My old mate Dave built a lawnmower out of motorbike parts and I said to him "you know, if you swap the 'D' and 'v' around in your name and add 'r' it spells Vader" and he said "I've fuckin told you to stay the fuck out of my garden, and stop telling people we're mates". Ungrateful bastard, he didn't complain when I let his mom stay at my place so that he could get his end away with the woman from the post office.
One time he called me in the middle of the bloody night, apparently the woman suddenly came-on while they were at it so they had to wash the sheets afterwards. He wanted to ask his mom where the fabric conditioner was, so I took the message and said "Hang on, I'll see if I can wake her". Wasn't too tricky because she was on her hands and knees at the time chomping away at the old pork sword, I just needed to buy a few seconds to let her get her composure. I was as cool as cucumber of course.
A few days later I bumped into Dave at the pub and he was giving it the usual "how come you haven't got a girlfriend eh? what's the matter with you? you don't bat for the other side do you?" and all that, I just kept saying I was waiting for Miss Right and all that, I was thinking "'cos I'm getting free shags off your mom without all the whiney bitchy crap you have to put up with from that tart at the post office" she wanted to marry him but Dave was his own man, meaning he fancied himself more than he fancied her.
Eventually she ditched him and took up with Shane, the guy who did the karaoke on a Friday. It was shame, he on only knew "Blue Suede Shoes" and he could only do it with so much echo on the mike you couldn't tell if he was singing or having a fit. Dave was gutted but not as much his mom was. Me? I just moved on to the next town and the rock rolled on.
Awesome.
JJ
PS I'm in England again, going to Paris and Bangkok in a few days, I'll tell yer all about it later
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
This Sauce is OK
A short play about three evil Golf Club Presidents and barbecue sauce.
The Players:
The General. Leader of one of those foreign countries that no one hears about unless there's a flood, earthquake or war. A military dictator, obviously.
Vlad the Inhaler (he's out of his tree!). A popular leader, very successful at home but we don't like him because "he's foreign so he must be up to something".
Small Bush. The Boy-King of The Empire, some people say he's simply too young to understand what's going on around him, others say he's just simple.
Act 1. After the summer break, the evil geniuses get together around a jacuzzi in Geneva.
Small : Surprised to see you here General, I heard you were going to be electrocuted
The General : Elected you idiot, I was going to get elected but I changed my mind. There's too much risk of losing if you ask people to vote
Small : But you're not supposed to stay after two "Turns" it has to be someone else's Turn now, it's in the constipation, I read it.
The General : Nah, I declared a state of emergency, I can play as long as I like now
Small : Wish I'd thought of that
Vlad : That's your trouble, you can't think, you're a fucking idiot. What about my idea of being "Prime Minister" I can do that and still play for free.
The General : Forget it Vlad, the Boy will never work that out, he'll have to re-write the constitution and frankly I'm surprised he can write his own name.
Small : I'm not listening to you guys, last time those little yellow guys told me they had a way of scoring 100% in every electrocution. When I tried it I only got 44, then daddy and Jeb had to stay up all night and make new tickets to put in those funny little boxes.
Vlad : Like I said, you're an idiot, you don't deserve to win.
The General : Tell you what Small, I'll send some more of those blowy-uppy people over to your place then you can declare a state of emergency too.
Small : I dunno about that, it's a bit scary, I'll have to ask my dad. Why don't we just pay the membership out of our oily dollars?
The General : haaahaar, ha ha ah ah, raahaaah! love American comedy, this boy kills me, he really does
Vlad : ha! membership?? can I have extra sauce on mine? ah ha ah ha
Fade and pan left, focus on a picnic table supporting a bottle of OK Barbecue Sauce bathed in the morning dew as the sun sets in the distance and crickets cry "owzee!"
Roll Credits
Roll Debits
THE END
Well that's what I think. I'm not sure I like The General using my palindromic laugh though, and Vlad is definitely up to something with his cut down version, or is that just his accent? I can never tell with these things.
Hot Dog.
JJ
The Players:
The General. Leader of one of those foreign countries that no one hears about unless there's a flood, earthquake or war. A military dictator, obviously.
Vlad the Inhaler (he's out of his tree!). A popular leader, very successful at home but we don't like him because "he's foreign so he must be up to something".
Small Bush. The Boy-King of The Empire, some people say he's simply too young to understand what's going on around him, others say he's just simple.
Act 1. After the summer break, the evil geniuses get together around a jacuzzi in Geneva.
Small : Surprised to see you here General, I heard you were going to be electrocuted
The General : Elected you idiot, I was going to get elected but I changed my mind. There's too much risk of losing if you ask people to vote
Small : But you're not supposed to stay after two "Turns" it has to be someone else's Turn now, it's in the constipation, I read it.
The General : Nah, I declared a state of emergency, I can play as long as I like now
Small : Wish I'd thought of that
Vlad : That's your trouble, you can't think, you're a fucking idiot. What about my idea of being "Prime Minister" I can do that and still play for free.
The General : Forget it Vlad, the Boy will never work that out, he'll have to re-write the constitution and frankly I'm surprised he can write his own name.
Small : I'm not listening to you guys, last time those little yellow guys told me they had a way of scoring 100% in every electrocution. When I tried it I only got 44, then daddy and Jeb had to stay up all night and make new tickets to put in those funny little boxes.
Vlad : Like I said, you're an idiot, you don't deserve to win.
The General : Tell you what Small, I'll send some more of those blowy-uppy people over to your place then you can declare a state of emergency too.
Small : I dunno about that, it's a bit scary, I'll have to ask my dad. Why don't we just pay the membership out of our oily dollars?
The General : haaahaar, ha ha ah ah, raahaaah! love American comedy, this boy kills me, he really does
Vlad : ha! membership?? can I have extra sauce on mine? ah ha ah ha
Fade and pan left, focus on a picnic table supporting a bottle of OK Barbecue Sauce bathed in the morning dew as the sun sets in the distance and crickets cry "owzee!"
Roll Credits
Roll Debits
THE END
Well that's what I think. I'm not sure I like The General using my palindromic laugh though, and Vlad is definitely up to something with his cut down version, or is that just his accent? I can never tell with these things.
Hot Dog.
JJ
Friday, 2 November 2007
Le Constitution
The You-Are-Peeing Constitution according to John Prescott.
1. The Presidency.
There's no fuckin' way that Nancy Boy Blair is gunna be President, I'm sick of the bloody sight of him and his cheesy grin. I tell you what, I'd love to wipe that grin off his face, he's ruined t' Labour Party, whole thing's a pile of shite now and I'm glad I'm out of it, I was gunna pack it in anyway, bastard.
2. Common Foreign Policy.
'Ow can yer 'ave a Foreign Policy when yer 'aven't got a bleedin' Army? It's common sense innit? So let's start from t' beginnin'. Military Service for everyone at 18 years old, except girls and puffs obviously, we won't need them anymore 'cos we've got more people to choose from. Then we'll build a massive fuck-off army and park it on t' Russian border, how do like that idea Igor? whatever your fuckin' name is.
While we've got the army we might as well invade Norway and Switzerland, they've been mincin' around too long now, if the Brits can sign-up then so can you.
3. Qualified Majority Voting.
Now that there's 27 countries we'll get nowt done if everyone has to agree all t' time, either that or we'll only pass watered down useless laws like American beer, fucking gnat's piss. But we want a strong union with a strong leader, he should be able to over-rule "certain" cuntries (that's deliberate 'cos you know who I'm talking about) if he don't like 'em and it's for the greater good. Someone who's 'ard, maybe an ex-boxer who isn't scared to punch some fuckin' hooligan in the eye even when it's on tv and he's wearing his best Armani suit.
4. Language.
You see how I've wrote title of t'Constitution in French, how hard is that? Instead of "The Constitution" it's "Le Constitution" there's fuck all to it, obviously we'll write everything in proper English and then all the foreigners can translate it into whatever language they speak back home. I've been to Mallorca and fuckin' Ibiza, they all speak English, they love it and you can get egg 'n chips and all day breakfast.
Anyway, if you think I'm writing this bastard out again in French and Spanish you've lost it mate. And as for fuckin' Estonia and Latvia I don't know what language they speak there so just forget it, they'll have to Google the fucker.
5. Common Currency.
I'll tell you sumthin' you aven't thought of, Roman Empire had a common currency and it was bigger than this Union but where is it now? eh? When you use your bank card abroad the money comes out in Euro's anyway so what's the bleedin' point of changing all the money back home? Forget common currency, we don't need it and if the Germans want to go back to using silly coins wi' holes in't middle or whatever, that's their look-out, nowt to do wi' us.
'Ow do you turn this fuckin' spell checker off again? I can't properly proof read this fer all t' squiggly lines.
THE END
Hmmm.. Thanks for that JP, is that last line supposed be in the final draft?
Vote JJ for higher taxes and pointless form filling!
JJ
(Disclaimer: by 'John Prescott' I mean that fella who sings "Ring of Fire" on the metro to Herman Debroux at 8am every day, not the former deputy cheesey grin).
1. The Presidency.
There's no fuckin' way that Nancy Boy Blair is gunna be President, I'm sick of the bloody sight of him and his cheesy grin. I tell you what, I'd love to wipe that grin off his face, he's ruined t' Labour Party, whole thing's a pile of shite now and I'm glad I'm out of it, I was gunna pack it in anyway, bastard.
2. Common Foreign Policy.
'Ow can yer 'ave a Foreign Policy when yer 'aven't got a bleedin' Army? It's common sense innit? So let's start from t' beginnin'. Military Service for everyone at 18 years old, except girls and puffs obviously, we won't need them anymore 'cos we've got more people to choose from. Then we'll build a massive fuck-off army and park it on t' Russian border, how do like that idea Igor? whatever your fuckin' name is.
While we've got the army we might as well invade Norway and Switzerland, they've been mincin' around too long now, if the Brits can sign-up then so can you.
3. Qualified Majority Voting.
Now that there's 27 countries we'll get nowt done if everyone has to agree all t' time, either that or we'll only pass watered down useless laws like American beer, fucking gnat's piss. But we want a strong union with a strong leader, he should be able to over-rule "certain" cuntries (that's deliberate 'cos you know who I'm talking about) if he don't like 'em and it's for the greater good. Someone who's 'ard, maybe an ex-boxer who isn't scared to punch some fuckin' hooligan in the eye even when it's on tv and he's wearing his best Armani suit.
4. Language.
You see how I've wrote title of t'Constitution in French, how hard is that? Instead of "The Constitution" it's "Le Constitution" there's fuck all to it, obviously we'll write everything in proper English and then all the foreigners can translate it into whatever language they speak back home. I've been to Mallorca and fuckin' Ibiza, they all speak English, they love it and you can get egg 'n chips and all day breakfast.
Anyway, if you think I'm writing this bastard out again in French and Spanish you've lost it mate. And as for fuckin' Estonia and Latvia I don't know what language they speak there so just forget it, they'll have to Google the fucker.
5. Common Currency.
I'll tell you sumthin' you aven't thought of, Roman Empire had a common currency and it was bigger than this Union but where is it now? eh? When you use your bank card abroad the money comes out in Euro's anyway so what's the bleedin' point of changing all the money back home? Forget common currency, we don't need it and if the Germans want to go back to using silly coins wi' holes in't middle or whatever, that's their look-out, nowt to do wi' us.
'Ow do you turn this fuckin' spell checker off again? I can't properly proof read this fer all t' squiggly lines.
THE END
Hmmm.. Thanks for that JP, is that last line supposed be in the final draft?
Vote JJ for higher taxes and pointless form filling!
JJ
(Disclaimer: by 'John Prescott' I mean that fella who sings "Ring of Fire" on the metro to Herman Debroux at 8am every day, not the former deputy cheesey grin).
Sunday, 28 October 2007
Tart Train
It's finally here, the end of Summer(time) is today and we can all be late for work tomorrow morning. How did we place the end of summer in October? October for pete's sake! How bloody optimistic is that? To the best of my recollection we had a good run in April, after that it was patchy at best.
So what's a Tart Train then? Well I had the idea at Sushi Train restaurant, they have a bar with a little track on it and a succession of little dishes runs along the track. One can sit there and pick off as many as one wishes. I thought why not do the same with Mr Kiplings Tarts? It would be much more colourful and the name Tart Train has a better ring to it. Ok, it wasn't Mr Kiplings Tarts I was thinking of, it was the other Tarts, I can't help it, it's the sushi. I smeared it thoroughly with wasabe and soy sauce but the taste and texture still forced it's way onto my tongue. Don't get me wrong, I do like it and I'll eat it again but it just isn't satisfying enough on it's own.
I don't know about you but I've just returned from a fantastic party in Aachen, it's not often one has the opportunity to dance to Thunderstruck at 4am but the chance was there and I took it. Only when I woke up this morning did I realise the clocks went back a 3am so actually I've been foiled, it wasn't 4am it was 3. Bloody government, they ruin everything. At least they've got a government in Germany, here it's still shrugging of shoulders and rolling of eyes. More and more people are saying "tant pis" everything works fine like this, we don't need a government.
That's an idea for my You-Are-Peeing Union election caravan/campaign/train, let's give the EC, the Parliament and Council 6 months off. Then we'll see if the trains still run on time. While they are off they can all learn to play cricket. It is beyond me how anyone can expect to run an administration this size when they don't even play cricket. Where does the sense of fair play and decency come from? eh? Well it doesn't grow on trees but even that's a moot point because you buggers keep cutting them down. You can't build democracy by throwing your little metal balls into a gravel pit! what are you thinking?
You know what else I'm going to have on my election train? Gravy, boats of gravy to fuel my glorious Empire. But before that, I better check how Prescot's getting on with the new Constitution;
JP : I've wrote sumthin' about t'Presidecy and I was gunna do Foriegn Policy next
JJ : Is that it? Come on pick up the pace you lazy fat bastard, it's no wonder you are always the deputy. And Put that gravy boat down we haven't even stood for election yet.
all eyes turn to Gordon Brown
embarassing silence and shuffling of feet
Exit stage left
Curtains close.
Thanks for coming, have a safe journey home.
JJ
So what's a Tart Train then? Well I had the idea at Sushi Train restaurant, they have a bar with a little track on it and a succession of little dishes runs along the track. One can sit there and pick off as many as one wishes. I thought why not do the same with Mr Kiplings Tarts? It would be much more colourful and the name Tart Train has a better ring to it. Ok, it wasn't Mr Kiplings Tarts I was thinking of, it was the other Tarts, I can't help it, it's the sushi. I smeared it thoroughly with wasabe and soy sauce but the taste and texture still forced it's way onto my tongue. Don't get me wrong, I do like it and I'll eat it again but it just isn't satisfying enough on it's own.
I don't know about you but I've just returned from a fantastic party in Aachen, it's not often one has the opportunity to dance to Thunderstruck at 4am but the chance was there and I took it. Only when I woke up this morning did I realise the clocks went back a 3am so actually I've been foiled, it wasn't 4am it was 3. Bloody government, they ruin everything. At least they've got a government in Germany, here it's still shrugging of shoulders and rolling of eyes. More and more people are saying "tant pis" everything works fine like this, we don't need a government.
That's an idea for my You-Are-Peeing Union election caravan/campaign/train, let's give the EC, the Parliament and Council 6 months off. Then we'll see if the trains still run on time. While they are off they can all learn to play cricket. It is beyond me how anyone can expect to run an administration this size when they don't even play cricket. Where does the sense of fair play and decency come from? eh? Well it doesn't grow on trees but even that's a moot point because you buggers keep cutting them down. You can't build democracy by throwing your little metal balls into a gravel pit! what are you thinking?
You know what else I'm going to have on my election train? Gravy, boats of gravy to fuel my glorious Empire. But before that, I better check how Prescot's getting on with the new Constitution;
JP : I've wrote sumthin' about t'Presidecy and I was gunna do Foriegn Policy next
JJ : Is that it? Come on pick up the pace you lazy fat bastard, it's no wonder you are always the deputy. And Put that gravy boat down we haven't even stood for election yet.
all eyes turn to Gordon Brown
embarassing silence and shuffling of feet
Exit stage left
Curtains close.
Thanks for coming, have a safe journey home.
JJ
Monday, 22 October 2007
Don't Take Your Coat Off!
Continuing work on number 6 of my list:
Imagine if once a month you had to work from a different office for a week, the company hires people to move all your stuff 428 kilometres and you go along with it. This is what the European Parliament does. One week of every month they work out of Strasbourg. It goes without saying this horseshit could only happen in France. But why? oh why is it so? I hear you cry, well I'll tell you A Short Story:
--------------------------------------------------------
A Short Story:
A long time ago a bunch of old men sat in room and said "OK we've got our shiny new You-are-Peeing Union, where shall we put the Headquarters with the swivelly chairs and new desks, all of which costs money?" and the reply came in chorus "not in my country, it's just unneccessary costs and overhead". Then, after much consternations had happened the old men decided to give free money to the country which would house the Headquarters which would be called "Brussels" because that's French for "burocracy with chips and mayonnaise".
The Belgian old man leaped into the air and cried "I'll take it! We can put it in the city which is also called Brussels and finally our Brussels will have second tourist attraction. That stone boy peeing in a fountain was funny in the beginning but it's wearing a bit thin now" and they all agreed but added "it's not supposed to be a tourist attraction! It has to serve purpose you bloody idiot!", the Belgian old man said "Ok I'll do it your way, when do I get my money?" that remark also wasn't very well received and the other old men decided that the Belgian old man was "a little odd" and they made a note of that for later.
While they were all thinking "How the fuck did the Belgians conquer the Congo? It staggers belief!" the French old man said "errmm... how much money exactly? for this errr Brussels thing?" then much more consternations started happening and eventually the French old man said "I'm going to have another Brussels in Strasbourg and get the same amount of free money" the others replied in chorus "OH NO! we've gone from having no costs and overheads to having two lots of costs and overheads plus all the travelling in between, YOU BLOCKHEAD!", "but surely you can see that if we have more Brussels's we will have more democracy, the logic is irrefutable!" replied the Frenchie, the Luxembourger said "Horseshit, you just want free money!", the German old man said "Don't make me come over there!". Then it went quiet for a bit until the Italian old man said "why is everyone scared of him? he lost both wars" and then there was tense silence as the gathering came to a realisation, "OH NO! we've formed a You-are-Peeing Union of losers! WE'RE ALL BLOCKHEADS!"
Some time later they realised they needed a British old man in the Union to give it some credibility, they got one, but it was a British old woman who said to them one day "shut your trap Frenchie, this a big fat waste of money and I want a rebate". Nobody expected that to work becuse the old men had to vote on it first, but amazingly they all voted in favour. So, in summary, they all agreed it was a waste of money but they carried on regardless.
The End (?)
--------------------------------------------------
It got a bit lairy towards The End but the point of the story was to explain why there are two Parliaments that between them just do the job of one.
This moving back and forth nonsense was highlighted by our good old friends Sinn Fein in AD2006, when they pointed out this carry on costs at least 190 million Euro annually. As if that wasn't enough, the city of Strasbourg has been overcharging the European Parliament by 2.7 million Euro per year for 25 years. So as of 2006:
Total money wasted in France 4,750 million
Additional amount stolen by overcharging Frenchies: 67.5 million
Why isn't the EU sorting this out? Isn't it embarrassing? What's the Commission's opinion? Why don't the European Council debate this properly and fix it? Why aren't the national leaders bringing this to their debates about Europe? Because they're all a bunch self-serving fops. If one of them starts pointing the finger they'll all turn on each other and starting saving money everywhere, no more porkular expense claims for any of them! Disaster!
You might think this an odd way to go about becoming MEP - attacking the institution itself - well I'm not attacking the institution (today) I'm attacking the pigs that line up in front of the troughs filled with our hard earned cash. More people should be complaining about this flagrant waste of money by the Frenchies, it has to end.
See, I'm protecting you, The Beautiful People, from politits and bowlercrats, huzaahh!! Vote for JJ!
JJ
Imagine if once a month you had to work from a different office for a week, the company hires people to move all your stuff 428 kilometres and you go along with it. This is what the European Parliament does. One week of every month they work out of Strasbourg. It goes without saying this horseshit could only happen in France. But why? oh why is it so? I hear you cry, well I'll tell you A Short Story:
--------------------------------------------------------
A Short Story:
A long time ago a bunch of old men sat in room and said "OK we've got our shiny new You-are-Peeing Union, where shall we put the Headquarters with the swivelly chairs and new desks, all of which costs money?" and the reply came in chorus "not in my country, it's just unneccessary costs and overhead". Then, after much consternations had happened the old men decided to give free money to the country which would house the Headquarters which would be called "Brussels" because that's French for "burocracy with chips and mayonnaise".
The Belgian old man leaped into the air and cried "I'll take it! We can put it in the city which is also called Brussels and finally our Brussels will have second tourist attraction. That stone boy peeing in a fountain was funny in the beginning but it's wearing a bit thin now" and they all agreed but added "it's not supposed to be a tourist attraction! It has to serve purpose you bloody idiot!", the Belgian old man said "Ok I'll do it your way, when do I get my money?" that remark also wasn't very well received and the other old men decided that the Belgian old man was "a little odd" and they made a note of that for later.
While they were all thinking "How the fuck did the Belgians conquer the Congo? It staggers belief!" the French old man said "errmm... how much money exactly? for this errr Brussels thing?" then much more consternations started happening and eventually the French old man said "I'm going to have another Brussels in Strasbourg and get the same amount of free money" the others replied in chorus "OH NO! we've gone from having no costs and overheads to having two lots of costs and overheads plus all the travelling in between, YOU BLOCKHEAD!", "but surely you can see that if we have more Brussels's we will have more democracy, the logic is irrefutable!" replied the Frenchie, the Luxembourger said "Horseshit, you just want free money!", the German old man said "Don't make me come over there!". Then it went quiet for a bit until the Italian old man said "why is everyone scared of him? he lost both wars" and then there was tense silence as the gathering came to a realisation, "OH NO! we've formed a You-are-Peeing Union of losers! WE'RE ALL BLOCKHEADS!"
Some time later they realised they needed a British old man in the Union to give it some credibility, they got one, but it was a British old woman who said to them one day "shut your trap Frenchie, this a big fat waste of money and I want a rebate". Nobody expected that to work becuse the old men had to vote on it first, but amazingly they all voted in favour. So, in summary, they all agreed it was a waste of money but they carried on regardless.
The End (?)
--------------------------------------------------
It got a bit lairy towards The End but the point of the story was to explain why there are two Parliaments that between them just do the job of one.
This moving back and forth nonsense was highlighted by our good old friends Sinn Fein in AD2006, when they pointed out this carry on costs at least 190 million Euro annually. As if that wasn't enough, the city of Strasbourg has been overcharging the European Parliament by 2.7 million Euro per year for 25 years. So as of 2006:
Total money wasted in France 4,750 million
Additional amount stolen by overcharging Frenchies: 67.5 million
Why isn't the EU sorting this out? Isn't it embarrassing? What's the Commission's opinion? Why don't the European Council debate this properly and fix it? Why aren't the national leaders bringing this to their debates about Europe? Because they're all a bunch self-serving fops. If one of them starts pointing the finger they'll all turn on each other and starting saving money everywhere, no more porkular expense claims for any of them! Disaster!
You might think this an odd way to go about becoming MEP - attacking the institution itself - well I'm not attacking the institution (today) I'm attacking the pigs that line up in front of the troughs filled with our hard earned cash. More people should be complaining about this flagrant waste of money by the Frenchies, it has to end.
See, I'm protecting you, The Beautiful People, from politits and bowlercrats, huzaahh!! Vote for JJ!
JJ
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