Afore ye go!

It's the Bell's whisky slogan (vile stuff).

Writing and reading lists is one of the staples of the good blogger, one of the other's is writing your blog when you should be working, which I never do and I don't recommend or condone such nefarious activity. Bloody phone's ringing again, sod it they can leave a message if its important.

So here's my list of twenty things to do before I die. I was going to write a hundred but not only am I too lazy to do a hundred things I'm too idle to write a list that long. Actually, I think of these lists like those "To Do" lists at work or the "Tasks" in Outlook, I spend all day editing the lists and never actually do any of the things on them.

1. Mud-wrestling with Kylie Minogue (see previous post), but instead of cold mud it'll be warm tapioca because there's no other human use for tapioca. You certainly shouldn't be eating the foul stuff

2. Turn into a Dolphin. I once did this in a dream, it's quite painful until you get into the water but then the water feels really nice against Dolphin skin and it doesn't wrinkle even if you stay in water for ages. I wish I'd dreamed about being a shark, maybe I will one day.

3. Get a brand new Mercedes for free. My Loving Employer is taking care of this even now.

4. Win the US Open (Golf). Granted this is unlikely but I've started having lessons and I own a real golf ball. Just need a club and bag and I'm on my way but I can't decide which colour club to get. Silver ones look nice but orange is a warmer colour, I like orange. I might get a hat too.

5. Win the lottery. Only snag-ette is I've never actually bought a ticket (in Belgium anyway). I'm waiting for a sign. An astrologer once told me I had a good chance of winning. She also told me I'd be married before the age of thirty five, she didn't tell me I'd get divorced before the age of thirty five though, bitch, that could've saved me a few quid.

6. Become an MEP. David Cameron sent me some stuff to read, I'll get round to it one day. But the way Chimpy Dave is going it looks like he might become an MEP before I do.

7. Learn French. To speak, read and write it too. Despite all my fancy pants and plans to bake bread at home I am officially illiterate in Belgium. It came as something of a shock when I realised that. What really hurts is I can't even say "thick bastard" in French (or Flemmish) and that's completely undermining my self-deprecating British sense of homous.

8. Stop being a git. This is really difficult, I've always wanted to be an old git, even before Harry Enfield's Old Gits. I practice quite a lot (being a git), girlfriend doesn't appreciate it much but the thing with relationships is; if the person your with now is less of a git than the last person you were with, then you're happy. I really need to stop being a git.

9. something about recycling or doing volunteer work in Africa etc.

errrm, I can't be bothered anymore. Oh here's one for you, you can write a list of "shit posts that don't do what they say they'll do" and you can put this one on it. You'll notice I haven't tagged anyone with this list so please don't tag me with your Shit List.

Thanks heaps, I'm off to plan my re-incarnation now so cheeriebye!

JJ