The problem with Polygamy is that all men want to do it and no women do. Why the hell do they still have a weekly magazine? I really don't understand how these ridiculously one-sided ideas survive. Ok, I know some women do it, but those are the types who get excited when they see a three legged cat. Who want's to marry six of those?
What are the bigamists thinking at this stage? We'll get more interest if we start a magazine? How can they afford it? I have one girlfriend, no wives and a house. There is no way I can afford to fund a magazine about anything. How will a bigamist, with two wives, have that sort of disposable income? How do polygamists keep their magazine going? Because I don't think the regular people are buying it. I'm not. When I get my Badger Managers Monthly in the mailbox, she notices, "how much is that?", "when will you read it?" etc. What the fuck is she going to say if I get the Polygamists Weekly?
Can you imagine the classifieds "man with own teeth and sense of humour seeks six to eight women, preferably unrelated. Or nearest offer.". What about the horoscopes, "you will meet between three and nine potential partners today and if there's any time left you'll travel and win some money or a dental plan. But there really isn't enough time in the day for you to meet a long lost friend or relative, sorry." How does it work when you go to disneyland with a family ticket? "nine adults and seventeen children please, they're all under eleven, I mean the children".
In the end it's like all of those great ideas we have in the pub. Yeah polygamy sounds brilliant when it's me and five Super Models on a yacht, but the reality is me and a bunch of amateur boxers trying to sneak into to a theme park for our once-every-ten years holiday.
Baah!
G'night
JJ
Thursday, 19 February 2009
Friday, 13 February 2009
Live News !!
Check this out, what a day!
Yesterday I had an exam for a professional qualification type of thing and I passed!
Then I drove back down the highway, really really fast with Ace of Spades playing at volume 11 !
When I got home I played on my drum kit for a bit and then played on my guitar both at volume 11 !
Next I went to the pub and bumped into my best friend.
Then my girlfriend turned up !
Then we found out it was Quiz Night.
We won the Quiz! Prize: 4 bottles of wine!
I was totally wrecked !
(I'm working from home this morning)
(actually, I'm writing this, but what the hell? it's lunch time)
Fantastic!
What a day !
I've never had so many !'s in one post !!
But it's totally justified !!!!
YAAY !!!
JJ !!
Yesterday I had an exam for a professional qualification type of thing and I passed!
Then I drove back down the highway, really really fast with Ace of Spades playing at volume 11 !
When I got home I played on my drum kit for a bit and then played on my guitar both at volume 11 !
Next I went to the pub and bumped into my best friend.
Then my girlfriend turned up !
Then we found out it was Quiz Night.
We won the Quiz! Prize: 4 bottles of wine!
I was totally wrecked !
(I'm working from home this morning)
(actually, I'm writing this, but what the hell? it's lunch time)
Fantastic!
What a day !
I've never had so many !'s in one post !!
But it's totally justified !!!!
YAAY !!!
JJ !!
Monday, 9 February 2009
Dime Novel: Junk Blues
It was another rainy night in Eterbeek, I was double parked because I knew the cops wouldn't come out in the rain. The plastic black bar top was scratched to buggery and it was only a week old so I said to the guy "who the fuck puts plastic on a bar top? you should get wood", he passed me the cheese plate. This was how it went, he didn't speak English, I didn't speak French.
Actually, he didn't speack French either, he was Portugese. What could I do? This woman had been hassling me all night, even though I'd only been there an hour. She said she wanted sex but I got the impression she just wanted somewhere to spend the night. Well who takes a shopping trolley to a bar? Especially a trolley full of empty cans and plastic bottles.
Eventually I staggered out, alone, and got back into my car. The apartment was 15 meters away but I made it without being caught. As I walked to the door I glimpsed the cats running towards my car. They would play on it all night and leave muddy footprints to get at me. They didn't know it was smeared with chilli this time. Later on I watched in amusement as the cats vomitted in the bushes and muttered obscenities.
I slept well that night, I used to have a recurring dream that I was naked in the office but it seems to have gone away.
JJ
Actually, he didn't speack French either, he was Portugese. What could I do? This woman had been hassling me all night, even though I'd only been there an hour. She said she wanted sex but I got the impression she just wanted somewhere to spend the night. Well who takes a shopping trolley to a bar? Especially a trolley full of empty cans and plastic bottles.
Eventually I staggered out, alone, and got back into my car. The apartment was 15 meters away but I made it without being caught. As I walked to the door I glimpsed the cats running towards my car. They would play on it all night and leave muddy footprints to get at me. They didn't know it was smeared with chilli this time. Later on I watched in amusement as the cats vomitted in the bushes and muttered obscenities.
I slept well that night, I used to have a recurring dream that I was naked in the office but it seems to have gone away.
JJ
Friday, 6 February 2009
The Ides of February
Also known as "St Valentines Day", it's the fourteenth because it's a short month. Last october I wrote about Valentines Day and now I realise it was a really badly written thing, so I'm doing another one for to atone (it's not a bloody typo Zoe, that's how pirates speak).
Isn't it curious that we celebrate Halloween night with gusto but live in dread of St. Valentines day? The hype has elevated the day to a level of nonsense that no man can live up to, and most men can live up to a lot of nonsense, so what to do? How do we avoid this annual massacre?
The bloody problem is that to do something about it would require forethought and planning, if that was a option we wouldn't forget the wretched date to begin with. Cancelling The Day was suggested but almost caused a riot, why? Do you actually like those days when you can glower accross the breakfast table and say "You do know what day it is don't you?" Isn't that a bit sadistic? Give the poor sod a couple of days notice, then judge him.
Maybe I've got it all wrong, perhaps fear and mistrust are the true secrets of a long lasting relationship. Along with buckets of alcohol and a gym membership that stares at you like a lost cat, "I want to help but we're not allowed pets, how do I know you're really lost?", "oh ok! here have a Mento, now fuck off go on".
I took my car to be serviced for the first time (it was new) and now it feels like it's been violated, like someone else has been in it and it won't look me in the eye anymore. I feel bad, I didn't even think about it, just handed over the key and jumped on the metro without even looking back. We haven't played any cd's since, just driving to and from work in silence. No more singing out loud, being spotted at the traffic lights and laughing. I wonder if that'll ever happen again, I used to pretend it was embarrassing but I was happy really.
Nothing in the post today, two credit card bills and a brochure of bollocks from the Gym. If they had a porn channel on those little tv's in front of the treadmill I'd be running marathons by now, instead I've gained one and a half kilos. It would have been cheaper to just keep going to the pub.
I had hot dogs for dinner today, two hot dogs and a banana. Wonder what I'll have for breakfast? Coco Pops probably, unless I'm late then I'll just have a swig of diet coke as usual. But it's coke zero now, I was still drinking diet coke until someone told me that's for women and coke zero is for men. I have some really fucking insightful friends, this is what they know about. I actually switched! I dread to think where one reads such tripe, or why, could be in the small print of the gym brochure of bollocks. "Gym Etiquette" probably.
Still, it's gone midnight and the heating will be off in a few minutes so I'd better turn in. Never did sort out that Valentine lark, never mind it'll probably take care of itself in the end, most things usually do.
JJ
Isn't it curious that we celebrate Halloween night with gusto but live in dread of St. Valentines day? The hype has elevated the day to a level of nonsense that no man can live up to, and most men can live up to a lot of nonsense, so what to do? How do we avoid this annual massacre?
The bloody problem is that to do something about it would require forethought and planning, if that was a option we wouldn't forget the wretched date to begin with. Cancelling The Day was suggested but almost caused a riot, why? Do you actually like those days when you can glower accross the breakfast table and say "You do know what day it is don't you?" Isn't that a bit sadistic? Give the poor sod a couple of days notice, then judge him.
Maybe I've got it all wrong, perhaps fear and mistrust are the true secrets of a long lasting relationship. Along with buckets of alcohol and a gym membership that stares at you like a lost cat, "I want to help but we're not allowed pets, how do I know you're really lost?", "oh ok! here have a Mento, now fuck off go on".
I took my car to be serviced for the first time (it was new) and now it feels like it's been violated, like someone else has been in it and it won't look me in the eye anymore. I feel bad, I didn't even think about it, just handed over the key and jumped on the metro without even looking back. We haven't played any cd's since, just driving to and from work in silence. No more singing out loud, being spotted at the traffic lights and laughing. I wonder if that'll ever happen again, I used to pretend it was embarrassing but I was happy really.
Nothing in the post today, two credit card bills and a brochure of bollocks from the Gym. If they had a porn channel on those little tv's in front of the treadmill I'd be running marathons by now, instead I've gained one and a half kilos. It would have been cheaper to just keep going to the pub.
I had hot dogs for dinner today, two hot dogs and a banana. Wonder what I'll have for breakfast? Coco Pops probably, unless I'm late then I'll just have a swig of diet coke as usual. But it's coke zero now, I was still drinking diet coke until someone told me that's for women and coke zero is for men. I have some really fucking insightful friends, this is what they know about. I actually switched! I dread to think where one reads such tripe, or why, could be in the small print of the gym brochure of bollocks. "Gym Etiquette" probably.
Still, it's gone midnight and the heating will be off in a few minutes so I'd better turn in. Never did sort out that Valentine lark, never mind it'll probably take care of itself in the end, most things usually do.
JJ
Monday, 2 February 2009
Life in the Movies
"do you want to be in my team?"
"no, fuck off, I only talk to you because we work together"
That's my view of team building, which is perfectly healthy because it takes all sorts to make a balanced team (but trying getting a corporate gobshite to admit that). However, outside the workplace I am somewhat more relaxed, expecially since I have a cellar full of booze in the new gaff. So, the Goth suggested this team building excercise and my answers are below.
If you do try it, please comment me a link. Please, please link me, I soooooo want to be in yooooouur teeeeeam! I haven't got any friends, my imaginary cactus ran away, who finished the milk? Stop laughing I KILL YOU.
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
Here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool
Here are mine:
Opening Credits:
Death Row - Judas Priest
Waking Up:
Got The Live - Korn
First Day At School:
Turn the Page - Metallica
Making Your New Best Friend:
Miracle Man - Ozzy Osbourne
Falling In Love:
Burn In Hell - Judas Priest
Breaking Up:
Ek Dana - Daler Mehndi (Punjabi)
Prom:
Stronger - Hard-Fi
Graduation:
Angel - Judas Priest
Life's Okay:
Hysteria - Def Leppard
Death of a Close Friend:
Love Bites - QED, Def Leppard cover
Mental Breakdown:
Psycho Monkey - Joe Satriani
Driving:
California Dreamin' - Eagles
Flashback:
Another Rainy Night (without you) - Queensryche
Getting Back Together:
Wasted Years - Iron Maiden
Wedding Scene:
Flute concerto in G minor - Vivaldi
Birth of Child:
Battery - Metallica
Car Accident:
Galan Gooriyan - Stereo Nation (Punjabi)
Final Battle:
Tumhen Dil Lagi Bhool Jani Paregee - Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn (Urdu / Punjabi)
Death Scene:
Bitter Peace - Slayer
Funeral Song:
Disconnected - Queensryche
End Credits:
You Are - Pearl Jam
------
It's not all in English, but that's what came out of the thing so there it is.
JJ
"no, fuck off, I only talk to you because we work together"
That's my view of team building, which is perfectly healthy because it takes all sorts to make a balanced team (but trying getting a corporate gobshite to admit that). However, outside the workplace I am somewhat more relaxed, expecially since I have a cellar full of booze in the new gaff. So, the Goth suggested this team building excercise and my answers are below.
If you do try it, please comment me a link. Please, please link me, I soooooo want to be in yooooouur teeeeeam! I haven't got any friends, my imaginary cactus ran away, who finished the milk? Stop laughing I KILL YOU.
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
Here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool
Here are mine:
Opening Credits:
Death Row - Judas Priest
Waking Up:
Got The Live - Korn
First Day At School:
Turn the Page - Metallica
Making Your New Best Friend:
Miracle Man - Ozzy Osbourne
Falling In Love:
Burn In Hell - Judas Priest
Breaking Up:
Ek Dana - Daler Mehndi (Punjabi)
Prom:
Stronger - Hard-Fi
Graduation:
Angel - Judas Priest
Life's Okay:
Hysteria - Def Leppard
Death of a Close Friend:
Love Bites - QED, Def Leppard cover
Mental Breakdown:
Psycho Monkey - Joe Satriani
Driving:
California Dreamin' - Eagles
Flashback:
Another Rainy Night (without you) - Queensryche
Getting Back Together:
Wasted Years - Iron Maiden
Wedding Scene:
Flute concerto in G minor - Vivaldi
Birth of Child:
Battery - Metallica
Car Accident:
Galan Gooriyan - Stereo Nation (Punjabi)
Final Battle:
Tumhen Dil Lagi Bhool Jani Paregee - Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn (Urdu / Punjabi)
Death Scene:
Bitter Peace - Slayer
Funeral Song:
Disconnected - Queensryche
End Credits:
You Are - Pearl Jam
------
It's not all in English, but that's what came out of the thing so there it is.
JJ
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