

So why don't the poor people all own bank shares now? Isn't that how capitalism works? Screwing the workers to pay the shareholders. The poor people should now profit from the shares they bought with their tax money, that's the system. If the government get's the profit, they have to reduce taxes right? You see, when it's the fat cats making money from share trades, it's the factory workers who are greasing those trades. In the bank scenario it's the bankers who should be greasing the palms of the shareholders (tax payers). But somehow, the bankers are still taking as much money home as they ever were.

Damn it, do we have a system or not? Surely we aren't just a bunch of peasants being ripped off by the land owners? Is this the middle ages again?

JJ

Ku Klux Klan and Casino Guide

Bit of a side track here, many moons ago I used work in a casino and it hasn't been lost me that some people get a little starry eyed when I tell them that. Obviously it's very glamorous and high flying, working for minimum wage until 5am in Sheffield next to the Chinese Chippy, so let's have closer introspection on that.

Here are few terms you'll need to know if you want to play poker in the casino:

An Ace King Four and Seven is known as a "Machine Gun" (AK47), Ace Ace Eight Eight is a "dead man's hand" re: Wild Bill Hickok's hand when he was killed, four Kings is "the four horsemen", KKQQ = the mommas and the poppas, KKK = Three Wise Men / Ku Klux Klan, four Queens = the Village People, three Queens = Six Tits, JJ33 = Hookers with Crabs (I don't actually understand that one), 9966 = dinner for four, 3333= forest four trees, 222 = Huey, Dewey and Louie, 555 = Pork Chop Sandwiches (WTF?)

The thing about the KKK is that they are just like us really, a bunch of ordinary people. Some of them know how to make websites, as we can see, and some of them know enough not to be associated with KKK in public. That's how you know it's a bone fide set up, it's only the bigotry that set's them apart really, and yet somehow that's enough to justify executing every last one of 'em.

But Casino's yes, people really do borrow money from sharks and get their legs broken. I saw a guy walk out with 15 grand, it took him two weeks to return it all to The House. He was addicted, as were many others. We had a filing cabinet full of PNG's (Persona Non Grata), known cheats, card counters and so on, each one would have multiple aliases, false ID's, disguises, lists of associates (other known cheats). All that information was shared with other Casino's in the UK and a few stars had trails all over Europe. And then one day a fella told me he could get video's of dog fights if I wanted to see them, I suspected he thought I'd help him win in exchange for this "favour", in hindsight I should have reported him to the police.

The dog fights guy was one of the normal customers, well that's what passes for normal in the Casino crowd.

We had little staff room where we would leave our overcoats and go for tea breaks, one day a number of people had items stolen from there, including money. It was saddening to think a colleague was stealing from us. This was the beginning of the end for me. Then a "new" duty manager started, turned out he'd been on a break since before I started working there. He'd had a nervous breakdown amidst rumours of game fixing and pending investigations, there were also tales of ganster connections so the mood was very pensive when that guy was on duty. Some of the younger staff dreamed of working on cruise ships, seeing the world, making a fortune. I never met anyone who actually did that. I met people who worked cruise ships but none who made their fortune.

I left as soon as I could find another job. I couldn't care less about what people did there except the thief, after that incident I just couldn't trust anyone.

Yes, there were plenty of lights, plenty of glitter and action, but glamour? No, there was more glamour in the Chinese chippy next door.

JJ

London Cockney Ganster Types

"What's the s.p. on this one Charlie? Smack in the seats?"
"Naah, ice in the tank"
"Lovely, tidy job, I 'ate rippin' up the upholstery on a Jag, seems disrespectful in a way"

Tommy was taking delivery of a new smugglers car and was curious to the contents. It seemed this one didn't have heroin sewn into the seats but there were some diamonds in the fuel tank.

"You'll 'ave ter fence these sharpish, some fackin copper was sniffing round the office after the motor"
"Gotcha Charlie, I'll get onter Irish Mick he'll 'ave 'em away as soon as the tank's open"
"Sorted, I'll be in the office"

Charlie alerted Tommy that police were already tracing the stolen vehicle and had been asking at The Golden Lion pub, which they referred to as "The Office". Irish Mick got the name because his dad is Irish, his real name is Jonathan Kitchen.

"oil give yer turty grand and I'm rippin' me arm off so I am be-jesus"
"give it a fackin rest Mick, I know you're from Croydon"
"fack off then, 25 grand"
"I want fifty or I walk"
"fifty? this aint fackin Snatch, smell the fackin cockles Tom"
"It's Tommy to you, Irish, 'ave you even got any fackin money or wot?"
"here's fortee, take or leave it"
"done"
"done"

Tommy took the readies to the boozer but Charlie wasn't there, on the way out he was jumped by some eastern european types and they snatched the lolly.

"If I find out you had a hand in this Charlie I'll rip your fackin legs off"
"You better simmer down son, I was called away and now I'm down fortee grand and I wanna meet that fackin Irish Mick, pronto"
"Right, the office, five, be there this time"
"Oh I'll be there"

Later...

"'allo boys, d'ya have a point loined up fer yer old mate?"
"shut it Mick, we already did that"
"right, who's this then"
"'this' is fackin Charlie who's down fortee grand between you and young Tommy fackface 'ere"
"awright geezer take it easy, we'll sort it"
"I started this morning with 75 grands worth of ice and all I've got now is fackin ball-ache from talking to you two muppets, who's got the green?"
"not me"
"not me"

Then Charlie shot Tommy and a couple of his heavies took Irish outside for a beating, eventually he gave the diamonds back. Turned out Tommy's missus had organised the mugging and had it away to Costa with the fortee grand (and her tennis coach). Charlie was none the wiser but swore he'd find out "get every facker out there to turn over every fackin stone and get my fackin cash back".

He never did get it back.

JJ

Chicago House Spider

I was sitting watching my Michael Jackson live in Bucharest DVD when this little spider ran half way across the living room and kicked my on the side of my foot really hard. I said "what the hell was that?"

He said "my web, jackass, you broke my web, Sunday afternoon when you was gettin the hose out to water the hydrangers", I said "oh, so it's you building the web across the shed door every fucking week, can't you see what a stupid place that is for a web? It's a thoroughfare"
"Damned right it's a thoroughfare, that's why I'm there bitch. Flies coming in and out all day I had to fight for that spot, then you come along with your hose, it's because I'm black isn't it?"
"black? All spiders are black"
"but they ain't all got soul, see, I'm a House Spider, it's all here motherfucker" he said putting his little hairy fist to his heart.

Anyway we had a beer and laughed it off, turned out he was into the Eighties Chicago House sound, Def Jam and all that. I've got a couple of those vinyl's, bet you didn't exthpect that. Steve Davis collects vinyl. Nobody exthpected that.

I've got a twitter widget now somewhere along the left hand side of this Blogger. So far I am just twittering on about what I'm doing - when convenient - but it's really tempting to just write silly nonsense on there.

But this is for that, isn't it?

What?

JJ

Jensen Button and Greek Salad

Now that it's a crap English driver stealing the Formula One championship it's ok to say so without sounding sour graped, or worse. Jenson Button has been in the sport for some years and never won a single race, this season he's the winningest :-O driver. If he was a sprinter he'd be under strong suspicion of drug abuse like what Carl Lewis said about Linford Christie. I agreed with Carl but I didn't say anything. I wanted to part of the complicit establishment, like Jack Nicholson when he said "eeeeh! you can't handle the truth aarrgh!" but nobody asked me.

We know Jenny Buttocks isn't the best driver, he's lucky if he's top ten, so this is no a longer sport is it? Unless building a car is a sport now.

Well why not? Why not put all the parts on the floor for ten cars and have the teams build them and drive one lap. Put that in the olympics, it's how fast you can build the car. Why isn't cooking an olympic sport? See how fast you can make a lasagna with greek salad, if there were medals for cooking I'd definately give Delia Smith one.

Ok but seriously, which of these is a real Current Affair, not just some made up bollocks:

1. Eleven men walked on the moon, so why the fuck has all my spinach died? No wonder they can't solve the food shortage.
2. G W Bush Jnr invaded Iraq because Saddam CIA Hussain Obama said "I stayed in office longer than your dad, so who won the first Gulf war? Who's your daddy?"
3. The very absolute least the major banks could do is write off Michael Jackson's debts after he took the heat off those theiving scumbags
4. Now that Afghanistan has regained it's status as Number One global herion exporter, is it time for the Allies to pull out?

So, now I can publicly declare that Kimi Raikonnen is crappest driver to be champion since Damon Hill. But Damon Hill is still the worst and least credible champion I can think of. The only good thing about Damon is he never cheated, unlike Michael Schumaker in 1996. So roll on Jenniffer Buttmunch and good luck with Sports Personality of the year, I hope you win it because you really need one.

That's enough celebrity baiting, now to lay a trial of clover, dandelion leaves, pansies and chicory to bait that Tortoise. Come on Herman get your chops around this little lot. You'll never guess who clued me in to his favourite titbits....he he he he...

JJ

Michael Jackson Memorial

The Michael Jackson memorial takes place today at the Staples Center LA, some sort of stationery retail outlet. Whacko was a huge fan of stationery, he even tried to teach his monkey to staple his own finger and run around shouting "fuck me that hurts! get it out Michael! get it out!"

He battled illness for many years, he was often seen in public with a plaster on his finger since the Bad album. Some say this injury was the cause of subsequent bad albums and bad album sales. His finger was also the cause of much speculation and court room appearances. He was suing his plastic surgeon for not de-burring the nose amid allegations that he cut his finger on it.

Jackson was famous for inventing The Moonwalk dance step on which Neil Armstrong commented "he's obviously never been to the moon, and that thing he does on stage grabbing his dick tells me it's not the only place he hasn't been".

I've already sent my application to play MJ in the movie, I'll have to do a few sit-ups though, the advert said "no baritones or beer guts". Dimitry Medvedev has applied for the job too amid rumours that he isn't busy enough in his current puppet role. Dimitry commented "it's 'poppet', Vladimir calls me 'poppet' that's where the confusion comes from, I am a real president just like Jesse Jackson was. I can't believe he's dead".

I want to know what The Pope has go to say about it, I daresay the Catholic Church will have to choose their words very carefully when talking about Michael Jackson. Especially not to make the same mistake Dimitry did, that could be very embarrassing and detrimental to their drive to attract more young people (except lesbians).

Imagine if you're a ticket tout holding a few thousand dollars worth of tickets to the shows at O2 arena, they must thought they'd make a killing but it just goes show...

there really is no such thing as a Dead Cert.

JJ

Hot

It's hot, it's actually hot here. It's been like it for days. Of course the air conditioning broke as soon as the temperature went up, Belgian AC just isn't geared up to cope with hot days.

They might get someone round next week, they're very busy now.

It's good when we're out of the office though, sitting in the garden, listening to the neighbours shouting at their kids.

The mint died. Bit of a shocker, mint is supposed to be virtually indestructible so why is it the only one pushing up daisies?

I'll put the spinach out next, it's kicked off well in the trough so it needs to have a run out in the garden now.

Radishes look a bit proud, they'd better be good. Maybe I should grow some medicinal ganga, yeeh, I could brew up some hooch in the cellar and be like a proper hippy twat.

Yeeh, it's hot, it's hot, it's enough.

JJ

Michael Jackson

I was a bit surprised there, I always thought of him as youngster. I'm sure he used to be very young once, and black. Isn't it odd that as he got whiter and whiter he sold less and less records and eventually turned into a child molester, allegedly. I still think it was more the parents opportunism than anything bad, I'm no great fan but he didn't seem malicious or manipulative. Naive if anything.

It doesn't add up though, what about the thing with Liz Taylor? On the one hand young boys, one the other hand MILF. Speaking as the one voted by class as "most likely to become a sexual deviant" I can honestly say this boys/milf question doesn't scan.

But like any celebrity there's more to Mojambo than sex and sensasionalism. Buying the Beatles catalogue was very smart, and like a true businessman stereotype he upset his best friend Paul "Macca" MacFartney in the process. Rumour has it that Whitey left the Jowelled one something in his will, the remaining Jackson 4 are hoping it's about 600 million dollars of debt. Once that's paid off, the others can go back to collecting press clippings and sticking pins in Whacko dolls. Sibling rivalry, it's only natural.

I don't know if the Senegalese really practice voodoo but I know there's a pretty famous witchcraft shop in Huddersfield. If anyone should be under suspicion of showing puppies to young boys it should be Jermaine. If you give a black man a gay name he's bound have problems, just look at him, he's creepy. And he was always the first to defend Snowcloud when these things went public.

So the only remaining question is; if The Lord of the Ring was in so much debt why didn't the American tax payers bail him out? Isn't that what they do now? The state should have bought Kimosabe and then he wouldn't have died needlessly. Such a waste of talent, so young, so vibrant, such a fucked up wierdo.

I can't be the only one having difficulty dealing with this. Throughout the eighties he was the undisputed World Champion Jumpy Squeaky Thing, we all admired him, then it all went a bit legal and now he's dead. What can one say?

The funeral arrangements are bit more complex than usual, they've got a blue coffin for the plastic, yellow for the beatles records and green for the organic parts. It's hard to imagine in six months time his chin could be the volume knob on a Mitsubishi Pajero. These celebs love all that re-cycling lark and I don't see why he should be any different.

This is JJ saying "ooowwww!" and goodnight.

JJ

Soup With Himmler

Hitler banned soup from the Nazi HQ. He was the first person to ask the question "does one eat cup-a-soup or drink it?" he didn't get a straight answer so he banned all soup, period. When Himmler asked "what will we do with our bread?", this is exactly what he said; "shove your bread up your arse Bitch, yes you are my bitch get on your knees and bark like a bitch. Now catch the frisbee".

I wouldn't have lasted very long at Nazi HQ, I don't handle authority figures well. But that's just part of it, they wouldn't have let me in because I'm one of those liberals that plays with food during sex. The first time I had a goats cheese and honey Panini I was disgusted, so I had to do the tongue thing to get rid of the taste of the sandwich, it took a while. But that was in the eighties, before pot noodle became a tasty snack rather than a footballers haircut.

These days everything’s changed, the latest food sex diet is chocolate bars with condoms on. You can chew on it for a ages but you can't swallow the chocolate, unless you swallow the whole thing with the condom - if you can manage that put your phone number in comments please (ladies only). The Egyptians invented chocolate because they didn't have condoms. Not bathing was the other form of contraception practiced by ladies and gentlemen of the time, which is still practiced in some urban housing developments today (with notably less success).

Sprint races shouldn't be measured in meters, it should be feet. The result should be the runners speed in Feet per second, then we can say "fast feet", "may the fastest feet win", "look at him go! 32 feet per second!". Of course a millipede can move a thousand feet in less than a second but that's not the same, it's just a semantic anomaly. Millipedes are smug buggers, lording it over the centipede's with their extra legs, not very classy.

Yeeeeh.

JJ

Poop Poop PeeDoo

What Barack needs now it so have an affair with Angelina Jolie. Then she can sing Happy Birthday Mr President. Can she sing? Does someone know because I'd really like to know.

The thing is though it won't happen. JFK got away with it, even Bill Clinton got away with it but Barack won't. Because he's black. I think he would even win a second term if the economy didn't recover, I can imagine the media lining up to say "well it was Bush that messed it up, no-one could have saved that".

Ok, here's the cut, he'll get away with it if he has an affair with say, Halle Berry, or Beyonce but not Jolie, not Stefani. You see what I'm saying? Yeh we've made strides by having a black president but there's still something nasty in the woodshed.

But this is just half-arsed opinion, if I could use my whole arse I might make some money out of it. That's not how it sounds, I mean I could publish it but I don't have time to research it properly. I'm not ready to give up my day job on a whimsical fancy, I like my day job. I get to walk around in my suit and talk to people in foreign climes on a mobile phone while picking out the cod steaks for dinner. Did you know "foriegn" is an Indian word, my guess is that Hindi was the only language the English tried to learn from their colonies so they've assimilated a few words. Shampoo is another one, and so is Transcendentalism.

I did a baked cod in tomato juice with potatoes and Greek salad for dinner, went down very well with a sparkly white wine from Luxembourg. Sparkly isn't the same as Sparkling - that's like champagne. Sparkly is more subtle, like Italian Frizzante.

I'm growing my own herbs now; Basil, Radish, Spinach and Thyme. I've got some flowers going in a small trough too but I'm buggered if I can remember what they're called. Radish is a herb if you dry out the bulbs and grind them into a white powder, then you can put the powder in little bags and sell it to yuppies as cocaine. It makes their eyes glow red when they snort it, take a camera with you.

Seen that Nasa arsed up another shuttle launch. Congress are going to cut the space budget by 16%, what does that mean? It's not like saying "well we're a bit short of cash so we won't go to Miami for holidays this year we'll rent a caravan next to the canal". If you can't afford Mars then you are back at the Moon, say "Cheese".

Oh there was one odd bit of research to use here, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Look at the surname, Schwarz means Black and Negger means, well we aren't allowed to use that word. So, how does "Black Negger" come to be family name in Austria? Even if it's an old name and slavery was not a bad thing then, we still have to wonder who would take that as a name? Arnie Isn't black.

Barack is though, and I think he made the right speech about the banking system. He's making a lot of strong good sounding speeches. He must be making a lot of enemies too.

That's all I'm saying.

JJ

What I'm saying is...

Sand is shit. The Parrot Fish eats algae off coral. It has very hard beak like mouth which causes it to eat a lot of coral when it's trying to get the algae. It can't digest the coral, it just passes it out the back end, as sand. Sand comes out of the Parrot Fish's bot.

There is a popular myth in England that their National Dish, the Chicken Tikka Massala, was invented in Glasgow. Let's see, pick the odd one out here:

Fish & Chips
Deep Fried Mars Bar
Deep Fried Pizza
Chicken Tikka Massala with Rice and Naan

The last one isn't deep fried, that's a clue. And it's Indian food, that's another clue.

How many times have I heard the spaghetti bolognese isn't authentic Italian but invented by English students? About 87 times, it's hogwash of course.

Americans do it too; Pizza, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Music, Sport, Sex. Americans pursue all of these activities with relentless vigour and have somehow forged the idea that they invented them all. Loco Moco was invented in Hawaii but that's not really America, it's got too much culture to be America. If you must know Loco Moco is a hamburger and a fried egg on rice covered in gravy. Sounds damned good to me, I pretty sure I'll be trying that at home soon.

The Greeks are just as bad, they think they invented culture, pah! The Greek language is derived from Sanskrit which originated in India. Hence all Greek culture is a poor forgery of one original culure - Indian, which is much older and smarter. All the DNA's in the world can be traced back to China or India, there are two distinct groups, then back to Africa. And then to a couple of Aliens from the Sirius Binary Star System.

But that's all in the past, where's this culture thing going now? In Iceland, Rejkyavic to be precise, we saw a bunch of locals dressed in Blues Brothers gear having a convention at our hotel. In the hotel car park there was a row of American 60's and 70's cars. It's just fashion then? What used to be cool in America is now cool in Iceland, maybe one day American Football will only be played in Sweden and they'll say "why is it called American Football?", Texans will be eating Reindeer Steak and will have forgotten that their ancestors farmed cattle and Reindeer came from Lapland.

Does anyone know if there are terrorists in Lapland? Seems to me that "Lapland" should be a proper country, not jointly occupied by Sweden and Finland. Occupied places with "land" in their name are usually fertile breeding grounds for terrorists, except Palestine. Ok, are there any people in Lapland? Let's start from there.

According to our friend Wikipedia there are 168,000 Laplandices. That's a lot, they should be able to muster an army and raze Helsinki. I'd say about 10,000 soldiers could do it if they go on a Friday night when the natives are busy heaving in the gutters. Ok, any evening after about 5.30pm.

There's no such thing as alcoholism in Finland, it's like the old German joke "what do they call Frankfurters in Frankfurt? : Sausages". You see? Who is going to call who an alcoholic? It doesn't happen. Maybe "tine" is Arabic for "land", could be.

But back to food, I do love telling Italians that the Chinese invented pasta, no matter how many times you do it, it's hilarious every time, they wave their arms and shout and spit. The conversation moves into culture and then I'll claim that Spain is a what Italy would have become if they updated their buildings and stuff. Italians really look down on the Spanish. It's great fun also telling the Spanish that Italian is the real Mediterranean culture, set's them off every time. Spanish people really know how get angry, you should see it, beats the crap out of watching TV.

Right.

JJ

All for You

Friday.

I haven't wrote nothing for three weeks.

I've been publishing sure, but that was all my saved up stuff. Now I'm out, done, dry. I didn't even think of it until a couple of days ago, I thought I had loads of stuff in Draft that I could clean up and put out but no. It's all garbage, and most of it is months old, dated garbage.

I was in the office at 7am today for a conference call, then it was cancelled. Ok I lied, I was at home at 7am, I came to the office at 8. Because the call was cancelled. The dissapointing thing is that I quite like doing these calls at home in the morning in just my underwear, it brings the whole thing down to earth. Wearing clothes is the beginning of ego and pretence, according to JJ. Referring to oneself in the third person is quite something too.

We won the quiz again last night, more wine, more cheese and biscuits, another fucking candle. Keeps The Goth happy though, not the candle, he collects the baskets they give us for the goodies. I go more for the social than the quiz, having someone ask me questions and give me a prize is a bonus.

Malaysia was nice, did I post that? I can't remember, Bologna was pretty good too, we saw the Pallio, mad horse race thing in the village square in Ferrara. I bought a squillion euro worth of guitar gear last weekend; Overdrive, Octave Multiplexer, T-Rex Echo, Digitech Whammy, 4 track recorder. I'm going to get a DC brick and a rack this weekend because it looks a bit scattered with my Wah-Wah and Distortion in there too. And the electric drumkit, Marshall amp and monitor. Yeeeh, it's a bit over the top but what the fuck eh?

What else? I'm going to try to make my own Ragu tonight, we're going to a party tomorrow, guests next week (all week), then it's couleur cafe music fest.

Fuck it, if I get a minute over the weekend I'll see if can think of something to write here.

I hope you have a crap weekend and it rains non-stop. I know that I will because I live in Brussels.

JJ