Some people say there are no surprises in life, they are boring and unimaginative people, that is my opinion. My life is full of surprises, and so is my pocket like that time I found five Euro's outside my apartment.
So far there have been few surprises in the KickBladder competition, there was an interview with Ballack after his game and the reporter asked "which department do you think was the best for Germany?" I hoped he would say "Marketing" or "HR", nobody ever says the HR department makes a valuable contribution. But no, he didn't say anything like that, there were no surprises.
Mother Russia, the Great Bear, the biggest country in the world, the biggest country anywhere that we know of. Not the most populous though, why? It's too cold, nobody is scoring when it's minus forty two in the shade. As we saw yesterday, the heated Spanish are able to score four times for each successful penetration by the chilled northerners.
On the other hand, the Swedes had no problem banging in a couple against the unimaginative Greeks who tried to make a drama out of it but it just ended in tragedy.
But that's all yesterday's news, now the colourful Portugese have disposed of the Czechs by three to one and the vengeful Turks helped themselves to a two one against the Swiss. It's over for the Swiss, unless they can come up with a fancy watch that let's them go back through time and try again. I made contact with Aliens once using old phone parts and baking foil, that might be of some use.
It seems to me that when Czechoslovakia broke up, all the good players went to Czech Republic, I suppose The Game goes with The Beer. What did the Slovaks get? I bet it's tourism, any country can do tourism, it's like the international equivalent of "it's not the winning, it's the taking part that counts".
There should be a competition to see which is the best country in the world, why not? We have a Miss World competition, a Eurovision Song Contest, all sorts of awards for cars, boats, tv shows and films. We just have to agree on a list of categories and let the entrants come in. We could have a "Lifetime Contribution" award for countries like Switzerland who are never going to win anything else and we would have the Best Newcomer award which would have gone to Kosovo this year and Tibet would hope to win that one day.
On the other hand it's perfectly feasible that America could be the country that never wins anything, like UK and Germany in the Song contest. Their songs are just as bad as the others but no one will vote for them any more, it's a popularity contest more than a song contest. In that sense it's not a contest at all, it's an Election.
So, it should be a World Popularity Election and it's the taking part that counts. Each contestant will get a bag of M&M's and a colouring book, including the ones who have won real prizes.
Good night,
JJ
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Tuesday, 10 June 2008
KickBladder 2 - Weiner Shitzel
The thing about KickBladder is it is very not like skiing, hence the Austrians have followed their Swiss friends in losing their opening game. Austria lost nil one to Croatia, shortly afterwards a couple of Poles helped Germany to beat Poland mercilessly, two nil.
The German system of passport issuance is very not like the English, anyone anywhere born of German parents is entitled to a German Passport. Conversely, hundreds of thousands of people born in Germany are not entitled to a passport because their parents came from Turkey. Hence, two chaps from Poland are playing up front for Germany and one of them scored two goals. The Polish don't like Germans much and this isn't going to help change their minds, it's not going to help them win anything either.
On top of that we've got yet more evidence that the French cannot make breakfast, which is why they always start so poorly. Nil nil against Romania is bread and jam for breakfast, no thanks. All that culinary prowess and they can't even boil an egg. You'll never convice me the Eiffel isn't a copy of the Blackpool tower, especially after that dismal performance, they simply don't have the creativity, it's a plain as the nose on Jacques Chirac's face (and almost as big).
Which brings us summarily to the Italians, one day they will have to concede that they are not as good looking as they think they are. Nice clothes and shoes but once you get beyond that, they're just like you and me. What's more, now that we are all global and everything we can safely say that Italian cuisine is lagging behind a whole raft of Asian countries, so that's not very good either. In the finish, a well deserved three nil to an otherwise temperamental and annoyingly smug cheese eating Dutch eleven. Is it just me or is the Dutch sense of humour actually a level BELOW Benny Hill?
All in all I think it's safe to say this KickBladder competition is a marvellous oppotunity to bitch and gripe about everything in Europe, it must be rubbish because we're not in it. Principally because that useless git Steve MacLaren did a better of job of getting us out of Europe than The Iron Lady herself.
I wonder how she is after all these years? I can just imagine Margaret at the Top Rank Bingo "You put your balls back in your bag, I'll decide when it's House!". I bet she goes to Mallorca on holiday too "Egg and Chips and a glass of stout if you don't mind, I'll have none of that octopus bollocks and mind your quotas!". She's allways shouting, even on holiday. It's difficult to be around people who are always shouting, it puts the others on edge.
There will be more hissing, booing and cheers during tonights performances but I won't see them because I'll be at the Ancienne Belgique with Queensryche. I missed them the first time round and it seems about time to start my mid-life crisis, if anything I'm late. The problem with trying to re-live my youth is I can't remember half of it and the bits I can remember I just don't have the energy for. I think I've finally run out of hormones, on the plus side I can start using my brain to run my life now which should be a good thing but it does seem rather complicated.
I suppose I'll get used to it. There will always be bank holiday weekends at Knokke, chips with mayonnaise and raw onions, tea with lemon. I explained the term "gut rot" to a Belgian friend the other day, I haven't seen him since, he even skipped golf on Sunday which is very unlike him. Now that I think of it, he is a touch hypochondriatic, perhaps I shouldn't have said anything... ;)
Ciao,
JJ
The German system of passport issuance is very not like the English, anyone anywhere born of German parents is entitled to a German Passport. Conversely, hundreds of thousands of people born in Germany are not entitled to a passport because their parents came from Turkey. Hence, two chaps from Poland are playing up front for Germany and one of them scored two goals. The Polish don't like Germans much and this isn't going to help change their minds, it's not going to help them win anything either.
On top of that we've got yet more evidence that the French cannot make breakfast, which is why they always start so poorly. Nil nil against Romania is bread and jam for breakfast, no thanks. All that culinary prowess and they can't even boil an egg. You'll never convice me the Eiffel isn't a copy of the Blackpool tower, especially after that dismal performance, they simply don't have the creativity, it's a plain as the nose on Jacques Chirac's face (and almost as big).
Which brings us summarily to the Italians, one day they will have to concede that they are not as good looking as they think they are. Nice clothes and shoes but once you get beyond that, they're just like you and me. What's more, now that we are all global and everything we can safely say that Italian cuisine is lagging behind a whole raft of Asian countries, so that's not very good either. In the finish, a well deserved three nil to an otherwise temperamental and annoyingly smug cheese eating Dutch eleven. Is it just me or is the Dutch sense of humour actually a level BELOW Benny Hill?
All in all I think it's safe to say this KickBladder competition is a marvellous oppotunity to bitch and gripe about everything in Europe, it must be rubbish because we're not in it. Principally because that useless git Steve MacLaren did a better of job of getting us out of Europe than The Iron Lady herself.
I wonder how she is after all these years? I can just imagine Margaret at the Top Rank Bingo "You put your balls back in your bag, I'll decide when it's House!". I bet she goes to Mallorca on holiday too "Egg and Chips and a glass of stout if you don't mind, I'll have none of that octopus bollocks and mind your quotas!". She's allways shouting, even on holiday. It's difficult to be around people who are always shouting, it puts the others on edge.
There will be more hissing, booing and cheers during tonights performances but I won't see them because I'll be at the Ancienne Belgique with Queensryche. I missed them the first time round and it seems about time to start my mid-life crisis, if anything I'm late. The problem with trying to re-live my youth is I can't remember half of it and the bits I can remember I just don't have the energy for. I think I've finally run out of hormones, on the plus side I can start using my brain to run my life now which should be a good thing but it does seem rather complicated.
I suppose I'll get used to it. There will always be bank holiday weekends at Knokke, chips with mayonnaise and raw onions, tea with lemon. I explained the term "gut rot" to a Belgian friend the other day, I haven't seen him since, he even skipped golf on Sunday which is very unlike him. Now that I think of it, he is a touch hypochondriatic, perhaps I shouldn't have said anything... ;)
Ciao,
JJ
Sunday, 8 June 2008
KickBladder Part 1
About a million years ago a man called John the Bulldog blew up a pigs bladder and sewed it shut and then kicked it around the village like a lunatic. The next day Alex MacNugget bought Eric the Frenchie and people said "you can't buy a man, you are a lunatic, surely!", Alex said "you think I'm mad? wait till you hear him talk" nevertheless, this prompted Alan Sugarbabe to buy Dahvid Ginohla for millions of squids to finally prove his utter ignorance of The Game. Alex said "well, he makes shit computers, shit satellite dishes and shit hi-fi's, I'm really scared, oh yes, the little cockney Napoleon is coming to get me, look at me trembling...apprentice my arse" and so on. (continuity error acknowledged)
After all that, I was in The Hairy last nacht listening to some Austrian gobshite going on about how the stadium shouldn't be in the city limits because all those drunken hooligans will ruin everything with throwing up on the Beethoven house and all that, I said "listen up you Austrian gobshite, it's because of the Belgian Army that you can stand in a crowded bar wearing a dress and talking bollocks, you can't do that in your country, so just shut the fuck up and drink your lager". That lead to a fascinating debate about the origins of lager beer which we concluded was probably from The Czech Republic, the best ones are anyway even the Germans admit to that. By a phenomenal coincidence the very same Republic had just beaten the hapless Swiss team by a goal to nothing, they won't forget that in a hurry. Nor will the vengeful Turks who took a sound beating from the Portugese and lost by two growls to nowt.
I missed the entire Turkey fiasco being sidetracked by The Goth and his gay friends, I mean that seriously and there's nothing wrong with it but I should clarify that we were just talking - and we've got witnesses. There won't be any of those shenanigans tonight though, Girlfriend will be back from her highschool re-onion and we have to watch Gerry beat the Poles mercilessly. That was inevitable, no one from England can write about sports without throwing in war comments and european onions.
Anyway, bloody hell, there was a sweepstake at work and guess who I've drawn??? only bloody Germany! Rotten luck, there will be no banter at our place now, just a couple of sour krouts and keg of Czech pilzner. I suppose I could do the one that all Germans do "Isn't Aachen in Holland?" har har, except I've already used it a million times.
I've just noticed that one of my neighbours has a wi-fi called "Jesus t'aime", sad but quite an enterprising way of spreading The Message, makes me think though, perhaps I should change the name of mine. I think "2nd Floor Brothel" sounds good because I'm on the first floor, or "Jesus Hash Cake 69". My internet connection went down as soon as I wrote that, spooky. Well He does work in mysterious ways, he's like a woman in that sense. I don't blame Him, I also like women though not quite to the point that I want to wear their clothes, that'll just be a secret fantasy. Actually I wish I could be more like my father, especially that time he hit my uncle over the head with a saucepan, we just don't have weddings like that anymore.
Anyhoodle, that's the sports coverage done for now, there will be updates as the tournament progresses and feel free to write in with your selection of favourites. There are no prizes and frankly you'll be lucky if you even get an acknowledgement of your effort.
Thanks for your visit, please tell your friends (if you've got any)
JJ
After all that, I was in The Hairy last nacht listening to some Austrian gobshite going on about how the stadium shouldn't be in the city limits because all those drunken hooligans will ruin everything with throwing up on the Beethoven house and all that, I said "listen up you Austrian gobshite, it's because of the Belgian Army that you can stand in a crowded bar wearing a dress and talking bollocks, you can't do that in your country, so just shut the fuck up and drink your lager". That lead to a fascinating debate about the origins of lager beer which we concluded was probably from The Czech Republic, the best ones are anyway even the Germans admit to that. By a phenomenal coincidence the very same Republic had just beaten the hapless Swiss team by a goal to nothing, they won't forget that in a hurry. Nor will the vengeful Turks who took a sound beating from the Portugese and lost by two growls to nowt.
I missed the entire Turkey fiasco being sidetracked by The Goth and his gay friends, I mean that seriously and there's nothing wrong with it but I should clarify that we were just talking - and we've got witnesses. There won't be any of those shenanigans tonight though, Girlfriend will be back from her highschool re-onion and we have to watch Gerry beat the Poles mercilessly. That was inevitable, no one from England can write about sports without throwing in war comments and european onions.
Anyway, bloody hell, there was a sweepstake at work and guess who I've drawn??? only bloody Germany! Rotten luck, there will be no banter at our place now, just a couple of sour krouts and keg of Czech pilzner. I suppose I could do the one that all Germans do "Isn't Aachen in Holland?" har har, except I've already used it a million times.
I've just noticed that one of my neighbours has a wi-fi called "Jesus t'aime", sad but quite an enterprising way of spreading The Message, makes me think though, perhaps I should change the name of mine. I think "2nd Floor Brothel" sounds good because I'm on the first floor, or "Jesus Hash Cake 69". My internet connection went down as soon as I wrote that, spooky. Well He does work in mysterious ways, he's like a woman in that sense. I don't blame Him, I also like women though not quite to the point that I want to wear their clothes, that'll just be a secret fantasy. Actually I wish I could be more like my father, especially that time he hit my uncle over the head with a saucepan, we just don't have weddings like that anymore.
Anyhoodle, that's the sports coverage done for now, there will be updates as the tournament progresses and feel free to write in with your selection of favourites. There are no prizes and frankly you'll be lucky if you even get an acknowledgement of your effort.
Thanks for your visit, please tell your friends (if you've got any)
JJ
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Travel XX, Le Big Mac
I was in Paris a couple of weeks of ago and it wasn't raining, I had a three day training session about how to manage projectors. The great thing was I could walk between hotel and training centre every day, that's more than pleasant when in Paris.
Not really inpressed with French food though, on the first day I had "Greek Plate" which is a kebab and chips (fries) on a flimsy plastic tray, the next day I a takeout chilli burger from an american themed bar and on the last day I had a Big Mac which is something I have successfully avoided for more than three years.
On the other hand I was impressed with their movies, I watched Iron Man in English in the Paramount theatre. Very good movie, apart from the excessive patriotism and posturing from american military types, but that might be my own fault for sitting in the cheap seats.
The train thing is good idea too, easier than getting a flight and more relaxing, food is actually worse but we get metal cutlery. I suppose they weren't expecting terorrists mid-week.
The film is all set up for a sequel, they left it wide open. The only question is will it be Iron Man 2 or Iron Man II? When did the Italians stop using Roman Numerals and start using Arabic ones? Imagine "CI things to do before you die", "Top X most eligible batchelors", how would we do algebra? How would we make figurative comparisons like "If there are x apples and y pears, how long is a piece of string?" It's not just counting, there are deep cultural repercussions, you'd be amazed how many times you talk about "x" and "y". I know I do it all the time, deep down I think people are scared of people who are good at algebra.
Maths in general is quite scary, unlike chemistry, chemistry is a good thing, people want to have chemistry or biology, french is also good but physics is bad and if there's too much drama you are history.
Gym is a funny business, I hated that at school but now I'm paying to do it in my own time. Not only do I pay someone who I've never met to borrow thier equipment but I clean the equipment when I'm finished. It's odd, because I don't clean anything at home, I pay someone else to clean it. I think my cleaner is crossing the line though, last week she put a rubber band around an open packet of crackers and I'm pretty sure she's checking dates on stuff in my fridge and throwing out old stuff. I don't think she should be doing that, it's one thing to clean the toilet but I don't want her handling my food. I'll eat stuff past it's date, I figure that the label people have to have a safety margin in the dates so I can stretch most of them a little.
I think what I need is a butler or a valet, someone to follow me around and clean up after me. I once read in a computer magazine that we can virtually pay people to do our jobs. For example, if I need a project plan for a system upgrade, I'd pay someone in India to do it while I spend the afternoon riding a horse. Likewise searching for a house, booking a holiday etc the salary difference is so big it's worthwhile.
I think I'll get someone to write my blog for me, or have I already done that? What does it matter, I'm making up stuff under a false name for people I'll never meet (most of them), do they care if I'm paying someone else to write it? Why should they? This is what technology has given us, everyone is publishing and making movies and music. Thanks to Nintendo Wii you can play golf and bowling in your living room, people work from home, soon there will be no need to leave home at all. We'll become pale with big eyes and skinny bodies from lack of food and excercise, that's why aliens are so wierd looking. By the time we develop enough technology to contact aliens we will also look like them. I can't wait, if everyone was bald there would be no stigma and no pain the arse "hair care".
Well goodnight, I've got a long day tomorrow, I've got to outsource my downloading of illegal music and movies, stealing intellectual property is just too time consuming and it isn't even illegal in India or China.
JJ
Not really inpressed with French food though, on the first day I had "Greek Plate" which is a kebab and chips (fries) on a flimsy plastic tray, the next day I a takeout chilli burger from an american themed bar and on the last day I had a Big Mac which is something I have successfully avoided for more than three years.
On the other hand I was impressed with their movies, I watched Iron Man in English in the Paramount theatre. Very good movie, apart from the excessive patriotism and posturing from american military types, but that might be my own fault for sitting in the cheap seats.
The train thing is good idea too, easier than getting a flight and more relaxing, food is actually worse but we get metal cutlery. I suppose they weren't expecting terorrists mid-week.
The film is all set up for a sequel, they left it wide open. The only question is will it be Iron Man 2 or Iron Man II? When did the Italians stop using Roman Numerals and start using Arabic ones? Imagine "CI things to do before you die", "Top X most eligible batchelors", how would we do algebra? How would we make figurative comparisons like "If there are x apples and y pears, how long is a piece of string?" It's not just counting, there are deep cultural repercussions, you'd be amazed how many times you talk about "x" and "y". I know I do it all the time, deep down I think people are scared of people who are good at algebra.
Maths in general is quite scary, unlike chemistry, chemistry is a good thing, people want to have chemistry or biology, french is also good but physics is bad and if there's too much drama you are history.
Gym is a funny business, I hated that at school but now I'm paying to do it in my own time. Not only do I pay someone who I've never met to borrow thier equipment but I clean the equipment when I'm finished. It's odd, because I don't clean anything at home, I pay someone else to clean it. I think my cleaner is crossing the line though, last week she put a rubber band around an open packet of crackers and I'm pretty sure she's checking dates on stuff in my fridge and throwing out old stuff. I don't think she should be doing that, it's one thing to clean the toilet but I don't want her handling my food. I'll eat stuff past it's date, I figure that the label people have to have a safety margin in the dates so I can stretch most of them a little.
I think what I need is a butler or a valet, someone to follow me around and clean up after me. I once read in a computer magazine that we can virtually pay people to do our jobs. For example, if I need a project plan for a system upgrade, I'd pay someone in India to do it while I spend the afternoon riding a horse. Likewise searching for a house, booking a holiday etc the salary difference is so big it's worthwhile.
I think I'll get someone to write my blog for me, or have I already done that? What does it matter, I'm making up stuff under a false name for people I'll never meet (most of them), do they care if I'm paying someone else to write it? Why should they? This is what technology has given us, everyone is publishing and making movies and music. Thanks to Nintendo Wii you can play golf and bowling in your living room, people work from home, soon there will be no need to leave home at all. We'll become pale with big eyes and skinny bodies from lack of food and excercise, that's why aliens are so wierd looking. By the time we develop enough technology to contact aliens we will also look like them. I can't wait, if everyone was bald there would be no stigma and no pain the arse "hair care".
Well goodnight, I've got a long day tomorrow, I've got to outsource my downloading of illegal music and movies, stealing intellectual property is just too time consuming and it isn't even illegal in India or China.
JJ
Saturday, 17 May 2008
Travel XIX, Paella Sandwiches
Got back from Barcelona on Friday, at 2.30am, that was the mother of all flight delays. I took the opportunity to phone Australia, it's not often I'm awake when they are, being on t'other side o't rock 'n all. Hmmmm... that came out all Last of the Summer Wine, maybe I'm missing Fish and Chips again, probably.
Anyway, I've been on a high tech show/fair thingo from Monday to Thursday, this was about the future, it was unbelievably "accurate" although I couldn't help thinking "I'd love to tape some of these lectures and play them back to the speakers in ten years time", they do come out with some garbage.
Killer robot vacuum cleaners? Implanted memory extensions? Infra-red contact lenses? Women with mute buttons! They should hear themselves talk, I mean the speakers at the show, not women. Obviously no one wants to hear women talk.
Whatever happened to my internet enabled fridge? Wasn't that "the thing" some years ago? So why is it when I open my fridge all see is a few cans of Maes and half a box of fish fingers? Answer that so-called Bill Gates you big phoney.
But seriously, imagine how you are going to feel when the western world is in the grip of the longest deepest recession in living memory and the only thing on tv is blanket coverage of the Beijing Olympics all shiny and flashing their money around. It's going to be the end of the Olympics, rather than face the truth of declining superiority the west will start saying "excessive carbon footprint, too ostentatious in the middle of a recession, the Chinese are insenstitive to global issues" and the chinese will exclaim "sour glapes!". The only real "global issue" is that western banks have amassed so much money they've simply sucked everything dry. Blood sucking greedy scumbags, watch now how they make their employees redundant and start re-possesing homes from people who they were encouraging to borrow beyond their means six months ago.
That reminds me, the owner of the Jade Fountain chinese restaurant near Merode metro speaks Hindi, only a little but he did give me a start. I wondered what the bloody hell was trying to say at first. Needless to say I never went back, Belgian-Chinese people speaking Hindi is more than a little disorientating for English-Indian Punjabi speakers from Wolverhampton. Is this Globalisation? Brimey mistah O'Riery!
Well, I'd love to stop and chat but I've got to pack, Paris is expecting me! I'll tell you all about it next week.
JJ
Anyway, I've been on a high tech show/fair thingo from Monday to Thursday, this was about the future, it was unbelievably "accurate" although I couldn't help thinking "I'd love to tape some of these lectures and play them back to the speakers in ten years time", they do come out with some garbage.
Killer robot vacuum cleaners? Implanted memory extensions? Infra-red contact lenses? Women with mute buttons! They should hear themselves talk, I mean the speakers at the show, not women. Obviously no one wants to hear women talk.
Whatever happened to my internet enabled fridge? Wasn't that "the thing" some years ago? So why is it when I open my fridge all see is a few cans of Maes and half a box of fish fingers? Answer that so-called Bill Gates you big phoney.
But seriously, imagine how you are going to feel when the western world is in the grip of the longest deepest recession in living memory and the only thing on tv is blanket coverage of the Beijing Olympics all shiny and flashing their money around. It's going to be the end of the Olympics, rather than face the truth of declining superiority the west will start saying "excessive carbon footprint, too ostentatious in the middle of a recession, the Chinese are insenstitive to global issues" and the chinese will exclaim "sour glapes!". The only real "global issue" is that western banks have amassed so much money they've simply sucked everything dry. Blood sucking greedy scumbags, watch now how they make their employees redundant and start re-possesing homes from people who they were encouraging to borrow beyond their means six months ago.
That reminds me, the owner of the Jade Fountain chinese restaurant near Merode metro speaks Hindi, only a little but he did give me a start. I wondered what the bloody hell was trying to say at first. Needless to say I never went back, Belgian-Chinese people speaking Hindi is more than a little disorientating for English-Indian Punjabi speakers from Wolverhampton. Is this Globalisation? Brimey mistah O'Riery!
Well, I'd love to stop and chat but I've got to pack, Paris is expecting me! I'll tell you all about it next week.
JJ
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