Friday, 27 March 2009

You are all a bunch of buggers

There is no blog today because JJ went on a bender and hasn't written anything so piss off and bollocks. I'm having a "hate-everyone-hate-everything" day. Either I'm still in puberty or I really need to see a shrink. Again.

How will they advertise abortion on TV? "Insert penis into wee-hole, wait one month, panic like fuck, run around like twat, tell everyone at school, get pulled up by your parents, bingo bango, abortion" what's to advertise? Everyone knows that. Don't ask me how I know, those records are permanently sealed.

Here's a good way to build a network, get a page on Linked-In and get all your friends and colleagues to join you. Muppet newsflash; that's not a network it's just you being a twat and now all your friends have published their email address on the internet. You don't build a network out of people you already know, it's fuckwits like you that make cybercrime so easy.

What else can we advertise on British TV? Hangover recovery for under 16's; drink twenty bottles of Tart Fuel (alcopops), find a street with CCTV cameras in your village, run up and down like a tit and kick some cars, get a freindly tap on the shoulder from useless comunity policeman, see your mum on tv crying. Get an ASBO, show your friends for a laugh, drink twenty bottles of Tart Fuel (hair of the dog). Also, abortion is good cure for a hangover so you can combine those adverts.

How to become deputy leader of the Labour (I'm still tempted to type "Layabout") Party, John Prescott method; punch a hippy in the mouth on tv (not Tony Blair, a different hippy). Yes that's right, born again christians are f****** hippies.

It's really hard to hate hippy's because they are all so nice and cuddly but I'm on a roll today, I'm calling it Hippy Slapping Day.

How to be an obnoxious twat on holiday? Now this is silly, teaching Brits to be obnoxious drunken twats on holiday is really taking sand to Arabia. What the Arabs need is a justice system with sentencing options other than abusing women in public. A woman alleges rape and gets stoned to death for adultery. That's what happens when a male dominated society doesn't have free access to porn and alcohol. "This is really the cutting edge of 21st century political commentary and satire." - Time Magazine.

When we were students we spent months planning operations to infiltrate the greyhound track and set the rabbit free. We didn't know it was just a metal thingy with a bit of fluff glued on to it, it's really hard to see that on tv it moves too fast. And why are the jackass greyhounds chasing it? I thought dogs hunted by following their sense of smell? It doesn't make any sense, either someone's lying or students are piggin' idiots.

"seen that ma bitch got a Tramp Stamp", that's a phrase I'll never use. I just can't see Girlfriend getting a tattoo, thanks god. Why do non-native English speakers say "thanks god" instead of "thank god"? They all do it, from India to Norway, I've told them but they don't get it. Is this what they teach in TEFL? It means "Teach Every Fucker our Language" A young man in China was rejected by an American university so he had to stay at home and eek out a living teaching English to people who did get accepted by foriegn universities. Now he owns about fifty million schools and his front garden is the size of Luxembourg. Bastard.

I'm still not blogging today, I've got nothing to say anyway, this is just rambling garbage. You shouldn't be reading this at work either you horse's arse. By the way "you're all a bunch of buggers" is copyrighted, it's my patented management method. I'm writing a book a called "Another Fucking Useless Book for Dumb-Asses who Haven't got the Nouse to do a Days Work Without Getting Covered in Shit", my publisher said I could have a shot at the Pulitzer this year. Which is better the Pulitzer or the Booker Prize? The Booker Prize is more obvious, I think I'd rather have that one, if I had to choose one.

They should have more prizes like that, the Fisher Prize for fishing, the Turner Prize for turning and the Poker Prize for poking. I'd have a go at the Wanker but I really don't want the Bummer or the Shirt-lifter.

Oh give me break, you're not paying for this would it kill you to smile or grunt once every couple of minutes?



Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

You get more like Goth every day. Sweet.

Joliet Jake said...

could be, I feel quite dark somethymes