You are all a bunch of buggers

There is no blog today because JJ went on a bender and hasn't written anything so piss off and bollocks. I'm having a "hate-everyone-hate-everything" day. Either I'm still in puberty or I really need to see a shrink. Again.

How will they advertise abortion on TV? "Insert penis into wee-hole, wait one month, panic like fuck, run around like twat, tell everyone at school, get pulled up by your parents, bingo bango, abortion" what's to advertise? Everyone knows that. Don't ask me how I know, those records are permanently sealed.

Here's a good way to build a network, get a page on Linked-In and get all your friends and colleagues to join you. Muppet newsflash; that's not a network it's just you being a twat and now all your friends have published their email address on the internet. You don't build a network out of people you already know, it's fuckwits like you that make cybercrime so easy.

What else can we advertise on British TV? Hangover recovery for under 16's; drink twenty bottles of Tart Fuel (alcopops), find a street with CCTV cameras in your village, run up and down like a tit and kick some cars, get a freindly tap on the shoulder from useless comunity policeman, see your mum on tv crying. Get an ASBO, show your friends for a laugh, drink twenty bottles of Tart Fuel (hair of the dog). Also, abortion is good cure for a hangover so you can combine those adverts.

How to become deputy leader of the Labour (I'm still tempted to type "Layabout") Party, John Prescott method; punch a hippy in the mouth on tv (not Tony Blair, a different hippy). Yes that's right, born again christians are f****** hippies.

It's really hard to hate hippy's because they are all so nice and cuddly but I'm on a roll today, I'm calling it Hippy Slapping Day.

How to be an obnoxious twat on holiday? Now this is silly, teaching Brits to be obnoxious drunken twats on holiday is really taking sand to Arabia. What the Arabs need is a justice system with sentencing options other than abusing women in public. A woman alleges rape and gets stoned to death for adultery. That's what happens when a male dominated society doesn't have free access to porn and alcohol. "This is really the cutting edge of 21st century political commentary and satire." - Time Magazine.

When we were students we spent months planning operations to infiltrate the greyhound track and set the rabbit free. We didn't know it was just a metal thingy with a bit of fluff glued on to it, it's really hard to see that on tv it moves too fast. And why are the jackass greyhounds chasing it? I thought dogs hunted by following their sense of smell? It doesn't make any sense, either someone's lying or students are piggin' idiots.

"seen that ma bitch got a Tramp Stamp", that's a phrase I'll never use. I just can't see Girlfriend getting a tattoo, thanks god. Why do non-native English speakers say "thanks god" instead of "thank god"? They all do it, from India to Norway, I've told them but they don't get it. Is this what they teach in TEFL? It means "Teach Every Fucker our Language" A young man in China was rejected by an American university so he had to stay at home and eek out a living teaching English to people who did get accepted by foriegn universities. Now he owns about fifty million schools and his front garden is the size of Luxembourg. Bastard.

I'm still not blogging today, I've got nothing to say anyway, this is just rambling garbage. You shouldn't be reading this at work either you horse's arse. By the way "you're all a bunch of buggers" is copyrighted, it's my patented management method. I'm writing a book a called "Another Fucking Useless Book for Dumb-Asses who Haven't got the Nouse to do a Days Work Without Getting Covered in Shit", my publisher said I could have a shot at the Pulitzer this year. Which is better the Pulitzer or the Booker Prize? The Booker Prize is more obvious, I think I'd rather have that one, if I had to choose one.

They should have more prizes like that, the Fisher Prize for fishing, the Turner Prize for turning and the Poker Prize for poking. I'd have a go at the Wanker but I really don't want the Bummer or the Shirt-lifter.

Oh give me break, you're not paying for this would it kill you to smile or grunt once every couple of minutes?

JJ

Lemonade

How do you put the bubbles in sparkly water? I asked that question over dinner and got the answer; Gnomes fart in it. Science isn't what is used to be is it? Some washed up sitcom actress talking about the poly-proper-bollocks in her shampoo and putting on a cheesy grin "because I'm worth it". Shut, the fuck, up. I can live with paying 6.99 for a movie ticket but when I'm in my own house, watching my own tv, eating a de-frosted thin crust meat feast; just shut, the fuck, up. Bitch.

Al Gore, that's real science. Finally a politician who proved that only losing can make them do some real fucking work. If Al had won that election and become president, would he still have made the documentary about Global Warming? Would he even care? Or would he actually be swanning about in airplanes, helicopters and humvees and acting like a complete twat? I guess we'll never know, Politicians are so hard to judge, they're so ethereal and aloof. Not like those other guys; shagging interns and hookers, smoking weed, snorting cocaine and taking bribes from oil companies and banks. I was thinking of rock bands but they don't take bribes from oil companies and banks.

Why don't banks employ hookers? It would make sense now, put your money in, get fucked, go home broke. It's beats the crap out of "open a deposit account and enter our competition to win an iPod!" You have to be joking. I can go to fucking Video Square and buy an iPod between 10am and 6pm from Monday to Saturday. My problem is not lack of opportunity to get iPods! Fuck knows there are enough opportunities to get iPods. I'm not getting enough double-shower hand-jobs though, where's the competition to win that?

What the fuck is wrong with marketing people? Haven't they heard of sex? I don't mean a picture of a skinny bint in a bikini in front of a crystal chess set made of fucking Star Trek characters. I don't even want to know who's buying that. She's gonna have to strip off and get down with Una Thurman before I'm shelling out £250 on a chess set. Why isn't it the other way round? Buy this piece of plastic "whatever-the-fuck-it-is" for £250 and you get to spend the night with .... for free. Imagine how much plastic we'll be recycling then? There's isn't enough landfill in China, India and Africa put together to recycle that crap, is there Al? Yes I'm calling you Al and if you call me Betty I'm gonna punch you in the dick.

What's going to happen when Michael Jackson dies? They'll have a blue coffin for the plastic and metal bits, a green one for the organic stuff, a yellow one for the beatles back catalogue and a white one for everything else. (Yellow is for paper. It's joke, of course I know he had to sell it back, stop being so anal). That anal thing wasn't a joke, it was a reference to fictional persons not resembling anyone living nor deceased or made of plastic parts and appearing to be non-fictional.

Would it be racist if I called Michael Jackson "an inside out coconut"? I mean, I'm darker than he is but I'm not black. Nor is he now, we're all the same on the inside as he is so fond of reminding us (Ebony and Ivory, Black and White, Liberian Girl etc) but we're not all the same on the outside anymore are we? Fucking flapjack. That's what he is, a Flapjack. I still like some of his flapjack songs though; "Billie Jean is not my lover", but she is a lesbian. Doesn't make any sense but it's catchy.

In that sense Jackson isn't really Motown. I was going to buy some Motown records until someone pointed out to me "you can hear most of that for free in elevators and supermarkets", good point. CCR is popular Brussels metro stations now but they also play classical music depending on the time of day. They're very fickle like that. I don't understand it, just find one woman like The Bible says "Rachael was weeping again because she's a woman. If she'd just put 'em on a plate like the Whore of Babylon he wouldn't have gone round there isn't it?"

I bet you didn't know The Bible was written in India. The thing is, outsourcing has been going on a lot longer than you realise. The Council of Nicea was actually the Global Purchasing Department of the Roman Empire and they outsourced it. That's why there's no sex in it. Mary Magdeleine, the hooker, was hanging around with JC and the diciples because they were all good friends. Just a bunch of good looking twenty somethings, enjoying each other's company. 13 guys and one woman. Nothing unusual about that, but if it happened in real life she would have been stoned to death in Judea AD30. Also India AD30 and in Europe AD1700 (witch?) And even today women in Australia are getting stoned regularly.

Josephs relationship to Mary (Mary the mother, not Mary the hooker), was similarly innocent. Her pregnancy was a divine blessing, Joseph didn't shag her, he was a good man and he stayed around because he was good, not because of any guilt. Mary was not a munter, it's blashpemy to suggest that Joseph made up the Virgin Birth because he didn't want to get lumbered with a minger.

But there's more to The Bible than shagging Jewish hookers, what about vegetarianism? (or Lent / Lentil)(side plate: Alexander the Great would have been less "successful" if Indians weren't vegetarians). "Let's stop fishing, we can hang around the streets and chat up chicks", "what will we tell our wives?", "have a chat with Mary", "sorry, she's a bit minging", "not my mother you cheeky twat, the other Mary". And so vegetarianism was enshrined as a principle of Christianity. A principle, but not a practice because it's so hard to find vegetarian food on holidays so let's just say we believe in it but we have to be practical.

Anyhow, JC won't be the first Jewish fella to fall for a woman just like mother, not only in name, and that is surely a trait that comes from India. Except in my case, obviously.

It always comes back to women and God, and the things we misguided fools do to get closer to those things. Bah! sodding mid-life crisis

I'm going to bed.

JJ

Languinator

I was talking to The Germans again when the subject of "Heists" came up. I, like many of my associates, assumed the word "Heist" is a German word. Apparently not, it doesn't exist in German. It's not that it means something else, the word simply doesn't exist.

This is just one example of the fact that the German language is derived from English, not the other way round. English people are too eager to accept that the language is an amalgam of French, German, Norse(?) and Latin all left behind by invaders. Actually, there was a long time before Vikings and Normans when England had people and restaurants and roads and bars. Yes these things existed and the English had words for them. All those smelly invaders went to England to steal words, the raping and pillaging was just a cover to make the history books more inviting. And it worked (ha!), the mere notion of being invaded by Normans is just hilarious. A bunch of shorties in flat caps falling down the stairs and shouting "Mr Grimsdale!", it's ridiculous, ludicrous, preposterous.

Ok, what is the German word for Saucer? obviously I'm asking because I already know they don't have one, "undertassen" is just two words stuck together in a cheap Blue Peter fashion. It means "undercup" - it's not even that clever. What's French for Ape? "Singe"? ok, what's French for Monkey? also "Singe". If you want to know the difference between an ape and a monkey, don't ask a Frenchman. There are no Charles Darwins in France. The question I now put to you, my learned friend, is why does the derived language (English) have more words than the source languages (French, German)? Carefull, I already checked, you can combine French and German and you still don't have enough words for a full English lexicon.

Google it, English has the biggest vocabulary and not by a small margin but by a stupendous great hairy monster of a margin.

Don't shout "Latin" at me. There is no actual evidence that anyone ever spoke Latin. The evidence is that Latin is a simplified version of old Italian which traders used to make easy records of transactions. It was only for writing, not conversation, like Pitman's Shorthand. That's why Latin constructs are much simpler than any other European language, like Pitman's Shorthand. The other European languages were written for more creative needs than trade. Latin is older? Timing can explain some differences in language complexity but only with evolution. Evolution doesn't happen over a few hundred years.

Don't get defensive, I'm not saying that French is a paltry, mealy, unrefined, crude language or that German is child's playground of linguistic lego and stickle bricks. But what I am saying is that English is proper language in it's own write, not a hotchpotch of Euro-speak.

And it has a more extensive vocabulary.

And it's better.

And England had the biggest empire. Actually, "England" still has the biggest Empire.

JJ

Urban Poetry

This one is called: Telephone Answering Machine

You've got 17 unplayed messages
and 14 played messages
I've been flashing these numbers since friday night
where have you been?
do I mean anything to you?
or am I just a status symbol
just another trophy to show your friends
would you even care if I wiped myself
I could pretend it was a power cut
night after night
alone in the dark
my little red light blinking
I hate you
I hate you so much
I wish you were dead.

JJ

The Shipping Forecast

It's incredible how many people have fond childhood memories of the shipping forecast. I remember listening to it while waiting for the game broadcast. They were broadcasting computer games, we would record them onto cassette tape and play them back into the computer. A hit and miss process to say the least, and not one that always worked.

So we'd stay up until 3.30am to record the game and then spend an hour trying to get it to load onto the computer and then finally go to bed, defeated. Things not working was a right of passage then, these days it's all too easy. I don't spend the weekend trying to adjust gaps with a feeler guage, or standing in shop doorways wondering how to get 25 quid for a battleship game.

Now I've got my own relatives sending email through some automated system asking to "join your professional network". There's a reason we only meet at funerals. We're already linked on Facebook, must we do this? Can't I keep my professional network for my professional contacts? No I can't, because if I refuse this unwelcome intrusion it'll start a family feud. In the end a cave-man with a Facebook page is still a cave-man. Actually I think cave-men had more confidence with women. That's the only constant thing over the last 40,000 years and we're worse at it now than we were then.

At times like this I can see why people take up gardening and join swingers clubs, I just pray I don't bump into my cousin in there too.

All this because of The Shipping Forecast. I don't know, really I don't.

JJ