Live News !!

Check this out, what a day!

Yesterday I had an exam for a professional qualification type of thing and I passed!

Then I drove back down the highway, really really fast with Ace of Spades playing at volume 11 !

When I got home I played on my drum kit for a bit and then played on my guitar both at volume 11 !

Next I went to the pub and bumped into my best friend.

Then my girlfriend turned up !

Then we found out it was Quiz Night.

We won the Quiz! Prize: 4 bottles of wine!

I was totally wrecked !

(I'm working from home this morning)

(actually, I'm writing this, but what the hell? it's lunch time)

Fantastic!

What a day !

I've never had so many !'s in one post !!

But it's totally justified !!!!

YAAY !!!

JJ !!

Dime Novel: Junk Blues

It was another rainy night in Eterbeek, I was double parked because I knew the cops wouldn't come out in the rain. The plastic black bar top was scratched to buggery and it was only a week old so I said to the guy "who the fuck puts plastic on a bar top? you should get wood", he passed me the cheese plate. This was how it went, he didn't speak English, I didn't speak French.

Actually, he didn't speack French either, he was Portugese. What could I do? This woman had been hassling me all night, even though I'd only been there an hour. She said she wanted sex but I got the impression she just wanted somewhere to spend the night. Well who takes a shopping trolley to a bar? Especially a trolley full of empty cans and plastic bottles.

Eventually I staggered out, alone, and got back into my car. The apartment was 15 meters away but I made it without being caught. As I walked to the door I glimpsed the cats running towards my car. They would play on it all night and leave muddy footprints to get at me. They didn't know it was smeared with chilli this time. Later on I watched in amusement as the cats vomitted in the bushes and muttered obscenities.

I slept well that night, I used to have a recurring dream that I was naked in the office but it seems to have gone away.

JJ

The Ides of February

Also known as "St Valentines Day", it's the fourteenth because it's a short month. Last october I wrote about Valentines Day and now I realise it was a really badly written thing, so I'm doing another one for to atone (it's not a bloody typo Zoe, that's how pirates speak).

Isn't it curious that we celebrate Halloween night with gusto but live in dread of St. Valentines day? The hype has elevated the day to a level of nonsense that no man can live up to, and most men can live up to a lot of nonsense, so what to do? How do we avoid this annual massacre?

The bloody problem is that to do something about it would require forethought and planning, if that was a option we wouldn't forget the wretched date to begin with. Cancelling The Day was suggested but almost caused a riot, why? Do you actually like those days when you can glower accross the breakfast table and say "You do know what day it is don't you?" Isn't that a bit sadistic? Give the poor sod a couple of days notice, then judge him.

Maybe I've got it all wrong, perhaps fear and mistrust are the true secrets of a long lasting relationship. Along with buckets of alcohol and a gym membership that stares at you like a lost cat, "I want to help but we're not allowed pets, how do I know you're really lost?", "oh ok! here have a Mento, now fuck off go on".

I took my car to be serviced for the first time (it was new) and now it feels like it's been violated, like someone else has been in it and it won't look me in the eye anymore. I feel bad, I didn't even think about it, just handed over the key and jumped on the metro without even looking back. We haven't played any cd's since, just driving to and from work in silence. No more singing out loud, being spotted at the traffic lights and laughing. I wonder if that'll ever happen again, I used to pretend it was embarrassing but I was happy really.

Nothing in the post today, two credit card bills and a brochure of bollocks from the Gym. If they had a porn channel on those little tv's in front of the treadmill I'd be running marathons by now, instead I've gained one and a half kilos. It would have been cheaper to just keep going to the pub.

I had hot dogs for dinner today, two hot dogs and a banana. Wonder what I'll have for breakfast? Coco Pops probably, unless I'm late then I'll just have a swig of diet coke as usual. But it's coke zero now, I was still drinking diet coke until someone told me that's for women and coke zero is for men. I have some really fucking insightful friends, this is what they know about. I actually switched! I dread to think where one reads such tripe, or why, could be in the small print of the gym brochure of bollocks. "Gym Etiquette" probably.

Still, it's gone midnight and the heating will be off in a few minutes so I'd better turn in. Never did sort out that Valentine lark, never mind it'll probably take care of itself in the end, most things usually do.

JJ

Life in the Movies

"do you want to be in my team?"
"no, fuck off, I only talk to you because we work together"

That's my view of team building, which is perfectly healthy because it takes all sorts to make a balanced team (but trying getting a corporate gobshite to admit that). However, outside the workplace I am somewhat more relaxed, expecially since I have a cellar full of booze in the new gaff. So, the Goth suggested this team building excercise and my answers are below.

If you do try it, please comment me a link. Please, please link me, I soooooo want to be in yooooouur teeeeeam! I haven't got any friends, my imaginary cactus ran away, who finished the milk? Stop laughing I KILL YOU.


IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
Here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool

Here are mine:

Opening Credits:
Death Row - Judas Priest

Waking Up:
Got The Live - Korn

First Day At School:
Turn the Page - Metallica

Making Your New Best Friend:
Miracle Man - Ozzy Osbourne

Falling In Love:
Burn In Hell - Judas Priest

Breaking Up:
Ek Dana - Daler Mehndi (Punjabi)

Prom:
Stronger - Hard-Fi

Graduation:
Angel - Judas Priest

Life's Okay:
Hysteria - Def Leppard

Death of a Close Friend:
Love Bites - QED, Def Leppard cover

Mental Breakdown:
Psycho Monkey - Joe Satriani

Driving:
California Dreamin' - Eagles

Flashback:
Another Rainy Night (without you) - Queensryche

Getting Back Together:
Wasted Years - Iron Maiden

Wedding Scene:
Flute concerto in G minor - Vivaldi

Birth of Child:
Battery - Metallica

Car Accident:
Galan Gooriyan - Stereo Nation (Punjabi)

Final Battle:
Tumhen Dil Lagi Bhool Jani Paregee - Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn (Urdu / Punjabi)

Death Scene:
Bitter Peace - Slayer

Funeral Song:
Disconnected - Queensryche

End Credits:
You Are - Pearl Jam

------

It's not all in English, but that's what came out of the thing so there it is.

JJ

Barak Obama

And that, my little munchkins, is my blatant hit pandering title. I know I've spelled it wrong, I'm aiming for a certain demographic [Dumbass Democrats. There are more than you'd think but not as many as Dumbass Republicans, "John McCain"? really!]. Soliciting Hits and such practices are quite properly frowned upon by good internet citizens. Well I'm not that good a citizen.

I'm no "Lex Luthor" but I'm far from being goody two-shoes-dull-as-ditchwater "Superman" [Boys under 11 demographic]. How many hit's am I getting now in these difficult time of the "Credit Crunch"? [Dumbass house-buying investors getting ripped off by banks and whose great plan is to Google "Credit Crunch" to save their mortgage demographic]

I once took a screen shot of someone's desktop, deleted all the desktop icons and put the picture up as wallpaper. It has to be a real no-hoper to make it really funny. He tried to click all the icons several times over and eventually he called IT support and got it fixed. But getting back to soliciting...

Yeeeh, the last "Superman" movie was a travesty, he might as well start the "Porn" career now; "Superman does the Dallas Cowboys Cheer Leading Squad" [11-75 male demographic]. That's just leaves gratuitous mention of Viagra [75+ male demographic] and that's the entire male population hitting my website. Yes, I said website, I know it's just a stupid blog but I tell people I have my own website, it sounds cool(er), I'm really that desperate. (Actually I only talk about it with three people, one being the one who got me started - he's the worst)

Now then, how to get women demographics. Hmmm....Ok, what do I know about women? Nothing. This sucks [18-65 unmarried demographic]. You see? I'm much more Lex than "Supertwat" [18+, married], gratuitus mention of "Barbie" and that just leaves [unmarried over 65] who won't mind being left out, they're used to it by now.

But I need the hits so; "Discount Zip-up Fur Lined Boots, Wholesale Cat Food and Febreeze Anti-Urine Formula one-stop shop" thanks for visiting my website.

The thing is, I'm trying to be nice to people this year, in real life, so all the uglyness is being channelled here, where I'm less likely to get a smack in the chops. So there's no need to be upset at all, "it's not you, it's me".

Oh, there's one more, the Gorilla demographic! There's only one but he's quite important so; "How to Succeed in an Emotionally Juvenile Society Ruled by Bald Monkeys without Resorting to Violence", I'm sure he's Googling that phrase on a regular basis. It's only one hit but sometimes he comes back for a second comment. Ok, he did that once.

Well, I hope you've learned something from this wantonness, if not go here and click an AD to generate some cash for me.

Obviously, Joliet Jakes Weekly wouldn't stoop to advertising and such vulgarity, just the normal vulgarity; blow jobs, oral sex, hand-jobs, stocking fetish, lesbians, leather knickers, furry bits, noodles, water sports, doggy, Portugese tuna, spin cycle, monthly cycle, bi-cycle, wheel barrow, cock-sparrow.

Thanks for visiting my website. Don't forget to click on the AD's here.

I'll be in the shower.

JJ